Melting ...

I'm melting. And no,it's not cause Dorothy just dumped water on me! I wish... with all this heat, a bucket of water would feel very nice! LOL!
It's so hot here. And I know it's hot in a lot of other places. And some places are even hotter than we are (hugs to all you people who have hotter weather than me). But I was not made to stand 100 degree weather. Yikes. So crazy.
Anyway, so I still want to move. It's been slightly more than a week and I'm ready to go. I keep telling dh that cause he thinks as we get farther and farther from vacation I will change my mind. Or the more I think about it, the more I'll change my mind. Hmmm ... we'll see, but so far, still liking the option of moving.
Nothing else going on here. I did realize the other day I have no language arts for my 6 year old. So, I guess I will be checking out first grade language arts programs for her. But I'm not too worried. I have the reading side covered ... it's the writing side, so it's not like if we started our year tomorrow we would have nothing, kwim?
Speaking of kids, my middle child will be 4 in like a month and half! Holy cow! Where did the time go? I can't believe she will be 4. She has requested a Froggy-themed party. Second was Care Bears. I tried so hard to convince her of care bears, but nope. Her mind is made up. And seeing as she will be 4 soon, I will let her pick and so frogs it will be! I guess she will start her next year of life off hopping!
Babyboy is good. We have a semi-schedule going with him and nights are getting much better. He also taking some food aside from nursing which is helping me feel better. I just couldn't/can't keep up with his demands. He doens't even do a full jar of babyfood a day, so he's not taking a bunch, but maybe 3/4 of the jar and it's enough to tide him over. Although we were given the jars and I dont' really want to have to buy more, so as soon as heat wave passes, I'll be pureeing (really botched that word I think!) my own fruits/veggies for him and trying to get him maybe to do foods with a thicker texture. We'll see - but for now, I'm pretty pleased with where we are with him.
Anyway, that's my happy update for now. I guess the biggest thing is it's still a happy update. I still feel refreshed and able to handle life - which is good, because we tend to be very hectic around here most days!

Wasting time ...

I made a list of all the things I would like to accomplish by roughly Halloween - yes it was a LONG list - and yet, here I sit on the computer wasting time.
Procrastination has been my specialty lately. I have procrastinated on pretty much every little thing and even a few big things that I'm actually quite embarassed about procrastinating on :-( But I don't know, I'm having a hard time actually facing the things i have to do. It seems we are in a period of huge transition and a lot of what I need to do represents change coming or loss of something or gain of something. And the losses are sad - very sad, but the changes and the gains aren't sad. They are just different and well, different scares me. It terrifies me to the point of paralysis. And although I'm kind of speaking figuratively, I'm really not. I mean, I write these lists. I think about doing these things. I want to do these things. I start to do these things. Then I stop because I can find something else to do or something else that should be done first, or that isn't the most important thing so I'll stop that to start this, but this isn't the most important thing so I'll stop this to start the other, etc, etc.
Hopefully though, my HUGE list will be my motivation. I'm calling it my "Fall To Do List" and so hopefully my making such a broad list that spans a few months it will give the ability to do things slowly, in my own way, but yet allow me to finish them and feel a sense of accomplishment. Well I can hope anyway!

Do I or Don't I ...

comment on current news? I haven't really done it in the past, but I don't know ... hmmm ... thinking about this ;-)

Big decisions ahead ...

Well, vacation was so much fun that it might leave more of a lasting impression than just memories and photographs. Dh and I have been talking and talking and talking and talking ... lots of talking lately, about picking up the family and moving to the New Hampshire/Southern Maine area. This would be quite the move and jump for us - going from a Chicago suburb to New Hamshire. Dh doubts my ability to actually survive a move like that, given most of our family (I'd say 90%) is here in the Chicago area. That said, we know that we will probably face a lot of negativity from said family in the area if we were to pick up and move.
But I have to tell you, moving out there seems right to me now and even dh agrees.
We have a lot to think about though - I've never wintered there, and we have a lot to research:

• job market,
• cost of average homes
• homeschooling there,
• doctors,
• dentists,
• will my teaching certificate transfer,
• what is the average income vs. cost of living,
• finding new friends for us and the children,
• what if my dd is in fact dx with something that will require therapy and intervention - can the services be found out there as well
• can I survive without my family close
• how often will we be able to fly back here
• how often will they be able to fly out there
• etc, etc, etc.

