I think ...

I have a brain tumor. @@ (Yes, I'm rolling my eyes at myself LOL!)
Two, or three days ago now, I just got this killer headache. I still have it. Tylenol isn't really helping and I'm not supposed to do advil with the nursing.
Not only that but I've been feeling naseous - not overwhelming so, just liek that slight naseous feeling. Enough to be annoying, if that makes sense?
I'm sure it's a combo of a bunch of things - the no sleep, I know I need ot get my eyeglass prescription changed, my jaw problems spark headaches for me.
I just don't remember having one that has lasted to long and been unresponsive to meds.
To top it off, my moods have been crazy the last few days. Like, I don't feel like me. I also feel like I'm not me - if that makes sense at all.
But that coul dalso be from lack of sleep and having a killer headache.
Both dh and I have noticed that for a few weeks now I'll be talking and just all of a sudden have no freaking clue what I am talking about. Or I'll try to say a word and I can NOT for the life me remember the word and I do the whole umm, umm, umm, and give the definition - and I feel like an idiot. We keep saying it's becuase I have the kids all day and I'm not sleeping so of course I'm bound to do those things. But now I have this headache and I'm sure it's a brain tumor.
Dh thinks it's stress, lack of sleep, the eye issue, the jaw issue, etc, etc. Of course, he's not a paranoid, anxiety ridden person so he's probably got the more accurate description.
That said, tomorrow I am making an appointment with the orthodontist for my jaw, optometrist for my eyes, my therapist for my anxiety. Friday when I take babyboy to the doctor for a check-up, I am also going to have her give me one too.
I dont know .. maybe the dx will by hypochondriach (no, I can't spell that word) and I can get some sugar pills and feel better LOL!

One tired momma

I'm tired. I'm just plain tired.
Between everything going on here - there is no time to sleep.
I feel like I'm going to just pass out from sleep exhaustion.
Hardly any sleep this weekend trying to deal with baby being sick. Dh was busy painting a room, so he was little help in the childcare area.
Monday we woke up to water all over the basement. Ugh. I cried. I literally cried. We worked very hard Monday night to get things out of there and get the water out.
My child isn't sleeping. He is up all the time at night.
I've been telling dh for over a week now that I was sooooo tired and just plain exhausted. Saturday morning he let me sleep in for 2 hours ... so he asked me Saturday night "But you're all caught up from this morning, right? I mean you aren't really that tired are you?"
Ummm .. hello? I haven't slept more than a few hours at a time in like 3 weeks he thinks 2 hours are going to fix it all? Did he not listen to me each time I told him how just pure exhausted I feel? Apparently not. @@
I hate to complain because overall he's a doll .. I love him. However, he has been pulling tons of hours at work the last 2 weeks. He was doing so much to help me out around here - laundry, cooking, helping with the kids when he got home ot give me a break. That hasn't happened. He barely comes home in time to say good night to the girls and then he has a million other things he needs to get done.
I don't doubt his intentions are good, but he's not here for me and honestly, he's not really here for the kids either. And I'm so freaking exhausted.
Today my babyboy cried - no screamed - for like 2 hours. I held him, rocked him, tried to feed him, tried to give him a pacifier ... nothing helped until he cried himself to sleep.
I seriously wanted to cry with him. I am just so tired. The house is falling apart around us, there are still things to fix from the flood, I have tons of laundry to do, kids to school ... and I am feel like I'm drowning in it all.
The good thing is that somehow, despite feeling this way, I am actually able to cope with it all without going completely nuts. This may not seem like a big feat to most people, but for me it is. I have worked a long time to not completely go nuts and to learn to deal with feelign like this.
Now I just need to get sleep again and things will be peachy-keen.

My poor baby ...

My babyboy is sick again :-( He is getting nebulizer treatments again. I just feel bad for him. The thing that just makes me most nervous is that 2 days ago, he was fine, yesterday he was congested and today he was wheezing and retracting. It just seems to happen so fast. Our ped said if we didn't have the nebulizer at home already she probably would have sent us to the hospital today to get him some treatments. Well, I'm glad we have it here! We came home and started the treatments up (after digging it out of storage). I guess we won't store it away so quickly this time. She also told me that we need to watch him for asthma as this point if this happens again.
Yikes! I don't know what to do. 50% of me wants to keep him in a bubble. The other half of me doesn't want to over-react and keep him home if it's not needed. Not to mention the other 2 kids who have things they want to do and places they want to go. :::sigh::: I mean, health issues will trump the fun things, but I am praying it's not asthma. That he just picked up another virus and it's close to the last one he had just by pure coincedence. Well, I guess we'll see what happens with him in the future. I guess I shouldn't start worrying about it yet.
The good news is that he is actually pretty happy overall. Just smiling and laughing, although he wants to be held pretty closely. Which is nice. He has no fever so that's good too. And despite being on albuterol, he hasn't been overly-hyper (which I guess happens to some kids).
I just feel bad and I hope he does get better ... I'm keeping a close eye on him though just in case.

3rd time's the charm ...

My third child is by far getting my best parenting ever. I hate to say it - but it's true.
It's not that I didn't try with my first two. On the contrary, with my first I think I tried too hard. I wanted to be perfect. I hemmed and hawed over her every move. I was anxious and nervous. I constantly wondered if I was doing things "right" or "wrong" and if I was being the perfect parent. So much energy went into that, that I don't think I enjoyed her babyhood as much as I could have if I decided to relax and just take it as things came.
With my second, I was in a high stress situation and just felt overwhelmed until she was almost a year old. I had so much going on, I felt like my head would explode most days and, again, I missed out just enjoying her.
This time, I don't have that anxiety or worry about what is normal or not. And I don't have the stress in my life I had with my second. And it's so much more enjoyable this time around for those reasons. I really wish I could rewind time and go back to when my other two were little and find this sense of enjoyment. I feel like they were cheated somehow with their babyhood years.
Like today, my oldest was taking a bath, my middle was in her room dancing and singing, and babyboy and I were just hanging out in our room. Laying on the bed, talking to each other - okay cooing at each other. And I just realized that it was so fun and I loved having that moment with him. And I remember having moments like that with the other two, but I have these moments with him several times a day. I love it. I just absolutely love it. I can't get enough of him or these little moments.
Andnow of course, I'm not sure I want to stop at three kids anymore. Yes, you can imagine how wonderfully excited my dh was to hear that from me. I know he will be my last one, of course unless something happens like an oops moment at the exact right moment that conception could take place, but I doubt that might happen again.
But I love this. I am finally in a place in life where I am able to enjoy life a little more. Things aren't so overwhelming, I'm not so anxious, I'm not getting so caught up in the details and how-to's of life to miss what is actually happening around me. And it's a good place to be.
I'm getting all these moments with my baby that I can't get enough of.
I'm connecting with my 6 year old, despite it being hard to watch her grow up, and I'm loving my 3 year old.
Life is good over here. I'm still tired and pretty worn out, but I'm feeling all of that physically and not emotionally - and that is such a difference for me.

My Children

My 6 year old has her first "crush"
My 3 year old told her first blatant lie today
My 3 month old is apparently into nonfiction books.
Oh dear.

Today my 6 year old asked me if I was ever to shy to talk to other kids when I was growing up. We chatted about being shy, things to say, but I was in my head thinking "since when is she shy?" Then we get to where her classes are and she says "There he is mom. I don't know his name yet though. I'm nervous to talk to him." He? He? There he is! Yes, that's when it hit me. In between her classes she spotted where he was, asked someone else his name, etc. I'm guessing he's about 10/11 years old. She is 6. Then it was time to leave. She sighed "I never got to say hi to him." Oh boy. When we got to the car, I just asked her (not in a laughing tone or mocking tone) "Dear, do you have a little crush on this boy?" She turned red, giggled a little and said yes. Okay, when did she learn the word crush? She is 6. So we chatted for awhile. I've discovered she's at that age where friends are girls, and boys aren't really friends unless you like like them. But she doesn't really know what that means either. I think we've hit a point where boys and girls no longer look the same in her eyes. But she is 6. I am so not ready for even that to happen. What will I do when she has a real crush? My dh at first didn't like that I asked her that question to begin with though. I am. If we can't talk about things with her at 6, what will happen when she is 14? And she understood the question ... so it's good to talk about it and not freak out and to just chat and figure out what she's thinking. Right? He agreed with me then, but I hope I did the right thing.

My 3 year old got one of those fuzzy posters that you color. She asked me to open it tonight, very close to bedtime so I said no, we would do it tomorrow - too close to bed, blah blah. So she walks maybe 5 feet to my husband and says "Mommy said you can open this for me." Umm. Nope. So my dh asked her if she was sure. And she said yes, she was. I said "Emma that is not what I said." And she turned around, pointed her finger at me and said "No mom. We open it now." I think my jaw hit the floor. I believe that is the first tine she has been quite so defiant and she was blatantly lying. So off to time out she went ... with tears in her eyes and promises to never do it again.

My baby is really into nonfiction these days. I was reading Krakatoa : The Day the World Exploded: August 27, 1883 out loud to him because he wanted to have someone pay attention to him and I wanted to read. He liked it! He was smiling, kicking, cooing. Tonight we repeated this with The Colony : The Harrowing True Story of the Exiles of Molokai .
He's brilliant ... definitely will grow up to be a genius LOL! ;-)
Oh yeah, he also pooped through 2 outfits today too. Yep. Future genius on my hands!

More walking ...

