Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Sleep ...

It should come so easy, but it does not. Once again I was tossing and turning late into the night last night. I finally fell asleep a little after 4 am. That was after laying down, tossing and turning, getting back up, laying down tossing and turning, waking up my husband who had to try his "cure" for not being able to fall asleep (and yes, his cure $ex), more tossing and turning, and finally falling asleep.
Not being able to go to sleep is really and truly starting to piss me off beyond belief. It is so frustrating to be tired and yet not being able to sleep. Really, what is up with that? I don't know.
Before he fell asleep last night he begged me to go to see a sleep doctor. I'm pretty sure a sleep doctor isn't what I need, but who knows, maybe it is? Next week I should be getting a "natural" sleep aid that I am praying and hoping will work and help me out tremendously ...

Until then I am just one very tired momma who is awake FAR too much.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Ramblings of an insomniac ...

My insomnia has come back with full force. It has brought me to tears. Also, my tooth infection is starting to flare up again. If this post sounds a bit like a tired, irritated, crazy woman is writing it, well, it's because that's just about how I'm feeling right now!

A bit ago I mentioned some problems my dd is having with the neighbor girls. Unfortunately, it seems that for the moment, she will need to distance herself from these girls. She has cried twice now because they tease her (most recently about her spelling). One of the girls, who was playing quite well with my dd before, now comes over to play and lets my daughter know the other girls talk about her behind her back (and no, I have no idea if it is true or neighbor-girl is lying to my daughter or what). I do know that my daughter has a broken heart and isn't sure what to do about it all. She wants to tell the girls how they are hurting her feelings. Honestly, I encouraged her to NOT do that. IMO, that will simply give them more fuel to tease her with. I told her that with a best friend or a good friend, you could do that, but I didn't think these girls were close enough to really listen to her heart. I feel bad, like I shouldn't have discouraged her, but honestly, I don't want them to tease her anymore either! And I don't think her explaining to them about how hurt she is will make it stop.

So, anyway, yesterday she couldn't sleep because she was upset about all of this. I felt bad. So, last night, as I layed in bed tossing and turning, I prayed that God would somehow help us out with this (which I understand might be a weird thing to pray for for some people, but my daughter's heart is hurting and I want to find a way to fix it so yes, I prayed about it!). I also prayed that somehow we could find other people to play with. The girls here are a bit older than her and they all go to the same school, church, extra-curriculars, and frankly, I just think my dd will always be the oddball out because of that (and also because they picked on another girl prior to us moving in and now she is in the little clique and my dd is the target). Anyway, today, I called an old friend who we have talked to once in, oh, 2ish years? And we weren't really close, but I knew they lived very close to us and we had an open invitation to call. Well, the mother and I ended up chatting for an hour or so! We have a play date set up for next week. And she told me about a homeschooling group that meets 3 blocks from my house. Not only was it awesome that she remembered me, that we had such a great conversation, that we are going to play over there, but we will now have an opportunity to meet 12 other families in our town because of the info she gave me. Seriously, I just had to send some thanks up to the Big Guy because really, I had goosebumps and felt like this one phone call was a HUGE answer to prayers.

My insomnia is awful bad right now. My chiro (who is also my angel for helping get my youngest daughter on her diet that is making life so much better for her) is going to put me on melatonin to help, but it's a pill that has some other things that will help. Trouble is that I can't pick it up for about 2 weeks. But I have some plain melatonin here that I will try and see if that helps. Speaking of our chiro, who I also like to call Awesome doctor who made my daughters life 1000 times better than it was prior, I found out today she will no longer be doctoring where we go. In fact, she is leaving the state completely because they laid her off. People, I teared up when she told me that. Ugh. I then had to tell her how much she has changed our lives and blah, blah, blah. And then she teared up and told me I wasn't allowed to cry. And I said, I don't sleep anymore an so I cry all the time and this was sad and I couldn't help it. M is quite sad to see her doctor leave as well. Next week will be our last visit with her and so I need to think of something to give her as a farewell gift because she honest to goodness changed our lives. And well, truthfully, I will probably leave the practice now too. It's 30 minutes away and we have one about 5 minutes from our house. I have been thinking about leaving because it's a decent chunk of time to go there, but I really liked her and wanted to stay with her because she is awesome. The other doctor there is pretty darn good too, but well, I don't have the emotional pull to him to drive that much. Blah. I hate good byes, even if it is just a doctor, but she honestly changed my life.

