Maybe some good news?

So today I went to a chiropractor. And it was just a "let's see what's going on with your body and tell you how we think we can help it" all for free sort of appointment. I also actually took my middle dd to see if they could help any ...

As for me ...
Well, I'm crossing my fingers that they can help. She is going to try to do something with the muscles in my jaw to help with the TMJ (which will hopefully help with the pain, the headaches and some of the sleep issues). They are also going to work on my back (I slipped a disc about 6 years ago and have had issues with it ever since).
The bad news is - she is thinking I might have some issues with my discs (as in they are degenerating too quickly for my age) OR she is concerned that there might be some arthritis going on with my back - and quite possibly my jaw.
Right now, I am slated to go in 3 times a week for a month. She said at that point, we'll know if what she is doing is helping or not. And if it's helping, that's good!
She has also ordered x-rays of my back and an MRI of my jaw. She wants to really get a good look at those joints (and it's actually nice because the oral surgeon also suggested an MRI of my jaw so I can get copies sent out to them!)
Anyway, my grandpa had awful arthritis. And had lots of joints replaced. And I'm really kind of scared they are going to find out I have it too.
Hopefully, it's just some muscle issues or whatever that can be solved with some good treatments and then I can have a while of pain-free living (because once the symptoms are under control she told me I would stop going to see her and not have to return unless/until symptoms came back.
I will say I was encouraged to hear her say that after a month or two, I shouldn't have to return because a)it wouldn't help anyway or b) the symptoms should be under control enough that I don't need to see them anymore! Frankly, I'm not in a mood to have to see the chiropractor every single week for the next 5 years or something like that!

As far as my dd -
Great news. She tested her muscle strength and although she said her muscles were slightly floppy, they were completely in the range of normal! YEAH! This is the first exam she has gotten and not been flagged for low muscle tone. She even said her arms and legs were extremely strong for her age, and the slight weakness is in the trunk area. One thing I can mark off my list of concerns for Little Miss M!
Also, they will do some adjustments on her to help with her chronic constipation issues. I have heard from one (and only one) person recently that chiropractic care helped her with these issues and thought, what is the harm in trying it out? Again, M is slated to go in 3 times a week for 4 weeks (so basically we are booking all our appointments together). She told me too, that within that month there will be a huge difference or not, and either way, none to minimal care should be needed after that first month. I would love if we could get M off the daily laxative. Or even if we could just start to lower her dose. Because I hate having to give her a daily medicine and I am worried about her becoming too dependent upon it every day.

Anyway, I will be seeing a lot of this doctor over the next 4 weeks! And I will be relying on a lot of people to help watch the other two children while M and I get some adjustments.

I am praying that this will help the both of us. And that the problems are really just simple and quick to fix!

Nice day to go shopping ...

Today I went shopping.
I took all three kids and one of my sisters.
And we grabbed lots of clothes to try on. We ended up bringing home

For me - 2 jeans and 2 sweaters (one which is angora and to die for!)
For my oldest - 3 jeans, 2 corduroy's, 1 skirt, 3 shirts, 2 warm-up pants
For my middle - 1 jean, 1 pair like sweat pants, 4 shirts, 2 dresses
For my sister - 2 shirts

And we also brought home 2 pairs of jeans that were too small for anyone and somehow ended up in our pile. Not sure how that happened but I think I put back 2 pairs that would have fit my middle dd and kept these ones when it should have been the opposite. Oh well.

They had nothing for my son, which was kind of sad.

Anyway, I brought home 29 articles of clothing and one book.
This was very exciting to me because I spent a grand total of ::::drum roll:::: 87.48. Now, that means I paid less than 3 dollars per item.

That means in terms of winter
I need only dressy holiday clothes
My oldest needs - 1 or 2 more jeans, some warmer dress-up clothes, a Christmas dress and some jammies
My middle child needs - nothing I think (because in addition to what we bought today she should have lots of clothes that are hand me downs from number 1)
Youngest needs - well, he still needs an entire winter wardrobe. But his clothes aren't that expensive yet so that will be an easy order to fill.

And we will be done for winter-time (unless they all go through growth spurts around February, which knowing my children will probably happen). I am guessing about 200 more dollars in clothes for winter-time (but hopefully I can keep it less than that). I don't think spending 300 dollars for a 6 month period for 4 people is that bad. I think it's pretty thrifty of me frankly and am pretty proud of all the deals I got today.

And yes, I did shop at the local Goodwill. I also had a 15% off coupon and another 5% off that. According to my receipt, I saved 28.00 with those discounts today. Not too shabby if I do say so myself!

My next major spending spree will be on curriculum items for the school year and I hope that I can get such good deals when I buy those items as well! =)

Contests ..