Well, I kind of felt like crud today due to almost no sleep in the last 24 hours (mostly because of babyboy but partly because I spent some time reading when I could have been sleeping!) but I went walking anyway. Tonight I managed to get 2 miles in the same time it took me to get 1.5 miles last week. I even ran a few laps in the middle of all my walking. This is quite impressive for me. I don't generally like to be active or moving honestly so I was very happy with myself.
I have to admit, it does feel good when I'm done. I get an energy rush. I should figure out a way to do this more in the middle/earlier part of the day, but for now, I do it when dh gets home from work. My 3 year old has a park district class, so we have to be there anyway, why sit when I can walk?
And I have to admit, dh bought me a coke from McDonalds today. I didn't finish it. After walking, I just wanted water. And, tonight when getting a dessert, I originally picked up a Hershey bar, but then I set it back down for a granola bar. This is serious! I would like to lose ten pounds, I would like to firm up muscles, and I want to be healthier ... apparently I'm starting to actually do something about it as opposed to just thinking about what to do about it! This is a big deal for me!! Now if I start back up with some Pilates DVDs ... well, I don't know ... pigs may just start flying! LOL!

Deal or No Deal?

My family is in love with this show.
We watched it last time they ran it for a week. And tonight, they started airing it for another week.
All 5 of us sit around and watch it (well, okay, babyboy is only there because we are holding him, but you get it). And we all sit around and yell "Deal Deal Deal!!" or "No deal! No deal! No Deal!" and we get excited when they pick a case with a low number and we all sigh when it's a case with a big number. Dh and I talk about if we would deal or not and if we won, what we would do with the money ... okay, that's easy. We want to buy a house. So by default, depending on the amount 75-100% of our winnings would go to a house!
But it's fun. And yes, it's TV. We have family time by watching TV. I know some who would read that and think, you can't have family time by watching TV. But we do. We don't generally watch TV together often, so I don't feel bad about it.
And thanks to me reading Freakonomics today, I now know that TV viewign time is not correlated to good grades so I feel even less guilty watching it for this week than I did watching it the last week it was on! LOL!

Now, as if watching it wasn't enough, we can now play the game ourselves at Deal or No Deal. Tonight I would have won 192,000 and my dh would have walked away with 300,000. I only wish it were real LOL!!! Although I have been encouraging dh to apply for the show. He's good looking, he's got a good personality ... and he's smart about deals or no deals!!!

Fun Weekend!

We just had a blast of a weekend!
My husband's mom came to visit us from NH. Now, she is not a typical MIL you read about. I LOVE her! We get along very well and I just adore her. She's not that you-stole-my-son-from-me-and-now-we-need-to-compete-with-each-other sort. Nor is she the you-are-doing-everything-with-my-grandkids-wrong-so-I-need-to-tell-you-how-to-do-it-better-than-you-are type either. So we really enjoy it when we get to see her. And to top it all off, this is the first time she has seen babyboy! So that was so much fun. She came in Thursday. And we chatted and chatted adn chatted. Friday woke up, hung out, and after lunch drove up to the dells to play at an indoor water park. So we spent the weekend swimming and chatting and just having a blast.
Unfotunately the trip was a short one - she left already :-( I'll miss her. The kids will miss her. But I have to admit I am freaking tired right now.
We ran around a lot, babyboy still isn't sleeping wonderfully and there was really no down time to nap during the day and get breaks. So it was go all day, stau up late, wake up with babyboy to eat every 2-3 hours, and then run around some more!
And now, my dh has a cold, my 3 year old has a runny nose since yesterday and my 6 year is complaining of it today. I don't feel all that hot either (although I'm thinking it's from lack of sleep).
I'm terrified we are going to have a bad week around here full of crabby, tired, people. But I have to say, I'm glad it will all happen after mil went back home. I would have felt so bad had she flown out here to deal with sick crabbies! She got to see everyone happy and running around and having fun! So that is good!

Walking ...

So I think I mentioned when getting blood work done for life insurance, we discovered dh has a high cholesterol number and mine is within normal, but it's almost the highest normal number you can get.
So dh and I are on a mission to change how we eat and to start exercising.
Well, that day to start exercising came yesterday. We both signed up for the www.walkacrossillinois.org program in an effort to get motivation.
Yesterday I walked 1.5 miles at the community center indoor track. Tonight I walked too.
Dh walked 1 mile with me yesterday. He didn't come today. He was busy - he needed to do work. I'm kind of bummed. I am worried about him. I know he will always be busy and I'm worried he'll keep pushing the exercise to the back burner. I do not want my husband having a heart attack in a few years because he was too busy to do anything to prevent it. Plus, it's nice having someone to walk with, ya know?
I told him that. That I don't want him to be too busy for this. I do not want my husband to work himself to death.
I have to say I like the walking. I feel energized after doing it ... which is a rare feeling these days! I think I will go over tomorrow and get another 1.5 miles in if I can. Dh's mom is coming into town around 2ish so I have to do a lot to get ready for that. But I figure I can spare a half an hour (okay so it would really be like an hour to get all the kids bundled up, get over there, walk, get bundled up again, and get home) for my health. So I can see my grandkids! Plus, maybe it will give me energy to do the last minute housecleaning I want to get done before she walks in. although, I'm sure she will be so busy looking at the kids, she won't notice the state of the house! But I still have to try!
and I can't wait until it gets warmer out. The indoor track is 14 laps for a mile. Yeah, 21 is 1.5 miles - it gets a bit boring by about lap, 4! But it's still too cold to be out with the kids (I think it's supposed to be like 20 with windchill tomorrow).
But when it does get warm out ... I found this site which I htink is pretty neat ... Gmap Pedometer!
Anyway, I have made it 2 days now! I'm kind of proud of myself!! LOL!

Ha ha ...

Don't ask why, just do it .. click the link. Gizoogle
It at least made me smile ;-)

I jinxed myself ...

I should have never posted before that things were starting to feel normal around here. Because I lied.
Well, anyway, things here have just been crazy.
Needless to say, as I mentioned in the last post, we took babyboy to urgent care and were sent home. The next morning we went to our doc becuase he still looked like he had labored breathing. Well, our ped basically sent us right to the ER right there. She was upset they didn't just do that the previous night at urgent care.
So baby boy was in the hospital from Thursday to Saturday night. It just sucked.
I felt so bad. When we originally got to the hospital he was dehydrated, retracting badly, his heart rate was very high and his oxygen levels were low. I felt so bad for him (and really kind of pissed at the urgent care doc from the night before).
The good news is that we are home now and he is doing a lot better. Still getting meds at home, still stuffy and needing mommy and daddy to suck out some boogers. Which, as you can only imagine, he HATES! LOL!
I'm glad we are home, but it's been a crazy last week around here.
And I feel like I'm losing my mind again. Everytime I think I finally have things figured out around here, I don't. I feel like I'm losing it. Will I ever feel like things are normal again? Will I ever sleep again? Will I ever have more than just a few minutes to myself? It seriously does not feel like it.
Going from 2 to 3 kids has been VERY hard for me. The kids things are now just overwhelming. And then with everything else that needs to be done ... it's just not all getting done,and if things do get done around here, chances are dh did it and not me. I feel like all I do is nurse and try to sleep if I can. Between those two things are some crazy awake periods where I'm trying to school theoldest, keep the house semi-clean, get some laundry done, get kids to ballet, awana, art, drama, choir, and other classes. I can't wait for summer. No classes, no school, just kicking back and getting outside to play!

I have a ...

friend! A real live friend!
I know this may seem like a silly thing to some people. we all have friends, right? Well, I feel like in my life I basically have a bunch of aquaintances. But since early college, I've never really felt like I had a good friend, the one you cna always call or bare your soul to. My relationships with other people were more on a superficial level. And then along came the internet, and I do have tons of friends on-line and they are woman I love and adore, but they are not here. Most are in other states and as great as e-mail, chat rooms, and message boards are, well, there is a gap there when you can't pick up the phone and say "hey, let's meet for lunch."
But I have that now. I finally have that now.
Someone about my age, with a little boy almost a year old, and is into crafty things like me and is very nice. They've been over here twice now. We went out to lunch once. And next week hopefully the kids and I will be going out to a little party she invited us to. We have talked about getting a sitter this summer nad taking a quilting class together. We are sharing baby things, ideas and all that stuff.
I know it may seem silly, but it's so exciting! I feel like I have someone I can pick up the phone and blab about nothing to or I can call and complain about the sleepless nights and wild children and the messy hosue and the laundry I've been avoiding all week. And it's so exciting.

And today for the first time since early fall I went to one of the mom's club activities. It was nice to reconnect with some old faces and meet some new. So who knows, maybe soon I'll even have two friends hehehee ;-)

I guess the point of all this rambling is that I'm starting to feel normal again. We're not on any kind of schedule yet. I'm still barely getting any sleep. I feel like the jump between two and three has been HUGE for me and I'm still learning how to deal with it all. I still feel very stressed honestly. But at the same time, it's not so new and the learning curve is starting to feel more manageable. Now I just would like to sleep. But babyboy is sick. Very stuffy, a little cough, and just overall miserable, which has translated into very little sleep for him and me. We actually went to urgent care tongiht because dh and I felt his breathing was starting to look a little labored. They checked and his lungs were clear (they even took an x-ray becuase of his shallow breathing) and it all came back okay. It was quite traumatic ... they put him in this thing to get the x-ray. I thought I was going to cry :-( Poor guy. the only down side is that the urgent care facility could not check for RSV. So basically they said watch him tonight. If he remains the same, to his ped tomorrow and if he starts to look worse or the breathing gets more labored, off to the ER we should go. I'm glad his lungs were clear though, but I worry about his breathing and his heart rate was on the higher side too. We'll go to his doc tomorrow and see what she says (provided he doesn't get worse which I'm crossing my fingers he doesn't).

Anyway, there is all my babbling. And its point is that things are starting to feel better around here. I'm starting to feel better. And it's a good place to be. I haven't been in this spot for too long now and I'm glad to finally start getting back to it ....

