Sunday, July 01, 2007

I can't believe ...

it's July already.
Where does the time go? It seems like it just flies on by ...

Anyway, the weekend went surprisingly well. We really did have fun. An uncle was trying to convince my dh to take the kids and go camping with him (his youngest is the same age as my oldest) and then us wives could get a break .... I won't hold my breath. Dh says Little Man is too young to go camping and he's not really interested in doing it. I told him if waited much longer the oldest might not want to go and he's giving up precious, even if it takes some work to get them, memories. And yes, I layed it on REALLY thick thinking it might almost have a chance of happening ROFL!!

Last night dh sort of confronted me, in about as loving as a way as he could. And he told me he was worried about me and my mood issues lately. It's nice that he's concerned, but yeah, kind of sucks to be on the receiving end of those comments. They aren't exactly the sweet nothings I dream of being whispered in my ear (although, to give my dh lots of credit, he also did say lots of sweet things to me last night to because he's that kind of guy and wanted me to know exactly how he feels about me). Of course he wanted to be able to help me. I don't know how to tell him to help though, so it's frustrating for both of us in that regards, he who is so eager to help and I can't tell him how to do it, and me who would love to have the ability to say if you just do x, y, and z all things will be better. Although, I do feel better today after having talked to him. We have decided together that the insomnia I am experiencing is a big part of the moodiness. I mean, I am a person who craves lots and lots of sleep (I'd be happy if I could get 10 hours a night honestly!) and I'm getting 6 on a good night. So I'm tired. And when I don't get enough sleep, I tend to feel sick to my stomach. So I feel sick. And tired + sick + anxiety = a really crabby, sad, over the top with anxiety wife/momma. It's not pretty - although he did say (God bless him) that even though he saw all these emotions within me, he was impressed at my ability to really try to not be snappy with the kids - which I have so been trying to do all week.
Anyway, the "plan of attack" is to bring all this up at my next therapy appointment - get advice from him, and then probably go to my regular doctor and ask for something to help me sleep. Use it for a few weeks and see if it helps, if my mood does improve with more sleep, and then try to not take it any longer than necessary. If all that fails, my guess is then my therapist will recommend me to a psychiatrist and some other kinds of medicines might be tried. We'll see. I think seeing as the moodiness came with the sleep issues, that if I can correct the sleep issues, the mood issues will get better. Of course, a tiny voice in my head is telling me the relationship is backwards and that the moodiness is causing the insomnia and I'm trying to fix it backwards, but we'll see what happens ....

Of course, although I had fun at the party the hardest part is when people say "So how are things going?" Of course I answer that things are well, kids are growing, blah blah, blah but there was a part of me that wanted to say "Things are awful! I feel like I'm falling apart. I haven't had a decent night sleep since, I don't know! I'm tired! I'm full of anxiety and for all I know I'm probably on the borderline of depression. And I'm tired of pasting a smile on my face and pretending like everything is a-okay when people ask because no one wants to really know that things suck and now that I've admitted it I know you will never look at me the same again! And how is everything in your life going?" Now, what kind of answer would that be? LOL! Okay, I admit, the thought of answering like that does make me laugh!

Anyway, today I had the pleasure of going to a baby shower. Which again, was fun, but oh how I want another baby. I know we can't and more importantly we shouldn't - especially given all the things going on with me. Even if dh didn't get a vasectomy, really, throwing another pregnancy into the mix would be unwise. But, oh, how I can't stop thinking about it. If I got pregnant now I'd be due next spring. If it were a boy, how great would it be for Little Man? Four kids is such a nice round number. Oh the tiny clothes are so cute. I won't even mind the nursing and the diapers and all the extra laundry. The lack of sleep would be an issue, but that first year goes so fast I could hang in through it all, etc, etc, etc. My husband really thinks I have lost my mind when I tell him all of this. I even told him we should adopt because his vasectomy doesn't prevent that! :::sigh::: I hope these strong feelings right now are just because it seems like most of my emotions are very strong. And maybe if I can get all that back in line, the desire to have a baby won't be so strong.

Anyway, that's my very imperfect honest answers about life and how it's going right now!

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