That's a lot of things we need to figure out. We also have that we were pretty set on buying the house we are in now if we could. But here's the deal, if we bought this house we would be SO straped for cash that would it be worth it if we had a nice house but had to eat pb&j half the month? I don't know. I'm not sure that dh knows either honestly.
But I tell you what, I am excited at the possibily of moving out there! It excites me. I think this area is just, I don't know, not for me anymore? Anyway ... we'll see what the future holds for us. We should make a decision about by Halloween. If we do move, then we will probably end up parting with lots of our things, so we would want to start trimming then and keep Christmas light if a move is coming in the spring like that!

Back ...

and refreshed.
Last week the family and I had a much needed vacation. It was fabulous and wonderful and full of so many great things (including a lot of new experiences for me as well as the rest of the family).
Let me tell you - this has been one rocky summer for me, for my dh and I, and well we've hit a lot of low points lately. This trip provided a much needed break from the daily grind as well as a good time for dh and I to reconnect.
I am back refreshed, re-energized, and a lot happier than when I left. I am so glad we took this trip (which we almost passed on when it was first discussed).
But we had a wonderful time and I'm back and ready to take on life again! Yeah!
Anyway, more vacation details to come soon I hope! =)

So much ...

to say .. no time to say it! Lots of updates coming after the holiday - I promise! =)
Until then ...
Happy Fourth of July! =)

Here we go again ....

with my 3 year old that is.
So, you know how sometimes you're just skipping along, thinking everything is all dandy and then WHAM! someone blindsides you with what you weren't expecting (or maybe didn't want to hear)?
Yep. happened today.
My 3 year old has a sort of long history - therapy, they thought she was autistic, then not, blah, blah, blah.
Well she has been having a lot of feet issues. So we took her to a podiatrist (sp) to get them looked at. And obviously gave her history (especially that she had been in physical therapy before and blah blah blah).
Went for the follow-up today. So doc says that she HIGHLY advises us to take her to a pediatric neurologist to be evaluated. She sees autistic tendencies in my 3 year old, that she has very low muscle tone, a lot of podiatry issues in kids are linked to neurological disorders and was frankly kind of shocked we weren't advised to do this before.
Well, we were advised to do that before. But we are also advised to take her in to another major hospital in the area and have her evaluated there. So we did. And they said there she was fine and no pediatric neuoroligst visit was needed for her. So we cancelled the appointment.
Boy, isn't hindsight 20/20?
And here I was just thinking recently how far she has come and I was so proud of where she is today given where she was not that long ago in her short little life. And then this. And so tomorrow I will call and take her in, and this time no one can talk me out of it.
And of course as I'm thinking in my head how stupid that is and she doesn't need a neuologist and dh and are I talking, we start to talk about some things. And you know what, when we really step back and look, well, yeah, there are still some issues present. And there are some things going on. And having her looked at is the right thing to do, but man. I'm worn out. One day one doctor is telling me there are issues and the next they are telling me there isn't any. I just don't know what to think. And sometimes I feel like I'm trying desperately to get the doctors the see the issues I see, and on other days I'm desperately trying to understand what issues they are seeing because I don't see any.
It is all very frustrating, and I feel like we are starting all over again with this merry-go-round of dealing with everything. And oh yeah, they want her back in physical therapy, and apparently intense therapy - like maybe twice a week? Holy cow. So I guess tomorrow I will be calling to schedule an appointment with a neuorologist (which I'm guessing it will take like 3-4 months to get in there) and I'll call her old PT for just an evaluation of where she is to see what she thinks of all of this.
But I don't know ... I'm not ready to be back in all of this again. To have to deal with it all again. To face the possibility that there is something going on with her. It's just so draining to do it all honestly. And I think, it's not like her issues are that bad - but yet, that's almost part of the problem ... she's probably a borderline patient .. and do we assume she falls on the side of the line that says she needs help or assume she falls on the other side and not help her?
Well ... I'll figure it out I guess after getting her in to see several doctors I guess.

Random utterings ....

