Wednesday, May 24, 2006


So far as a parent, I have been okay with what I have done. I might hem and haw and over think things, but in the end I've always been pretty sure that in the end my kids will be okay. And yes, sometimes I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but usually in the end I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing for my kids and me.
I do not fell that way anymore. I feel deflated, I feel like a failure. I am worried my kids will grow up hating me, that they will be dysfunctional in this world and I will be the one to blame. I'm starting to wonder if they will even survive childhood. Heck, I'm starting to wonder if I will survive the week.
Why now? Why do I feel so completely lost and baffled and confused and like I'm screwing up? I don't know. Could it be that my 5.5 month old still wakes up an average of 4 times a night? That I can't put him down for more than 5 minutes during the day without him crying? Or maybe it's because my 3 year old cries at the drop of a hat? Is still too rough with her baby brother - and often when "playing" with him makes him cry and upset? That my 6 year old can't sit still for 2 seconds? That she asks the same freaking question 3,482,971,582,563,937 times before I snap? (Is it snack time yet? Can I have a snack now? What will we have for snack? Is it time to eat a snack now? Is it snack time? Now is it snack time? Can we eat a snack now?) No. And if you ask me one more time I swear you will never be allowed to eat a snack again for as long as you shall live! Okay, so I don't say that to her, but I want to. Is this normal 6, 3, and 5 month old behavior? I don't know anymore.
My neighbor commented today that it's time to "take the boobie away" from my baby. Then told me to just let him cry. Neither of which I'm prepared to do, and neither of which do I think will have him sleep through the night if I were to do it anyway. He takes after his oldest sister ... she didn't start to sleep through the night until 18 months - despite having weaned at 12 months and we did attempt to try the CIO method before I knew better. Neither of which affected her ability to sleep through the night.
I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Like I'm just struggling to survive the day. I do this: I'm tired. I'm very tired. I'm physically tired and I'm mentally tired. I'm tired. That's the long and short answer as to what is going on lately. I'm just tired. Tired of so many things. I could sit here probably for a long time and list all the things I'm tired of.
I don't want to be tired anymore. I want to be a confident mother. A confident wife. A confident woman. I want to have a smile at the end of the day that isnt' forced. I want to yell at my children a little less and teach them lots of things each and every day. I want to be happy and vibrant and full of energy. I want to do all these things so badly. But I don't even know where to begin or what to do or how to do it.

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