In other news, we've been blessed again. I have 10 dozen ears of corn in my garage right now waiting to be frozen. I'm given 2 dozen away for a friend to freeze and then I will begin working on my stash. After I blanch and freeze it all, I'm also giving some to granny and gramps (who won't be making the normal trek to Florida this winter) and I will probably have enough left over to give out to lots of other people too! I have also been giving out ears of corn to other people I know. My parents have another 15 dozen that they don't know what to do with and I'm so afraid it will go to waste so I want to single-handedly keep as much of it from the dump as possible. But again, I will have enough corn to see us through many many meals and frankly, that is just awesome IMO. And I am so grateful. I told the people at the farm this week that have and will single-handedly save me a LOT of money on groceries and just how thankful I am for that. And then I teared up again because I'm all freaking emotional these days.

Speaking of being blessed, I have a job! I can work from home. In my pajamas if I want or late at night when I suffer from insomnia! LOL! I will be working for The Motherhood, which even if they weren't going to be sending me a paycheck I would tell you is a WONDERFUL site and I love it. Although my paychecks will be small, they will be paychecks. That is wonderful. I can now feel like I contribute financially to our family and the tightness we are feeling will get a little bit less tight (although, we will still be very budgeted and still in a position to watch every single dollar we spend). But this is good news for us. And it's a step in the right direction. And I am so thankful and it's a website I would be active on even without the paycheck, and can you have a better job than one you enjoy so much you would do it for free? Nope! I don't really think so! =)

Anyway, that about sums up my life right now.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

In a funk ...

Again. :-(
I think I'm ready to just cut my entire mouth out at this point. I also think the medicine he's got me on is too much for me.
Unexpected bills came in today that will really really strain us. I know, I'm sort of a sissy girl, but I just cried when we sat down to figure it all out. We will make it, but well, the rest of October will mean spending absolutely as little as possible. Good thing we just stocked up on groceries over the weekend I guess. I think I could feed us the rest of the month and only buy milk and some fresh fruit/veggies. Which is a blessing, because I can not imagine the pain of wondering how to feed your family. Ugh. Just thinking that there are moms out there worried about that tonight really breaks my heart and makes me wish I was a millionaire just so I could give most of it away.
Tomorrow is a very busy day, and I'll be honest, I seriously wish I could just crawl into bed and sleep all day. My body is so work out. It is just craving sleep so badly right now. Which, obviously isn't helping my mood at all.
My husband assures me this will pass. That life will be tough for a bit, but it will get better. I have a feeling the selling of this house will happen though so we can have a bit more breathing room. And it does break my heart. I do know though, that this house is just a structure, and a home will be wherever we make it, but boy, it is hard of thinking of leaving.
And we are so blessed, that I don't want to come here and whine. Because I really am thankful for what we have. And I am thankful for what we have been giving (and even now I know that there will be some clothes coming for my kids that someone is graciously passing down to us). And I am grateful that my family is healthy.
I do try to hold onto all of that, but boy is it hard when you are looking at the budget and going "Okay, if I only drive when I absolutely have to, we can funnel 50 from gas towards that bill. And we're stocked up on groceries so next week let's slash the grocery budget in half and put the rest towards the bill. And the kids have enough jeans to make it until November, so we if do the winter shopping next month, the clothes budget can go towards the bill. And yeah, we were going to put x into savings, but that will all go towards the bill" well, it's hard and the reality of the financial picture is really hard to miss.
But as my dh said, we have food, we have clothes, and we are so very lucky for that. We are not going without. We are just going without more. We have enough to get by. And so, I'm trying to keep dh's words in my head and his spirit in my head right now
(on an interest note, last week he was the one who was saying we can't make it and I was being the cheerleader for him! I figure as long as we get bummed about it at different times, then we will survive this time!)
Anyway, that's what is on my mind tonight.

Friday, October 05, 2007

I NEED chocolate!

Ugh. I so need chocolate. Like 5 hours ago.
My tooth is infected again. I am on a stronger antibiotic this time. We attempted to finish the root canal on Wednesday. We didn't. I have to go back (hopefully) in 2 weeks to finish it. But all that work made all the pain come back. Yesterday it seemed tolerable enough (with the aid of some advil) but I knew we were headed for pain when I woke up this morning because of the pain. And it's not the tooth so much, as there's a cyst or something below the tooth - so it's actually below that tooth along the jaw line where the pain is. Not only that, but I can feel whatever is in there if I touch it - which stupidly enough I keep trying to feel it which makes it hurt more! Yes, I'm an idiot at times.
Aside from that dh has been gone a lot this week. The kids miss him. I miss him. He works so hard though so it's not like I'm mad he hasn't been around. I just miss him. We've hardly had a chance to talk much. Our longest conversation this week - was on the phone today.

