I had hoped ...

that today would be a better day.
It however, so far, is not a better day. At least it's not any worse.
Yesterday my son learned how to move the gate from the stairs. Of course the first 2 times he did it, I yelled at my other two kids accussing them of leaving the gate open to begin with. But after the third and fourth time I help my mouth and wondered if he did in fact do it himself and for the next 1000 times after that I decided he could, in fact, do it himself.
He also learned to climb on the kitchen chairs, climb on the table and learned all about dumping out cups (thankfully only of water).
He also learned how to reach the phone and randomly dialed a few people. He also reached my computer (but thankfully did no damage there). He has learned how to scale a big higher in the pantry, he can open the cabinent locks about 50% of the time. Until yesterday, I thought we had all the major areas he shouldn't touching under control. And yesterday was the day he learned to overcome our attempts at controlling them.
All I did was chase him around and keep him out of places and clean up messes and change clothes and diapers. On top of that, my 4 year old had a few accidents of her own, and an extra child we were watching decided to go into our bathroom, try out all our toothbrushes and toothpaste.
It really was not a peaceful day around here, which meant I was not able to find peace. I do not have the ability to step back in chaos, take a few deep breaths and relax. Oh how I pray that I could master that skill, but I can't even start it, let alone master it at this point.

When babyboy went to bed last night for the first time, I tried to regain control of the house so that today would go much smoother. He broke through the first few attempts within 10 minutes of waking up this am. Much to dismay. I think I have finally hit upon the right combination of blockade techniques and he's been locked in one room for several hours straight now. I am praying he doens't figure out how to move our current blocks before moving .... which I might add, when we move we will have the option to use real babyproofing items - the kinds that screw into cabinents to keep them from being opened and gates that are screwed into the wall and not just leaned against the wall or sandwiched between chairs, and that will go leaps and bounds towards containing my very curious, my very gifted climber, my son who wants to touch everything and climb everything and figure out how everything in this world around him works. Because I figure once we get permanent measures put up, it will take him at least 3 months to figure out how to work them.

So yesterday I had all that going on - keeping up with him - which made me feel like a horrible mother. I can't even keep control of my 1 year old. He is 14 months old for goodness sake! You'd think I'd have a bit of control over him. I feel like I have none. And so because I can't keep him on the floor of just one room, I have to give up paying attention to the other two. Whihc makes me feel like an even lesser mother. And then I can't get anything done around the house except just taking care of the major spills/unclean areas as he creates them. So now I feel like a carppy housekeeper, which makes me feel like a crappy wife. And then to top it off, I have to hear from others just how easy it is to take care of all their wonderful children who never misbehave ever and how they would just die if their precious darling husbands had to come home, after working so hard all day long, and ::gasp:: cook their own dinner! And have to help fold laundry! Oh. My. Goodness. That would be Horrible. Just horrible! They would never get over the guilt of doing it to him.

Okay, well, apparently I can't be friends with them. Becuase that happens, roughly twice a week around this house. And sometimes I even count down the minutes untl bedtime. Until they might all be sleeping and I can sit. Just sit for a few minutes. Sit. Sit and think. WTF is wrong with me? Why do some people make it seem so darn easy. Like they have 8 arms and perfect children. Why can't I do that? Why can't my house be spotless all the time? Why can't my kids it still for more than 23 seconds before the wiggling and the bouncing and the rocking and the movements all kick in? Why doens't my one year old sleep through the night yet? Why does the laundry seem to multiply overnight? The dust bunnies also multiply at night? What am I doing wrong that my household is not a smooth running household and my children are not poster kids for how to behave?

These are the feelings I deal with on an almost daily basis. And I have very few places to turn and talk about it, because most people gasp in horror if I even attempt to start to share. Like I am this good-awful mother/wife and my poor family has to deal with me.

I don't know. I need to figure out a way to lessen the chaos here. And I think I need to find a few other people who feel the same way. So that I don't feel so alone in the world. So I don't feel like everyone else is sailing by on a cruise ship full of laughter and happiness, and I'm floating along on a rowboat desperately trying to not lose the oars.