Thursday, March 31, 2005

Our family just got bigger ...

and no I'm not pregnant!
My 5 year old has an imaginary friend. Her name is Piper. She turned 1 today. We had cake and ice cream to celebrate. She is living with us becuase her parents died in a tornado in Florida. Before Piper lived in Florida, she lived in India, France and Aurora. Piper has amazing verbal skills for a one year old. Last night her and Abigail and the same bad dream.
Piper also isn't completely imaginary.
I have to reiterate here .. my dd is 5.
Piper is some of that grass from an Easter basket wrapped up in tissue paper. She is also covered in lots of tape, and of course, being made of tissue paper and all, she gets lots of extra tape put on all day long.
I think this is absolutely hilarious, but of course, am not laughing in my dd's face! I'm not sure why Piper has joined us now. Piper is very nice though, and not troublesome at all. I do wonder how long Piper will be with us? And what will happen then the tissue paper is ripped beyond repair? Part of my wants to run out and buy more and "replace" Piper during the night, but then again ... I don't want to do that either! LOL!

Anyway ... it's kind of cute to see this happen. And my 5 year old is really taking care of Piper and being almost like her mother. It certainly is cute, and sweet, and yet funny and hilarious all at the same time!

See that kind of blob on the purple pillow, partly covered with a blanket? That's Piper!

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Another good (half) day!

Today started gorgeous again! My 2 year old even had physical therapy outside today for half her session. It was nice.
After that we hung out a bit, and then we walked to the store. The total trip time was 45 minutes ... however, we walked there, stopped off at a relative's business to say hi (it was on our way) then shopped and walked home. Most of the groceries, minus 3 bags fit in the stroller, but we made it home just fine. Although, for the last block I was dying! LOL! Of course, I was impressed becuase I thought I would be breathless before then.
We came home and ate lunch. Then we all sort of just rested. They predicted rain so we kind of hung out inside. At 3:30, it still hadn't rained, so 5 year old and I went outside to play (2 year old was sleeping on the couch). We drew with chalk, jumproped, and played tag (now that game made me feel really out of shape! Holy cow! I think my 5 year old runs faster than I do! ROFL!!). Then it really started to get windy and we could see the rain clouds coming. Now, it's raining.
We are under a severe thunderstorm warning and a tornado watch. My 5 year old is wondering if we need to be prepared for a tsumani. Which isn't so funny knowing what just happened, but it kind of is since we live in the middle of the United States. That would be one big tsunami if it hit us.

On some more good news, I think my waistline is getting a little trimmer. My jeans feel loser on me! Yeah! I don't regularly measure myself, so I dont' know if it's true or not, but it feels true and that's good enough for me! LOL!

Anyway, apparently it's supposed to rain pretty much off and on all night tonight, so it will be a good night to curl up with some knitting projects! LOL!

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Grrrr .....

I have been trying to get here for several days now. Blogger must be having some big issues right now or changing something ...I don't know. But it's been very difficult for me to get to any of my blogs these last few days, and leaving comments on anyone's blog is nearly impossible these days ...

Anyway, in case you were wondering, I no longer hate everyone and everything. Now I just hate a few people out of that everyone group! ROFL!!! Same person I've had friction with in the past, just a new issue @@ Whatever. Too bad I will have to see this person for the rest of my life (or their life - whichever comes first). And I know that seems mean, but oh well. I am mean when it comes to this one person!

Aside from that, yesterday and today were both lovely days. We've had some good weather here. Yesterday was by far better than today. We spent most of the last two days outdoors and it's so nice. How can you be crabby when you finally get a day to wear no coat and haven't had one of those in about 6 months (maybe 5 ... either way ... too long!)? I couldn't be!

Spring is here. Life is good in my house. I'm not going to let anyone pull me down! My little family is getting along better than ever. We are happier than we've been and we are having more fun than we have had in a while! And well, that's all so great that it will take something big to stop that momentum.

Well, I suppose on a bit of a downer - my grandparents house is now empty. It will go up for sale soon. They lived there since 47 I think? A long time. My entire life they lived there. Everyone knows that address and phone number by heart. And now, it's gone. :-( I suppose life must go on, and we can't freeze that house or make it a permanent shrine to them, but it's hard to see it go. March ends soon and that saddens me. You see it was this month that we were supposed to take my grandparents to Washington DC to see the WWII memorial. My grandfather wanted to see it. He served his country in that war, and was so honored that he was able to do that. I know that memorial meant a lot to him - I can't imagine how many friends and fellow soldiers he probably lost during that time. I am thankful that he came back to us, that he came home, met my grandma and married her. But it's so sad. I still miss them terribly. My 5 year old asked if we could go to their house today adn when I told her no she said "That's right. They died. But don't worry mom. They aren't dead anymore. They are up in Heaven with Jesus and they are happy." And even though she's five, and she's the daughter, and I'm the mom ... it really comforted me. It's like, she's too little to just say something to make me feel better ... she's saying what she really thinks and feels. And so I have to believe that they are up in heaven, the two of them, happy to be together again and smiling down on the rest of us and probably trying to tell me to not be sad, but to celebrate the memories I had with them and now to celebrate the memories I am making with my children. And maybe I read to much into her statement today. But that's the feeling I got when my 5 year old was talking to me.

So anyway, things here are looking up. And I do miss my grandparents, but I am comforted thinking that they are together again and happy and now it's my turn to be happy too!

