Friday, May 26, 2006

Thinking about ...

changing the name of this blog.
I am not skipping along anywhere these days.
I don't know ... I'm even contemplating deleting this blog all together. I feel an incredibly strong drive to just pull away from well, basically everything. Last time I felt this way, I did delete my blog. Just up and took it off the internet one day. Then I got brave and started this one up again ... but now I think all I do is whine and complain and well just how fun is that? Not very. And I feel very anxious and exposed and I want to run and hide. And the question should be from what exactly?
The whole like 3 people who stumble upon this blog by accident each day?
I don't know ...
things are just not fun over here anymore. They are not going well. And I am definitely not skipping along these days ...

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


So far as a parent, I have been okay with what I have done. I might hem and haw and over think things, but in the end I've always been pretty sure that in the end my kids will be okay. And yes, sometimes I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but usually in the end I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing for my kids and me.
I do not fell that way anymore. I feel deflated, I feel like a failure. I am worried my kids will grow up hating me, that they will be dysfunctional in this world and I will be the one to blame. I'm starting to wonder if they will even survive childhood. Heck, I'm starting to wonder if I will survive the week.
Why now? Why do I feel so completely lost and baffled and confused and like I'm screwing up? I don't know. Could it be that my 5.5 month old still wakes up an average of 4 times a night? That I can't put him down for more than 5 minutes during the day without him crying? Or maybe it's because my 3 year old cries at the drop of a hat? Is still too rough with her baby brother - and often when "playing" with him makes him cry and upset? That my 6 year old can't sit still for 2 seconds? That she asks the same freaking question 3,482,971,582,563,937 times before I snap? (Is it snack time yet? Can I have a snack now? What will we have for snack? Is it time to eat a snack now? Is it snack time? Now is it snack time? Can we eat a snack now?) No. And if you ask me one more time I swear you will never be allowed to eat a snack again for as long as you shall live! Okay, so I don't say that to her, but I want to. Is this normal 6, 3, and 5 month old behavior? I don't know anymore.
My neighbor commented today that it's time to "take the boobie away" from my baby. Then told me to just let him cry. Neither of which I'm prepared to do, and neither of which do I think will have him sleep through the night if I were to do it anyway. He takes after his oldest sister ... she didn't start to sleep through the night until 18 months - despite having weaned at 12 months and we did attempt to try the CIO method before I knew better. Neither of which affected her ability to sleep through the night.
I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Like I'm just struggling to survive the day. I do this: I'm tired. I'm very tired. I'm physically tired and I'm mentally tired. I'm tired. That's the long and short answer as to what is going on lately. I'm just tired. Tired of so many things. I could sit here probably for a long time and list all the things I'm tired of.
I don't want to be tired anymore. I want to be a confident mother. A confident wife. A confident woman. I want to have a smile at the end of the day that isnt' forced. I want to yell at my children a little less and teach them lots of things each and every day. I want to be happy and vibrant and full of energy. I want to do all these things so badly. But I don't even know where to begin or what to do or how to do it.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

The bump ....

