I'm feeling quite blah today. And really, I am feeling a bit blue and a lot anxious.
Everything is heightened by the fact that I haven't had a decent bedtime in far too long. So I'm also quite tired.
This weekend we will have two parties to go to. And they are both family functions. And I think I should be excited - getting to see aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, etc. Really it should be fun. But it's not. It has my stomach all in knots and twisted up and feeling icky. Because this family really is perfect. Oh, no, I know they are not. I know they each have problems. But my biggest problem is they aren't shared, they aren't talked about. Children wear their best outfits and don't get them dirty. They are quiet and polite at all times. Everyone has wonderful marriages, money is never tight, the house is perfectly cleaned and kept up. No one talks about not knowing what to make for dinner, or about whining children, or how they get mad at their spouses. Nope. Because everyone is perfect and wonderful and happy. And frankly, me and my troops are not perfect!
Now, I love my family dearly and my kids are pretty well behaved. But they are kids. Sometimes they forget to say please or they whine for another cookie. And then adults all gasp. And I feel embarrassed and I get upset with the kids. And I get upset at myself because obviously if I were simply a better mother this wouldn't have happened. And then dh gets mad at me because he says I hold the kids to higher standards when we around this side of the family. And it isn't that fun.
But I want it to be fun. I want to talk and catch up and hug and let the kids run around and not worry about the stupid little things that could happen. After all, they really are only little. But most of all, I want everyone to stop pretending they are perfect and nothing goes wrong for them. Because it's not natural. And it's not like I want everyone to stand around and moan and complain and whine either - I don't want a sad party, I just want to be able to relax and not be so paranoid.
I'm going to try to relax myself this weekend. I'm going to talk about how wonderful and perfect my kids are, but also mention that baby boy tired me out. And how M whines, but she is getting better, and although I love my dh, he really does work too many hours and I miss him, and that A wants to spend too much time on the computer so sometimes I have to kick her off of it. And how I just love my new house, but now that we have bought it money is tight. And I'm doing pretty good, but a bit tired because there just aren't enough hours in the day. Because my life is pretty darn good people. But we are not perfect. I am not perfect. The kids are not perfect. Nor do I want them to grow up thinking they have to be held to this unreachable standard and the only way to get it is to go to a party and pretend like things are perfect.
And maybe on Sunday I will be back to tell you how splendidly wonderful the weekend was. And how if I don't walk into the party already tense and on egg shells I was able to relax enough to really enjoy myself! And that would be wonderful and awesome. Because I do like my big family a lot. And they are truly all very nice and caring people. And I want to enjoy them for that side of them instead of worrying that I might not look perfect!