Monday, January 31, 2005

My Thinking Day ....

Monday is my thinking day. I mostly like that it's my thinking day, but sometimes I don't! Tonight it was a good, but uncomfortable thing.
I came to some important realizations last week. I'm kind of kicking myself for not making the connections in my life sooner, however, it is really about things that I have been trying to hide, to avoid, to forget about for some time, so of course, I wasn't thinking about it enough to make the connections.
And yes, I know I'm probably being cryptic ... but I'm not in a position where I can share everything ... so it may be cryptic, but I want to get it out without saying what "it" is!

Anyway, aside from being a productive thinking day, the day did get off to a rocky start!
Woke up late, of course .... but then as we were about to leave, the toilet overflowed. Big mess. Lots of water. It's fixed, but we still don't know why it happened. It was just bad timing really. After that things were better.
We had a play date today at M's house. Her dd K and my little M are the same age. All 3 kids had fun though, and well, it was nice to talk to another mother! We are doing it again soon, possibly next Monday, and hopefully a third mom will be there too! It was nice to get out. I let my guard down a little around her, which is tremendously hard for me to do. I even laughed at myself while we were there. It's strange ... it seemed natural, but yet it was unnatural. It just flowed out as part of what was going on (hence the natural part) but I'm usually so guarded and usually I prevent anything from just flowing out that it felt extremely unnatural as well. I think I liked the natural part better. I should do it more often. It wasn't so bad either ... she didn't kick me out, or tell me I was stupid, or make fun of me or anything. Maybe there is hope ... I can be a normal person one day who isn't so guarded and secretive and so set on trying to appear perfect. Which takes a lot of effort to keep up that front, to be so guarded - it's very anxiety provoking and even I admit is probably a bigger turn off to people than occasionally looking imperfect. But I'm working on it ... I really am. And there is hope. And that is good thing. Because there have been times where I have felt hopeless and it's not fun.


Amazing all the people who voted in Iraq yesterday. How amazing. I can't imagine. I'm not so sure were I living there that I would have braved the threats and gone out and voted, but they did! And they showed off their ink stained finger with pride. And they danced and they cheered and more importantly, they told the insurgents that democracy is stronger than that.
It is just amazing ... to think of all the people who lost their lives or were wounded or injured to make that happen ... it was not in vain.
It is just amazing ... this is a day so many of these people will not forget .. they will tell their children, their grandchildren. They were truly brave to go out with all the threats made. But they wanted their voices heard. Their freedom was more important than threats made. They weren't going to cower in their homes, afraid to stand up for the freedom they deserved. My guess is that they had had enough of that while Saddam ruled them.

It seems in America, the ability to vote is taken for granted. It is something we get when we turn 18. It's easy to become a voter in most states. It's something to do, or not do if plans for the day or more important or more fun or you don't want to drag the kids out, or it's raining or whatever. But I think what we fail to remember is that voting is a right that so many people all over the world are denied. That we get to vote today because years ago, a group of people rose up against the British Empire and won! And then came up with a plan to lead this country forward. A plan that many around the globe doubted would last. And yet, it is still in effect today. The Constitution is still the very heart of our life in America ... even today we are still trying to decide what is or isn't constitutional. And I think we take it for granted. We are so used to having this way of life. For most of us, our parents had it, our grandparents had it, and for a lot the great grandparents had it to. So it's just part of life for us. Just part of the daily ho-hum.

But yesterday, for millions in Iraq, it was so much bigger. So much grander. So near and dear to their heart. A dream come true. A dream most of them thought was not possible until just recently.

And it was amazing to watch it. To see the images on the television. To hear the laughing and the cheering and the singing. Or to hear the reports about the 35 that perished while trying to vote for the first time in their life. And it was heartbreaking to learn of the loss. To know that families are grieving and mourning today -- all because people wanted to vote. But the spirit of the strong, of those that risked their life to vote, and those that lost their life doing it, that spirit shall carry them through the hard times. And maybe a few more Americans will wake up and realize just how lucky we are here. And maybe that spirit will spread to other parts of the world.
It is just truly amazing to me and something I shall not forget ...

Sunday, January 30, 2005

I love ...

Please, allow me to be a commercial for them for one entry!
I signed up Thursday. Thursday night actually ... like around 9 pm.
Saturday my first 3 movies came. Quick! Very quick! 2 for the adults, one for the whole family! Loved it!
We have watched all 3. 2 will be sent back tomorrow (Stepford Wives and The Day After Tomorrow). We are keeping Ella Enchanted for a few more days per 5 year old's request. And that's fine! I don't mind at all!
I can't remember what is coming next on the queue, but I'm so excited. I know, it's not really hard to get to video store to rent movies. But a) I never think about it and b) it just seems so hard to get back to the video store before the movie is late. Yeah, when it first came out, I too thought, how lazy must people be that they need movies delivered to their door? But, I get it now! I understand. It's so nice. They just appeared Saturday. I didn't have to bundle up the kids, go out, see what was left, they just came! And I like the queue feature. I can load up as many movies as I want in there, and they will just keep coming. I can request it as soon as I think about it.
Well, I love it. And I would imagine on Thursday I will be recieving 2 movies for the ones I am returning tomorrow. It is possible they will come Wednesday becuase the zip code is one day from us and dh will have it picked up in the am. And then on Tuesday we will return the other movie so maybe there will be another movie waiting this weekend!
This is so nice. I think it's worth it. Even if it's just 2 hours worth of enjoyment of movie time. It will be nice. I hate that dh and I never see movies. And well, now we can! YAY!

Weekend Update

Yesterday we made the trek downtown we had been hoping to take last weekend!
We all had a great time. The children's museum is huge, even though it looks small on the outside. We didn't even have a chance to explore the third floor and there were other areas we missed on the other two floors. The girls really had such a fun time though. Dh and I had fun playing around with them too.
We came home and discovered our first shipment of Netflix movies had arrived ... I signed up for the trial on Thursday and was surprised to see them already! Finally, I can say I've seen a few movies that were released within the last 3 years ROFL!! I think we are definitely going to keep the Netflix subscription up. Even my 5 year old was excited, as Ella Enchanted was in the first shipment! Dh and I like that we don't have to drive anywhere. Needless to say, I went a little overboard and have 60 movies in my queue for them! I just can't believe how fast they came to us (although they were shipped from a town less than an hour away, so it is nice that it's so close!)
So, really, yesterday was just one big family day! The four of us hanging out, having fun, enjoying each other's company!