Well there is a large amount of contests going on around the internet these days.
And really, I like contests ... so here are a few

Own a laptop? Want to carry it around in a stylish and yet, earth-friendly bag ... well then this contest is for you: Blog about your Blog is hosting another great contest where you can win a 180$ laptop briefcase from Eco-Handbags. Eco Handbags produce eco-friendly handbags, because they are all made from recycled products.
So if you have to, you may also enter, but really, if you don't, well that's okay! Just means it's more likely for me to win LOL!

Another great contest is going on over at 5 minutes for mom ... they are giving away an an Insignia® 37″ Flat-Panel LCD HDTV!!! This incredible prize is valued at $799.99 and is courtesy of Best Buy. Wow! Seriously, really, we want to put something like this in our basement. So, if I win, well, I already know where it is going! But, if you also have a place in mind to put it, click here and put your name in the running as well!

If I come across any more great contests I'll give you a heads up!

Found two more ...

One is for 2500 of cash. Really, who among us could not find a way to use an extra 2500? I have a million and one ideas for it! LOL!
Over at Ashwin’s blog, you will find one crazy blog owner!! You can win $2500!! To enter just copy this text and paste it in your blog!! But hurry, this competition will not last long! So get posting!
Edited to add: Apparently this contest was a complete fake. I suppose that saying if it's too good to be true, it's probably not holds true here.


If you are a fan of Gymboree, then this contest is for you! Over at Love Shak, Baby they are giving away 250 to two readers. The contest is here.



So really, go enter all of these! And if you win, think about sharing with me LOL! Just teasing ;-)

This week ...

has been absolutely fabulous.
Seriously. It has just been grand. Have things been perfect? Nope. Not at all. Far from it actually. There have been some ups and downs - but I had quite a few lightbulb moments this week, I made contact with an old friend, I made a couple of new friends, I was very productive almost every day this week and accomplished a lot, I have renewed excitement for my store, and I have fallen in love with my family all over again!
Really, it's been a truly fabulous week!
I love weeks like this one - when even through all the imperfections of it all, there is a silver lining to be found. That is something truly grand!

Post and ye shall receive ..

Well, not really, but it almost feels like that.
After posting yesterday (and spending several hours trying to locate the Heather I was searching for, somehow, I ended up finding her parents phone number through yellowpages.com. Fortunately for me they live at the same place they lived way back when, so I knew I was actually getting their number. If anyone could give me her number, it would be her parents, right?

So today, with shaking hands (literally) I dialed the number and politely asked to speak to one of them. Then I think it all came out in a rush "My name is XX XXX and I don't know if you remember me but we went to church together several years ago and your dd Heather has been on my mind and I'm trying to track her down. ::Big breathe:::
Fortunately, all of this did NOT scare them off. And her mom actually remembered me! She said they had spoken of me since I fell out of touch with Heather and she gave me her new number and a brief synopsis of the last 5ish years of her life! Then I talked to the mom about me for a few minutes. And called Heather!

Wow. Is all I can say. We chatted only briefly today (because I was calling her cell and she wasn't home) but we have plans to talk much deeper over the weekend. She is a mom now! (She was engaged last we talked) and her a little boy! She said thought of my often when she was pregnant and when her son was first born. First of all, I can't believe it was this easy to find her since yesterday I felt I hit a brick wall. Second, I am so excited she ever remembered me! But third, that she has actually thought about me the last few years? Wow. Blows me away completely. I can not wait to talk to her on Sunday. I can not wait to catch up and learn more. And hopefully this time, I won't fall out of touch (because that is what happened. I fell out of touch with her).

On my mind ...

Someone I knew when I was in high school and college is on my mind lately.
I want to get in contact with her, but I don't have a number! I know she was married, but I do not know her married name.
I have a first name and a last name. It's Heather Thomas. Guess how many Heather Thomas's are in this world? Yeah. Lots. Very common name combo there.
I want to bang my head against a wall. I was hoping so much she would be easy to track down - through classmates.com or reunion.com. But nope. And I checked the high school alumni page, not there either.
I'm so bummed.

Anyway, Heather Thomas who graduated from STC, if you are out there and happen to be reading this, I'm thinking of you!!

Although, I doubt it. Who knows, maybe someone will know someone who knows her ....

Hmmm ...

Well, I might have the ability to babysit for someone full time. I'm feeling very torn about it.
First, it would be a blessing on our budget - if I funneled the money just into the kids extra activities, that would be SO helpful on our pocketbook. I think it would work out - she's a 4 year old we've met before and her and my 4 year old hit it off really well in the past. Plus I would be helping another mom out, and that would feel super nice! She starts kindergarten next year, so I'm almost 100% positive that the gig wouldn't last more than one year - which is nice because I don't have to think about if I'll want to do it in 2 years, kwim?