Friday, March 25, 2005

Some days ...

I just hate everything.
I'm having one of those days. I just hate everything today, including myself. I think I will try to hibernate as much as possible (which won't be much with my 2 kids and 3 extras here) but I will try. No need to rub my bad attittude off on them.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I need to learn ...

to shut-up. Sometimes it's the most important, smartest thing I can do.
And yet I keep blabbing and blabbing.
:::sigh::: I wish I could just keep my mouth shut and talk only when it's necessary or can't get me into trouble.
I don't hold out much hope for myself though ... someday Ill really get into trouble for my talking and maybe then I'll learn!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Happy Birthday ...

to my husband! =) I think he had a pretty good day overall, which is good!
We did go out to dinner tonight. We had a blast. We went ot Joe's Crab Shack. My 5 year old told the waitress it was her dad's birthday so towards the end of the meal, they had him ride a toy pony around the restaraunt as we all sang! It was great! I, fortunately, had a camera with me, so now I just have to hope the pictures came out! LOL! Then dh and my 5 year old went to the store, where he picked out his "birthday present." She wanted daddy/daughter time with him so we sent them to pick his gift together to get that time! She of course, also has planned a daddy/daughter swimming day and a daddy/daughter dinner as well! Too cute =)
I have to say I'm a bit sad for him becuase his dad didn't call him to wish him a happy birthday. The phone rang once and he said "Bet it's my dad!" And it wasn't. His momma called him, his granny called him, but not his dad. :-( Kind of sad. I would be bummed if my parents didn't call me on my birthday. But you know, really, maybe things were busy and they'll call tomorrow. Although, sadly, if I were betting, I'd bet they don't. But I hope I'm wrong. We are supposed to get together with them Friday, so maybe they are just waiting to say it in person? I hope so.
I did babysit today as I was supposed to. It ended up being a bit longer than I expected, but the 2 nieghbor kids are so cute and sweet! The youngest just started to walk ... I forgot how fun it can be to chase a new walker who wants to explore absolutely everything around! But we survived the baby-proofing the house and no one was hurt! LOL!
My 2 year old had therapy today. We picked up on some tracking issues she could potentiontially have. So we were given some issues to help here with that. If that is the issue going on, it would explain some other things going on with her! Not that we are super worried (okay, I am, but I am always super worried even when there is no reason to be) but it's nice to say "Hey, the issue is probably here, and it explains behavior x, y, z" Also, and not that this is important yet, but what we saw today would means she has a hard time looking down then up, like looking at a book and then a blackboard. I'd rather find out now than when she is in 5th grade and can't learn to take notes and we don't know why! Hopefully though, since we see it now, we can give her enough exercises to help her out.
Overall a good day, but I'm pretty tired. And I know I'm rambling! And people don't want to read my ramblings so I'll stop!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Not skipping today ....

Today I stumbled and fell. It kind of sucks when it happens, but hey, you know, I just have to roll with the punches I guess.
Tomorrow I agreed to babysit the neighbor's children in the am and totally forgot until she reminded me tonight! Yikes! What was I thinking?!?! That was a silly mistake on my part. Good thing I was reminded tonight and not tomorrow am when the doorbell was ringing calling me out of bed! LOL!
Finished 2 books now in 2 days! That's good as I haven't read in forever! So I'm glad to have finished something finally!
I discovered something is definitely wrong with me today. Grrr ... I hate figuring that out, but I guess in the long run you have to acknowledge it or you can't change it. Anyway, we were watching tv and a commercial came on for weight loss. And all I could think was the lady they had picked wasn't really that skinny and wouldn't they want someone else to be their spokesperson? Then of course it flashes on the screen that she is like 120 pounds, size 2. WTF is wrong with me to think that that is chubby? I seriously would have put her at 160! I'm not even kidding. This is awful. This means I have no freaking clue as to what is a healthy weight and what isn't.
And I swear, I am not judgemental of people I actually know IRL. I've never thought that about a friend. But I think it all the time about people on the TV or in magazines, or myself. What is wrong with me? Someone please come smack me. Tell me that I'm all screwed up and it's wrong to feel that way. I guess the onyl good thing is that I'm not actively starving myself or suffering from any eating disorders ... althouhg ironically enough I eat crap and probably eat too much, which seems surprising but I suppose if you look at the big picture it really isn't but another symptom of the underlying issue that is also causing these thoughts of unrealistic body image.
Anyway ... I should go to bed ... I need ot be awake and alive to deal with the extra kiddies tomorrow! And tomorrow is also my dh's birthday so we are going out for dinner and I want to be awake and happy for him! =)

Monday, March 21, 2005

No favoritism ...

for celebrities, so they say. I think not.
Not that I 'm following the trial closely, but apparently Michael Jackson was late to court today, the second time thus far. And he has not been punished for it, despite threats from the judge.
What a crock! If it were me, there would have been a fine (or whatever she told him). Only Jackson could get away with it.
It's like being around other parents who tell their kids "You better stop, by the time I count to 3. One .... two .... two and a half .... Stop it! I said stop it. I mean it. This time I'm counting and if you don't stop, you will be in trouble ... 1 ... 2 .... come on little Suzy Q. Please be a good girl for mommy. I'll buy you ice cream if you behave!"
I hate watching that.
And I hate seeing that Jackson is getting special treatment because he's a celebrity.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

It's been a long day ....