Just when ....

my day is not going well ... when baby didn't sleep the night before, when my other two dds were being loud and rambunctious and crazy all day, just when I was about to snap, I get a cold hard reality check. I get news that just breaks my heart and puts it all into perspective.
A friend of mine passed away basically suddenly and unexpectedly today.
A little over 3 years ago she was dx'd with leukemia ... she was 8 months pregnant. Basically they induced her and rushed her right away for treatment. Then she needed a donor. Amazingly they found one that was almost a perfect match. She went into remission. It was amazing. It was a long road though - not nearly that simple. To really tell the storyI would need a lot more time. But through it all,s he was amazing - up-beat, happy, full of love for God and so hopeful. I know if it were me, I would have entered some deep depression feeling doomed and constantly asking why me God, why me?
But not her .... not her.
In mid-December she went for a check-up ... still in remission and things were looking good. She was excited she would see her 30th birthday in January.
Well she did, but recently she had a few complication come up. But I guess I didn't realize how serious they were until today. Today when I found out my sweet friend had passed away. In a horrific twist of fate, it is also her oldest dd's birthday. She leaves behind 2 daughters, one son, and a husband.
I can't believe it. And I'm sitting here thinging why her God? Why her? Of all the people in this world, you had to take her? It's moments like this that I wish to hell life were fair. That bad things didn't happen to good people, that someone didn't make it three years, get a clean bill of healthy a few months ago and then have this happen. So suddenly.
I don't understand it. I don't think I ever will understand it. I know, I know ... there's a big picture out there, blah, blah, blah, we can't see it now, blah, blah, blah, it doesn't make sense now, but someday ti will, blah blah blah ....
I don't buy it right now. I just don't buy it. This sucks. I'm so sad and mad and just full of sadness and anger I just might burst.
But I know I can't. She was better than that and so I must try to be better than that. So I will try to just pray for her family and for her precious little babies.
I will try to not let the sadness out and let the anger go and to remember her sweet smile and her cute southern accent and to keep her spirit alive.

Momma and baby ... my girls never really slept on my like this, so when babyboy fell asleep like that today I just felt like I was in heaven!

Life updates ...

So we are doing pretty well with good nights here. Last night was rough, but all of yesterday was rough (maybe babyboy was feeling under the weather or I ate something that upset him or whatever). I'm just glad we are doing more good nights than bad nights. Although, a good night here just means that babyboy goes back to sleep after eating without too much trouble. I'm still waiting for those 4 hours stretches to start happening more than just once in a while! But for the moment I will take what I can get!
My oldest finished her math book yesterday. She was so proud of herself. It's rated prek-k. So we started the next book, which is rated 1st - 3rd grade. She's so excited to be in "first grade" math! It cracks me up!! She also only has 6 more reading lessons to go. And sh eis looking forward to finishing that as well. We are going to make cookies, cupcakes or cake to celebrate her finishing her math this weekend. And I told her next weekend we will do it again to celebrate finishing reading!
My middle child gave me a picture today she colored. She also wrote her name on it. First of all, I didn't teach her that! Second of all, I didn't know she could write letters, much less put the correct letters together to make her name! It totally blew me away and I was pretty darn impressed. She is kind of spacey a lot of the time, but she must really be absorbing things even if I don't see it! LOL!

Dh adn I had blood tests drawn a few weeks ago for life insurance reasons. The results came back today.
They were overall pretty good. However, (there is always a however), my cholesterol level was 196. His was 240! 240! (normal range is something - 200). I was worried about me being so close to the top of normal range, but he is over. Ugh. So now we have decided that we need to eat better and neither of us exercise, so we'll have to start doing that as well. He is going to schedule an appointment with the our PCP to see if she has any comments/advice to offer him and find out when he should be retested (to hopefully show lower numbers).
So now I'm afraid I'm almost a heart attack waiting to happen, that dh is a heart attack waiting to happen, and then the other day I watched the Oprah show abotu bird flu. Yeah, so much for my anxiety being under control LOL!! I gotta get it back under control again and fast. I had a mini panic attack tonight :-( Not good.
But aside from that, things are going well. I think we are finally starting to get into a groove as a family of five around here. I am feeling less stressed and less tired and less cranky and more ready to deal with things as they come up (except for anxiety).
And that, is life in a nutshell around here!

Better days ahead?

I think things here on the up and up ... at least I hope so.
This weekend I was able to get sleep - real sleep. At one point I got 6 hours of sleep! 6 hours ... that's more than I've had in a while and it felt good.
My dh took babyboy Friday night right after I nursed him. Babyboy stayed awake for dh for about an hour, then slept for 4 hours. It was so nice.
Dh and I talked and decided we needed to do something to encourage him to sleep if we could. We decided I would come back to our bed, with babyboy and we would co-sleep. We weren't going to originally co-sleep becuase our bed is not big enough for dh, me and baby. But I need to do something to get sleep. So dh moved into his grandparents bed. This will work well until babyboy is doing better at night or when the grandparents come back from Florida.
Regardless, aside from babyboy waking to eat, he pretty much went back to sleep each time. He did want to wake up pretty early but that's when I woke dh and went back to sleep myself ;-)
I also got out this weekend to do errands for a few hours sans babyboy. Didn't have to worry about nursing, didn't have to worry about what to do if he pooped while out, or started cry, or all those things. It was kind of nice.
Basically, I had the kind of weekend that I think I needed to have to start to feel better.
And it seems to me that babyboy might be picking up on this night/day thing. Although co-sleeping is helping out too. We did it again last night and it went pretty well too. It's nice becuase he falls asleep while nursing and this way I don't need to move him when he's done (which usually wakes him up).
I am still feeling tired, but I don't feel just sheer exhaustion anymore, and that is going a long way.

I am also working on things over there are exciting to me (mainly playing with my Christmas present) and it's nice to have something to do.
So, right now I'm just crossing my fingers that we have another good night and that we are through the worst of the bad nights.

Sleepless in Chicago ...

Well last time I wrote, I was excited becuase my babyboy had had two good nights in a row. And I was excited because I thought that we were on the road to good night number 3.
Nope.
No such luck.
Babyboy said sorry mom, not ready to sleep at night on a regular basis for you right now.
It's a good thing this baby boy is so darn cute I tell you!!
I admit though, I'm so freaking tired it hurts right now. My dh is trying to help out as he can. I hate to wake him during the week though - his days are spent at work. If babyboy goes for a nap at 2 pm, dh can't nap with him. I can. So I'm trying not to wake him as well. But I don't know how much longer I can go like this. It was so nice this weekend when dh took babyboy at night. And of course on Wednesday he told me that he still felt tired from the weekend. I looked at him and told him I still felt tired from the last month. I didn't mean to snap back and I know he's tired too, but I'm really tired. Like really really really really tired! But, every day he gets a little bigger and a little older and I can only hope that soon he will start to realize there is a nighttime and a daytime.
On other news, my 3 year old is feeling better now - yeah! My 6 year old is still being sweet and helpful and wonderful. My girls still both love their brother, even though he needs so much of mommy's time. So that is good.
I did, however, today tell dh to go and schedule a vasectemy whenever he wanted to. I had originally told him I wasn't ready to make that decision. But I decided I was. I realize I'm very tired these days and that is affecting my thoughts, but I just decided today I don't want to go through this again. I am barely holding it together right now. I feel like I'm teetering in the edge of post partum depression. I'm tired. I'm crabby. (And yes, I will be speaking to someone about this - I want to get a handle on it before things get worse).
But more importantly, I feel fulfilled with my life. I have 3 wonderful, beautiful children. I love my husband. I enjoy my life overall. I am extremely thankful for all that I have and all that I've been blessed with in life.
I enjoy having babyboy in our life right now - but you know, I'm ready to move onto the next phase for our family.
We'll see - dh was ready to get a vasectemy done the day we found out we were expecting! He knew then three was his limit. I've been fighting it for awhile, but I'm ready now.
And now my babyboy is calling me so off I go.

I forgot ....

I forgot about the realities of life with a newborn. I forgot how it feels to function on minimal sleep, how it feels to never sleep for more than a few hours at a time, how tired you start to feel after the high of having a baby comes down!
My first never slept. It was hell honestly. And not only did she not sleep, but she cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. And if she wasn't crying, she was eating. And I didn't sleep much and neither did she. Funnily enough, at the age of 6 she still doens't sleep that much or that well. I think it's just her and she will be one of those adults that sleeps 6 hours a night and feels great (my dh's dad is the same way - I think it's genetic).
It was hard to have a baby that didn't sleep. I can remember holding her in the rocking chair and she would be crying and I would be crying. But, she was our only one, nad my dh and I lived with my parents so when I was feeling really desperate all I had to do was walk up a flight of stairs and call for my mom!
Then 3 years later I had number 2. I was nervous about it. How would I deal with an infant and a 3 year old and not sleep a lot. My second daughter was her sisters complete opposite. She loved sleep - hey, she still does at the ripe old age of 3! She was sleeping like 8-10 hour stretches by 3 months old. Even before then she just basically slept, woke, ate, fell back asleep. She was one of those babies that you could forget was in the room. She did like to be cuddled, so she lived in a sling a lot, but she slept, and at night she even slept in a pack and play until she was about 9 months old and transitioned to the crib, no problem - if it was a place she could lay, she was happy. Heck, she wouldn't have minded if we put her on the floor honestly LOL! I think she was also about 3 months old when she stayed awake for more than 20/30 minutes!
And now to baby number 3. The entire time I was pregnant with him I wished he would be the perfect mix of his big sisters ... sleeping at night, but having some awake periods during the day. Well, I did get what I asked for, just not the way I wanted it. He is a mix of his sisters. The problem is he stays awake a lot like my first, but he's pretty content like my second as long as he is close and cuddled. Which, it's nice to not have a screaming child, but it gets hard to stay awake until 2, 3, 4 am or sometimes not even getting to sleep at night. And the first night it's okay. It's even okay the second night, but then it starts to add up. I had about 12 of those nights in a row with him. And I thought I was going to snap honestly. Don't get me wrong, I love the little guy, but I needed some sleep. So this weekend dh had him at night. I pumped milk for them and let them have fun.
The first night was not fun for dh! Little man stayed awake until 2ish, was fussy (becuase dh did not want to cuddle him, he wanted him to sleep LOL!) and then he woke up lots of times to eat. I almost felt bad on Saturday for them, but not quite! And so again, Saturday night was dh's turn to take darling boy. And at 10pm, he went to sleep. Then a few hours later he woke to eat, but fell back asleep and he proceeded to do that until about 8:30. Oh sure, decide to sleep when it's daddy's turn to take you! LOL!
But then he did it again last night for me (although 3 year old was sick so I still didn't get a lot of sleep!). And I'm crossing my fingers for a repeat performance tonight. I will be so thrilled if we can get sleep tonight! The joy of 3 hours of uninterrupted sleep ... it's more precious than gold these days!!