So, life here has been okay. Some minor bumps in the road. I've found a house to move into ... and it's only a little more than double what we could afford. But gorgeous none the less, and of course reminds me even stronger of how much I want to move right now. But it can't happen at the moment. I have mostly accepted that fact. Mostly. But I still dream.
I have been trying to "simplify" life around me. Well, I guess basically I have been cutting back a LOT on some things - my computer time is probably less than a tenth of what it was a month ago, hardly any TV. But I've been filling time with being with my family - imagine that ;-) And crafting. We are spending huge amounts of time outside these days - walking, playing. I've discovered some areas around us that are great fun. And of course, I've been cleaning. The grandma still doesn't really want me to cook (well, the basic reason is the gp's don't like my cooking basically. Oh well. So I don't even offer anymore. It is met with no's and the few times I have cooked here, they haven't liked it, so I don't believe I will ever cook while they are home and we live with them). Eh, more time for me to do other things - which I have been baking. And so far everyone has enjoyed my baking so that's good ;-) And of course, cleaning. I hate cleaning. I really really hate it. I probably would do it a lot less often if we didn't have other adults living with us. But we do, and they want things clean. So I have been pretty good about keeping the house pretty darn good these days. I'm sure it's appreciated by the gp's as well as my family as well.

I'm happier right now than I've been in a while. Which is good. I have almost kicked drinking coke too ... big step. I won't even admit here how much I was consuming, but let's just say a good day was drinking only 3 cans. :X Yeah, pretty bad. Now I have one a day. And well, I feel much better doing that. And probably I won't even drink that much anymore, but instead of just not drinking it at all, I dropped to one a day and now I'll just drink one if I want one, which I haven't even really wanted one the last few days. So very good.

I think I got caught up in too many things - most of which was being upset about the living arrangement. And I was so caught up in being upset about it, I forgot to do something about it. I also think I tend to get stuck on this computer without meaning too and then half my day is gone. And really, not a good thing for anyone.

Anyway, that's life right now.
And before I forget - today dh and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. =) And I love him now even more than I did then, and I got to say, we are both still in love with each other as ever and that's great. We thought about it, in 7 years of marriage we have:
- had 3 kids
- bought a house
- had a college graduation
- sold a house
- bought a car
- started a business
- aquired a ton of debt
- paid off a ton of debt (about 95% of what we had is now gone WOO HOO!)
- stayed committed to each other
- and we still love each other and have passion for each other.
Overall, I'd say, I'm pretty glad I married such a great wonderful guy. And I plan to stay by his side until death do us part, through thick and thin. It's a good place to be in. No matter what else happens, I know he'll stand by my side, and I'll stand by his. So even on those days when I'm not very happy with him, I still love him and I know we'll get through that bump together. And for that, I am truly a very lucky and blessed person. =)

Some days ...

my children are trying to make me have a heart attack.
Today it was my 6 year old's issue.
The background:
At a relatives house. House in on a lake. On teh way there tell ALL children lake is off limits today and to not go near it or else.
Getting ready to leave: Ask 3 year old to go around back and tell 6 year old time to leave. 3 year old goes back and comes back and tells me "I can't tell A because she's on the boat right now." I say "You mean her and K are playing in the boat on the sand right?" She says "No, they are on the lake."
I'm totally thinking that the 3 year old is mistaken and so I go around back. 3 year old is not mistaken. My 6 year old dd and her 6 year old cousin are on the lake in a paddle boat, with no life jackets and without having anyone's permission at all.
Um. Yeah. That's a problem.
Okay. Trying not to just start screaming and sounding like a raving lunatic at her.
Bottom line is we went home. She spent the rest of the day inside. She will not play wiht her game cube for a week. She may not go on the lake (with permission, life jacket and adult) next time we visit even if the other kids are out there having fun.
And then it was big talk time with the parents - and we were honest and up front and did scare her a bit. We talked about what happened if she fell out of the boat in the middle of the lake (she can't swim and her cousin can't swim either). We talked about how if that happened she could have drowned, which means she could have died.
She was very repentant. She cried a lot. She said she was sorry. We told her we loved her and wanted to keep her safe and that was all we were trying to do.
In short. I think she got it. I doubt we will see her pull that stunt again. And well, I hope that next time we are over there said boat is maybe chained down and that even if she wanted to do it again (which I don't think she will after today) that she can't do it either.

A kind of peace ...