Last Saturday I felt a little bump. Just short of an inch below where my bra band would run almost centered, but off to the left. It was tiny - very small. I could only feel it by pressing.
I made dh feel it to make sure I wasn't imagining it. He did feel it and told me to keep an eye on it. Wait a week and see what happened.
Thursday night I noticed it was bigger. It actually felt like a misquito bite - my skin was raised, but yet, I could tell it was under the skin just like I had originally felt it.
I admit it made me very nervous. I didn't like that something was there. I didn't like that it was bigger. I didn't like it's location. I was very upset about it all. Okay, I was a nervous wreck. I was thinking all sorts of not good thoughts.
Friday I went to visit my doctor. I fought bought tears when they asked why I was there (becuase I am a cryer. I cry a lot) and explained. And so I laid down and pressed the spot where it was.
Except, then it wasn't there anymore! And so I felt around and around and around. She probably thought I was a tad crazy. I was also there becuase lately I have been feeling very naseous so she started to ask me about that when I found that little bump again.
So she felt it and I braced myself .... what would she say? Thankfully, she said it was a cyst. She doens't even think we need to do anything unless it does get bigger ... which it really didn't the night before. The little (and it is truly tiny) thing moves around with my position - hence it can be hard to find or easy to find depending on apparently how everything else inside me is squishing it around.
So that was out of the way, I felt relieved and she went back to asking me about feeling naseous.
And then she said it "Well, I assume you've already taken a pregnancy test and know it's not morning sickness."
Uh. Huh? What? No, never even thought of that as an option. I said well no, I didn't. But I mean, I don't think I am. Of course she asked if I was sure. Well, no, when put on the spot like that, no, I'm not sure. But I mean I'm pretty sure ... my dh had a vesectemy (although we haven't had two clear samples yet), I'm nursing, still no period, and well we usually use other protection forms. She said, well, okay ...
then it's acid, told me to take over the counter zantac, and then tossed in there that if things don't improve in a week, then I should probably take a pregnancy test just in case.
Umm, okay.
Now, I'm not worrying about a bump near my breast but I'm wondering if the bump in my abdomin will grow. And I'm thinking about it. And I'm thinking about it. And I feel even more naseous Saturday and then today I couldn't take more than a few bites of anything.
My dh went out to buy my zantac, and brought home zantac and two pregnancy tests. I immediately took one of them (come on, admit it, you would have too!) and I looked. One line. Oh thank you!!! Not pregnant .... dh looked very relieved as well.
So for now, I have no bumps, or lumps, or anything like that to worry about. ::phew::

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Misc. Updates ...

Well, things are going so-so over here.
There are a lot of things going on. Dh and I are having a disagreement on what is kind of a major issue. Right now he is winning for a variety of reasons. I'd rather not go into detail just quite yet, but, well, I'm afraid of where this disagreement may take us by the end of summer.
We are in the midst of having a huge garage sale - well it would have been huge had it not decided to rain off and on today. Oh well. We'll end up with a few bucks when it's all said and done on Saturday.
As far as my sister goes, well, we won't be talking about that here anymore. Everytime I think things will change and start to improve for her, well, something happens (and mostly things out of her control) and I can't take this roller coaster ride. I suppose it's mean and it's the coward's way out, but I'm leaving this ride. Mostly because according to my mom not too long ago, her relationship with me is an issue @@ (she claims my sis's therapist told her that, but I don't believe her and actually told her to tell that doctor to call me and I'd GLADLY talk to him about our relationship. Yeah, phone still hasn't rang - surprise surprise). Well, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't have my sister stay with us. We don't even have our own home @@ (which don't get me going on that issue) so what can I do? I refuse to ride this ride anymore. My mom wants to blame me? Fine. Let her blame me if it will make her feel better. In the meantime I will continue to be there for my sister doing what I can when I can. But aside from that. I'm off the ride. I do not agree with what my mom has decided to do. I do not think the health care professionals in my sisters life are advising her to do these things either. And so I'm done listening to it. I can't anymore. I'm not strong enough to bare her burdens and my own. Call me weak. Maybe I'm a bad sister. Maybe I'm a bad daughter. But my family and me has to come first and I can't be in this battle anymore.
I think that about sums it up for now.
I know, things don't sound good in this post, but I'm feeling extremely stressed right now. And I don't do stress. Once I'm able to calm down and step back, things will be good again, but at this moment, I'm struggling to keep emotions under control . I will survive. I know I can. And when I feel this way again I will handle it a bit better and a bit better and someday I might actually feel like a normal person who is capable of dealing with life ;-)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Happy Birthday

to me!! =)
Yep, it's my birthday! And I LOVE birthdays =)
So I love today!! And we had a great day. Just did our normal Tuesday routine for most of the day. Then around dinner time, we made a cake - yum! =) Then we ate dinner, opened presents and ate our yummy cake.
So here's the loot LOL!!:
Actually, Saturday going to Wicked was my present from my momma.
My mil and her dh sent me a nice big strawberry bag (which will probably be the perfect size for an in progress knitting blanket!), a zipper sweater, and a gorgeous antiqued-silver oval picture frame. It is simply calling out for a black and white photo of the kids!
My dh and girls gave me a lamp to put by my sewing machine, which I have been needing and it's all set up adn now I can see when I am sitting at my sewing table! Yeah!!!
But we hung out and loved each other all day, and that was awesome. Especially given that my dh was not supposed ot be home tonight (which I admit bummed me out). But then today he called and let me know that he was going to be home afterall! WOO HOO!!! That was probably the best present of all. Becuase I love your birthday and I love to spend it with my family most of all. So it was a perfect, wonderful day! I'm so excited and so glad to see another birthday come and a bit sad to see it go! LOL!
Hope everyone else had a great day as well!

Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy Mothers Day!

Today was a grand old day for me and my family. We all had a blast ... me especially! LOL!
It actually started out at midnight last night ... about the time I arrived home (went downtown last night to see Wicked! It was absolutely wonderful and marvelous and great. My momma took me for my birthday - which happens to be Tuesday. Dinner, the theater, we went down in a limo - fabulous) So get home from being away from babyboy since 2 am. Let's just say I grew like 2 cup sizes while we were out LOL!! And I needed to pump ;-) So, I'm pumping and about 10 minutes alter babyboy wakes up and wants to eat. So I'm feeding him and dh and I are talking about things. And then we hear screams and crying. So he goes up. g3 woke up and threw up all over the place. So I get babyboy fed and normally he would fall back asleep, but not last night - he was wide awake. So I get him in my room with g6. And I go comfort g3 while dh is cleaning up the mess. Poor thing was so upset by it all.
So dh took them to a birthday party yesterday and apparently they ate whatever they wanted to eat @@ No wonder the kid threw up all over the place.
So get her to bed, get 6g to bed, then get babyboy to bed (finally LOL!).
This am started off pretty well. I recieved breakfast in bed. Love it! I had waffles, eggs, apple and chocolate milk =) My family rocks! LOL! So after a few minutes we moved to the safety of the kitchen table without one spill in the bedroom.
That's when I got my present - a mop! LOL! Which fits in with another story I may tell another time ... needless to say it made me smile.
And then I got another present ... the Magic Bullet. Now if you haven't seen this infomercial yet, well you are missing somethng LOL! We first saw it maybe 2 years ago and my oldest immediately fell in love. She HAD to have it. She's been wanting us to buy it for a long time now. So, that's what they got me for Mother's day! Tonight we made chocolate mouse in it! yummmmmmmmy!!! Oh. So good. Amazingly good. And way to easy to make - I'll have to do it more often. Tomorrow we will probably make either a shake or a smoothie. Double yum! =) Then we have had a lot of fun just hanging out and cuddling and loving each other. Babyboy has been an absolute doll today. The girls have had fun hanging out!! We just love it!! =) We've have a grand day!
So happy mother's day to all my fellow mothers out there =)

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I need ...

to learn to relax. I need to do it. Not today but yesterday. I try so hard to relax ... but I suppose that's the problem - trying so hard. How can you relax when you are worrying you arne't relaxing correctly?! See, I can't even relax about trying to relax. It's awful. It's terrible. I'm going to kill myself from stress if I don't learn to do it soon though.
And I really don't want that to happen.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Plugging along ...

Still here. Still plugging along.
Some things are still down. Some things are up again. I am trying very hard to keep my sanity and some days are easier than others.
I think I will have to learn to a) lighten up b) go with the flow and c) and to simply plan for a worst case scenario pretty much this entire summer so my expectations will never be let down.
Yes. That is my plan for the summer. Becuase I'm still not quite sure I will survive it. But I think, I think if I try really hard to not explode I will succeed. Or at least I won't explode in front of anyone and I hopefully won't bitch out anyone. And if I can at least do that, then I think it will be safe to call this summer a success.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Bumps in the road ...