On another note, my boy had his one month check-up last week on wednesday. The little piggy was 11 pounds 4 ounces. I can't beleive it! So yes, he's eating quite well right now! =)
Okay, off to try to get some sleep as long as he will let me! LOL!

Happy New Year ...

Here it is ... 2006.
I can't believe this year has passed, but yet I can!
2005, although a great year, has also been a long year for me. I think I spent at least half of it just sick. It was worth it in the end when baby arrived, but the pregnancy was long and I would be lying if I said I miss being pregnant honestly!
But now it's time to look ahead to 2006 ....
2006 will be a very important year for my family.
By August we would like to be in our own home. My dh would like to have a house we can stay for, well, like the next 20 years. I would like that too ... I'm just not sure our budget allows for that. Dh may also be getting a vasectemy sometime this year. Of course that means I really just had my last pregnancy. I have mixed feelings ... half of me is saying yes, do it! The other half is screaming no, I'm not ready to make it so final!
Back to the house - it's exciting, but it will be stressful. It will mean finances are tapped. It will mean packing things up again, possibly finding new places for the kids activities, all the things that come with a change of address.
And I am thrilled at the thought of being in our own house, our own space, being able to decorate how I want to, paint if I want to, deciding where to put what, etc, etc. But it is also stressful too. And to be honest, I love the house we are living in and I love the location. We are trying to maybe just buy this house, but I'm not sure it will actually happen. So it will be sad t leave this house.
So I look at the coming year with a lot of excitment, but also with a little bit of trepidation, fear and worry! LOL!!!
And then I look at my kids ... where will they be in a year? I can't even imagine! My oldest will probably be smarter than me in a year. My middle is currently developing her personality. It will be interesting to see where she ends up in a year. And my baby ... this little 9 pound baby who pretty much needs someone to do everything for him, well in a year he will be able to move himself, say a few words, play, smile, laugh, eat foods! What an incredible change for one little person in such a short time! I can't even believe he's 3 weeks old right now ... 3 weeks has flown by (well, except for the few times when he has wanted to stay awake for like 4 hoursin the middle of the night ROFL!!).
Amazing. Completely amazing.
With all that said ... happy new year to everyone out there!!! =) Hope it's filled with fun, happiness, love and good health!

A little break ....

My darling daughters went to my mom's house Tuesday. They were to spend the night and come home Wednesday but called Wednesday and asked to stay there one more night. Dh and I said sure.
Now, don't get me wrong, I miss them terribly!! And the house seems a bit empty without them running around and no barbies or dolls to step over. And I love seeing them with the baby.
But in my mind I thought Yes! I am getting a little break! And then in my mind I thought of all the fun things I would do with my break. I have a new sewing machine to play with, a new MP3 player to put music on, books to read, things to knit, a new computer game to play .... oh, how much fun I was going to have!
Well, let me tell you what I've actually done. I did one load of laundry, vaccuumed, managed to feed myself during the day, took a shower yesterday, and have pretty much slept whenever the baby slept!!
They will be returning home in about 2 hours, and well, I haven't really done a lot of fun stuff!!
But that's okay with me ... I was tired. I needed sleep. And there will be plenty of time to play later!

Merry Christmas!

Well, we survived Christmas! Things were pretty hectic around here for the last few days. Trying to get ready, take care of an infant and take care of the other two kiddos. And when it was all said and done, we didn't just survive Christmas, we actually truly enjoyed Christmas!
On Christmas eve we had all of my dh's family over at the house. I want to say roughly 20 adults and 10 kids (including the 5 people from my family). But it was fabulous, and dh's aunt brought a chocolate fountain! Oh my goodness ... let's just say YUMMY! LOL!!! Oh, I was in heaven with that here =)
The kids had fun playing with all the other kids, and of course, the presents helped make the night a blast too hehehe! We did learn one thing. Our darling baby apparently does not like crowds and being in groups of people. He pretty much cried and nursed the entire time. It was a little frustrating because it's hard when you can't get your baby to relax, and it was kind of sad because of course, everyone wanted to hold him. But I don't blame him - we've led a pretty low key existence in his two weeks of life so to have all that commotion all of a sudden, I can get why he was not too happy!
Christmas day was a lot of fun too, if not a little overwhelming. We usually try to keep Christmas low key, not too many presents because dh and I don't want the kids to think it's all about the toys and gifts. This year, however, things got out of hand. The number of presents was, well, it was a lot!!! LOL! And of course, it's all pretty much opened, and thankfully, almost all of it has been put away. I can't believe how much stuff we all got - including dh and I.
I actually got something I have wanted for a while: an embroidery machine! It's a Singer XL-6000 and so far it looks good. I know need to go out and buy a few things before I begin to use it and figure out all the embroidery options on it. It was a present from my mom and so she said I have to make her grandma sweatshirt with the kids names on it! =)
Well, overall our Christmas was a great deal of fun and everyone enjoyed it.
And to think ... in a week it will be a new year. And I look around and I can't believe how incredibly blessed that my family and I are. And I can't believe how much life has changed in the last year (most notable the newest member!) and to think ... a year ago I would have never guessed I'd be sitting here today, a mother of five, enjoying life and in a much better place than I was a year ago!

11 days old ...

Well, my darling son is 11 days old. And so far, we've survived! LOL!
I had forgotten some of the fun an infant brings. We have created so many sweet memories all ready ... the girls just dote on their brother. They can't stand when he cries and they instantly run over to try to comfort him anyway that they can. If he's in his swing, they will puch him. If he's in the bassinette, they have figured out the buttons to make it vibrate, make music. Today my 6 year old sang him a lullabye when he started to cry. He stopped crying and fell asleep. She felt so proud of herself for helping her little brother out!
My 3 year old stands and watches him and announces his every movement to us ... "Mom, he opened his mouth. Mom he moved his hand. Mom he looked at me. Mom, he sneezed." It's actually pretty darn cute.
I forgot how special nursing a baby can be. And how peaceful a baby looks as he lays in my arms sleeping. How awesome it is to see big siblings trying to take care of the new baby. How much more wonderful my husband seems when he tries to calm the baby down. How everything can seem so sweet and rosey and perfect and wonderful and loving and how everything can just seem so right in the world.

I also forgot how tired you can feel after a night of waking every 2 hours to nurse a baby. I forgot how sad I feel when my child is crying and I can't figure out how to calm him down. I forgot how it is hard to juggle the needs of the other 2 kids when baby kept me awake for 4 hours straight in the middle of the night. I forgot how scared I felt when dh left that first morning to go to work and it dawned on me that I was going to be alone that day! I forgot how sometimes it feels like the baby has been attached to me nursing nonstop for the whole day. Or that sometimes it feels like the fastest way to wake a sleeping baby is to try to lay down yourself!

But the sweet moments out number (and outweigh) the rough ones. And I have to say we have had 11 very sweet days so far with our newest little addition.

We're all adjusting to the new rhythm for the family. I am adjusting to the sleep for a bit, nurse for a bit, sleep for a bit, change diaper, nurse schedule! And so far he mostly sleeps between feedings during the night, but not all the time! And we've already had thrush (but it seems to have cleared up with some help from gentian violet). Right now we are trying to take care of a raging diaper rash he has that nothing seems to be helping with :-( The girls just love him and dote on him and are quite understanding of mom wanting to take a nap during the day. So, we've hit a few rough spots, but so far they have been few and far between. And we are all just enthralled with this new person in our house. He pretty much has all of us wrapped around his little finger ;-)

I am officially ...

a mother of three now!!
My precious baby boy was born on December 11 at 12:01 pm.
He was kind and I was only in labor for 2 hours! Yes, 2 hours! And for about the first hour I didn't even believe I was really in labor! Good thing my dh picked up on it faster than I did because we were only at the hospital for 45 minutes before he was born. If it were up to me, we probably wouldn't have even called the midwife until I was ready to push ROFL!!!
He also came one day before his due date. The little stinker ... I said I wanted the baby to come early and he did, but barely! He is a big boy - 8 pounds 9 ounces (my second largest baby was 7 pounds 8 ounces) so he beat out his sister by over a pound!
I still just look at him and feel in awe of his arrival. I can't believe it.
We had a beautiful birth ... my husband was able to catch him when he came out and then he lifted him up and we both looked and saw he was a he at the same time! It was just amazing. I still just can't believe it honestly!
He is a great little guy too. He sleeps pretty well. He is nursing well. We hit a bump before my milk came in (he was dehydrated) but now things are going very well. His sisters absolutely adore him (phew on that point!).
My 3 year old just looks at him and watches him. She also announces all his movements to us!! My 6 year old is so eager to help us with him and is just so thrilled she now has a brother!
I think everyone in the family is just tickled pink with his arrival =)

We are adjusting pretty well, although my dh has been home this entire week. Monday he goes back to work and admittedly, I'm nervous about that. I'm pretty tired myself honestly. But at least he is a good baby and I'm getting sleep at night. But of course, we have that cycle of sleep for a 1.5-2 hours, nurse/change diaper for 1/2 to an hour. Most times he does eat and go back to sleep, but a few times he has stayed awake for a while. It's great during the day, but last night he was awake from midnight to 2:30! But, honestly, he is such a good baby so far, that a few times he does that, it's not really that bothersome. He's just my little man! And I am so wrapped up in him right now!

I'm so ready ....