I think I have acheived a sort of peace within myself this week.
I'm glad I can finally feel this way, and only hope it isn't just a short lived phase!
I think 1)I got a lot off of my mind lately - amazing how far that alone took me. And 2)babyboy has gained a slight sense of independence these days. Mainly he can sit - and quite well - I'm talking 15-20 minutes at a time. Which means I no longer have him attatched to my hip all day. Maybe about half the day right now, but still, a HUGE improvement from where we were just last week. I also believe he too is enjoying his newfound bit of independence. I plop him down, give him some toys, do something and usually talk to him a lot - but sometimes not even a lot depending on what I am doing. Not only that, but his two big sisters will plop down next to him and play with him too. That is super-duper handy for me. So I do some cleaning, putting away, organizing, laundry this way. But I also get some reading time, knitting time, sewing time, or work on a jigsaw puzzle just to do something I enjoy once in a while.
Someone recently commented that they don't know how I have time to do all those "fun things" like I do. I felt kind of stunned by it at first - like they must have this picture of me sitting all day and doing my fun stuff (only in my dreams!) and then I chuckled a bit and said back "If you knitting as much as you spent in your car driving around - you'd make 10 things to my every one!" And you know, she laughed back with me and said I was probably right. Then it dawned on me, she wasn't saying it to be mean or imply I don't do anything around here. I think she just said it to honeslty see how! And thankfully it's someone I know so I know she is in her car A LOT every day. I actually do not envy that at all! I think she spends more time in her car than out of it (4 kids, baseball, soccer, doctor's appointments, preschool, 2 in el. school, one in high school - yes, she is one busy mom for sure!) so I was able to say something light hearted adn funny and avoid getting all defensive and riled up too mcuh anyway.
I guess that's kind of how I have to start viewing more things around me. And I need to keep this kind of peace I now have inside me. And the bad days will come. But at least I now have hope for the good days and I know they will follow soon. And if not, there can't be more than 14 days until I get to leave the kids and take a break anymore LOL!

Taking a break ...

from a lot of things right now.
Mostly computer time - but I think it's a good thing for me right now.
I need to take time to unwind and not be so uptight. I need time to just absorb everything around me and learn to deal with some things I wish I could change, but can not at this moment.
BUT, the good news is that in an attempt to speak up, to say this is what I need, well I went to dh. And mostly told him nothing new - that things are not working right now, are not going well that something needs to be changed. Of course, I am ready to move. He is not. So it's an issue. But, as I said, this time I didn't just let it end there. I kept talking. I said well something has to happen. And I had an idea.
I now will have a sitter every 2 weeks for one night - from 3pm to 9pm. From 3-6 I get to do whatever I want, however I want to, wherever I want to. At 6 dh is welcome to join me, or find something to do by himself, or go get the kids and spend time with them if he so choses. The best part is that the kids will be babysat not at home. And here is why - many things I like to do, I would want to do at home - my sewing, scrapbooking, knitting, being on the computer, or just catching up on much needed sleep. Now, even with a sitter, the children would still be right there. So the kids will be away from the house. And I can decide to also be away, or to just stay home.
Nice, eh?
And yes, I realize some people might look at me and think I'm a spoiled housewife. I stay home and play with the kids all day and now I get to have a babysitter? Well, fine if that's what someone wants to think. I know that's not the case and I have decided that is all that matters. I know what I need to do for me and for my family and frankly, well, people who will judge me based on only knowing 1)I'm a sahm and 2)I get to get away every 2 weeks, well, hey, their opinion doens't really count ;-)
So that in a nutshell is life around here. Things are crazy. I am stressed. I have a lot going on, but I think I can manage to survive it. And next weekend (my first night of being able to get away) I will get a much needed break from it all and hopefully that will go a long way to helping me relax for a bit.

Thinking about ...

changing the name of this blog.
I am not skipping along anywhere these days.
I don't know ... I'm even contemplating deleting this blog all together. I feel an incredibly strong drive to just pull away from well, basically everything. Last time I felt this way, I did delete my blog. Just up and took it off the internet one day. Then I got brave and started this one up again ... but now I think all I do is whine and complain and well just how fun is that? Not very. And I feel very anxious and exposed and I want to run and hide. And the question should be from what exactly?
The whole like 3 people who stumble upon this blog by accident each day?
I don't know ...
things are just not fun over here anymore. They are not going well. And I am definitely not skipping along these days ...

