Monday, July 09, 2007

Hello ....

my name is Brandie and I am judgmental. Actually I am extremely judgmental.
The problem is, the person I am most judgmental about - is me! Oh, I admit I used to be judgmental about people - you gave your child how much juice to drink? ::gasp:: You wasted your money on that! You are NOT going to college! Eh, I'm still a little judgmental towards other people, but like when I see a small child not in a car seat or I hear parents being mean to their children. Most of the little things don't bother me anymore, and frankly as long as your kid is safe and healthy and you are safe and healthy, I'm not that concerned about what you do (or don't do).
I think most of my judgementalism (I know, that's not even a word) left me about 4-5 years ago when I really got to know a wide variety of mothers through the internet. I learned pretty quickly that although we may do a lot of things differently, most of us are truly doing what we think is best for our kids and our family. That was a nice point to reach truly. It kind of allowed me to let my guard down a bit.
Although I am still (not so secretly) paranoid about people who are judging me. And I am certainly judging myself. I hold myself to extremely high standards. My dh likes to say that my standards are too high and part of why I feel so unsure of myself as a wife and as a mother and as a person is that I am a failure in my own eyes because even if I was the most perfect person, I'd never reach my standards.
I like to tell him that my standards are absolutely fine and he should be happy I have standards that I try to reach! HA! Try to argue with that my darling husband! Except, sometimes I feel like I suck so bad, I might as well give up. Or I start to think that my kids would be better off if I weren't in the picture. Oh, I will never quit being their mom. And I will never leave them thinking dh would just marry someone better for them. But sometimes I think my dh might have a point. And sometimes I go to therapy and talk about this with my therapist and he says the same thing dh says even though I don't let him know dh has already said it to me!
And I wonder can a person have standards that are too high? How do you know what is good and what is too high? I don't want to aim too low here. And do I even need to impose standards on myself, or should I let it all go and just be the mom without thinking about it? And can people really do that? And how do they do that? And I don't know how to just let it all go! That's impossible! And thinking that is terrible and then I start to create all these standards I must live up to. ...
See how this is a big circle I feel like I am stuck in. Like a little hamster running around a wheel in some cage. Except I build the wheel and I built the cage. And I don't know how to get off of it. And maybe it isn't exactly working well, but it's something I know already and I'm comfortable there. And if I leave the confines of the cage, well there is a big scary world out there! I don't know if I'm ready to face that ....

I know I am probably just babbling a lot tonight. I apologize. I'm just getting those thoughts out of my head. Really. Not having any point other than trying to get it all out and hope that something that comes out clicks and makes sense in this head of mine!

1 comment:

Smoov said...

I think there are reasonable goals and then at some point you can cross the line to unreasonable. There is totally nothing wrong with have high standards (I totally do) and it pisses me off when people say, "Your standards are just too high, you need to back off." Uh no. I demand a lot from myself and thus from others as well. I bring my A game and I expect others to do that too and when they don't it frustrates me. I have surrounded myself with friends who are also high achievers and ambitous because I don't like people who aren't generally. Sure you can get ridiculous but the key is to see that and then correct it. When I was younger I would beat myself up when I didn't meet my goals, now I have learned to set more reasonable ones and be patient or to recognize that now might not the best time and I could wait and work on that later. I'm still very driven and I have no problems dropping people in my life who consistently fail to meet my expectations. Why shouldn't I? I don't want to waste my time, energy, or love on someone who can't meet me halfway, know what I mean? Maybe that's cold, but that's me. So far it has worked out fine. I have a wide array of really close friends that have been with me for decades now. Because I give 100% to them, I get that back most of the time and it works well for us.

And it really pisses me off when strong, ambitious women are seen as something bad or odd or whatever. Not that you said that, but this train of thought just led me there.