Today has been a work day for dh. He ran errands this am, and has been scraping wallpaper for a long time. He's on the high stuff (so on a ladder) and on the wallpaper part that is nearly impossible to remove. Basically he will have a lot of drywall to patch up there! I'm too clumsy to be allowed on the ladder while it's on teh stairs, so I am exempt from scraping up there! I did paint the bathroom. It's a nice shade of blue. The trim still needs to be painted, and eventually the sink will need to go becuase it does not look good with the blue! ROFL! But that's all in good time! I think my dh is making good progress on the entryway though. We called the grandparents to tell them and they were excited! We are also getting some of their pictures reframed .... the matt has stains on it (from acid and humidity or something like that). So we had someone over here today to get estimates and all that jazz. They are also excited we are doing that becuase they knew it was time to change them. It will be nice. They are going to come home to a very different home come May! But it's good that all the changes they wanted to make in the house are finally getting done. I know, especially, grandma has been anxiously awaiting all of these changes!

Aside from all of that, life is pretty much the same old around here! The next two weeks will be completely crazy though, so I'll take some of the same old for before that craziness comes!

Replying to comments ....

I was asked this morning "why do you want to have a baby? don't you live in someone else's house? can't wait until you can manage living on your own?"

Why do I want a baby? Because I don't feel my family is complete. Neither does my dh for that matter. We are both in agreement that it is time to enlarge the family.
Don't I live in someone else's house? Yes, I do.
Can't wait until I can manage living on my own? First, I could manage living on my own today, should I want to move. Secondly, yes, I could wait until I move. And maybe I will, and amybe I won't. But being able to wait and turning off the desire are two different things.

I'm not living where I am today because I couldn't live anywhere else. We are very capable of moving out today and surviving pretty darn well. Things would change, money would be tighter, that is true. I live where I live not just for me, but also for the owners of the house - who happen to be relatives, elderly relatives, relatives who love their house but are not able to maintain it they way it needs to be and they way they would like to see it. They have owned this house for 35 years. They have many memories here. They do not wish to downsize simply because of their age. And hence, we are here. We are hear to help with the cleaning and the maintenance and to do the fixer-upper projects they wish they could do themselves.

Anyway, just wanted to clarify I guess.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Our very first ...

loose tooth! My 5 year old has her very first loose tooth! This, of course, is a HUGE deal in our house. It's all she could talk about from about 4 o'clock on. Four o'clock is when she realized just how loose the tooth was. So of course, there was a lot of jumping up and down, she wanted to tell everyone what was going on and she pretty much couldn't stop touching it! She told us she wasn't going to be able to go to sleep becuase she couldn't leave it alone ... although, I'm pretty sure she is asleep now!
It's so cute watching her and seeing how she is reacting to all of this! And as a parent, this feels like a pretty big milestone to me too! Seeing her first step, hearing her first word, watching her learn to read, and now, my baby is losing a tooth! I just can't beleive it.

Other than teeth news today, I played more hands of Old Maid than I care to admit to. These hands were made even more interesting when you discover most were with my 2 year old child! She's pretty cute with it all too! She is able to find a card's match when you isolate one card. So basically, we pass out the cards, I find the pairs she was dealt, and then we play. The funny part is that she always picks from the same spot on my hand: the first card on the left! Then she finds the match, which requires a few squeals of delight and it's mommy's turn. Sometimes she wants to help by just handing me a card, but slowly she is picking up on how it is actually played! It sure is interesting playing Old Maid with a 2 year old! But fun none the less.

Dh is priming the bathroom right now - the same bathroom we had to scrap the wallpaper off, patch, sand and now prime, all because granny wants it painted blue! But, I agree with her - it didn't look so hot with the old wallpaper, and I am glad to see it go! His goal was the bathroom by the superbowl, and I think he will get it! The entryway still has far to go, but we'll get there!

Can't really think of anything else to say ... no big questions to ponder, nothing to rant about, nothing to sigh about ... I suppose that is all good really. The worst thing is that a good on-line person is leaving AOL. That is a bit of a bummer. I will miss her, and her witty comments! Good thing she keeps a blog (which is by far more interesting to read than mine) Today also happens to be her birthday ... so stop on by and give her well wishes! Actual Unretouched Photo

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Long day ...

a good day, but a long day! Thursdays are always our longest days, but we survive.
I think they will continue to be our longest days for about 3 months to come.
Between gymnastics, ballet, reading lesson, Awana stuff ... we had the 2 neighbor kids over. The baby is I want to say around 9 months old ... so much fun! I haven't chased around a crawling baby in a while, and it of course it made me long for a baby even more than I already do! Of course, I do beleive the cramps have started. Bummer!
Other than that, a slow day around here. I should have probably done some laundry, but tomorrow we have no where to go, so I'm kind of piling up a lot of things in the house for tomorrow (just as I did last week, and I will probably begin to do more often!).
I ordered so more things for my 5 year old today ... some workbooks and other things that I think she will have fun with and actually learn with! We'll see when they arrive.

Just another ho-hum day around here really!!

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Tid bits ...