Untitled

So far as a parent, I have been okay with what I have done. I might hem and haw and over think things, but in the end I've always been pretty sure that in the end my kids will be okay. And yes, sometimes I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but usually in the end I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing for my kids and me.
I do not fell that way anymore. I feel deflated, I feel like a failure. I am worried my kids will grow up hating me, that they will be dysfunctional in this world and I will be the one to blame. I'm starting to wonder if they will even survive childhood. Heck, I'm starting to wonder if I will survive the week.
Why now? Why do I feel so completely lost and baffled and confused and like I'm screwing up? I don't know. Could it be that my 5.5 month old still wakes up an average of 4 times a night? That I can't put him down for more than 5 minutes during the day without him crying? Or maybe it's because my 3 year old cries at the drop of a hat? Is still too rough with her baby brother - and often when "playing" with him makes him cry and upset? That my 6 year old can't sit still for 2 seconds? That she asks the same freaking question 3,482,971,582,563,937 times before I snap? (Is it snack time yet? Can I have a snack now? What will we have for snack? Is it time to eat a snack now? Is it snack time? Now is it snack time? Can we eat a snack now?) No. And if you ask me one more time I swear you will never be allowed to eat a snack again for as long as you shall live! Okay, so I don't say that to her, but I want to. Is this normal 6, 3, and 5 month old behavior? I don't know anymore.
My neighbor commented today that it's time to "take the boobie away" from my baby. Then told me to just let him cry. Neither of which I'm prepared to do, and neither of which do I think will have him sleep through the night if I were to do it anyway. He takes after his oldest sister ... she didn't start to sleep through the night until 18 months - despite having weaned at 12 months and we did attempt to try the CIO method before I knew better. Neither of which affected her ability to sleep through the night.
I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Like I'm just struggling to survive the day. I do this: I'm tired. I'm very tired. I'm physically tired and I'm mentally tired. I'm tired. That's the long and short answer as to what is going on lately. I'm just tired. Tired of so many things. I could sit here probably for a long time and list all the things I'm tired of.
I don't want to be tired anymore. I want to be a confident mother. A confident wife. A confident woman. I want to have a smile at the end of the day that isnt' forced. I want to yell at my children a little less and teach them lots of things each and every day. I want to be happy and vibrant and full of energy. I want to do all these things so badly. But I don't even know where to begin or what to do or how to do it.

The bump ....

Last Saturday I felt a little bump. Just short of an inch below where my bra band would run almost centered, but off to the left. It was tiny - very small. I could only feel it by pressing.
I made dh feel it to make sure I wasn't imagining it. He did feel it and told me to keep an eye on it. Wait a week and see what happened.
Thursday night I noticed it was bigger. It actually felt like a misquito bite - my skin was raised, but yet, I could tell it was under the skin just like I had originally felt it.
I admit it made me very nervous. I didn't like that something was there. I didn't like that it was bigger. I didn't like it's location. I was very upset about it all. Okay, I was a nervous wreck. I was thinking all sorts of not good thoughts.
Friday I went to visit my doctor. I fought bought tears when they asked why I was there (becuase I am a cryer. I cry a lot) and explained. And so I laid down and pressed the spot where it was.
Except, then it wasn't there anymore! And so I felt around and around and around. She probably thought I was a tad crazy. I was also there becuase lately I have been feeling very naseous so she started to ask me about that when I found that little bump again.
So she felt it and I braced myself .... what would she say? Thankfully, she said it was a cyst. She doens't even think we need to do anything unless it does get bigger ... which it really didn't the night before. The little (and it is truly tiny) thing moves around with my position - hence it can be hard to find or easy to find depending on apparently how everything else inside me is squishing it around.
So that was out of the way, I felt relieved and she went back to asking me about feeling naseous.
And then she said it "Well, I assume you've already taken a pregnancy test and know it's not morning sickness."
Uh. Huh? What? No, never even thought of that as an option. I said well no, I didn't. But I mean, I don't think I am. Of course she asked if I was sure. Well, no, when put on the spot like that, no, I'm not sure. But I mean I'm pretty sure ... my dh had a vesectemy (although we haven't had two clear samples yet), I'm nursing, still no period, and well we usually use other protection forms. She said, well, okay ...
then it's acid, told me to take over the counter zantac, and then tossed in there that if things don't improve in a week, then I should probably take a pregnancy test just in case.
Umm, okay.
Now, I'm not worrying about a bump near my breast but I'm wondering if the bump in my abdomin will grow. And I'm thinking about it. And I'm thinking about it. And I feel even more naseous Saturday and then today I couldn't take more than a few bites of anything.
My dh went out to buy my zantac, and brought home zantac and two pregnancy tests. I immediately took one of them (come on, admit it, you would have too!) and I looked. One line. Oh thank you!!! Not pregnant .... dh looked very relieved as well.
So for now, I have no bumps, or lumps, or anything like that to worry about. ::phew::

Misc. Updates ...