No, not even bumps. Big, deep, wide potholes in the road today.
First my babyboy just started screaming. Crying, screaming, upset, didn't want to be held, didn't want to be put down, didn't want to eat, didn't want to rock, had on a clean diaper. Just screaming and red faced :-( Checked him over for a hair wrapped somewhere or clothes pinching, and nothing. So I gave him tylenol and chalked it up to teething.
Then my 3 year old (I think I'll call her 3g from now on - get it 3 year old girl?) fell off of her bike.
Cried, calmed, sent off to play. Not too long after, my 6g accidentally smacked 3g in the head with a bat. Not just a fake, not really playing, bat, but a metal bat, as she was practicing trying to hit a homerun. So, yes, there was a LOT of pain and crying. And a swollen ear :-( Shook her up a bit. Poor thing. Finally get her settled.
Along came the big bombshell. My mom called. Bad news with my youngest sister. She took 13 of her anxiety pills last night. About a month ago she took 9 at one time I think? So, second time for od'ing in a month. They have to take her out of school and put her into some intensive day therapy intensive therapy program. My heart is breaking for her. And yet, half of me wants to ask her "What the hell were you thinking?!?!?!?" I guess the good side of it all is that the doctors don't believe these are suicide attempts (although she has threatened to kill herself in the past). Here's the kicker ... she 13. 13 year olds. She just turned 13 not even a month ago, so she's a young 13. Ugh. I feel sick for her. But I feel sad for her. I want to hug her tightly and protect her. But I also want to grab her and shake her and tell her "You scared me! Dont' you EVER do that again." (Sort of like what a lot of parents do when kids get lost or run into the street). I talked to my mom on the phone for quite some time today. She is upset about all of this too. Ugh. I have a lot more I could say about this, but won't for now. But I guess if you have a moment to spare, please send my sis some good thoughts? And pray that we can figure out what is driving this and finally finally get her some good help.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

These are the days continued ...

Some more memories
The flowers I recieved from my darling daughters today. So sweet - I love them =)

Monday, May 01, 2006

These are the days ...

Despite having issues with other people in my life, my family continues to be my joy and strength and love.
As Knittymama writes about with a baby there are three kinds of days in the rocking chair while disaster strikes around you, getting a ton of things done quickly usually while baby is sleeping or just a combo of the above two.
I feel like I rarely have any super-mommy days anymore. heck, I hardly have a super-mommy day these days. But this weekend I really was tied to the rocking chair while disaster struck all around me (well, yes, the disasters had a lot to do with my rant yesterday and a mini-vent not that long ago). But my babyboy needed me and needed me to rock him and hold him tight. Although I hold him often - he generally wants you to walk while you hold him, so I don't actually have many days in the rocking chair (although days where it seems nothing gets done happen quite often). But this weekend, I had lots of cuddle time partly becuase he demanded it (demanded by crying and fussing and acting positively miserable if we didn't) and I looked at my husband at one point while babyboy was sleeping in my arms, a smile across his face indicating some nice dreams - my 6 and 3 year old was running around outside with a friends and their laughter could be heard in the living room, him sitting on the couch just chatting with me. And I realized this is it. This is that moment that so many people dream about. That perfect moment - all kids are happy and content, dh and I chatting (while also gazing into each other eyes). For those precious moments, life seems just perfect and full of bliss. And I thought it was a picture perfect moment - not becuase it would have looked perfect for that instant, but for that moment all was perfect in our life. And life was good. And that one moment made all the sleepless nights, all the arguments I have to break up between my girl, the little tiffs dh and I get into, all the less than perfect moments - it's okay that we have those, that we go through those bumps, becuase every so often we get these perfect moments. And life is sweet and good. And I just thought I love my family so much - and not just at that moment when it was all perfect, but I was full of love when moments later, dh got up to do work, the laughs from outside turned into a little spat about who's turn it really was for some toy, as babyboy wiggled in my arms becuase someone threw open the door and walked in loudly.
I do. I am in love with my family. I am in love with them so much ... I just couldn't believe how much it hit me right then. Don't get me wrong, I knew I loved them before that, but all of the sudden I just had a deep love and an appreciation for them - the good and the bad, the ups and downs.
Have I lived a perfect life? Nope. Far from it. Has life always been cheery and rosey? Nope. It hasn't. Would I trade it for something that was "better"? Nope. Not in a million years. This family is stuck with me forever!

On a side note, today I discovered why I was plastered to the rocking chair with babyboy most of the weekend - his first tooth came in today. And as if one big thing wasn't enough today, he also apparently learned to sit up by himself while I was holding him all weekend too!
These are the days =) And I couldn't be happier.