Well, it could always be ... worse.
Why do we say that to each other?
Yeah, I know ... we say it in the hopes that the person we are speaking to will recognize it and feel better about their own situation.
But, I know my own personal opinion is that I HATE hearing and I think I'm not alone in that.
If it were up to me, I would eliminate the phrase. I always want to say "Yeah. I know it could be worse. But I don't care. It's still bad to me."
I would instead replace the phrase with "You're right. Things could be better. I'm really sorry you are going through a rough time right now and I will pray (or hope or wish or whatever) that it does indeed get better for you soon." Because it is true things could be worse, but you know what else? They could also be better. Even if you think it's the best now, there is always room for improvement. So I think we should acknowledge that more.
Someday, when I'm queen, I will ban that phrase! But until then, I will have to learn to live with it right, cause after all, it could be worse right?! ;-)

Sew many things, sew little time ... On a totally unrelated I sold my first sewing thing today! I'm so excited! Hopefully someday I will sell number 2 and 3 and maybe even more! It was a bag I made for someone. It has a pocket on the outside for her to slip catalogues into. She sells things and wanted to have the catalougues visable at all times. I think it's so cute and I really did do a good job on it! Usually I have one big screw-up when I sew something, but not this time. Probably because I took my time and didn't rush since it was for someone else and not me! LOL

I'm not dying afterall ....
For the last two nights after diner , I have felt like I was dying. Being a good and courageous wife, I did not inform my dh of this issue last night. I cleaned up as normal, help put the kids to bed as normal, did my normal nightly routine, and then was in anguish most of the night (I didn't fall asleep until after 3 am despite my best efforts to sleep much sooner). But this morning I woke up fine and I figured it wasn't really something deadly I was suffering from and I would be okay. That is until after dinner tonight. When it returned. And tonight I couldn't be brave. My 2 year old was a pill, my 5 year old was demanding, and my husband didn't even get home until over an hour past bedtime (so I didn't get a break from the kids until it was bedtime). So tonight when he came home, I laid it on him thick. I'm in pain. It hurts. Something is wrong. You need to make it better.
So he started to ask me about it. I told it happened two nights in a row after dinner. I told him I thought my stomach was broke and it was going to blow up. I even had him press on my stomach - becuase it was huger than normal and hard and so painful! I told him it was pressure, such horrible pressure. And that is when he informed me that I was suffering from gas. What? That can't possible just be gas! I feel like such a dork! I have never had gas like this before, and I sure hope it never happens again.
The good news is that my stomach is not going to explode and I'm not dying. The bad news is that dh might not enjoy sleeping next to me tonight ;-)

As promised ....

Some boot pictures LOL!

Here are the pink boots I got! LOL!

The entire boot ... I think they are just plain fun!

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

A first ...

Today I made a first of many ... I made my first big homeschooling purchase!! I invested in Math·U·See, but I bought it second-hand! It is so thrilling!! I wonder when it will get here ... we'll see if my 5 year old is excited as I am.

I may be investing in some other things as well ... who knows. It's hard to decide what to buy, if anything, because I have a conference coming up and I know I will be able to see things there in person and get a chance to really look over material. But, it's hard to pass up a good deal! LOL!

On another front, we also recieved confirmation that she could do the science fair. One of the rules said everything had to be written by the child, but there was a disclaimer that parents could help where needed, so I doubled checked to make sure that meant we could actually write for her, as long as she dictated to us what was to be written. And they said yes, but she may loose a few points because of that. Kind of confusing, but right now, dh and I are looking at it is a good experience for her. She is in a category of k-4th grade ... no way is she even going to be close to winning with that spread. But she is excited to do it and we are excited for her to do it as well! So all and all, it will be a blast and I really pray it will be a positive experience overall =)

And here we go again ...

My body is tremedously cruel to me.
Right now I would love nothing more in the world than to be pregnant again, anxiously awaiting baby number 3.
Alas I am not.
However, every 3-4 months, my body goes crazy on me and acts like it is pregnant. It is cruel, very, very cruel. My period comes late - anywhere from 2 to 10 days, my breasts get huge - to the point where it is obvious if you just look (not to mention for a few days all of my bras feel like they are really medieval torture devices designed to squish my boobs into nothing), I get suddenly extra tired and well, a whole host of other things happen.
And here I am again, now 3 days late, very sore enlarged boobs, so tired it hurts, and yesterday it was uncomfortable to hold my 2 year old against my stomach area - oh, the pressure I felt.
And yet, as much as I hope this time it might actually be for real - that I might actually be pregnant, that a tiny baby is growing inside me at this very moment, I realize that in a matter of days my period will rear it's ugly head, and with it dashing my hopes of finally getting that baby I so desperately want.
It is indeed an ugly cycle. I wish all those hormones in my body would take a break, stop playing these silly pranks on me. Let me get my period every month, on time, with cramps and bloating and maybe even a zit or two.
But alas, I'm sure in 3 or 4 months I will be back here hoping that this time I might be pregnant, that this time it won't be a cruel joke my body has decided to play on me ... and maybe early next year, I will get that baby I so desperately wish for ....

Monday, January 24, 2005

These boots were made for walking ....

Today I bought me some new boots. I don't own any currently. It was a tiny problem this last weekend, when I took my kids in 9" of snow in tennis shoes! So today I decided, I would get boots ...
So I went shopping and went to the boot section. There were lots of boots I didn't like, a few I liked but were out of my price range, but then I found a good, comfy, warm boot that was in my price range. While waiting to request my size (it was so busy there today!) I noticed some pink boots. So to be funny I tried them on!
My 5 year old LOVED them! And my mom said they were really cute and so I did the unthinkable - I bought them! Pink boots. I know own pink boots. (I also own the comfy warm other boots too! LOL!)
When dh came home from work today, I showed him my new pink boots. He laughed! He asked when I would return them. So I told him I loved them and didn't want to return them. So now we have a deal ... he says everytime it rains (they are really rain boots and not snow boots), he is going to remind me to wear my pink boots. I told him I didn't care and just to prove it, I wore them when I went out tonight! They really do keep my feet dry, they just let all the cold in!
Anyway, I have to laugh because I hate attention. I hate thinking that someone might be staring at me. I usually dress extremely boring and unbright and unnoticable just so that I don't have to worry about people looking at me.
And yet, I now own a pair of pink boots! I will have to get someone to take my picture in them tomorrow to share ... I suppose if I'm going to walk around in them, I might as well show them off! ROFL!!

On the outside looking in ...

