Monday, January 31, 2005

My Thinking Day ....

Monday is my thinking day. I mostly like that it's my thinking day, but sometimes I don't! Tonight it was a good, but uncomfortable thing.
I came to some important realizations last week. I'm kind of kicking myself for not making the connections in my life sooner, however, it is really about things that I have been trying to hide, to avoid, to forget about for some time, so of course, I wasn't thinking about it enough to make the connections.
And yes, I know I'm probably being cryptic ... but I'm not in a position where I can share everything ... so it may be cryptic, but I want to get it out without saying what "it" is!

Anyway, aside from being a productive thinking day, the day did get off to a rocky start!
Woke up late, of course .... but then as we were about to leave, the toilet overflowed. Big mess. Lots of water. It's fixed, but we still don't know why it happened. It was just bad timing really. After that things were better.
We had a play date today at M's house. Her dd K and my little M are the same age. All 3 kids had fun though, and well, it was nice to talk to another mother! We are doing it again soon, possibly next Monday, and hopefully a third mom will be there too! It was nice to get out. I let my guard down a little around her, which is tremendously hard for me to do. I even laughed at myself while we were there. It's strange ... it seemed natural, but yet it was unnatural. It just flowed out as part of what was going on (hence the natural part) but I'm usually so guarded and usually I prevent anything from just flowing out that it felt extremely unnatural as well. I think I liked the natural part better. I should do it more often. It wasn't so bad either ... she didn't kick me out, or tell me I was stupid, or make fun of me or anything. Maybe there is hope ... I can be a normal person one day who isn't so guarded and secretive and so set on trying to appear perfect. Which takes a lot of effort to keep up that front, to be so guarded - it's very anxiety provoking and even I admit is probably a bigger turn off to people than occasionally looking imperfect. But I'm working on it ... I really am. And there is hope. And that is good thing. Because there have been times where I have felt hopeless and it's not fun.

1 comment:

Smoov said...

Did you appoint Monday as your thinking day or did it just work out like that? I find I do my best thinking while I am driving.