It's just one of those days.
I think I'm catching what it seems like everyone else around me has had or does have. The stomach is not happy. It acts hungry, but no matter what I give it, it's just not good enough! This stinks. I hate this feeling. That coupled with the feeling that I haven't slept in about 50 years, well, it hasn't been the most pleasant of days. I just hope it's really a one day thing and tomorrow I will be okay. Because tommorrow my dh is planning on doing some major work around the house. And well, it won't be conducize to just hanging out on the couch sleeping on and off. I even fell asleep at the desk earlier tonight!

Right now my dh is playing cards with 4 other guys. It's nosy and loud and I can't really concentrate! I can hear the chips being tossed around, the banter between them, it's very interesting really to listen. But honestly, I think I'll send this and then run and hide. I have a movie here to watch tonight ... One Hour Photo. I will enjoy seeing Robin Williams be the "bad guy."

Speaking of movies ... last night dh adn I watched Blackhawk Down. I was crying by the end. I felt sick to my stomach watching it. I can't even imagine living in a place like that. We are so darn pampered in the good old US of A. Even our poor really aren't poor comparitively speaking. It's so infuriating to watch this movie and feel like I can't do anything. I'm sure I can do something ... but I'm not really sure where to begin or how to help. Any ideas ... let me know.

Anyway ... I'm ready to leave the boys now and leave them to their card game!!

Friday, March 18, 2005

Frustrated ...

I'm having lots of issues with the blog - mostly with comments, but a lot of times the page won't load for me. I'm also having issues leaving comments on other blogs too! Blogger says they are working on it, but it's frustrating!!
Anyway ... if you want to leave me a comment without dealing with a faulty comment system for the moment ... e-mail is open at

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Something is in the air ...

at my house. It's a good something. It's relaxation and fun. Something we've had before, but always in small spurts spread out too far apart. And it's all changing. This fun is coming out more and more. We are more relaxed - not just me either, the entire family (well, except for my dh, but that's another story altogether). This transformation is really blowing me away.
I wrote recently about a part of me that was slowly coming back to life again. This person inside of me that has been hidden for far too long. It would appear that as this person inside of me stirs and grows and pops out, there is a person inside my 2 year old stirring and growing as well.
It's hard to explain, especially when you haven't been around my 2 year old before. And you may be wondering what I'm talking about ... 2 year olds can't tell us these sorts of things. But they can tell us, just not in words, but in actions. My 2 year old has been flagged for anxiety before. She wouldn't even look in the direction of a stranger - choosing to instead look at the floor or bury her head in mom, or dad - whoever was closer. For a while, they even thought she was displaying signs of autism partly because she had this lack of eye contact. She has always been jumpy, has always been a bit high strung (you go to hug her the wrong way and she will break down in tears). But she's changing and she's growing and somewhere along the way, her anxiety has almost disappeared! I wouldn't believe it if I didn't live with her. Even then, I didn't believe it - maybe I was seeing things, maybe I wanted it to happen so much that I believed it was happening when it wasn't - there are so many ways I've learned to trick my mind. But, it's not just me. Others are picking up on it. Others are commenting on it.
I would have never in a million years have thought that the best way to help my child is to help myself. Because I believed that I had to help my children first before I could even begin to think about myself. Isn't that what being a good mom is? Putting them before me? But alas, it's not. I was doing her no favors, and in hindsight, it was merely a cover for what I was really feeling. It had nothing to do with being a good mom, or doing what I thought I had to do. I tricked myself to believe that. But in reality, it was that I was too afraid to do what I needed to do for me. I knew it meant that I would have to change. It meant that I would have to challenge views of the world that I have held since I was just a little kid. It meant that I would have to face those thoughts that I have worked so hard to bury deep down inside because I didn't want to face them. It meant I would have to learn to let me out and tear down this facade I have so meticulously built up to be my life. And that folks is scary. It's frightening. Thinking about it a year ago would have more than surely brought about a panic attack. Besides, I so cleverly tricked myself into believing, the kids have to come first. And I can't keep them first if I'm working on myself.
But, it turns out I was wrong. I had it all backwards. Sure, it is scary. It's scary right now! My heart is beating fast just writing about it here, because there is a part of me screaming in my head "You can't tell people that! They won't like you anymore! They will think you are a messed up freak who shouldn't be a mom! Stop telling them all of that! Delete and instead say that you had a fine and wonderful day with your fine and wonderful kids and life is fine and wonderful and do NOT tell them anything else!"
And I could do that. I could easily click on the little X up in the right hand corner ... Forever deleting what I've typed so no one else can read it (and I admit, I've done it a lot of times in the past). But not tonight. I won't do it tonight.
Tonight, I want people to read that I have become a better mom to my children by working on me first. I have made my children better because I have made myself better. My children will continue to bloom and grow because I will continue to bloom and grow. I will not hide behind my children anymore. I will not use them as an excuse to avoid my issues anymore. Because it didn't work. It just didn't work. And in a year's time, my family will be stronger than ever, and it will be because I took an hour a week just for me. And my kids haven't suffered from it. Instead they have blossomed and grown in ways I didn't think possible.
And that my friends, is probably the most important lesson I have learned in life so far.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

This should be ...

required reading for everyone who is currently married and has children or is thinking about getting married and having children .... Grenade or Band-aid.
Seriously. It's good. She is an amazing writer and has a way of making her words connect to pretty much anyone reading it!