Despite having 20 days until my due date (oh, no, I'm not keeping track or anything at all LOL!) I am ready to have a baby.
I am emotionally ready and we are physically ready ... we have all the baby stuff, my bag is packed, we have plans and back-up plans for when it happens.
Now from this site: The Final 6 Weeks of Pregnancy: Taking Care of Yourself, and Preparing for Labor
it says:

Signs that Labor May Begin Soon / Has Begun.
Possible Signs that labor may begin in the next few days or weeks.
· Backache: Not the type of backache you have in late pregnancy that changes when you shift position, but an on-going dull ache that makes you restless and irritable. <- I am experiencing this · Cramps. Cramping in your belly that is mild to moderate in discomfort. <- I am experiencing this
· PMS symptoms: crabby, irritable. <- I am experiencing this ·
· Nesting Urge. A sudden irresistible urge to clean, or do projects to prepare for baby. <- I am experiencing this ·
· Frequent, soft bowel movements or diarrhea. Flu-like symptoms. <- I am experiencing this ·
If you have these symptoms, it doesn’t necessarily mean labor is going to start right away. It may be days or weeks before labor begins. These symptoms are just a good reminder to make sure you have everything prepared for labor and birth, and to make sure you know what other signs to be watching for. Don’t get overly excited, just continue your normal routine, get lots of rest, eat and drink well, and take care of yourself.

Preliminary Signs that labor may be about to begin.
· Bloody show. During pregnancy, cervix contains mucus, which may be released in late pregnancy. May be a thick ‘plug’ of pinkish mucus, which might come out when you use the toilet. May be thin, mucousy discharge on toilet paper. If there is more blood than mucus, call caregiver. (Note, it’s common to have a brownish, bloody discharge within 24 hours of a vaginal exam, or intercourse. Don’t mistake this for bloody show.) <- Pretty sure this happened already ·
· Water breaks:
o Trickle or a gush. If it’s just a little mucousy fluid, it may be mucous plug.
o Pay attention to what time it breaks, write down its color, odor, etc.
o Call your doctor. Usually (80% of the time), you will go into labor on your own in the next 24 hours.
· Braxton-Hicks Contractions. Also called “pre-labor” or “false labor” contractions. <- I am experiencing this ·
o Some women never experience these, some women may have them for weeks before labor begins.
o Pre-labor contractions don’t progress: they may be irregular, or may stay same length, strength, and frequency. May last for a short time, or for several hours. Some women even start to develop a pattern: with contractions every 6-7 minutes for 2-3 hours, which then stop again. <- I am experiencing this ·
o Discomfort is mostly felt in the front of the abdomen, as muscles tighten up. May feel like your belly is a basketball. <- I am experiencing this ·
o Contractions may stop if you walk, change position or change activity, eat, drink, or empty bladder.
o ‘False Labor’ doesn’t mean they don’t hurt, and it also doesn’t mean that they’re not doing anything. Although the contractions aren’t dilating your cervix yet, they are helping you to progress in other ways: moving the cervix to an anterior position, ripening and effacing the cervix.

Positive Signs of Labor. Labor has begun.
· Gush of amniotic fluid from vagina.
· Progressing contractions: Get longer, stronger, and/or closer together with time. Are usually described as ‘very strong’ or ‘painful’, felt in the abdomen, back, or both. May start in the back, and radiate around to front. Usually increase if you walk.
· Dilation of cervix seen in vaginal exam.

Okay, I get that having that happen doens't mean labor will start imminently or that labor is even close. But I really really really wish it did LOL!! I know my body is getting ready. Okay, so baby is still sitting high, but not as high as my others were at this point. Baby is head down. Stuff is happening. And no labor.

My dh of course, keeps saying that we will have a Thanksgiving baby (which I have to admit he has said almost since the day we found out I was expecting) so he is sticking to his version of labor. I guess I will just have to laugh if the baby does indeed appear on Thanksgiving. But at the same time, I'm trying ot tell myself the baby will be late, like the other two, and my body is getting ready now because it already knows what to do so it will happen sooner.
But I'm ready now. I've hit that wall ... I'm uncomfortable, I'm tired, I'm crabby, I keep getting all this false labor (which I think if I could just eliminate that I'd be fine becuase when it hits I keep wondering if it will turn into real labor).

Never fear, I won't be doing anything silly to try to get this baby out myself early. In fact, I won't be doing anything to try to get this baby out myself. I may be feeling ready, but I want the baby to be ready. That is more important than my comfort level ... well, at least that's what I say a million and one times a day to get me through the rough spots! Eh, it works sometimes, okay, most of the time it doens't, but I still keep saying it because I do believe it!

And who knows ... maybe my husband is correct. Maybe we will be having a thanksgiving baby afterall ... I suppose though, that means we should pick out names or something soon! LOL!

Good news!!!

The baby is NOT breech!
The midwife who originally said it was wrong ... and I stand by that, because I have been feeling this baby like crazy to try to figure it out for sure on my own.
I'm still upset about the midwife who said something to begin with about it (and yes, it has been marked in my chart and they know I'm not happy with that particular midwife).

I also gained a few pounds ... my bp was high for me (130/something that I now can't remember), but I know I was nervous about the u/s tonight becuase I was scared the baby would be breech, so we will chalk it up to that unless it's high again next time. My iron was borderline ... 10.1 (they don't want it below 10.0 they said) and 2 weeks ago it was 10.5. We have decided even though I am above 10.0, I'll start iron pills anyway. If nothing else since I have had trouble with losing too much blood with the previous two births, it can't help to bump up my levels now in case history repeats itself!

We went over my birth plan .. and they said everything I had in there was completely reasonable, in line with their philosophy and would not be a problem at this point! Yeah! And if the midwife I saw today is the person who delivers me, she said she is totally open to allowing my dh to get the baby when s/he is born! Dh said he wouldn't mind doing it, but will decide on the spot becuase he wants to be doing what I need him to be doing at the time of birth, but if all goes well he will more than likely catch the baby! I think that is so neat so I really hope it can happen!

So, overall a great appointment and I'm so happy the baby isn't breech. And I swear, if that one midwife is on-call when I start labor I'm crossing my legs ROFL!!!!

We also talked about some other things ... the midwife said that if she had to bet, she doens't think I'll make 40 weeks. She also said in the scheme of things, that means nothing, because obviously we can't see the future, but that's her feeling about me. Of course, dh has been saying that for like a month or 2 months now so he told her he thought they were both right about it ROFL!

We also discussed maybe inducing right at 40 weeks, instead of waiting until 42 (assuming no labor has started at that point). We will not make any formal decisions until my 40 week appointment because 1)their policy is no inductions prior to 40 without a medical necessity (and thankfully I don't have one) and 2)there is no point to plan inducement now if baby comes on his/her own OR I got into labor on my own anyway.
I feel torn. 50% of me says don't induce until 42 weeks because I want to go into labor on my own. But I admit, the other half says, if I'm 40 weeks, I'm looking ready, baby is looking ready, etc, maybe we should induce. My longest labor was 2 hours 45 minutes. My second labor was about 2.5 hours ... but that was from when they artificially broke my membranes until delivery. The catch is that when they broke my water, nothing actually started for about 30-45 minutes? Which means from the first contraction to delivery probably wasn't even a full 2 hours. Now, one fast birth, well, that wouldn't concern me so much, but 2 fast births? I admit I'm nervous I will be delivering on the side of the road. The other upside of the inducement is that way I get to pick who delivers me. Now, there are 8 midwives in the practice who could be on call. 3 I know, recognize and remember their names, 1 I have met for one appointment, but I honestly can't picture her face anymore. 1 is the one I don't like (and although I only saw her for one appointment as well, I certainly remember her and for all the wrong reasons), The rest work very part time and it would be unlikely that they would deliver me, but I haven't yet met them - not even once. So on the small chance that they are on call, well, I will basically have a complete stranger deliver me.
I will really have to think about this over the next month though. She said, even if we decide to induce ... it won't even be talked about until my 40 week appointment. I will really have to weight the pros and cons in my head about what to do now. OR maybe my dh is right, baby will come early, labor will start by itself and no decision will need to be made ROFL!!!! =)

Christmas cards ....

Okay, why are these comments being left with links to christmas cards? I have yet to actually click a link ... but is someone actually inserting it in the comments themselves, or is soem program that has infested the blogger site?

A good day!

Today was a good day for us!
We went and did the baby shopping we needed to (which really, wasn't that much, but we did get the basinette, which was the big thing I wanted). Okay. I am in love with my basinette. I just love it! LOL! Of course, it is all set-up and in our room, just waiting for a baby to be put in it! =)
I also hit the fabric store .. I have a few things I want to make.
And we went to Best Buy to get something and dh bought my Christmas present ... of course I have to wait until Christmas to get it and now, there is no surprise, but you know what, it's something I really wanted, and well, he can surprise me next year.

The bad news we heard today is that the gp's are probably not going to Florida this winter. First of all, I worry about their mobility once snow comes. Second, grandpa is prone to flu and pneumonia. And third, I'm selfish adn was looking forward to the house to ourselves. With a new baby coming and trying to figure out how the family will work with the new little one, it was just going to be nice to have our own space, our own house, our own room and all that jazz. Not to mention I didn't want to stress about the baby waking them in the middle of the night, or getting dressed for the first few weeks. I will be sleep deprived, not at my best, and just feeling tired I'm sure, and now they will be here to see it all. Not that they are looking over my shoulder to scrutinize me, but they will be here, looking over my shoulder none-the-less. I really hope that something happens and they do end up going, even if they leave late (which they already are since they usually go in mid-October to now) and we know they will be here at least through Thanksgiving.
On the good news, dh did some more work with his new business today and he is ready to take off with it. I have been doing what I can to help out (I even approached someone about it directly, which I was sooooo nervous about and good thing it was just through e-mail otehrwise I might have had a panic attack thinking about it!). LOL! But I did it, and even if that "lead" (I hate referring to a person as a lead -it's so impersonal :-( ) doens't work out, that's fine! I did try. Of course I want this to be successful because one - it means I get my new seewing machine (ROFL!), two - money won't be so tight around here and three - in the next 12 months we HAVE to either buy this house or buy another house. And frankly, I want some extra money to save towards the purchase of a house (and hopefully this house). So I am doing what I can to try to help this be successful. And we know several people now who have been successful with doing it so far, so that is exciting! I just hope and pray it works because it will go a long way for us, even with just a small income amount each month. So, here's hoping it works for us like it has for those we know! LOL!