Sometimes when you are outside a situation, just looking in on it and not participating in it, you can see things that the participants do not notice. I feel like I can do this with my family (mom, dad, siblings). My siblings are much younger than me - so they are still at home with mom and dad (both in middle school).
As much as I love my family, and as hard as it is to say this, their home life sucks: lots of fighting, lots of stomping, door slamming, name calling, a lot of unpleasantness in general. Typical you might think of 2 kids in junior high. The problem is, however, it is not limited to the kids. It is the kids AND adults.
Today my mom mentioned that she doesn't know why my siblings fight so much. I saw this as my chance to jump in with my opinion - with my views from the outside. And so I told her (and my dad) that of course the kids fight and name call simply because that is what their parents do. I even cited a recent example of when my dad called one of the kids a dumb@ss, and how I have heard, with my own ears, names like stupid, retarded, idiot, etc thrown out all the time by my parents (which of course are some of the exact same things the kids say to each other).
Unfortunately, my parents disagreed, immediately got defensive and started giving out excuses. I had hoped that instead they would take a moment to think about it and possibly make the same connection that I had.
My mom told me if my sisters got along she wouldn't have to call them names. What I heard was "I, as the adult, can NOT control my frustration when your sisters fight, HOWEVER, I expect them, as middle school students to be able to do it." I think I'm the only one who heard it like that though ...
I then asked my dad if L wanted to date someone and my dad heard the guy call her a dumb@ss, would he let her date him ... of course he said No way! So I asked why it was okay for him to call her that. He shouldn't, in my opinion, call them names he wouldn't let other people call them. He said it was different because he was her dad. I told him the only difference was that it hurt more coming from your dad than from some boy your own age. Well, he didn't have anything to respond to that - so maybe it did get him to think about it.

I just feel bad. If you talk to any of them - parents, kids - I believe they would all tell you that life there on the whole isn't all that great, that they don't get along all that well, and want it to improve. The problem is that the kids are waiting for the parents to do it first, but the parents are waiting for the kids to do it first.
I suggested to my parents that they sit my sisters down tonight and tell them that they should all try together.
I don't expect that it will actually happen tonight. But I do pray and hope that maybe it will happen soon. Something has got to give because I have a feeling any day, one of them will snap ... and I fear it won't look pretty at all.

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Snow Day ...

We are having a snow day here! I think the snow is done for now - although they are forcasting some squalls running through the area tonight with the chance of another 4-6 inches! Right now we probably have a good 10 on the ground! I love it.
We went sledding with the kids. We lasted a full 15 minutes! The wind was whipping though and even though it wasn't cold, when that wind hit, it sure felt cold!

Anyway, we think tonight we are going to pull out a bunch of candles, cuddle under a big blanket and read some stories before bedtime just by candlelight! A is excited about that! We've also decided that soon we will go "camping." And by "camping" I mean dh setting up a tent in the living room and sleeping in it for a night ... in the safety and comfort and warmth of our own home. Now that folks, is my kind of camping! LOL!

But really we are just having a lounging, relaxing, nothing-to-do kind of day around here. It's nice. I am enjoying it greatly. I feel like we ran around all week long and then yesterday I babysat 2 kids (unexpectedly) so even though we weren't out, things got hectic in. So I'm going to enjoy my time relaxing and just sort of hanging out and trying to enjoy my family just because they are them!

Thursday, January 20, 2005


Well, I thought I was going to get one of the bags finished today. Probably not anymore.
So around quarter to 4, my 2 year old fell down the stairs. Not really fell down. She kind of fell backwards and down. She was only on the 2nd/3rd step and it was like in those commercials where someone falls back into a bed or a pool or something like that. Except she fell back onto the tile floor in front of the front door. The back of her head went bam against the tile.
And she cried. And then she was consoled by me. And we played the 20 questions game
Me: What's your name? She answered correctly.
Me: Who am I? Her: You are mommy.
Me: Where are we? Her: In my bedroom.
As she answered the questions correctly, I felt better. We piled into the car to go to ballet lessons. We being my 5, my 2 and my 4 year old cousin. And as I'm putting her into the car I see that her nose is bleeding. So I called her doctor just to see if I should be watching for anything else. A block away from ballet I am told to get her straight to the ER. Do not wait, do not think anymore about it, just go.
Problem 1: I have my 4 year old cousin
Problem 2: I don't know where a hospital is around here yet.
Problem 3: I am freaking out completely!
So I drop off 4 year old and call dh as he walks me through directions to the hospital. On the way there she falls asleep. Which of course I start thinking that she has now officially passed out and imagining the worst case scenario.
Thankfully we get to the hospital she wakes right up, and wouldn't you know it, she's laughing, skipping, playing, talking with the doctors - acting better than usually does!!!
Turns out in addition to the fall, she had a cut in her nose! That is what the blood came from! They still kept us for 3 hours just to make sure that she was okay.
She does have a very big bump on her head. I feel badly :-(
I wish she hadn't fallen, but I am so grateful that it was minor and she is okay. But, boy things got very scary for me for a while.

Too much of a good thing ...

I stayed up way too late last night working on my project. However, I know have all the pieces cut for 2 bags. That is work in and of itself to cut all the pieces out! Now I just need to add the interfacing and start sewing. I think the actual sewing will be the easiest part of it all. And if things go well, I will probably have at least one of them done by tonight! Woo-hoo! My kind of project ;-)
Although, I'm pretty tired so I don't know if I'll be willing to stay up so late tonight ;-)
I did some more Spanish today. It's almost too easy for me becuase I still remember a lot of what I did in high school/college. I should probably skip ahead to the middle of the program, but I know there are areas I don't know so I'm going to plug away through the entire thing and see what happens.
My 5 year old is excited to do it again so I'm hoping we can squeeze it in today, but not going to push it. She had gymnastics at 11, our cousin (just slightly younger than her) came over at 2, we have ballet at 4 and she will be out of the house from about 5:30 to 9! So I don't think we can squeeze it in today! She did her Awana lesson today, and had fun doing it. And that is probably enough for her ... but I think she wants to show her cousin the Spanish stuff, so hey, I won't stop them if they do!
I just hope this kid can hold out until 9 tonight ... Thursdays are long days for her. On the plus side, we have nothing to do tomorrow - which will be a welcome break for all of us ;-)

Ahhhh ....