Well, things are going so-so over here.
There are a lot of things going on. Dh and I are having a disagreement on what is kind of a major issue. Right now he is winning for a variety of reasons. I'd rather not go into detail just quite yet, but, well, I'm afraid of where this disagreement may take us by the end of summer.
We are in the midst of having a huge garage sale - well it would have been huge had it not decided to rain off and on today. Oh well. We'll end up with a few bucks when it's all said and done on Saturday.
As far as my sister goes, well, we won't be talking about that here anymore. Everytime I think things will change and start to improve for her, well, something happens (and mostly things out of her control) and I can't take this roller coaster ride. I suppose it's mean and it's the coward's way out, but I'm leaving this ride. Mostly because according to my mom not too long ago, her relationship with me is an issue @@ (she claims my sis's therapist told her that, but I don't believe her and actually told her to tell that doctor to call me and I'd GLADLY talk to him about our relationship. Yeah, phone still hasn't rang - surprise surprise). Well, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't have my sister stay with us. We don't even have our own home @@ (which don't get me going on that issue) so what can I do? I refuse to ride this ride anymore. My mom wants to blame me? Fine. Let her blame me if it will make her feel better. In the meantime I will continue to be there for my sister doing what I can when I can. But aside from that. I'm off the ride. I do not agree with what my mom has decided to do. I do not think the health care professionals in my sisters life are advising her to do these things either. And so I'm done listening to it. I can't anymore. I'm not strong enough to bare her burdens and my own. Call me weak. Maybe I'm a bad sister. Maybe I'm a bad daughter. But my family and me has to come first and I can't be in this battle anymore.
I think that about sums it up for now.
I know, things don't sound good in this post, but I'm feeling extremely stressed right now. And I don't do stress. Once I'm able to calm down and step back, things will be good again, but at this moment, I'm struggling to keep emotions under control . I will survive. I know I can. And when I feel this way again I will handle it a bit better and a bit better and someday I might actually feel like a normal person who is capable of dealing with life ;-)

Happy Birthday

to me!! =)
Yep, it's my birthday! And I LOVE birthdays =)
So I love today!! And we had a great day. Just did our normal Tuesday routine for most of the day. Then around dinner time, we made a cake - yum! =) Then we ate dinner, opened presents and ate our yummy cake.
So here's the loot LOL!!:
Actually, Saturday going to Wicked was my present from my momma.
My mil and her dh sent me a nice big strawberry bag (which will probably be the perfect size for an in progress knitting blanket!), a zipper sweater, and a gorgeous antiqued-silver oval picture frame. It is simply calling out for a black and white photo of the kids!
My dh and girls gave me a lamp to put by my sewing machine, which I have been needing and it's all set up adn now I can see when I am sitting at my sewing table! Yeah!!!
But we hung out and loved each other all day, and that was awesome. Especially given that my dh was not supposed ot be home tonight (which I admit bummed me out). But then today he called and let me know that he was going to be home afterall! WOO HOO!!! That was probably the best present of all. Becuase I love your birthday and I love to spend it with my family most of all. So it was a perfect, wonderful day! I'm so excited and so glad to see another birthday come and a bit sad to see it go! LOL!
=)
Hope everyone else had a great day as well!

Happy Mothers Day!

