Today ...

Today was a bit less depressing.
I started out very much on edge. And Little Man either read my signals or was just on edge himself (although I'd bet he picked up on my anxiety) and he was a bear this am. And it didn't help that we had 7 other kids running around aside from him and that due to having lots of company over that were basically children I was frantically trying to clean just a bit because frankly my house looked like a tornado went through it. So we had a rough morning really.

And one of the extra children here is a neighbor and after lunch she asked if we could walk and get ice cream. I explained to her I didn't know where any ice cream was so the answer was no. But she persisted and promised she could get us there. And finally I just caved in, got all the kids ready and off we set to walk - because I can't fit 8 kids plus myself in the car without breaking a lot or rules! Now, I have to say we made it to the ice cream store (which also has a whole lot of other things and I can't wait to go back and really look round the store but it was hard to do with our large party)! And everyone liked the ice cream. She, however, took us the long way to this particular store. Mostly because they are walking their dog and this is the route her family does take to get it (yes, her mom and I chatted afterwards) but it is not the fastest way to do it. And after we finally made it home we had walked a total of 2 miles - which to those who exercise a bit this probably doesn't seem like much, but people, I had lots of kids (okay, truthfully 2 of them were teenager which made it better, but I also had Little Man and two 4-year-olds, two 7-year-olds, one 8-year-old, and then the two teens). I am surprised we made it - although the 4 year olds were asking to be carried towards the end, but made it despite no one picking them up! So 2 miles was not easy. The entire trip took over an hour and half. However, it was a blessing. That 2 miles of walking and pushing the stroller and trying to keep the 7&8's from not getting too far ahead and not letting the 4's get too far behind and the 2 teenagers who wanted to go by themselves and not with all of us, and then getting that wonderful ice cream and seeing that cute little store, and realizing I could get us home by a much shorter route, and making it home without losing anyone, anyone getting hurt and no one crying someone made me feel pretty good again. And I think the exercise potion helped me a lot as well.

And now, I'm pretty sure I know what I will do. Well, okay, I know what I will do with half the situation. And I will probably (and hopefully) do it Friday. Meaning when dh comes home the problem will have come up, it will be on the way to be resolved and I won't be upset about it anymore. The other half of the problem, well, it's not so simple. I can't do anything about it right now because I have discovered I am SO completely full of anger and disappointment and just so emotional about it that I need to step back. Get a grip. Re-assess what the situation is and then think about a realistic plan of attack. Because right now, I want to pick up the phone call and scream at someone and say a lot of things that I know would merely be hurtful, upsetting and make things worse . But I am (thankfully) able to understand that without picking up the phone and having to regret it later. I also don't think it's meant to be a problem I deal with alone. I think my dh has to be a part of it. But, were he here now, he'd only hear my whining, complaining, etc, etc and not be much help because he would focus on getting me calmed down and that would be that, kwim?

But dh will be home soon - I am more than half-way through him being gone and I can't wait for Saturday. And I don't know how single moms do it or people who have to be separated for much longer time periods. Because I miss him and the kids miss him and I can not wait for him to be home!