Relief ....
I started a new sewing project today. It's like my little break from the real world! I wish I could have a business sewing, but for now I will enjoy the projects that I can do.
This is sew (hehehe) nice! Anyone, anywhere ... need some sewing done? Call me! This is like pure heaven having something to do!
I can not wait for dh to pull all my fabric out of storage ... I think I will start some dresses for the girls for spring/summer. That will certainly keep me busy! I also want to do a diaper bag for a friend, as well as a mini-diaper bag for the kids for their babies. But the friend's diaper bag I would ideally like to get done for the superbowl (they will be here then and I'm not sure when I will see them again before the due date).
So many things to sew ... so little time!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

First lesson ...

done! And surprisingly enough I believe my 5 year old actually did pick up on quite a few words during her lesson! She will have to do lesson 1 probably a lot more times, but that is okay by me ... I am just excited she tried it and enjoyed it and even maybe learned a few words! Yeah for my five year old .... (just in case I'm talking about the Rosetta stone software we invested in recently).

Today we all had dentist appointments too. My children passed with flying colors. My 5 was nervous ahead of time, but of course both kids did fantastic. Of course the bad news is that my 5 has an underbite (which has been very obvious for sometime so hearing it wasn't the shock) and my 2 has an overbite basically from sucking her thumb. It is getting worse overtime. Both children will require orthodontics ... my 5 possibly as soon as next year. Blah ... just more money to pay yet another specialist. But it is worth it. I suppose it won't be too long before she knows that her mouth closes in a much different way than other people's mouth.

My fillings went well, but as always, my jaw hurts tremendously. It will probably hurt for a few days. And in two weeks I will be back to get some more work done on the my mouth. And after that I will be free to see the orthodontist regarding how much my jaw hurts. I really hope and pray there will be a way to fix this. I am so tired of almost always having jaw pain. It gets old after a while, and obviously it just plain hurts tremendously. I am so excited that I can start to work on fixing it. But I have a sinking feeling that it will probably start to hurt more before it gets better. I certainly hope not, but these days, I am not counting it out!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I lied ...

I did not quit for the day.
Instead I pulled out on of my dh's Christmas gifts and played around with that.
He asked for, sort of out of the blue, the Rosetta Stone Spanish level one and two. So, Santa brought it to us Christmas morning as a gift for the entire family. I thought my 5 year old would benefit from watching that mom and dad struggle with new things, since often she gets very upset when she doens't know how to do new things right away.
But anyway, here it is January 18, and he has yet to use it. And it is expensive. I think he should have started using it December 26 considering the price (although I was excited I got it for 30% off). Not only was I anxious for him to use it, I was anxious to see how it worked ... so tonight I got it and tried it.
I have to say, I'm a bit impressed. Although, there is a speaking part and I will not have to bug him to get our computer a microphone!
I'm not so sure my 5 year old will get it, but I still intend to let her play. You just never know with these things. I like how it doesn't say boy - nino. It just says nino. Forget about trying to translate words, just learn them IMO!
I think that tomorrow I will let my 5 year old do a lesson or two and see where it goes. I am hoping my osmosmis maybe my 2 year old will pick some up. She has an amazing ability to repeat just about anything you throw at her, so I think it will be funny to hear her repeating things she has no idea what they mean! LOL!
We'll see ... now that I've seen what it is like ... I will be pestering my dh to get it out and use it himself! I had really hoped it would become an activity for him and 5 year old to do together, but I have my doubts about that happening. Oh well ... if I could get both of them using it , maybe eventually they will begin to use it together.

On another homeschooling front, there is a homeschooling conference for IL taking place about, oh, 15 minutes from my house! I can not wait to attend ... it's in March. I have my registration ready to go I just have to pick activities for my 5 year old. During the parent parts, they have kids parts too - which is nice for me because I don't have to worry about finding a sitter. They even have a daycare spot that my 2 can go into, although she is invited to stay in my seminars if she isn't loud. I don't want to risk it though, so I'm signing her up for it ... besides she will have way more fun that way. I am also volunteering to help out with the kid activities for one time slot, instead of taking seminars through all of them. I figure, someone else has to do it for my kids, so it's only fair that I do it for someone else. But I'm excited ... several seminars are just what I need ... one is about laws in this state, which can be confusing at times. Another one is about how 6 adn 7 year olds learn ... since my 5 will be 6 in October, I think that will be a great one for me. And another one all about preschoolers ... perfect since I have a 2 year old! There are so many things to pick from though. I'm excited about it.

On top of all of that, there is a science fair, to be judged by real scientists. I am waiting for the packet to be e-mailed to me but I am 99% sure my 5 year old will be entered into it. How exciting I think! Not many 5's by me have the chance to be in a science fair so I'm hoping this will be a positive experience for her!

Oh man ...

Here I just typed up an entry that basically said "blah, blah, blah ... still in a not pleasant mood, blah, blah, blah."
And blogger ate it.

Well now the other post is showing up. I'm confused! LOL!

I quit for today ....

I think I should punch out and give up on today.
It's just been one of those days. Today wasn't all bad, but of course the bad is what I focus on.
I'm still trying to get over hurt feelings. I got peeved at my dh tonight. I'm still a bit peeved with him, but I guess it's not really a big deal in the scheme of things. I slipped, again, today and hurt my back more and bumped the arm that was not hurting from the fall the other night. And I looked at a simple math problem and was so far off, it wasn't even like a funny mistake @@.
Whatever. I quit.
I'll look at the good stuff tomorrow I hope. Although tomorrow I get more cavaties filled, which of course is always good fun for me. And then again, it's not.