I also say this as someone who grew up with divorced parents. They sepereted when I was 9 months old and made it official when I was 3. I have absolutely NO memory of when my family was "together." But I'll tell you, it has affected me that my parents probably never imagined. They thought I wouldn't care becuase I was too little to know. But I wasn't too little to know in school that I only had a mom. I wasn't too little to get jealous when others talked about all the great things they did with the dads, or their moms and dads together. And I wasn't too young when I started to ask myself what was so wrong with me that my dad ... my own dad ... the very man who helped create me ... wanted absolutely nothing to do with me?

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Shout out ...

to everyone visiting from Mel's blog! Thanks for stopping by ;-) Hope you enjoy your stay!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Well I did it ...

I prattled on Friday and Saturday about all the wonderful things I learned this weekend, all the great ideas that I recieved, how I was so motivated and energized again. And so today, I began to pursue one of the great ideas I was given this weekend.
The thought stems from the fact that I am a homeschooling parent, I have to realize that I can't provide everything my kids may need. Afterall, I am only a mere mortal! LOL
My 5 year old has expressed an interest in art. She wants to be an artist, were she to pick a career path today. I can make stick figures. I can create a pretty decent crayon rainbow, I can even draw some decent clouds. But that is where my artistic ability ends. Dh has a smiley face mastered. And well, that's about all he can draw. Not that we aren't artistic ... just not in a Picasso or Money or Cassett sort of way! So, what am I supposed to do when my 5 year old tells me she wants to be an artist when she grows up? Sure, I could buy some watercolor paints, in their set of 6 with the clear lid that flips up to reveal the 6 perfect ovals of color. We could even go to teh library and get some books. I'm sure somewhere there is a book So You Want to Be An Artist When You Grow Up? But would it mean much to her? Would a paragraph accompanied by a picture or two really get her to grasp the idea of what an artist is? Probably not.
So, we are searching for an artist. Preferable a nice artist. An artist that wouldn't mind hanging out with a 5 year old for 30 minutes once a week for a few months. I have called several places, sent out a mass e-mail to about 30 mothers in the area, and asked several people for ideas. My 5 is absolutely thrilled that we are trying to find an artist to work with her, to teach her what being an artist is all about. She even knows that she will have to do something for the artist since the person will be taking time to help her.
I'm very excited for this. I really hope we are able to find her an artist, a mentor so to speak. What an amazing experience for her to have. And who knows, maybe this is something she will latch onto and become passionate about. And maybe, she'll get a few months into it and decide it's not really the thing for her. Either way, what an incredible thing for her to be doing.

Of course, I can't take full credit for this. My favorite speaker at the conference this weekend said "Find them mentors! You can't do it all!" And he's right. I can't do it all. It would be foolish of me to think that I could! So here I am, on a quest to find a mentor for my 5 year old! And I couldn't be happier doing it! =)

Oh dear ...

It's been a rough night here. Dh and I took a trip down my memory lane and talked about some pretty unpleasant things tonight. It wasn't easy. Not that I didn't reveal information he didn't already know, but yet, the conversation was different. We discussed event a before and event b before .... etc, etc, but tonight I put them all together for him in words (and well, tears). It wasn't easy for me to do. He said it wasn't easy for him to listen. The good news through this very rough evening is that dh has a new understanding, a glimpse into the why's of how I operate and how I feel. I think he gets in a way he's never gotten it before. And luckily for me, he's translated that into an even stronger committment to be there for me. And I dearly love him and dearly appreciate that. Becuase sometimes I think most people would be scared and want to run as far away from me as possible.
It's not easy to take these trips back in time with him, with anyone, with just myself even. But I know in the long run, this is worth it. I feel that I have to get through this to be the person that I want to be.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

Something's happening ....

I'm changing. I can feel it. I can sense it. Something is going on around here. There is a part of me that's maybe been hiding for a long time now and that part is getting the courage to come back out. Recently, it has been testing the waters ... poking out here, giving an opinion here, sneaking out of me before I can realize what is going on. As I'm calculating the perfect thing to say to people, thinking about the perfect way to speak and the perfect tone of voice to use, worrying about every little minute detail that I can control (and a whole lot I can't control) to mimic perfection and portray this inaccurate image of my life ... this part of me says "Stop worrying! Don't say that .. tell them how you really feel .... talk about what is really on your mind .... who cares if one hair is out of place ... relax a little ...."
It catches me by surprise. This part of me, she's been hiding for quite sometime. Her hiding used to serve a purpose. It protected me from a lot of pain and suffering for quite some time. But then it started to feel comfortable to keep her hiding, to lock her up in a closet and only feed her the bare minimum of bread and water to keep her alive. And there she stayed. Hiding, locked away, but slowly, slowly, starting to fade. And it scared me when that happened. What if she just disappeared one day? What if I couldn't bring her back? I was starting to forget her, to not know her anymore, to try to burry her deeper and deeper, even though it no longer served a purpose. That was just the way I had lived so long and it just the mere thought of change made me push her down ever more.
But then I got scared. I feared her being gone forever. I pictured me at 60 years old, she was missing, the kids were gone and grown, and I had no clue who I was or what I was supposed to do, lost in this world becuase she was gone. That's not what I want! I don't want to become that. That scares me ... and fortunately it scares me more than the thought of changing to let her back out. And so slowly, slowly, I am trying to let her come out more. To let her bask in the sunshine, to feel the raindrops hitting her, to smell the scent of spring sprouting, to enjoy the laughter of children. It's still scary to do that. It's still forced and not natural. It's still frightening. And part of me wants to push her back down, slam the closet door and lock it from the outside so she can't open it again.
But part of me is enjoying this. Part of me is growing and changing. Part of me wants to throw a party celebrating her release, to shout out everywhere "She's here! She's here!" And that, my friends is the good news. It means I haven't forgotten who I really am deep down inside. It means I haven't yet turned into a statue ... a person who can look the part, sound the part, be the part, but yet, not feel anything by numb inside. And that means there is hope. And slowly, slowly, she will come out more and more, little by little. And someday, and hopefully not too far down the road, someday, I will feel comfortable being me. I will enjoy living my life. And I will feel good inside my own skin. I'm getting there ... slowly, but surely ... I am getting there.