Long week ...

This has been a long week for me. I don't know if I have a cold or if it's the pregnancy or what, but I feel like crud. I have been throwing up again :-( When I'm not throwing up, I just feel naseous anyway. No food tastes good, nothing settles my stomach. I have huge hot flashes and then all of a sudden I'll be freezing and then back to feeling like I'm standing in a fire.
I talked to my pcp, she said she is a bit worried because when I was there last week my blood sugar was quite low so she told me to modify my diet to raise it and keep it more steady. And hopefully that will help the way I am feeling. So I guess starting today I will be watching what I eat a lot more carefully - not that any food sounds good to me anymore right now though.
Tomorrow dh and I are supposed to go shopping for baby things that we need, so that will be done. Hard to imagine that on Monday I will be 35 weeks along! That's pretty darn close ... 5-7 weeks to go. Yikes! Next Friday I will get my ultrasound to see babies position since they aren't quite sure and one thinks baby is breech (I don't think so though!) But if baby is breech, then we will schedule the version which means baby could theoretically be here in 2-3 weeks. That's really soon. I don't know if I'm ready ....
Other than that, we are just plugging along each day. My oldest completely finished her Awana book for the year and is so proud of herself. I'm proud of her too ... lots of things she memorized and she can say about 95% of them still (which I was worried that she would memorize them for the one night and then forget them, but that seems to not be the case).
My youngest started a park district class this week and is so proud of herself and loving it. I think it's cute =) And I'm glad she is enjoying it.

And here is my dh's new website: http://www.xoomaworldwide.com/EBLCreative
We have spoken to a few people who are actually making money now too so that is good news. We have both tried the X2O now and it doesn't taste bad or gross or yucky! I use one sachet a day myself ... I figure if anything it's worth it to me for the calcium alone. Since I don't drink milk, I gotta get it in other places! LOL!
Anyway, like I said, we'll see what happens with this ... of course I want it to work because then I get a big toy that I want ;-) Teheheeh!

I survived!

Yes, I survived! The party was a success, although the birthday girl showed up an hour late ::sigh::
But it was still a success none-the-less and I survived! The clean-up was not so bad. A few people helped and what was left was quite manageable. Although admittedly, I did not vacuum until this morning and just skipped it yesterday.
It was a nice party, she was quite surprised, and I think everyone had a good time. But I am glad it is over. It really did wear me out. And the morning on Sunday had a few snags (I was fighting back tears at least 3 times). Once the party started and things were going, I sat in a room where I could be almost isolated. A few people came in and and chatted with me for a bit, but basically I just wanted to sit and unwind and honestly, I was not in the mood for socialization! LOL! But overall it was a good party.

Yesterday was another long day of course with trick or treating. We were out for about an hour getting candy and then came home and had pizza. We walked with an aunt and 3 of her kids and the neighbors with their 2 kids. So everyone had fun getting candy and dressing up and all that jazz!
But by the time we got home I was glad because the baby was starting to feel pretty darn heavy by that time.

Then my husband was so cute. He worked late last night (Mondays he works 12-8 instead of a 9-5 shift). So he called to say good-night to the girls and after he talked with them he chatted with me. Our conversation:
Him: "How are you feeling tonight? I'm sure you're glad that it's bedtime after the last few days but how are you doing?"
Me: "I'm good, just tired is all."
Him: "So, you don't think you're going to go into labor or anything like that with all you've been doing for the last week?"
Me: "No! I'm pretty sure there will be no labor coming in the next few weeks but thanks for asking!"
I got a chuckle out of it all and I thought it was pretty cute and sweet of him. I think he's really worried about when this baby is coming. This weekend we are heading to Babies-R-Us to get as many of the things for baby as we can get. I'm kind of glad because I'm ready to get things ready for this baby. And I think it's cute he's so worried about it and just wants to get everything ready now just in case. It's why I love him so much though =)

And on the good side, one of his part-time jobs has ended completely and the other part-time job he is done with 95% of what he needs to do. So now we should have more time ... although his Xooma water mix came yesterday so he'll start to work on that, but I don't anticipate that taking too much time honestly. Maybe initially, but I'm not worried about it. I think the key is to get a good base of customers that will re-order. It is interesting. We have our samples we will be trying later today to see how it tastes. I'm curious ... it has calcium, magnesium and a bunch of other stuff in it, and if it tastes good, I think I might start to drink it! It looks interesting and so we'll see how it goes!

Almost there ...

In just over 12 hours, it will be party time.
I am feeling good about this party. The cake has been picked up. All the major cleaning has been done (tomorrow we will have to go over a few surfaces just to touch up and vacuum, but that's it for cleaning).
That means the big thing tomorrow will be setting up furniture (moving a few things around and putting up table/chairs), picking up the food, preparing food that we didn't buy (which I did most of it tonight), decorating and hopefully just enjoying the party.

Here's the thing that kind of sucks. My oldest dd's birthday was Friday. We did what we could to make her day special of course. We met daddy at work and did lunch with him (since he did not get home until after her bed time), she got a present from us and a present from her sister. We sang to her, she got some phone calls, not a bad day. But not a great day :-( No cake for her on that day and I'm kind of sad about it. The good news is that she is not sad! And she knows she is having a party in a few weeks for close family. So that is the good news. I just feel like in the craziness of everything else, her birthday took a back seat to it all. Well, I don't feel like that happened. I know it happened. I'm glad she doesn't mind. She is actually very excited about the surprise party tomorrow, which makes me happy! And in a few weeks we will have balloons and cake and ice cream for her, and she is happy so I should be happy too.

Anyway, here's hoping I survive tomorrow! And it all goes as planned and nothing happens to derail anything!

YIIIIIIIIIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE

THEY DID IT! YEAH! THE WHITE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES IN A SWEEP!!
I'm so proud of my hometeam! Woo-hoo for them!!! =)
I haven't been to many games, but I remember the first one my dad took me to =) Oh, I'm just so happy for them! =)

Close ...

Not an actual ear infection, but she said it was benign ::insert some word similar to position here that i can't remember:: vertigo due to inflamation in the inner ear. Basically, the crystal/fluids in my inner ear aren't working and hence the spinning. And apparently I have a cold on top of it that just started at the same time? I get to take lovely motion sickness pills for it for the next 10 days. She drew blood to double check something (I think she said electrolytes) and I'll go back in a week to make sure all is okey-dokey.
The lovely (said sarcastically) part was that she whipped my head a couple of times to check for reactions! When she did it to the right I thougth I was going to die! LOL! But at least we know what it is and hopefully the spinning feeling will stop!

And on another note, that I forgot to mention yesterday ... my dh signed up to sell a product for a company that does work at home type jobs. The start-up fee was 50 bucks and he will need to make 100 calls to get started ... so not too much money and just a bit of time. He decided to do it becuase *if this can make money, he can take the job he really wants (but isn't offering him enough money to make it feasible to actually take it without getting a second job). So, his uncle told him about it, and he decided why not? It isn't too risky really. We won't become millionares and don't expect to rake in that much (although according to their sales pitch, we could make 100,000 a year with only a few hours a week of work! Which both of us doubt that will happen! LOL!) But it should help and maybe he can take his dream job afterall. But, he said, if he can make 10,000 (unless it takes like 5 years) then he will buy me the embroidery machine I want with the money!! Woo-hoo! I told him he only said that with the hopes that I might help him out with it! ROFL! Because I originally said that I he could do it all he wanted, but I didn't want to help out at all ... but with the posibility of a new machine, well, how could I not help out. Sneaky little devil! So here's to hoping that this works and actually makes money (not a million, but enough for him to be able to take his dream job and me to get my machine) ... and hey, if you are interested in making money while working from home, let me know! I'll update in a month maybe to say if he is actually making money and how it is going, and seriously ... if it is going well and you are interested, let's talk! LOL! =)

Here we go again ...

I'm sick ... again.
What is going on? I think this pregnancy has killed my immune system. I'm not very happy about this at all.
I'm pretty sure it's an inner ear infection. I will go to my primary care physician tomorrow am to make sure and get some meds for it. I'm sure it would go away on it's own without meds, the problem is I think it's inner ear because I'm getting dizzy spells. I feel like I'm on a boat and it's a rocking and a rolling. It just hits me out of nowhere. One minute I'm fine and the next I'm bracing myself. Not that I get so dizzy that I feel like I'm going to fall down or pass out or anything like that, but it's enough to make it hard to do anything really constructive. I had to stop school with my dd today because I couldn't really read anything to her! But we were able to finish later (the beauty of homeschooling!). I did get a lot of good cleaning done today as well. So, I'm on track with my schedule for the party, which is good. One less thing to worry about over the next few days ... as long as I can keep on my schedule, all things will be good. And I was supposed to be out of the house for a good portion of tomorrow, but I cancelled it all (yeah, I figured not driving while getting random dizzy spells might be a wise decision!) So I will try to push through a bunch of laundry tomorrow and get ahead on the whole cleaning schedule. It's so sad that is the most exciting news in my life right now I think!
Anyway, my White Sox are finally about to win game number 3(I hope anyway ... provided they can keep the Astros from scoring) so with that I'm off and hopefully going to bed soon!)

Getting kind of stressed ...