I'm bummed too. Someone is looking for an in-home daycare. I wish I could volunteer myself up. I would like to have another child here. I would like to be getting a paycheck. But alas, I am not living in my own home, so I can't have another child in here. I guess it's good really. We are busy. And we plan to become even busier as the year progresses. The problem, of course, is that we are busy with Park District classes, and Art classes, and my 5 year old would like to add flute and voice to her list of activities come fall time. We are busy with things that require money. Money that we don't exactly have to part with. We are working on it though. And I hate to limit her opportunities in life simply becuase I am not bringing in a paycheck. She enjoys her activites. She looks forward to them all week long. I enjoy her activites. I love all the stuff she is learning and the confidence she is gaining and the friendships she is developing. I just wish we could give her all of that for free! LOL!

Oh well. I am officially clocking out now.

Monday, January 17, 2005

Assignment ...

I have an assignment.
I am supposed to get an emotion and then allow myself to feel it more strongly and more deeply than I have ever allowed myself to feel it before.
Well, let me tell you. I am MAD right now. I am very mad. I am hurt and mad and upset. And I'm letting myself feel it .... I will not stop the fact that I feel mad. I will not pretend that I am not mad and not blow it off and I will not lie and tell others that it's okay when they say something that hurts me. I will not tell myself that I am over-reacting and that I really have no reason to be upset. Becuase it's not true and it doesn't help.
I am very mad. I am beyond mad. I am steaming mad. I can feel the anger just steaming out of me. I want to scream very loudly. I want to stand up and say: Wait just a minute there. You have just hurt my feelings. And you may not care, but I care. I will not tolerate being treated like a second class citizen anymore. I will not allow you to walk right over me, as if I am just a peon in your world who doesn't matter one bit. Becuase I do matter. I am somebody who deserves to be treated fairly and with respect. And if you can't do that, then that tells me that from this point forward everything you say will go in one ear and out the other.
And I am feeling my anger and I am mad ...
except I'm not really mad now! I feel kind of silly actually. I feel like laughing - partly because it's not even a big deal ... I was feeling extremely mad for the sake of the assignment, not because I was just naturally that upset and it just seems funny to me.
The good news, is I don't feel even slightly mad anymore ... still have some hurt feelings, but oh well ... my guess is that will fade quickly too. But until that point, I will let myself have hurt feelings. And I won't bother to worry about if other people think I should have them or not.

I wish ....

I wish I wasn't so concerned with how other people view me.
I wish that I didn't want to be liked by other people so much.
I wish that when someone I look up to and really want to like me, didn't exactly act like they even sort of liked me, that it didn't bother so much.
Sometimes I wish I could just sort of vanish. But even if I did, no one would really notice anyway.
I wish I could change a lot about myself .... and it seems that no matter how hard I try, the old ways, the things I try to change just get harder and harder and harder to change; making me feel like there is no hope that I will ever change.

Ouch ....

Last night I fell in our basement. On the concrete floor.
Pretty much I hurt my: right ankle, left ankle, left hip, left wrist, left shoulder, left knee.
I have a big bruise on my knee. I don't like it!
There were puddles of water down there. I thougth I had missed them all, but realized I didn't as I came crashing down onto the floor. Apparently I screamed. I know I let out some sort of noise, but didn't realize how loudly until my dh came down to see what was going on. By that time I was walking and heading towards our room. I had something far more important to tell him than I fell.
I had to tell him the basement was flooding with water from the water filter. The same filter he had attempted to change earlier in the day. Not only did he not end up changing up, but he also ended up putting it back on incorrectly so that water was flowing out of the water filter instead of running through the pipes.
So last night at midnight he was cleaning up a surprisingly large amount of water while I was trying not to cry from my fall.
But here we are today. The basement is dry. I am okay, outside of being a bit sore.
And hopefully there will be no more falling for me!

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Finally ....

done printing up old message board posts!!
AOL, which is not on my favorite list at the moment, is converting their message boards. Old posts (posted on the soon to be old format) will be gone February 1.
I have posted on message boards since May 02. I have a lot of stories and memories I have shared on their about me and my children.
So for the last few days, I have been searching old posts and printing up anything I want to keep. I post a lot. It wasn't nearly as quick or easy as I thought it would be. But I'm glad I have my memories in a paper format now. It was something I had been wanting to do for a while ....

Other than that, the weekend has been an improvement over the end of last week. So that was good. Dh and I played a lot on the computer ... Age of Wonders ... great game! We have the computers linked so we can play as allies during the games. It's always fun to have that time together. We used to do a lot, especially when we were first married. And then over time it has slowly went away. Until this Christmas, I don't think we have played in about a year. Kind of sad. But I'm glad we are doing it again. It's our thing and it's nice to get that back.

Next weekend we are going to take the kids downtown Chicago via the train. The weather will determine if we do something indoors or outdoors. Given that it is January and we live in Chicago, and not Florida, I'm guessing we will be inside ... but that's just a hunch I have ;-)

Well I should be in bed now ... tomorrow comes much too soon and I think it will be a busy day. We'll see how it goes!

Friday, January 14, 2005

Another one of those days ....

Again, it was one of those days today.
It actually was good this am. We got up, got ready, we were cruising down the highway .... well, okay it wasn't a highway and I wasn't speeding, but I did get pulled over :-( It was a deserved ticket, although the infraction was not done on purpose. But it hapened and I feel like an idiot for getting pulled over. And of course, in front of the kids. Who weren't really quite sure what to make of it all. My 5 year old told me "don't worry mom. I won't tell grandma and papa until after you are out of the room." Gee. Thanks dear.
I also had some dental work done today. Two teeth with some major decay were worked on today. It would be easy, except I have some serious TMJ issues. So we had to stop and give my jaw several breaks. We also had to stop because of a few other teeth that are extremely sensitive. My dentist is good, and he really does try to make sure I am comfortable - well he would have to be! I asked him to stop several times and he never once seemed annoyed with me! (Which is good of course! LOL!)
But of course my jaw was dying by the time we finished, which leads to a major headache, which coupled with the ticket and being tired, has just put me in a major funk again.
And just to top it off, I get to go back to get some more work done Wednesday. And I'll be back again soon becuase I have a lot of decay in my mouth that needs to be gone ASAP. And after all the decay is gone, I will hopefully, get some treatments for my jaw which will make my jaw better. We'll see ... hopefully by fall things will be looking much much better. All teh decay should be done by summer time so we can move on and work on the jaw issue.

