to be good enough. Not great, not wonderful, just good enough.
And I feel as if I keep failing at that task. Actually I don't just feel like it, I have proof of it.
Today my 7 year old told someone I was depressed because I had children. A week ago she told someone she thought I might sell her if I had the chance to. Seriously. My child said this. No one can look at me now and tell me I am not failing in this role we call motherhood. No one can tell me that it is okay and that I really am a great mom underneath it all. Because, truthfully if someone actually said that right now, I wouldn't believe them. Because, really, no child should have to walk around feeling like they caused their mother to be depressed or that their mother, the person who they should feel safe with and secure with and endless amounts of love from, would sell them if they had the chance. My heart is breaking - for my daughter. And I wonder does my 4 year old feel this way? Does my 1 year old feel this way? Am I causing all my children to feel this way, or is it just my 7 year old who feels distant from me?
And I feel the need to tell you this as well so you don't think I'm a horrible mother, just a not so good one, why is it that every other day of the week she'll tell me she loves me, she knows I love her, and that she things I'm the best mom ever? And today I talked to her about what she said. And I apologized for making her feel like she was making me depressed. And I told her that I'm trying to be a better mom to her and her siblings and that I do love her with all my heart. And I thank God for her each and every day and nothing makes me more depressed than thinking she wouldn't be my daughter and how I would never ever sell her for any amount of money and she can look at me with her big blue eyes and say "Mom, you don't need to become a better mom. You are already perfect the way you are!" Seriously people, what in the world? Does she say those nice things to cheer me up, to make me feel better, because she thinks I love her more. And then just once in a while the truth about what she feels comes out? Or are these little things she is saying once every 2 weeks just things she is saying because she doesn't really understand them or because it's just something to say and she doesn't mean it?
I asked her why she thought I was depressed. She told me my face looks sad a lot. I tried to explain the difference between being sad and depressed (not sure she got it). I told her that I worry a lot and sometimes all that worry makes me sad - but it's never about her (or the other two). I told her that I might worry about money or sad things that are happening in the world and things like that, but never her.
But right now, right now I feel more sad than I have in while. And now I am feeling a bit depressed.
I don't know how to make it right. I tried to be as honest with her as I could be (she is 7 after all) and I tried to hug her tightly and let her know I loved her and I try each and every day to be a good mom. And I just don't know what to do now. I feel stuck about what to do, on how to better myself and make myself a better mom.
I know I am hanging on to too much of the past. It's controlling me, and not in a good way. I know I think I should be able to fix everything in this world and yet, I can't do it and it hangs on me. I know I worry too much, that I have too much anxiety, that I expect too much from myself and when I can't met those expectations I get very sad and down, and I know that until I fix those things in myself, I can't ever be a better mom. And I am trying - not only for my children, but for my husband and myself. I am trying. But would you pray a little extra for me? Because it is obvious to me that I must try harder, I must confront some difficult things I have been avoiding for far too long, that I have to let go to some how-my-life-should-be-thoughts as they are not helping me but hurting me. Would you pray that I can get myself together and that my children will benefit from that, that they would see me shine more often and not look so sad or burdened or weighed-down? And that they would get the mom they deserve and need right now?