Tuesday, July 17, 2007

When Will I Learn?

There is a debate - how much do you share with the on-line community? A lot? A little? Just enough to get by or is your life an open book.
I tend to lean towards the open book side of things. Which is not wise for someone like me, someone who can easily get hurt by words. Because it stands to reason that when you share a lot, you tend to get more feedback and it's not always nice and friendly. And once again, I set myself up. I opened my big mouth and didn't like what I heard in response. As a matter of fact, it actually left me shaking. And left me frustrated. And yet, I can see where the person is coming from. I get why they were asking. Because they only know what they read and hey, it's probably not that far-fetched of an idea and I'm betting other people were wondering the same thing but didn't have the guts to say it. And I'm not mad at the person who said anything ... for those of you wondering it was basically asked but not in these words, if I was making up the medical issues, specifically of my 4 year old ... I'm really not. It seems like a lot and frankly, I talk about it way more on-line than IRL so it probably feels like I am obssessed with it (which I am a bit because it's my dd and I want to help her) but it really isn't in my every thought every day. And I'm not dragging her to the doctors once a week. Maybe once every 3 months (assuming no colds come up to visit the regular doc) so it's not that much, but it does dominate my on-line talking.
And so I am mad. But I'm mad at myself for setting myself up for the comments. Because truthfully I do bring it up a lot. And I probably don't need to. I need to learn that "think before you type" lesson. And I'm mad at I don't know, I suppose, God that my dd does have to go to the doctor more often than others. And that she does have more doctors than most adults I know (a reg ped, a podiatrist, a gasrto, and a neurologist and she sees each at least yearly). Probably that's not the best approach to take. But it's the truth. But I'm also mad at myself because I wonder what did I do to make this happen ... did I eat something bad when I was pregnant? Or not rest enough? Or not take my vitamins enough? Or how about the time I feel twice in one night when I was pregnant? The doctor assured me I couldn't hurt the baby, but I was about 37 weeks and what if I did? What if that fall jarred her brain and did something? I know, it probably seems silly. And then I look at my oldest who had lots of respiratory issues until she was about 3/4ish. And I look at my second who has on-going issues, and I look at my third and I see that he has asthma and my bet is at this point someday someone will tell me he has AD/HD. And I remember something someone told me - not about me - but she said that some people's dna was not meant to get together and so it can cause a lot of medical issues (from needing help with conception and/or a family where several children are born with serious medical issues). And I wonder to myself - was my dna flawed? Did my flawed DNA cause my children to have these issues? And isn't that silly? As if I am so important that it was MY dna that did it! How completely self-centered is that thinking? And frankly, it's a waste of time because I can't go back and fix it, even if I could pin-point what caused it.
All I know is that I don't care if someone disagrees with me politically, or about the healthiest way to eat or other issues.
But it hurts a lot when someone questions my parenting and furthermore accuses me of lying about my kids. Trust me. I wouldn't lie about this. But in the future you can rest assured that I won't be such an open book about it. I won't set myself up like that again.

One last note, despite everything, I don't think I could love my children anymore! They have taught me more than I have ever taught them. They have caused me to grow and change is so many wonderful ways. They have challenged me - Well, I should say some of the issues that have come up as a mom have challenged me, have challenged the way I think. I've become more honest and more flexible and less anal about life in general. And I can not thank my children enough for the wonderful gifts they have given me. And I wouldn't trade them for the world.

1 comment:

Smoov said...

I really don't think anyone said you were lying.....really.

I understand that you are sensitive though. I think what the comments were really trying to get out was, your kids seem to be sick more often than average. And I don't thinks he was only talking about M.

Admittedly I've wondered the same things before, but I do realize I may be lucky in that my own kids are rarely sick and when they are, it rarely required a trip to the doctor. For that I am thankful, but I still wonder...why are some kids sick more than other, kwim?

Thanks for sharing about your life either way!