My dh is being pretty nice though. We ordered pizza for dinner becuase I was NOT in the mood to cook. After we put the kids down for bed, we will play a computer game, which is always enjoyable. And he has reassured me a million times over that the ticket is no big deal and to not worry about it.

I just hope tomorrow will be a better day. And it should be becuase I am going to go to the fabric store to buy some more things and start on some new projects. And generally, having something to work on, helps me to get out of my funks.

Thursday, January 13, 2005


Today is just one of those days. I don't know why. It's just one of those days in which I begin to wonder what in the world is wrong with me. Somedays it just feels like I must be the dumbest, ugliest .... you get the picture ... person in the world. I get stuck in these funks every so often. I don't really know why, but I hate it.
I hate the feeling. I hate how down it makes me feel. I hate that I can't just snap my fingers and fix myself and be a normal human being. I hate that my children have such a screwed up mom, and my husband has to deal with a screwed up wife. I hate that I am a 25 year old person and I still haven't figured out how to deal with my emotions.
I am just hating a lot of things today.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Nervous ....

I am nervous. I shouldn't be, but I am.
Tomorrow we are taking my 2 year old to a major hospital to get an evaluation done on her. It will really be a good thing to do it because we have been waiting for this for a while now. She was originally supposed to go the day of my grandma's funeral, but for obvious reasons we cancelled.
I know they won't tell us anything too terrible, so I shouldn't be nervous, but yet, I am. It's my nature to worry and fret.

Other than that, today I took the kids to the children's museum by us. We really did have fun! And it was nice to get out of the house. Afterwards, we went to McDonalds where I let them play in the play place for almost an hour and a half! It was nice for all of us! They enjoyed playing and I sat and knitted as I watched them! My youngest climbed in the tunnels today - her first time ever! Usually she is too scared to do it, so that was fun to watch. There were other children there, so my older dd had fun playing with them.
Overall a pretty decent day for us around here. I still am feeling like I'm on the edge ... I just don't know of what. I hate having this anxious feeling - it makes me get up-tight and touchy and it's just not a fun feeling for me.
Hopefully, it will pass soon, and my mood will improve.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Practice what you Preach ....

This is what people should say to me everytime I give advice out!
It seems I have a knack for giving really good, sound, practical advice. I enjoy giving people advice. I am a bit egotistical and believe that I have a good knack at reading people (well, most people anyway) and that I somehow just know what to say.
Here's the problem: I deal with a lot of the same issues people ask me about. Somehow, I can formulate good advice, that even I would benefit from hearing said to me. Yet, I can't bridge that gap between knowing what to do and actually doing it.
I want to be able to bridge that gap, yet at the same time, it would require change. Change is uncomfortable for me. Change scares me. It makes me heart race, my palms sweat and my stomach do flips. Thinking about change makes me uncomfortable as it, and actually adjusting to change makes me a bit crazy some days.
Making changes is harder in the short term, but I recognize in the long term it would be very beneficial - not just to me, but those around me.
And yet, I'm having a hard time figuring out how to change the things in my life and how to change myself and my thought patterns and the patterns that, although may not be the best, feel comfortable and known to me.
This is definitely something I want to struggle through, something I want to change and overcome ... but there is that word again. Change. Change. Maybe if I typed it out 500 times it would seem less scary? Maybe if I shouted it out for all to hear,it would seem less scary? Maybe I shouldn't think about changing, but instead think about improving myself.
That doesn't work. It still means change. Well change, enjoy the power you have over me now. Becuase you won't keep that power much longer. Your power over me will change soon. Soon, I won't fear change, but hopefully I will be able to make changes in babysteps, and convince myself that it's not so bad afterall. That it makes things better and happier nad more fun. And then change will not have such a hold over me!

In need of ...

pretty much every show on TLC right now LOL!
My dh and I are "In a Fix." Not that we started the project, but we need to finish it. I was thinking the other day the In a Fix crew could come to my house, but they could bring Gen from "Trading Spaces" with them. And just to make it more fun, they could set it up like on "While You Were Out." And it gets even better - to get me out of the house without me knowing the In a Fix crew was coming with Gen, they could send me to New York to meet with Stacy and Clinton on "What Not to Wear."
It would be amazing, a dream come true, and it would be a great way for TLC to promote all of their shows in a one-night special showing of a show all about me!!
Aww .... it would be so nice! And a girl can dream can't she?
Hmm .. maybe I should send a letter off to TLC right now!

Friday, January 07, 2005

Sleepless in Chicago ...

I can't sleep. I'm so tired and yet I can't sleep. This has not happened in about a month now. I was hoping that the issue was gone for good, but apparently not. I should probably not be complaining and instead saying how wonderful it is that I haven't had to deal with this sleeplessness in a month. But I'm not. I'm going to instead complain about how I can't sleep tonight. When I have too many places to go to tomorrow and a busy Saturday ahead too. This is going to throw me off for a few days and I'm not at all excited about the prospect.
I can't even sit here without yawning every minute, but yet, I can't sleep. I hate this. I hate not being able to fall asleep. And to top it off, my stomach is churning like mad. I think I might actually have to throw up soon. I don't like this. Not one single bit. I would like to curl up and just fall asleep right now. My stomach has been feeling funny off and on since Monday. :-( I also felt very dizzy Monday night. My youngest dd banged me pretty hard in the head Monday late morning, and I honestly just thought that her hitting me somehow threw off my equilibrium for the day (and she hit me hard. We both had tears when it happened). But I kind of felt it a bit yesterday and Tuesday. And now again tonight. When all I really want to do is sleep.
Bummer. Now I'm in a crabby, whiney, tired mood. Hopefully if I get back into bed now, I will be able to fall asleep and not toss and turn for the next hour.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Tired out ...

