Thursday, February 10, 2005

Blah, blah, blah

Over the last 2 days I have heard that I am stupid and I am mean. I am hated by one sister, unfair, mean, and not as nice as mommy ... apparently the kids can't go too long without being called names by their parents before they miss them @@
I know I shouldn't roll my eyes. Really I do. And don't do it to them, so I should get a break, but seriously, I'm so frustrated at so many things ...

Yesterday, while helping the 11 year old find her library card, I came across papers. One in which she basically wrote out how stupid, ugly, dumb, etc, etc, etc, she was. That people who know her should cry themselves to sleep, that people who don't know her should rejoice, and that the world would be a better place without her. She also had a lovely drawing of herself labeled "alive" with a bunch of frown faces and boo-hoo on it, then a drawing of herself labeled "dead" with smileys and some yeahs on it. WTF is that? Seriously, what the hell was I supposed to do? I just didn't have a freaking clue what I was supposed to do. She has begged me not to tell our parents ... which I don't blame her. My guess is they will be pissed off than try to, oh, I don't know ... GET HER HELP!
She is seeing a therapist. I took the liberty of calling him, but apparently he is the most busy doctor in the world as the message says it will take a week to get a call back. I was so not expecting anything like that to happen. And wtf is wrong with my parents? They seriously can't not know. I mean, it doens't surprise me - she says it all the time. She scratched herself up this fall (on her hand) and apparently the school called social services about it. You would think that would be the wake-up call my parents needed ... but no! I think they are still living in a dream that everything will be okay and it's just a phase and blah blah blah. Seriously, my sister will be like the next person toting a gun to school with her. And I'm not kidding. That is the scariest part. Ugh. I wish I could do more to help out. But yet at the same time, I want to take my family and run - far, far away, becuase when all the shit hits the fan, I don't want to be here to be a part of it. And someday it will happen. And you know what, I bet when my mom finds out I called her therapist, she will call me and yell at me and be pissed off at me for sticking my nose where it doesn't belong. Watch. It will happen. I'm positive. And I'm tired of having to be in the middle of it. Maybe if she does call all mad at me, I finally get a backbone and tell her what to do with her anger. I didn't volunteer to take care of them, I was asked. And so if I felt like the call needed to be made when those notes where found, then I had the right to call. And ifit's an issue, she is welcome not to ask me to babysit anymore!

Well, phew! That felt good to get out ....


RenRen74 said...

Brandie this sounds like a tough one! I would be worried too. Is it not possible to go to your mom calmly and tell her about what happened? Maybe tell her that you are really worried about your sister and you just want to help? I will be praying that things get better for them, and you.

Mel said...

Brandie, how terrible, all around. How terrible for your sister and how terrible that you carry the burden of all of it. I'm sorry to hear about it.