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Her you go ....

Since a couple of you asked about the speaker I spoke of yesterday, his name is David Albert.
That is his website.
He has 2 books published so far ...
Homeschooling and the Voyage of Self-Discovery: A Journey of Original Seeking and And the Skylark Sings with Me: Adventures in Homeschooling and Community-Based Education (you'll see them both on the website).
However, neither of these books are about 6 and 7's per se. They are about homeschooling. The Skylark book is really about his experience with homeschooling his eldest daughter (well I believe it's his eldest daughter). The other is about homeschooling in general. However, he has a wealth of information and some other great books he is selling at his website. I bought both his books today and he autographed them for me (yeah!!). I also bought another book he recommended and I hope that I will enjoy it greatly!
I sat in on another seminar he did today. Again, I think about 20 lightbulbs turned on over my head! I don't know why, but I felt like he was talking to me about my children today! That's good ... it means his seminar was time well spent for me! =)
His next book should be out this fall ... again a general homeschooling book, and I'm anxious for it to come out so I can get my hands on it!

Back to the conference, today was an amazing day! Filled my mind with facts, and stories, and things, and so many good feelings and wonderful moments! We talked to 2 familes ... one of which lives very near me and we will possibly get together in the future, another who lives about an hour away, and we will probably correspond through e-mail with our 5's being penpals possibly ... which will be so great for her =)
It was such a wonderful day. I feel like I'm on a high from it! It just really brought me to a better spot. I knew I wanted to homeschool before, but not I feel like it all makes a little bit more sense, and my drive and determination to do it for them has become stronger just in this 2 day span! It's incredible how that can happen. Just amazing really!

Friday, March 11, 2005

Incredible day ...

Today I had an incredible day!
Until about 7:00 I thought it was awful! LOL!! But now I can see that it was truely an amazing day for me.
Today was the first day of our two day conference. About 2 months ago, I picked what little seminars I was going to do. I was excited to go. Got up today. Got the kids ready. Had the diaper bag packed the night before. Had my bag to carry around packed the night before. With great excitment we drove all of 5 minutes to get the convention that was for half my state (aren't I lucky to live so close!).
We checked in, went to our volunteer orientation and had a few minutes to relax. I reminded the kids again how our day would go. They would go to the play room while mommy went to a "class." Then we would have lunch together, after which I would bring them back to the play room and leave them again while I go to another class, and then I would come back to the play room and be with them for an hour and half (my volunteer time to help out) and then daddy would come take them home on his way home from work.
I will say honestly, I expected my 2 year old to throw a fit and not stay in the playroom as seperation anxiety is a huge issue with her. I was prepared for her to sit in on the seminars I was going to (which was allowed as she wasn't distracting) and that would be that.
But I took them both, signed them both in and then kissed them good-bye. She looked at me nervously and asked (in her own way) if I was going to stay. I told her I wasn't going to stay and braced myself for tears. No tears came, but she asked me to stay again, and I told her I had to go to class and she was going to stay with her big sister and play. With a little fear in her eye, she said good-bye and went by her sister.
Just like that.
I almost fell over from shock, but instead boogied out of there before she could change her mind! LOL!
Went to my first session. It was about getting started. I thought we would discuss state laws, resources we could use, etc, etc. It didn't. I was disappointed. I'm not sure if I misunderstood the class description or if it was misrepresented becuase I haven't checked the packet yet. But I was disappointed. I can honestly say, I got nothing from the session. Not one thing. Not true ... I did get that the presenter was an unschooler and (appeared) to look down upon those that didn't. I could have misread her. I don't think I did, but I could have ...
Session ended and I kind of shook it off ... I had 2 more sessions to attend today and several tomorrow. No biggie if one was a flop. I went and checked out the kids. First we stopped in a "mini-session" about a science curriculum that sounded really great. Then had a dandy lunch together.
We had about 15 to minutes to just hang out before the next session started. They both had fun in the playroom and told me what they did. And it was time to take them back. Again, my 2 asked me to please stay with her. I told her I couldn't, but I would be back, and with a bit of fear in her eyes, she let me go. Again, no tears, no clinging. Again, a shocked mom, but one who jetted out before the mind could change!
I walked into my next session, which was about helping your child have a lifelong love of reading and all that jazz. Reading is near and dear to me, and I want that for my children too.
Again, big flop. They did not say one thing in there that I hadn't learned before. Basically what they said reminded me of one of the class lectures from my reading methods courses in college.
I couldn't believe it! I would have settled for just one new idea. One new fact. One new ... anything!
So I went to the play room and played. That was pretty fun. One little girl took to me. My oldest was having a blast in the room doing her onw thing. I think she talked to me once while I was in there! Which is fine ... I was glad to see her having fun and talking with other kids! Even my 2 blew me away! She hung out with me part of the time, but part of the time she was off doing her own thing ... even though I was in the room. She didn't demand for me to hold her, or put her on my lap, or give her all my attention! I was very blown away and wonder if I haven't been giving her enough credit in this department until now, or if it's just something she has learned to cope with? Who knows, but I'm so happy to see it!
Then we went to the vendors. I bought 2 things for a grand total of 17.50! And then dh picked up the kids to take them home. I almost went home with them ... afterall, so far the day had been a bust and I really felt like it was a wasted day, other than discovering my 2 year old could handle herself in a new environment without me ....
Instead I went and bought some more items. I found stuff on logic for my 5 year old! I have been having a hard time finding things that could start a foundation of logic skills at her age. I think logic is one of the best gifts I can give my kids and don't want to throw it all at them when they hit high school. So when I saw it tonight, I grabbed it!
And then, I went to the next session. It was "Sixes and Sevens." My oldest is 5.5 and I thought 6 will be soon enough so it should be good. Well, let me tell you .... this session was amazing!! Almost all that we talked about applied to my dd. The changes he described, the things we discussed ... it was her to a tee! And other parents shared and it was their kids too! And suddenly I thought "wow! Other mothers go through this too!" It was great. The guy presenting made a lot of sense. Things he said made my brain go "Oh! So that is what is going on!" What he said made sense ... he talked about the needs at this age ... what happens at this age ... and a few ways to help it ... but it was more informational than how to since every kid is different.
I sat there and just sucked up all that he said! I even approached him afterwards to continue the discussion with him (and well, I had a few situations I wanted to present to him for ideas how to handle). He was very personable, and everything he said made sooooo much sense! He has 2 books out right now that I am going to buy!

