All I have wanted for most of this week is for my dh to be home again.
Today he called. They left early. He will be home between 10 and 11 tonight!!!
I am SOOOO happy he will be home tonight ... of course that leaves me wondering why they pulled out of the water so early and I hope that it isn't because of something bad. He couldn't talk much when he called, it was basically a hi-I'll-be-home-tonight-just-wanted-to-give-you-a-heads-up-and-we-can-catch-up-then-bye kind of call.
In other, much more serious news, I spoke to my 7 year old today about what was going on. Mostly because she noticed a certain someone wasn't around and asked me where he was. I have grappled all week about do I tell her this person is in jail or not. And I wasn't quite sure. But when she asked me today, I had a hard time thinking about a cover story. Which probably I should have planned a head, but I did not. So, I took a deep breath and told her "He has not been around because, well, dear, he is in jail right now. He's made some mistakes and unfortunately they were big enough that he had to go to jail." And she looked at me in shock, then burst into tears. She was just crying and crying. At that moment I regretted telling her, thinking why I didn't just say he was in camp or something.
So I asked her to tell me what she was thinking in her head. She told me she couldn't tell me. I let her cry a bit more and then told her that whatever she was thinking, she could tell me and I wouldn't get mad at her. Still she wouldn't share. So I told her when I found out I felt mad sad that he was there, and also mad at him for doing it, and so confused and then worried about him and all sorts of other things. She told me that was what she was thinking too - that she was so sad for him but she wanted to call him and yell at him and ask him why he did that! I think that was natural and I told her that was okay to feel that way. And then she started crying again and told me she was worried he might starve. Huh? I thought - starve? At which point she told me that in jail you don't get to eat except maybe a bit of bread and water and how you get locked up in a little room and can't ever come out. So we had a little bit of a talk about how he does get to eat and he can come out of his room, and we could even visit him, and he can call people sometimes. That made her feel better, but she wanted to know why he hasn't called us. And so I told her I would be visiting him tomorrow and I could ask him to call her if she wanted to talk to him and if she wanted to go visit him, she could (but just not tomorrow) and she was very nervous about all of that. She wanted me to tell her what she was allowed to say so I told her she could say whatever was in her heart and she could even ask him why he did what he did and there were no rules.
We came home and she made him a card for me to take tomorrow that says
"I miss you *** ***
I want you to know I LOVE YOU *** ***
God love you *** ***
I'm praying every night"
(the *** *** are where she wrote his name)
Really, I told her that she wrote the most perfect thing ever and I'm sure he would love to get that card from her.
Then she asked me to tell him that she wishes she could be there to hold his hand because she knows he probably needs a lot of help and love right now.
Again, I told her that was the most perfect thing to say.
Then I told her to not talk about to the younger kids (including middle child here and some other cousins because they didn't know and they were probably too young to need to know, blah, blah. She promised not to tell them but wanted me to tell her again why she couldn't talk about it. And so I told her that the other kids were too young and that I wasn't sure that I should have even told her as stronger as she reacted to it. At which point she looked at me and said "That is why God made you my mom. Because some people would have told me a lie about where he is right now, but you didn't. You knew I needed to know this and so you told me."
At which point, I didn't regret telling her. And I know she is only 7, but sometimes I cry at how wonderfully sweet and sensitive she is and really and truly, I am so amazed that she is my daughter. And I get to have her in my life and I get to see her sweetness and kindness and it just blows me away.
And yes, as I thought about that earlier I did cry - tears of joy and thankfulness for her and tears of sadness for the person who tonight is sitting in a jail, isolated from his family.