Okay, big party is on Sunday .. that's not even a full week away! I'm starting to feel really stressed about it all! I have the basement pretty much ready to go (which was the one spot in the house that required more than just moving a few peices of furniture and regular cleaning) so that is good, becuase that is the big thing I needed to have done. Now it's just cleaning the first floor and second floor this week. And the garage needs to be done. Ugh. That will be quite a chore, and one I cannot physically do by myself frankly.
the good news is that I have help lined up to come over Sunday morning. I will do all that I can prior to that, but basically I'm leaving the garage for him to do.
Of course, this whole week is so busy anyway, even without a party to get ready for. But if I can survive this week, I think the rest of the year will be easy by comparison LOL!
Of course, next week, we will be kicking into getting ready for baby mode. Dh will have only one job starting Monday (poor guy's been doing 1 full time and 2 part time jobs!) so he will finally really be here. I'm pretty sure baby is still breech. Which is annoying as I've been doing all the breech turning exercises ... that claim to have 80-90% success rate in only 5 days. @@ Well apparently not for me. (and oh, no more laying on an ironing board for me. I switched to other exercises to do that seemed less dangerous!) We'll see what they say on Friday. I'll get to see probably another midwife I've never met before and get yet a third opinion about it. My guess is the next one will probably not worry too much - seeing as I'll be 33W4D and my guess is she'll say don't worry until 36/37 weeks. But last time I was 31W4D and that midwife seemed all worried about it and wanted me to try to get baby turned before the next appointment.
Oh well.
Anyway, it seems my week this week will be full of cleaning, errand-running, shopping, AND the same old activities: ballet, PT, midwife appointment, watching other kids AND we have granny's birthday, my oldest dd's birthday, and a birthday party to attend on Saturday. I'm dreading it all already! LOL!

Another week over ...

Well, almost.
This weekend will continue to be very busy for us, but we will survive.
The good news is that I have my 5 year old's bday gifts bought. I have picked up a few more Christmas items as well. I managed to get my oldest dd's pictures taken today and we picked up younger dd's pictures while there.
The bad news is that there is still a ton of things to do! LOL! Of course, the big party we are hosting is just over a week away. Today I did order the cake. I will order the food tomorrow. I am probably going to order all of it, even though it might be cheaper to make some of it, I just don't even want to deal with it frankly. After the party, it will be time to finish Christmas items, wrap Christmas items, and basically get this house ready for a baby!
Aside from all of that, my kids are both doing well. They are both constantly amazing me!
My oldest is really into Awana this year. She has 2 more jewels to earn and she is done with the big for the year. Yes, she will complete the year's work in 2 months! It's a lot of memorization, and we run through all the stuff she has memorized so far several times a week, and she actually retains it! She isn't just learning it for one night and forgetting. After completing the book once, she may complete it again and then if she can do that, she will get another book to complete!
Not only that, but she is flying through math ... money is now learned! We are flying through time ... her addition facts are coming along. I just can't believe how well she is doing.
Reading is going fabulously. She can actually read a few of the books that we own and is SO proud of that fact. Heck, I'm proud for her! She is 70% f the way through her learning to read book.
We are struggling with normal kid stuff though .. interuptions, not really paying attention as she dances around the house (which has caused more than one spill, mess, fall, etc) and her newest habit is to constantly make noise ... clicking, popping, humming, just noise! It does drive me crazy sometimes, but I hope it's an age thing and not a lifelong habit she will have LOL!
My youngest is being so cute and sweet and such a toddler these days! She has actually heard her sister practice some things so much that she is reciting things! LOL! Not that she knows what half of it means, but she's starting to repeat 10's, 5's, 2's, Awana verses, poems that my oldest is learning. It's so cute and it does also blow my mind away. And of course, my oldest feels important because she's "teaching" her little sister things! Potty training has finally clicked for her. We aren't 100% there, maybe only 60% ... but at least she understands what she is doing now and that is all I need at this point. I think she is a bit fearful of pooping on the potty, so that's our biggest issue, but I have no doubt it will all click very soon. She's so cute now too, it's crazy! She's just at that phase where with her voice and her mannerism, no matter what she does, it's cute. I remember my oldest being in that phase too ... I love it! The sweet voices, hte cute expressions ... awww! Warms my heart.
Okay, that's it for today.

More complaining ...

Geeze, at this point, some of you probably think that's all I do these days! Granted, I do do my fair share of complaining, I don't do it all the time, but I try to get it all out here if possible LOL!
Anyway, I was sick over the weekend. It wasn't pleasant, let's put it that way. And I had to stay near the bathroom. And I had a lot of cramping, which did slightly worry me. Other people in my house have been sick, but nothing of the stomach virus until it apparently hit me, and well, of course these days no matter what happens, my first thought is if labor is coming! But alas, I was just sick. It passed and yesterday I was okay, but tired. Then at dinner, my stomach felt like it was going to explode. Then a little while later I could feel my sinus's dripping. At around 3 am, as I was still tossing and turning I felt the sore throat start, swallowing became painful and a headache started. Ugh. Why me? Why 2 different virus/colds in just a short week? I think I have enough going on right now with the back pain, pelvic pain, skin stretching, not being able to fit even some of my maternity clothes, being kicked and punched from the inside out and all that jazz! So today the goal is to drink tons and tons of water, rest a lot, and maybe breath some steam should my throat get even more sore.

On top of all of that, I decided to start my exercises to turn a breech baby. I don't know why honestly. I only hit 32 weeks yesterday. But at my last appointment, the midwife told me to start them now and made a huge deal out of the fact that the baby was probably still breech. Of course, when I went there at 29 weeks, the other midwife seemed to think it was no big deal until at least 36 weeks and I really didn't need to do anything about it -- how's that for opposite ends of the spectrum with the breech issue? But I guess the exercises can't hurt and so I figured I would start them. Yeah, laying on an ironing board, upside down ... ummm, who ever the heck decided that would be a wise thing to advise a pregnant woman to do? Well, first of all, I could barely get on it and lay down without killing myself. Then I had huge blood rush to my head after only a few moments and getting off of the iron board was probably slightly more dangerous than getting on it. And they want me to do that 2-3 times a day for 10-15 minutes?! I don't think so. I will look into some of the other exercises recommended to try to turn a breech baby. Which is almost silly, as I think the baby is head down already and I don't believe I'm far enough along to even worry about it. But I'll play along as long as it doesn't require an ironing board anymore! LOL!
Which of course leads me to the next point, If I were not 32 weeks already and closer to 20 weeks, I think I would honestly switch practices. I'm not happy with this one anymore. On the very weird off chance I should ever become pregnant again (which has about as much chance of happening as pigs flying according to my husband) I would not go back. When I started there in April, they had 4 midwives. Great. It was larger than what I wanted, but I did want to have midwifery care with this pregnancy and so I was willing to compromise on having 2, maybe 3 care givers and go with 4. Well 2 of the mdwives delivered babies this summer, so they brought in 2 more midwives to use during their maternity leave and are keeping them on when the other 2 return (which they probably have or will be doing soon). So, the total was 6. Then at one point I went in and noticed they hired 2 more. Putting them at 8. Then they added one more. There are now 9 midwives there. Each one has a slightly different philosophy than the others and some have wildly differently philosophies from each other. I still have not even met all 9 midwives and we're 8 weeks from my due date. I do not like having 9 people ... I hardly know any of them and were I to go into labor now, I would probably not be able to link the faces of the midwives to their names, nor do I think I would even recognize all but 2 or 3 of them by face. I do not like it one bit. I was talking to dh about it last night, and he agrees that there are too many opinions and too many people and even he asked if it was too late to switch to another practice. I was talking to someone else who uses them for a current pregnancy and she is feeling in a similar manner to me - too many people, too many opinions, and not a feeling of continuity in care. Ugh. I don't want to have to worry about it. And I'm banking on a short labor like the other two, and at this point, I will rely mostly on dh to get me through it. But I am very unhappy with my care. I am going to discuss this issue with htem (probably via letter). My dh even had a great idea. He thinks they should break into 3 teams of 3 midwives and each patient should be assigned a team. Then you would just wokr with those 3 midwives for most of the pregnancy so you can feel like you actually get to know the person who will be delivering your baby. Sounds like a nice idea to me frankly! I would be a lot happier with a method like that!

Okay ... anyway, I think that's enough babbling and venting and complaining from me right now! I'm off to try to get some more rest and feel better!

Misc. Items ...

Well, let's see. Time is for me, thankfully, starting to fly by.
Where to begin? Well, I have my oldest dd's 6th birthday on the 28th, I'm helping throw a surprise 40th birthday party on the 30th (but really, I'm helping a 14 year old throw it, so basically I'm doing most of it LOL!), then we have Halloween on the 31. For the rest of October I have PT appointments weekly. I have another midwife appointment on the 28. My oldest has classes every Monday from 10-2, then she has ballet on Thursday early evening, Awana Thursday evenings. We school Tuesday-Friday, and lately have been also doing things on the weekends. Now, this is all combined with normal household items - cleaning, laundry, and planning what exactly we will be doing for school.
Not to mention this month, I need to get oldest dd's pictures taken, although I have started Christmas shopping, I need to get going on that. I want to have the address lables for Christmas cards/birth announcements done.
Then we hit November. I am positive my PT will continue weekly through November, as well as classes, ballet, Awana, and our school work. I will need to finish up any Christmas shopping I have not yet completed, schedule (or take myself) pictures to go in Christmas cards, do all the Christmas cards, wrap all Christmas presents, get baby items set-up and ready to go. Not to mention, Thanksgiving happens around then. And I will go back to the midwife for the 2nd week fo November, and at that point, I will switch to weekly appointments! (Yes, I will just be living at various medical professional offices) as I also have a cavity I need to take care of. After Thanksgiving, it will be time to decorate for Christmas, and towards the start of November, the gp's will be leaving for Florida, so I will be in charge of cooking again!
Then we hit December. All Christmas stuff must be finished. School, awana, ballet, and classes will continue. Mailing of Christmas letters (and finishing them up if necessary will need to take place). I presume, but am not sure I will continue with PT, and weekly midwife appointments. Should the baby not arrive by December 12, I begin twice-weekly midwife appointments. Dh's family is over here for Christmas eve, so with or without baby, getting ready for that and planning all that I can in advance. And provided baby doesn't come 2 weeks late (which I'm not holding my breath for) I will have an infant to take care of. The person who is supposed to take my kids when I go to have baby may now be moving so maybe won't be able to take them! So, I have to find a plan 2 - although I know the neighbor across the street would help out and I have another aunt I can call should I need to, and my parents will help out as well, although they are far away, so it would require shuffling of the kids!
OMG! That is a lot to do, and I'm sure that's not even most of it, if half of it! But the good news is that it's keeping me busy. And it's kind of nice to have a lot of things to do becuase it is helping the time fly by.
Right now I am trying to get this basement in order (where most of our stuff is) because it doens't require a lot of moving things around so much as finding a spot for everything and putting it away in a neat and organized fashion (yes, that is a difficult concept for me LOL!). Not only that, but my kids know that in the next week (and hopefully tomorrow) we will be sorting through all of their toys ... to put them away nicely and to pick some to get rid of. We are overflowing again and we need to thin things out. Then the big thing will be to do a deep cleaning of this house for the big birthday party on the 30th. Which should tide us over until deep cleaning for the Christmas party.
In November when dh doesn't have to work every single day, 7 days a week, we will rearrange our room and set-up areas for baby to 1)sleep and 2)put baby's clothes and items! And he'll probably have a list of things to fix, repair, change, and help me with at that point!
Hmmm ... not sure there is enough things to do right now. Maybe I should add more things to my plate (actually, I might add a bday party for my oldest but I'm not sure LOL!)
Okay ... off to get some work done I guess! I surely have enough things to keep me busy! LOL!