I just feel so tired today. Of course, it would make sense to go to bed now, but here I am! LOL! Hmmm ... what was I saying yesterday about computers? just teasing ...
I did a lot today, but it doesn't really show looking around the house. Tomorrow will be another busy day - most of the day will be spent running around to several different stores. The kids and I might go out for lunch, I'm not sure though. We'll see how the errand-running is going!
Saturday I will also be out of the house pretty much all day ... from about 10:30 to oh, 6ish. I am honestly not looking forward to it!
I am not one of those people that craves getting out once a day. I would be content only going out maybe twice a week. I like being home. I feel safe and comfortable at home. I just like being home more than I like being out. I do enjoy getting out every now and then, but going out all the time doesn't excite. Actually, going out too much makes me feel a little nervous! But I will get over that soon enough! Next week we kick into overdrive. This is how our life will look until about April/May-ish
Monday: A art class 10-11; M and me parent/tot ballet 12:45-1:15
Tuesday: M OT 11:15-12:15
Wednesday: M PT 8:45-9:45
T: A gymnastics 11-12; A ballet 4-4:45; A awana 7:00-8:30

Yeah, Thursdays are going to be rough days around here. Thankfully, Fridays are pretty open. But, if it doesn't work out, we will just drop something.
Also starting in 2 weeks, The kids start another class on Tuesday. It will be for both of them and me all together. That should be really the fun one!

Okay ... now I am just rambling on and on ... I'll stop until tomorrow!!

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Dr. Phil ...

Today's show was about adictions. One person wrote in with a computer addiction! Computer Junkie
Hmm ... made me wonder! I do get teased a bit about having a computer addiction myself. I even joke that I am an addict!
No, I don't really think I'm an addict. I'm on a lot, but it insn't interferring with my life. Nor do I go into withdrawal when I don't have it!
Anyway, it made me think ... I just have to remember to not let the computer take over my life!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Shoot me now ...

We do this every year. We do it several times a year. And yet, it never gets any easier or fun or enjoyable.
Today we cleaned out the toys. So it consisted of dumping a bunch of toys on the floor of the living room and sorting through them with a 5 and 2 year old.
I have to give the 5 year old credit. She does do a good job of getting rid of some of them. But she never picks as many as I would like to see. And then she has a hard time packing some of them back up. We don't have a ton of room here for toys, nor do I think my kids need all their toys available to them at every minute!
But we did it. We are getting rid of a good amount of toys. We took 4 boxes of toys nad put them down to 2. Well it was probably more like 2.5 - it's still hard to tell because we are not completely finished.
Now we have a pile of toys in the living room and a pile of toys in the basement. Our next step is to put them away - hopefully in an organized fashion.
We could probably get rid of some more toys if we pushed ourselves. But it's hard. I want more children, so I can't just toss everything my two have grown out of. And some came from certain people or came for certain reasons and it's hard to part with them.
I think for now, we did pretty darn good with this elimination round. There are still some more boxes in storage. So soon, we will be playing an elimination round again! But I hope it's a few weeks before dh brings home another round of boxes.
It was hard enough to sort today. And we are taking a break between the sorting and the putting away becuase the kids were at their limits, and i insist they help put things away - mainly to teach them where to put them away in the future!
Anyway ... I'm glad the sort is over. I'll be more glad when everything is tidied up and put away! LOL!

And oh yes, I have been drinking my water today! Yeah ... I haven't given up yet LOL!

Monday, January 03, 2005


They say that the average family has 7,000 worth of credit card debt. Yahoo! Control Your Credit Card Debt
Well here is my sad news for the day: I am way over that average! And not just be a little bit. But by a lot of bit!

There is good news in site though. In a year from now our debt should be cut in half.
The bad news. In a year from now we will still have a bit more credit card debt than the average family.
The good news: In 2 years from now, we should be debt free. I hope so anyway. From this point forward it should be about 20 months to no debt. That puts us at August 06.
I think that is fabulous! Especially for the amount of debt we have!
And I'm still hopeful that dh gets a bonus next year, or a raise, or his side business earns a bit of money so that maybe we can get it paid off a bit quicker.
But in the meantime, August '06 is my dream to be debt free. And that will feel SOOO good!

Day 3 ....

Day 3 of the New Year.
Resolutions going okay so far. Right now I am drinking water, so that's one resolution I have been able to start off right away! LOL!
Other than that, all's well.
That's all I guess!

Back to reality ...

We've essentially had a 2 week break here ... no art, no gymnastics, etc, for the past 2 weeks. But today was back to life as normal.
Oldest dd had art class this morning. Then we went to the party store. Then the grocery store. Then the library to drop off one book. Then to Hobby Lobby to pick up a few things. Then to home. We had enough time to eat lunch. Then we had to help a cousin run an errand. About 20 minutes later I had to pick up a different cousin from preschool (as a favor to an aunt). Which takes us to 3 o'clock.
I've spent some time then making some chocolate candies (fun, but I'm still learning the trick to it! LOL).
Tonight I was out some more.
It's been one of those days! The break is over. The party is over. The holidays are over. It's time to join the real world. I was sort of enjoying the break from everything.
Sometimes I wonder why I just don't put us in more than one thing a week. But I don't. And we just go and go. And it's not so awful. The kids actually enjoy getting out and having fun and doing things. And it's nice to see them happy.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

The year of the ....

family. That is what dh and I are going to make this year. A year to take our good family and turn it into a great family. We have decided that out family unit is number 1. My dh is going to try to be home more often - to get work situated to that he doesn't have so many late nights. I have decided to focus on quality time with the family. I get plenty of quantity, but not so much quality right now.
We have also decided that we are not going to take a big vacation this year. We want to save and next year do something very nice. Instead, this year we are going to plan day trips and lots of fun things around here.
I have to admit that I am very excited about it. I think it will be a good year for us all around. I'm excited at how much fun we should be having. I really feel like this year has a lot of promise for all of us.
I just can't wait to see how our family can go from good to great. And I'm excited about that. =)