Monday, January 17, 2005

Assignment ...

I have an assignment.
I am supposed to get an emotion and then allow myself to feel it more strongly and more deeply than I have ever allowed myself to feel it before.
Well, let me tell you. I am MAD right now. I am very mad. I am hurt and mad and upset. And I'm letting myself feel it .... I will not stop the fact that I feel mad. I will not pretend that I am not mad and not blow it off and I will not lie and tell others that it's okay when they say something that hurts me. I will not tell myself that I am over-reacting and that I really have no reason to be upset. Becuase it's not true and it doesn't help.
I am very mad. I am beyond mad. I am steaming mad. I can feel the anger just steaming out of me. I want to scream very loudly. I want to stand up and say: Wait just a minute there. You have just hurt my feelings. And you may not care, but I care. I will not tolerate being treated like a second class citizen anymore. I will not allow you to walk right over me, as if I am just a peon in your world who doesn't matter one bit. Becuase I do matter. I am somebody who deserves to be treated fairly and with respect. And if you can't do that, then that tells me that from this point forward everything you say will go in one ear and out the other.
And I am feeling my anger and I am mad ...
except I'm not really mad now! I feel kind of silly actually. I feel like laughing - partly because it's not even a big deal ... I was feeling extremely mad for the sake of the assignment, not because I was just naturally that upset and it just seems funny to me.
The good news, is I don't feel even slightly mad anymore ... still have some hurt feelings, but oh well ... my guess is that will fade quickly too. But until that point, I will let myself have hurt feelings. And I won't bother to worry about if other people think I should have them or not.

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