Monday, May 07, 2007

I am desperately trying ...

to be good enough. Not great, not wonderful, just good enough.
And I feel as if I keep failing at that task. Actually I don't just feel like it, I have proof of it.
Today my 7 year old told someone I was depressed because I had children. A week ago she told someone she thought I might sell her if I had the chance to. Seriously. My child said this. No one can look at me now and tell me I am not failing in this role we call motherhood. No one can tell me that it is okay and that I really am a great mom underneath it all. Because, truthfully if someone actually said that right now, I wouldn't believe them. Because, really, no child should have to walk around feeling like they caused their mother to be depressed or that their mother, the person who they should feel safe with and secure with and endless amounts of love from, would sell them if they had the chance. My heart is breaking - for my daughter. And I wonder does my 4 year old feel this way? Does my 1 year old feel this way? Am I causing all my children to feel this way, or is it just my 7 year old who feels distant from me?
And I feel the need to tell you this as well so you don't think I'm a horrible mother, just a not so good one, why is it that every other day of the week she'll tell me she loves me, she knows I love her, and that she things I'm the best mom ever? And today I talked to her about what she said. And I apologized for making her feel like she was making me depressed. And I told her that I'm trying to be a better mom to her and her siblings and that I do love her with all my heart. And I thank God for her each and every day and nothing makes me more depressed than thinking she wouldn't be my daughter and how I would never ever sell her for any amount of money and she can look at me with her big blue eyes and say "Mom, you don't need to become a better mom. You are already perfect the way you are!" Seriously people, what in the world? Does she say those nice things to cheer me up, to make me feel better, because she thinks I love her more. And then just once in a while the truth about what she feels comes out? Or are these little things she is saying once every 2 weeks just things she is saying because she doesn't really understand them or because it's just something to say and she doesn't mean it?
I asked her why she thought I was depressed. She told me my face looks sad a lot. I tried to explain the difference between being sad and depressed (not sure she got it). I told her that I worry a lot and sometimes all that worry makes me sad - but it's never about her (or the other two). I told her that I might worry about money or sad things that are happening in the world and things like that, but never her.
But right now, right now I feel more sad than I have in while. And now I am feeling a bit depressed.
I don't know how to make it right. I tried to be as honest with her as I could be (she is 7 after all) and I tried to hug her tightly and let her know I loved her and I try each and every day to be a good mom. And I just don't know what to do now. I feel stuck about what to do, on how to better myself and make myself a better mom.
I know I am hanging on to too much of the past. It's controlling me, and not in a good way. I know I think I should be able to fix everything in this world and yet, I can't do it and it hangs on me. I know I worry too much, that I have too much anxiety, that I expect too much from myself and when I can't met those expectations I get very sad and down, and I know that until I fix those things in myself, I can't ever be a better mom. And I am trying - not only for my children, but for my husband and myself. I am trying. But would you pray a little extra for me? Because it is obvious to me that I must try harder, I must confront some difficult things I have been avoiding for far too long, that I have to let go to some how-my-life-should-be-thoughts as they are not helping me but hurting me. Would you pray that I can get myself together and that my children will benefit from that, that they would see me shine more often and not look so sad or burdened or weighed-down? And that they would get the mom they deserve and need right now?


Anonymous said...

Oh Brandy, don't be so hard on yourself! I am sure you are a great mother and after all you are the ONLY mother they have, relax a bit, maybe you should sometimes when she is in ear shot just say some thing like I am so LUCKy to have you as my oldest daughter, I don't know what I ever did to deserve a great girl like you to love...I am sure you get the point I am trying to make, (hopefully) as for the extra prayer, consider it done...warm hugs from the south know who...LOL

mama2dibs said...

I don't have the perfect answer for you all wrapped up in a bow...I wish I did. What I can say is that your baby is 7 now. She is probably just entering the world of emotions and trying to understand them. She can tell you are sad and she needs there to be a reason for that sadness. She is too young yet to look outside of herself (she doesn't understand money and bills and the likes yet) so she internalizes it and ~voila~ she becomes the problem. You are doing fine as a parent. You are just entering a new phase with your daughter. Oh, the things I have to look forward too.

As for your past "issues" and the like, I'm telling you girl...YOU CAN'T OVERCOME THEM! All you can do is give them to God. Stop trying to overcome them yourself. Stop worrying about them...just STOP! EVERY TIME you find yourself worrying, STOP yourself and APOLOGIZE to God that you were not trusting Him to handle the issues. I wish I had a more solid answer for you, but I'm not a counselor and all I have to go on is a little bit of experience. Not much at that.

Damselfly said...

Gosh, that sounds tough. I don't know what it's like to have three children (even though I was one of three). Everyone has problems that we deal with the best way we can. It sounds like the talk you had with your 7-y-o was your way of dealing with her comments the best way you could.

Jenny said...

Hey Brandie, I've been in the "I'm a terrible Mom pit." When my boys were younger I would be so depressed - crying and thinking what if I died and my husband remarried and I'm such a bad mom that they love her more than me. It took a long time and professional help to show me how wrong I was. Not perfect does not equal bad. I read through many of your posts today, and you are obviously a good mom and caring woman. I will be praying for you.