Interestingly enough, when I was talking to him, he said based on my description, it sounds like my 5 has a lot of similarities as gifted children. I found it very interesting - not so I can say "Haha my kid is smarter than your kid" but interesting in "Hmmm. Should I be approaching her education differently? Does this mean her brain works differently than me and that is why we sometimes have a hard time understanding each other? Or is that just becuase of our different personalities? What does this mean in terms of how we will homeschool her?" Honestly, I don't think she's "gifted" in that she has an above average IQ ... but I have felt that she just thinks about the world differently. I thought all kids looked at the world differently than other adults, but maybe she sees the world differently even than most kids. It will be interesting ... I think my 2 sees things differently too ... mostly becuase of her sensory issues and becuase the way she learns things and processes new information just looks and sounds different than most kids her age. But I never really thought about my oldest that much. And of course, my youngest is delayed (not so much anymore), but at one point we discussed her having autism ... so I tend to watch her like a hawk. And my oldest pretty much breezes through everything and so I don't watch her like a hawk.
I think I realized that I can't pass her over becuase she doesn't tend to struggle with learning.
The session just really opened my eyes to pay attention to her more ... to really get nitty gritty with her and try to figure out how to help her grow and learn the best. Which I think I've neglected doing so far. This one session made the entire day worth it. Because I just had so many Aha! moments. Wonderful! I'm so excited right now ... I feel like I'm on fire and my passion is renewed and that I'm just ready to plug in more to both my kids. It's amazing! I expected to learn a few facts today, get a few ideas, have a good time, and here I sit ... ready to go! The fire going again. And I still have one day left! LOL!

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Insecure person requesting ...

I need comments! I know there are a couple people who stop by here periodically ... (yes, yes, I'm so obsessive that I check the hit meter statistics and even check how people get here) ... you gotta start to say hi! LOL!!
I'm too insecure ... I go a while without comments and start to think that I must have such bad BO it's coming through the blog! LOL!!
Okay .. that's all I had to say LOL!

Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Yet another ...

one of those days.
Those days you hope to never replicate again. Those days where you hope no one is secretly taping you or else they will discover that you are not nearly as perfect or collected as you try to pretend in public. It's one of those days where you hope you haven't scarred the children too much or haven't caused enough damage to permanently screw up their development from this point forward. Could it have been worse? Oh yes .... basically I just lost my cool, had a short fuse, was talking very sharply to my children and probably siad something not so nice to them (but not so terrible either). It was one of those days where I couldn't wait for my husband to come home because I couldn't wait to retreat to our bedroom and just be alone.
And when he called today at about 5:30 to say he would be very late -- right after we had spent an hour combing the house for a missing library book (one that I distinctly remember putting away but someone else must have pulled it out) and being sort of mean to the kids about how they lost it, right after my 5 year old discovered she was missing her newly lost tooth and was crying becuase now the tooth fairy wouldn't come and telling me I was right when I told her not to touch it today, but she touched it anyway becuase she didn't believe me and now the toothfairy wouldn't come, and I was feeling guilty because instead of telling her that it was okay and we all made mistakes I just said, well hopefully you'll find it before bedtime in a somewhat snotty voice -- I wanted to just scream, very loud, while stomping my feet and telling everyone to LEAVE ME ALONE ... but instead I just cried.
Then I made dinner. Then we found the missing tooth. And when my dh came home, I didn't retreat to my bedroom as I planned. I cleaned! Then I went and hugged my children tightly and gave them kisses as I silently promised to be a better mommy to them tomorrow.
Then I was civil to my dh ... honestly, I feel like there is a storm a'brewing between the two of us ... but I'll save that for another day .... and for the moment remember that tomorrow is another day to start again.