Today was a grand old day for me and my family. We all had a blast ... me especially! LOL!
It actually started out at midnight last night ... about the time I arrived home (went downtown last night to see Wicked! It was absolutely wonderful and marvelous and great. My momma took me for my birthday - which happens to be Tuesday. Dinner, the theater, we went down in a limo - fabulous) So get home from being away from babyboy since 2 am. Let's just say I grew like 2 cup sizes while we were out LOL!! And I needed to pump ;-) So, I'm pumping and about 10 minutes alter babyboy wakes up and wants to eat. So I'm feeding him and dh and I are talking about things. And then we hear screams and crying. So he goes up. g3 woke up and threw up all over the place. So I get babyboy fed and normally he would fall back asleep, but not last night - he was wide awake. So I get him in my room with g6. And I go comfort g3 while dh is cleaning up the mess. Poor thing was so upset by it all.
So dh took them to a birthday party yesterday and apparently they ate whatever they wanted to eat @@ No wonder the kid threw up all over the place.
So get her to bed, get 6g to bed, then get babyboy to bed (finally LOL!).
This am started off pretty well. I recieved breakfast in bed. Love it! I had waffles, eggs, apple and chocolate milk =) My family rocks! LOL! So after a few minutes we moved to the safety of the kitchen table without one spill in the bedroom.
That's when I got my present - a mop! LOL! Which fits in with another story I may tell another time ... needless to say it made me smile.
And then I got another present ... the Magic Bullet. Now if you haven't seen this infomercial yet, well you are missing somethng LOL! We first saw it maybe 2 years ago and my oldest immediately fell in love. She HAD to have it. She's been wanting us to buy it for a long time now. So, that's what they got me for Mother's day! Tonight we made chocolate mouse in it! yummmmmmmmy!!! Oh. So good. Amazingly good. And way to easy to make - I'll have to do it more often. Tomorrow we will probably make either a shake or a smoothie. Double yum! =) Then we have had a lot of fun just hanging out and cuddling and loving each other. Babyboy has been an absolute doll today. The girls have had fun hanging out!! We just love it!! =) We've have a grand day!
So happy mother's day to all my fellow mothers out there =)

I need ...

to learn to relax. I need to do it. Not today but yesterday. I try so hard to relax ... but I suppose that's the problem - trying so hard. How can you relax when you are worrying you arne't relaxing correctly?! See, I can't even relax about trying to relax. It's awful. It's terrible. I'm going to kill myself from stress if I don't learn to do it soon though.
And I really don't want that to happen.

Plugging along ...

Still here. Still plugging along.
Some things are still down. Some things are up again. I am trying very hard to keep my sanity and some days are easier than others.
I think I will have to learn to a) lighten up b) go with the flow and c) and to simply plan for a worst case scenario pretty much this entire summer so my expectations will never be let down.
Yes. That is my plan for the summer. Becuase I'm still not quite sure I will survive it. But I think, I think if I try really hard to not explode I will succeed. Or at least I won't explode in front of anyone and I hopefully won't bitch out anyone. And if I can at least do that, then I think it will be safe to call this summer a success.

Bumps in the road ...

No, not even bumps. Big, deep, wide potholes in the road today.
First my babyboy just started screaming. Crying, screaming, upset, didn't want to be held, didn't want to be put down, didn't want to eat, didn't want to rock, had on a clean diaper. Just screaming and red faced :-( Checked him over for a hair wrapped somewhere or clothes pinching, and nothing. So I gave him tylenol and chalked it up to teething.
Then my 3 year old (I think I'll call her 3g from now on - get it 3 year old girl?) fell off of her bike.
Cried, calmed, sent off to play. Not too long after, my 6g accidentally smacked 3g in the head with a bat. Not just a fake, not really playing, bat, but a metal bat, as she was practicing trying to hit a homerun. So, yes, there was a LOT of pain and crying. And a swollen ear :-( Shook her up a bit. Poor thing. Finally get her settled.
Along came the big bombshell. My mom called. Bad news with my youngest sister. She took 13 of her anxiety pills last night. About a month ago she took 9 at one time I think? So, second time for od'ing in a month. They have to take her out of school and put her into some intensive day therapy intensive therapy program. My heart is breaking for her. And yet, half of me wants to ask her "What the hell were you thinking?!?!?!?" I guess the good side of it all is that the doctors don't believe these are suicide attempts (although she has threatened to kill herself in the past). Here's the kicker ... she 13. 13 year olds. She just turned 13 not even a month ago, so she's a young 13. Ugh. I feel sick for her. But I feel sad for her. I want to hug her tightly and protect her. But I also want to grab her and shake her and tell her "You scared me! Dont' you EVER do that again." (Sort of like what a lot of parents do when kids get lost or run into the street). I talked to my mom on the phone for quite some time today. She is upset about all of this too. Ugh. I have a lot more I could say about this, but won't for now. But I guess if you have a moment to spare, please send my sis some good thoughts? And pray that we can figure out what is driving this and finally finally get her some good help.