Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Desperately Seeking Perfection ...

It's true. I want perfection. I want to be perfect, look perfect, sound perfect, be a perfect mother, a perfect wife, a perfect stay at home mom, absolutely perfect in every single way.
Unfortunately, I am rarely perfect. I am rarely mostly perfect. Once in a while I can slightly perfect, and that is it.
I true very hard, though, to trick others and make them think I am perfect. When we go places I try to dress well. I try to dress the children well. I bring more than what's needed and I bring extra. So if someone is looking for it, I probably have it. I'm strict with my children, becuase I don't want people to see them wild and out of control! That would be horrid!
And it is probably why I like the on-line world better than the real world. Here I have time to think before I speak. I generally use that option. Sometimes I don't. But most things can be deleted. So even if a few people saw it, that's okay. I can prevent others from seeing it. And everything shared, comes straight from me. I can chose and pick what I want to say. I can tell you about the cute little craft I made with the kids today. But I don't have to tell you about the time I yelled at them. I can tell you about how I cuddled with my youngest tonight when she was upset. I don't have to tell you about a time I made her upset. It's all up to me. I get to preview what I've typed before I hit the send, or post button.
I can be anything I want to here ... even almost perfect.
And that is safe for me. I can't be that way in real life. There is no pause, or rewind, or delete there. The pressure to be perfect becomes almost overwhelming at times. Oh, who I am kidding. It becomes absolutely overwhelming many times.

What frightens me is I know that is exactly how my mom is. She wants to be perfect. She wants everyone to view her as perfect. I've even caught her lying to kept her image of perfection in tact. I don't think she enjoys being that way. I know I don't. It gets hard to pretend. It gets hard to keep up a perfect act. And I'm terrified that my children will grow up and be the same way. They will learn it from me. They will grow up and think that they have to put on this grand show of their life so that they can see perfect. And I'm afraid that it will weigh them down as much as it wieghs me down. :-(

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