Another appointment down ....

Man, I feel like I was just at the doctor ... oh wait, probably because I was! Switching to 2 week appointments sure does help the time fly by.
Gained a few more pounds ... so total weight gain is 14 pounds. She measured the fundal height at 33.5! LOL! Not that I put any stock into it ... but it's only 2 weeks "over" which last time I was 1 week "under"! See, never perfect, no matter how hard I try hehehe ;-)
Anyway, the midwife I saw today was pretty sure the baby was in a breech position. I swear that the baby is not in a breech position. So one of us is wrong, and well, if I had to bet, I'd bet I was wrong because she's felt a lot more babies than I have. But man, that just stinks. I want the baby to be head down right now. I know I'm not far enough along to worry, but yet, I do. It's just who I am.
But I go back in 2 weeks ... and we'll see what they say then about everything!

So not ready ...

My dh has been talking about looking into getting a new job. He even already had one interview. I've known for some time he has been unhappy at his current job. I understand. Sometimes I hate his job! So it's no wonder that he would dislike it too.
And it's not even that he dislikes it per se. But the hours are very inconvenient and the atmosphere isn't exactly ideal. He really actually enjoys the work, just not the time and the atmosphere in which he must complete the work.
Anyway, we've talked about it. We've discussed. He told me he was going to discuss it with his current boss. I agreed it would be a wise idea. Except I thought, when he said he was going to discuss it with his boss, he meant he would tell his boss the time/environment was becoming an issue and see what happened from there ...
He meant that he was going to tell his boss he needed to be replaced. So my dh has now given notice to his current company. The deal is that he's giving them 2 weeks until he starts to look for new work. While he is looking, they will theoretically be looking for his replacement (but someone else important in the company left not too long ago and they still haven't started looking for a replacement @@) Anyway, he told them when he finds a new job, he will let them know. In the meantime he will still work and give it his all and if they find someone he will train them. So the goal now is for him to find a job before they replace him and let him go. I don't think that will be that hard, especially given how the company has treated the other vaccancy they have had. But I mean wow. It's all going ot happen. Theoretically I could be giving birth the same time my dh is starting a new job.
I admit, I'm nervous. I'm very nervous. But my dh is not a person who makes rash decisions ... he thinks through all the pros and cons and I trust him to not do anything that would really hurt us in the long run and so I support this move. I'm just still shocked by it. I mean, I guess I knew it was coming, but maybe sort of hoping it wouldn't come now. I'm 31 weeks pregnant and the hormones are pretty all over the place right now.

Aside from that, my oldest is very ill. 104.5 was her fever at 3:00 pm today. Lovely. Normally, I don't get worried about fevers, but yeah, the 104.5 did kind of freak me out. Needless to say, we did go to the doctor as the way she was complaining made me wonder if strep was the dx. But the strep test came back negative, so maybe it's just a flu? Lots of acheness, the fever, the fatigue, etc. She had started to perk up prior to bedtime though, so maybe it's a 24 hour flu ... or at least I can hope so ;-)

And other than that, things are just plugging along. I'm 31 weeks along. 9 weeks to go ... that's not too much time. Although, I'm still banking on 11 weeks to go because I don't think this baby will actually come on time. Everything is still sore and it all still hurts. Baby is as active as ever. But, the good news is that baby is head down right now ... so as long as s/he stays that way, I'll be happy! This baby is also low, but not like the baby has dropped-low. I've been very very fatigued lately. I think I'm going to request iron levels be checked at my next appointment (which happens to be Friday). I did buy some iron pills today. I'll start them tomorrow and see if they help at all. I just feel like I can't function some days because the fatigue is soooo much. Which I know it's normal to be tired now, but this feels like it goes beyond tired. So I'm hoping something can help that out.
I still feel like I have a million and one things to do around the house, so I need to get motivated to have energy to get everything done. I think if I can just get energy back, I can really kick some butt on doing all the things I want to do around here! And that would be such a nice thing =)

Well, enough prattling on from here.

Rough day today ...

Well, it started as a normal day, but it didn't stay fun.
I don't know what happened ... if I did too much, if I got dehydrated, but man, early evening the contractions started. Painful, but not regular. I had about 4 an hour for a few hours ... not the 5 needed to call the midwives (which I'm glad for because that means it wasn't really anything to be that concerned with). All I know is at about 7:30 I got off my feet and started to guzzle water like there was no tomorrow. And when I say a lot of water, I mean a lot of water ... roughly 125 ounces in the last 5 hours. Good news is that the contractions have stopped. The bad news is that I have a killer headache that makes me want to scream and I feel sick to my stomach (gee, maybe because it's going to explode from all the water @@)
Ugh. I have to admit, I did start to get very nervous earlier tonight. I don't even want to think about what would happen should labor *really start. I know what happened tonight was not real labor, but I tell you what, with how I was feeling ... for a tiny bit of time, I was really starting to wonder if I would end up in the ER by the time this night ended. I am trying so hard not to worry about things ... and I think I have done well with controlling it through much of the pregnancy, but it's just getting to the point where I'm starting to feel out of control with the worrying again. It's not a fun feeling either. I don't like it and I know I have to start working to get it under control.
There are just too many things going on in life right now ... that's the problem. I feel over-loaded. I need a break, to get away from it all for about 48 hours - to have nothing to think about, nothing to do, nothing to plan, no lists to make, etc, etc. I also know that won't be happening for quite some time.
Oh well, I will get through it. And hopefully tomorrow will be a better day ... that is if I can get some sleep tonight between all the times I will have to go pee!

Finally did it ...

Today I did something I've been saying I would do for a year. I took my children to church. I had found this church via the internet a while ago. I had been saying we would go, and saying it. But I had one convenient excuse after another after another. Really, it was becuase the thought of walking into a new church caused me so much anxiety that I figured if just thinking about it was that bad, well, I'd probably pass out from nerves actually doing it.
Then my oldest for Awana, is supposed to try to go to Sunday school two weeks in a row (they did give her an alternate verse to learn if she didn't go since really that would be the parents fault) but I just figured it was time to finally step up and go.
So we did it today. And I was very nervous, but excited. I was sure this was going to be the church that we would eventually call "home."
Well first, let me say, that everyone was very nice and very friendly. And I should know becuase it is a very small church and I pretty much was introduced to everyone there. Not that there is anything wrong with a tiny church, but it really just felt too small (by small I mean a congregation of maybe 30?). Secondly, my children went to the childrens church. On the way home they informed me that they had eated 2 cupcakes, about 4 cookies, some candy, lots of juice and a few other snacks. Yeah ... at 10:45-11:45 am, that is what my kids apparently ate. Umm, not that it will kill them, but does that happen every week? Why did they get so many sweet/sugary things? I wasn't exactly impressed.
But here's the biggest thing ... I didn't know what the pastor's message was. He was kind of all over the place ... making a small point about this thing, and a small point about that thing, but yet, I couldn't figure out the unifying message of the overall theme. I felt parts of what he was saying were hard to follow and understand (I seriously wondered if he just started inserting random thoughts just for the heck of it). The other thing was that he made the comment that the more faith we have, the more God will reward us. That's when I felt like, okay, the other stuff I could deal with or maybe it's an off week, or whatever ... but that, well, I can't swallow that. I do not beleive God looks down, ranks the amount of faith we have and then blesses us based on that scale. I think you either have faith or you don't have faith. That's it: 2 options. It's there or it's not there. I don't believe in thinking John has more faith than Sue. but Sue has more faith than Fred. And I certainly don't believe we get things in life based on the amount of faith that we have.
I have a friend who advised trying a church 3 times before making a judgement about returning or not. I'll be honest ... I have no desire to go back next week. Honestly, I don't want to be a part of a church that is going to preach the more faith you have the more rewards you will recieve from God. I don't want to be a part of a church where my kids will get more sugar in one week than I have given them in the last few weeks. I don't want to be a part of a church that is that tiny honestly! Okay, I could get over the size if that was the only issue, but it isn't the only issue. I feel torn .. like I should go back next week just to see, but yet at the same time, I think the whole faith/reward issue is something that won't change for me or them and even if he gives the best sermon next week, it won't change the fact that I just can't agree with that point.

Regardless, I went to a church today. I didn't explode. I didn't have a panic attack that anyone had to dial 911 for! My kids did not self-destruct or have trouble. So, I guess, if I have to go somewhere else next week, I can do it without being quite so nervous.
But of course, that means, that I have to start looking for another church in the area to go to.