Tooth Update ....

My dd anxiously awaited bedtime, so she could get something from the toothfairy tonight. Then right at bedtime she kind of freaked out! She didn't want the toothfairy to come into her room! So, her tooth is in a special tooth holder (we got it at my baby shower with her) sitting in my room on my dresser!
Dh and I just laughed and joked that apparently our 5 year old was trying to make our life a bit easier tonight ;-)

BIG news ....

We have big news today. Get ready people ..... move to the edge of your seat ... it's tremendous, exciting, wonderful news ....

My 5 year old just lost her first tooth! She is extremely excited about it all and wants to tell the whole world! LOL

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Blah ..

I'm feeling very blah-ish these days. I know everyone has those sorts of days, but I just feel like I have soooo many of them and I would like to see them stop.
Life is ... well, it's life. Nothing too new and exciting to report. Just the same old really. My oldest is acting funky ... I predict a fever at any moment honestly. My youngest has changed right before my eyes. It's hard to explain - her mannerisms, her sayings, it's like it all morphed and I just picked up on it. She is having full conversations with people these days. I'm used to a sentence here, a sentence there, now she can put them together. Today her OT was here and told M she had a new toy. Their conversation:
M - Oh. How much was it.
OT - About 8 dollars. What do you think? Was that a fair price?
M - No.
OT - Oh. What should it have been.
M - (thinking) 2.
OT and I laugh ...
M - Where you get it?
OT - At a store .. I think it's called the learning store.
M - (very excitedly) OH!
OT - Do you know that store?
M - (still excitedly) Yes! I like that store!

Of course, we've never been to that store and we've never heard of that store before. I was just laughing! It was a riot! It really sounded like she knew what she was talking about it! Too funny ... she's just picking up on all these little things, like how to have a full conversation about one topic, and it's amazing to watch!

Other than that, today I had to vaccuum one million times. We have ants in our house. It sucks. And what really sucks about it is that our table is over carpet. So I can't conveniently pull out the broom and sweep up crumbs. I have to get out the vaccuum, have the kids clear their toys, then vaccuum the carpet and then use the hose attatchment to get under the table legs becuase it's a billion pounds and doesn't move without some serious brute force. Of course, there is linoleum in the kitchen, so after that I have to sweep. Ugh. Not that I don't want a clean house, but seriously, I do believe it would be okay to go every other day on this process. But one little crumb gets left out and the ants come. So now I have to pretend I'm anal about having a clean house, when in reality I most certainly am not that anal about it. Not that my house is dirty and gross, but it's not normally spotless that much of the day! LOL!

Anyway, all these little ramblings ... really, it just means that nothing big or exciting happened today, so I have to talk about ants in my house instead.

Sharing more links ....

Got these from a friend and wanted to share ...
Hope you read them.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Sharing a link ...

This is something I've been thinking/talking about lately. I feel compelled to do something ... I just don't know what yet .... for now I'll start with sharing this link ...

Sunday, March 06, 2005

I survived!

Yeah! I survived my first knitting class. It was a full house! 6 people were there ... and there was one no show. It was not as hard as I thought it would be, but yet it was hard. The class is for 2 hours, and we met 2 times. I'm telling you ... I definitely do not think it's enough time. We barely made it through the basics today and the people felt rushed and like there wasn't enough time. I feel badly. But if anyone has tried to knit before ... did you learn to cast on, knit, and purl in less than 2 hours? Hmmm ... I know I sure didn't! I just hope that everyone did understand what we did and didn't get home and say "what did I learn today?"

Anyway, outside of that, it was a good weekend. My dh is feeling under the weather right now and I fell bad for him :-( He still has so many things to do by the end of April ... I just don't know how we'll do it all by then since there are so many things that I can't help him with. But if anyone can do it, he can.

Kids are good. Life is good. I don't know ... i feel like I have nothing to say! LOL! So with that, I'll stop talking ;-)

Friday, March 04, 2005

Nervous ...

Tommorrow is my first knitting day. It will be easy though - I don't have to teach my first class until Sunday. However, from noon to 5 I have to sit at the store, at a table, and generate as much interest as possible! LOL!! We'll see what happens. I hope it goes smoothly, that it's fun, that I'm awake (and not starving!) and that I do get some people interested in signing up for a class or two tomorrow!
Then on Sunday, I have my first class! There are a whole 2 people in it! Maybe there will be more if anyone tomorrow decides to sign up for it ;-) Of course, I'm not holding my breath for that one! LOL!

Tonight went well. It was good. We'll have to do it again (at least I hope we do it again soon). My 5 year old did some puzzles with her grandparents. She really enjoyed her time with them. I hope we can do it again soon.

Anyway, I'm ready for warmer weather. I tired of the cold. I'm becoming more and more moved by the news, or shall I say lack of news, these days. How many times today did I have to hear about Martha playing with her dogs, or visiting with her horses, or giving reporters hot chocolate? Too many times. Seriously, this can not be the biggest news in America right now, can it? Why are we so obsessed with her? Yeah, I get she's interesting. She went to prison and earned millions there. But, Martha is not the only thing going on in the world right now, and frankly, I'm sick of hearing about her!