Aside from all that whining, I was able to get my house pretty clean this week! It looks messy now, but that's just things out of place. Most surfaces have been scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed, mopped, swept, washed, wiped, and just cleaned! That feels good. I've planned my meals for next week. Tomorrow I will go shopping and probably do a trip where we will bulk up on items. I've found I tend to do two weeks of bulk shopping and then 2 weeks of light shopping. And we are running out of all those things I bulked up on a few weeks ago!

Tomorrow I have to work! I haven't had a pay check since - well, I think since 6ish years ago? Crazy! Just a few hours in the evening for my parents selling tickets. The nice thing is that between crowds I can pull out some knitting. Definitely a perk for sure!

Thursday, October 04, 2007

So incredibly blessed!

Dh and I have been so incredibly blessed lately, it is amazing.
First of all, twice in the last two weeks we've been given almost a complete meal for free from my family's business. Sometimes they close without food being sold (hamburgers, hotdogs, brats) and twice they've give the leftovers to him. Since it's about a 15 minute drive, they are actually slightly warm when he brings them home! We merely pull out some chips and fruit from the fridge and eat dinner! Hotdogs and hamburgers may not seem like a big deal, but really, it is.
Then on Sunday night he brought home an entire box of apples for me to make applesauce with. I finally got around to doing it tonight. I had to toss about 25% of the apples because they were "seconds" and didn't feel like waiting until tonight to be messed with. The rest though, were still beautiful and I till can't figure out how they were considered seconds! I made enough applesauce to fill 12 1-pint jars up! Combine that with the 6 already in my freezer, and that should last us at least 4 months. And I have children who LOVE applesauce. This is an incredibly blessing for us.
Now, it gets even better! He was also given 14 ears of corn (that had been grilled already but not sold). So we cut off the kernels and froze it. I have enough corn for at least 4 dinners in my freezer now.
Honestly and truly, this is incredibly wonderful for us! The awesome thing, I can get my hands on another box of apples pretty much once a week until the end of October!
I am so incredibly thankful for these gifts.

Now, don't get me wrong ... because I don't want to leave anyone with the wrong impression. We would be able to put an adequate amount of food on the table without these gifts. But, regardless, this truly helps! Because we are trying to fix the mess we made of money over the course of this year. And we are at the point where every little dollar counts. And so this is tremendously wonderful!

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Lately ...

I've been spending time going through all our digital pictures (which date back to 2001!) to delete all the blurry, heads missing, bad shots, etc, from the hard-drive. No need to store pictures I absolutely would never print up. Plus, I have a terrible habit of taking a series of 7 pictures in a row in the hopes of getting one good one.
I am not completely done and have already freed up a lot of space on the hard drive LOL!

Aside from the feeling of getting a little bit more organized around here, it's been an interesting trip down memory lane. I can't believe how little the girls look in those pictures! Little Momma was a newborn in some of them! We have a few of Little miss really young, but most pictures start around her 3rd birthday! She has changed so much and it really struck me how much she has "grown up." And even Little Man, who granted is only 21 months old now, but to see his newborn pictures ... It is so amazing looking back on them.

But I noticed a few things:
1. I have so many pictures of Little Momma laying down ... on the couch, on the floor, just laying and hanging. Not to say I don't have any pictures of her playing, but they are a small percentage of them. I have her laying and looking at books, I have her laying and holding dolls, I have her cuddling with blankets. She truly has changed the most of all my kids - you wouldn't know today that she had extensive therapy from about 18 months to 3 years old! And thank God for that truly. I am so glad how far she has come, and she had to work hard to get here and I am so thankful we are where we are today with her.

2. I have tons of pictures of the kids painting, exploring, playing dress-up, playing with rice and beans (yes, I have buckets of both for my children), of them helping me cook, of walks and parks and all sorts of fun things. But something has changed .... I don't do those things so much anymore with the kids. And that makes me feel sad truthfully. I don't know if moving into another house stopped some of it and then being sick while pregnant made some more of it stop and then having a very high maintenance child stopped the rest of it ... that's my guess. But it is time to get it back!

So I've been trying. I took the kids out last Saturday to a (free) event locally that the girls at least enjoyed. I pulled out the box of beans the other day and all three kids went crazy for them! Of course there were quite a few spills with Little man in the mix, but I didn't let that bother me! I am letting Little Man help me out more often (which is helping in two ways, I can actually accomplish housework and he's too busy "helping" me to whine about not getting my undivided attention 24/7). I have been playing blocks and barbies and trains and school with the kids. We go outside, we work together, we talk, we have more fun. We are still going in small steps but I am trying hard to get that back. And given what feels like an endless supplies of art stuff in our basement and the tight budget we are on right now, I have a feeling this is exactly the sorts of things I need to bring back before the winter weather really sets in and we are feeling housebound when the temperatures are in the teens for a week at a time!