Friday, December 10, 2004

Hiding ...

I am hiding right now. From just about everyone I can hide from!
I am hiding on-line, I am hiding here (I deleted my old blog and have given no one this new address), I am even hiding from my kids! No, they know where I am, but they are upstairs and I am downstairs, and thus I feel like I am hiding from them because I have purposefully created space between us. I just feel like hiding right now - from everyone and most importantly everything.
I'm sure it's not a good thing, but it's not something I intend to keep up forever. I just have a lot of emotions, a lot of hurt feelings and I think I feel safer with this wall of space between me and everyone else.
Although, secretly I wish someone would come through and bust the wall down so that I don't have to be the one to do it. It would be easier if someone else did it for me. I'm too scared and nervous to do it myself. I feel safer where I'm at. But I know that will be a temporary fix. That after a few days of doing this I will feel lonely, and then I will start to get upset that no one can find me hiding. Which I understand is stupid because I am hiding and the point is to not be found. But see it gives me an excuse to be upset with people. If they can't "find" me then they obviously don't care enough about me, so I should obviously not take my time and effort to be their friend which means that I will obviously not be hurt by that person again. That of course frees me up to find some other people to start pretty fake relationships with that will glide along wonderfully until of course they make the unfortunate mistake of saying one wrong thing and then I can start the cycle all over again.
Okay, well, I'm guessing that is what I do, a psychology major I have not! But it makes sense - I can sit back and see that is what I am doing. I am cutting the world off before they can really get to know me because the more people know about you, the more pain they can cause you. Even best friends have to fight sometimes, so I make friends but not on a deep, personal level. And then I set them up for failure ... I hide from them (although this time I am literally hiding, I do it often in less obvious ways)and prevent them from giving me the relationship I need the most and wham. All of a sudden I have given myself a great reason to not be their friend anymore. I feel sorry for the people I do it to. I don't know how to not do it though. It's hard for me to be open and honest with people. It's hard for me to be vulnerable and starighttalk people. I suppose it's hard because I'm always afraid that people will somehow use that information to hurt me, so to avoid the hurt (that may or may not come) I instead alienate myself and have these immense feelings of loneliness. And although in the grand scheme of things, the loneliness is probably worse, it doesn't feel worse in the moment, if that makes sense at all.

I hope someday I can figure myself out so that I can feel true happiness, if even for a few moments.

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