Oh well .... other than that, today was a good day. I managed to clean the house, and did even more than I planned on doing! LOL! My 5 had a friend over so they played and had fun. I finished watching a movie I didn't like by playing the DVD on 2x speed. The actors did sound like munchkins, but I wasn't impressed with the movie, but yet, wanted to see the end of it. Which, ended up being extremely disappointing. Oh well! And I'm half-way through the poncho I had hoped to finish by noon tomorrow. Blah. I was hoping to be farther along. But, oh well! I suppose if I hadn't been half-way through before I realized I made a huge error and had to rip out everything but the first 3 rows, I would be finished by now! But what's done is done! LOL!

Anyway, this week was overall okay. I'm thinking next week will be even better though, which is good!

Thursday, March 03, 2005

A new beginning?

Well, I guess this is what I get for venting yesterday! This week my dh invited his parents (who live 5 minutes away) over for dinner. Honestly, neither of us assumed they would come ... as I mentioned yesterday, they are always busy.
Lo and behold, they called tonight. And are coming! We are both shocked! But, happy! It will be good. Hmmm ... maybe this will be a new beginning. Maybe things will change a bit and they will become a bigger part in the kids' lives? I surely hope so. I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. I bet the kids will be thrilled when we tell them ...
Of course this means that I really have to clean up tomorrow! I was saving all the housework for tomorrow, since it's hte only day we don't have to run anywhere or do anything .... and now I can't get out of it if I try LOL! No, it's not really that bad here, I just hate cleaning in general and generally prefer to put it off as long as absolutely possible. REally, it's because the kids make messes (that is what kids do) and it never stays long enough to look like I've even cleaned! LOL!! But tomorrow we will try and hopefully the evening will go nice and smoothly adn everyone will enjoy themselves.
Wish me luck! LOL!

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Kind of bummed ...

Today my dad came to visit me. This is the first time he has been here since I moved here. I moved here in August.
My parents don't live a plane ride away. They live a 45 minute drive away. Maybe 60-90 minutes if traffic is terrible. But it's 45 minutes away. It has taken half a year for my dad to drive out here to where I live.
My mom couldn't come with because she was too busy with work. So she said. While my dad was here, he called her on the nextel phones. He asked her what she was doing. She was visiting her sister. Her sister that is about, oh 30-45 minutes away from her house.
So she couldn't come here because she was busy, but she could go see her sister. I'm pretty sure she visits with her sis on a regular basis. And I think it's great becuase they need each other, especially after losing both parents last fall. But seriously, couldn't she have missed one visit with her to come see me? To come and see her grandchildren? I'm kind of pissed off. And I'm kind of hurt. Seriously, we drive over by them lots of times. She calls us and tells us how much she misses us all, and how much she misses her grandkids, blah, blah, blah. And yet, she didn't come today. She might come next week. Maybe on Tuesday, if it fits into her schedule.
Well, I would think if we were that important, it she would make it fit. I hate to complain. But she has been there for her sisters, for her brothers, for everyone else. Maybe it's easy for her to just push us to the side becuase we will always be there. I hate to say it, but if she can't make an effort to come here, I will be less likely to want to make the trip down to her, if that makes sense at all.

I'm just bummed all around. I wanted my kids to grow up loving all their grandparents and being close to them and having all sorts of memories. And I feel like they don't get that. One set lives half-way across the country! I wish they lived closer. We fly there when we can, they fly here when they can, and there are lots of phone calls/letters in between. We are both trying to make sure that they can still have a close relationship with the kids. My parents were very close, when we lived 15 minutes from them. But apparently, once we crossed the 20 minute mark, it was too hard to come see us @@ And the other set, now lives 5 minutes from us. When we lived far apart, they told us it was too hard to see us becuase we lived 45 minutes away. And yet, since we moved 5 minutes (and even less if I hit a green light!) they have been here maybe 5 times? I think that's a stretch. And one of those times was the family Christmas party WE hosted. We try to invite them places. My 5 year old even kept asking them to come play with her. And yet, they are busy. They have work. They aren't EVER available. And to top it all off, the grandma repeatedly blames ME! She says I keep the kids from her! That I'm pushing them out of our children's lives! I don't get it. I am not doing that! We try to get them to come visit. My dh has been to there house lots of times since we moved close. Heck, we would drive up here when we lived far away to see them! I even once told the grandma, if she ever wanted to have lunch to call and we would drive her! I was coming up here regularly to visit other relatives. I told her the day of the week I was coming and asked if she ever wanted us (the kids and I) to come visit her to tell us. But that day didn't work. I told her to tell me a day that did work and I would come then, but no days worked for her. In the fall, they invited us to go somewhere with them. We were excited, the kids were excited. And literally 2 days before, they both backed out because of work and told us to use the tickets without them! I can't win. And yet, she still tells me all the time it's my fault she doens't see the grandchildren. And I hear how distraught they are that they don't see them. Well then pick up the damn phone and call them. Get in your car ... hell, you don't even need a car - DRIVE over here and see them. When we invite you over, come! When we invite you out to dinner, come! If you see something you think the kids would enjoy doing, call us and invite us. I'm so tired of hearing it's all my fault. That my mom or the other set of grandparents are so sad and miss seeing their grandkids so much when IMO they aren't making an effort to see them or spend time with them.
Grrrr ..... I'm really pissed off now!!! I think I need to take a break and go breath! LOL