However, I'm pretty sure it would be Mon-Fri 8-6. And well, sometimes I get into issues with getting doctor's appointments for me because I can't find someone to take my kids during the day - what would I do with another child here? Switch to places that do work on weekends and evenings? Do I really want to switch my doctors? Honestly - nope!
Second, will I leave the house less if I have four kids underfoot? I would like to say no because, well, she is 4 afterall! I won't need diapers or strollers or bottles or anything like that for her, but yet, I might stay home just because, kwim? And I don't want to do that!

Anyway, I'm really thinking and praying about doing this. I have been telling dh if I could babysit to pick up money I'd consider it, but now that an offer is on the table, well, I'm sort of scared! Not to mention, I had high hopes in my etsy store, but seeing as that isn't taking off so well - maybe I do need to really do this and have another child around here!

Hmmm ... decisions, decisions!

Very productive day ...

I'm not usually a productive person, especially this early in the week! Usually I am productive towards the end of the week as I rush around trying to finish all that I need to by the weekend! Not only have I been productive today, but I haven't just done the things that needed to be done! Woo-hoo!

So far today I:
planned the menu
did the shopping for the week
returned the books due to the library and picked up my holds
Folded and put away 2 loads of laundry
Gathered all the dirty laundry, sorted it and run a load and a half
diced and smashed 4 pounds of strawberries (only 6 more pounds to go!)
made one batch of strawberry jam
did some knitting
run the dishwasher
cleaned all the sand off the deck from our big mess this weekend LOL!

I know that may not seem like lots to a lot of other people, but seriously, for me, to be this productive so early in the week is amazing! And I am still plugging along the list. The kids are being so good and either helping me or entertaining themselves. Very nice =)

Just an FYI ....

Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer is hosting the Dog Days of Summer Bloggy Giveaway.

There will be lots and lots of giveaways over there - over 100 listed already! So go check it out and see if there is anything you would like to win.
I am not participating on this blog, however hop, on over to my other blog for a chance to win a really cute apron!

Life and other ramblings ....

Life is always interesting isn't it? I've spent most of last week and the week before it, frankly feeling like crap. Feeling mad, sad, hurt, angry, upset, worried, panicked, etc, etc ... life has been a whole lot of not nice feelings.
And then, just the other day I mentioned to you, my dear readers, that I managed to shake it off ... and let me just tell - what a difference a few days makes!

Because 1) although financially things suck at my dh's main source of employment, his side business had the two most phenomenal weeks ever during July (this weekend is back to normal, but that's okay!) which is just awesome. And someone has a lead on some super part time work that pays incredibly well that dh can pick up in the winter if we need him to. Now, I hate to think h has to work all these jobs, but his side business ends in November, so if he only worked 4-6 hours part time for this other place, he'd be putting in less hours than he does in the summer, so although you might think my dh never sleeps because I make him work all these jobs, it's not like that - which is nice!

2) While waiting in line yesterday at the book store to get my wristband to come back later at night to get my Harry Potter book, the woman 2 behind me was talking about her son with Asperger's syndrome and some book she was buying that helped to teach social skills. Now, lack of social skills is the one thing my 4 year old struggles with the most right now. As a matter of fact, we are currently trying to teach her to look at the person she is talking to because she doesn't understand that eye contact is something people usually do when talking. So, I heard her mentioned this, apologized for interrupting, but asked if I could get the name of that book. She gave me the paper she had on it - very kind - and we started talking a bit. She is an aid for children who have disabilities and gave me some places to call to try to get M involved with other kids. She also told me about a place she goes to near us that has actual social therapy. Now, okay, I admit it, if someone told me 5 years ago their child was in social therapy I would have had to bit my lip to keep from laughing. Even I can see how it sounds kind of funny! But for someone like my M, who doesn't understand how to interact with others (who also tells me she has no friends) this could in fact be a huge answer to prayer! The woman told me they start one on one with the therapist, and then they will pair up two kids to get them to learn how to talk to each other, and then they will get together in groups of kids and all that stuff. Which would be fabulous! I'm trying to explain that she has to say hi to people if she wants them to play with her. That she has nicely ask someone for their name if she wants to know what it is. That she has to make eye contact with people when they talk. But my explanations are not getting to her. So, I will be definitely buying the book (which is called The Hidden Curriculum: Practical Solutions for Understanding Unstated Rules in Social Situations in case you were curious). Eh, I don't think we will sign up for therapy now, but I know if she continues to struggle we have another place to turn. And even more fun, the kind woman gave me her name and number if I ever wanted more info or anything like that.
Seriously, all that because of Harry Potter folks! It's true.

c) I was just complaining to my husband yesterday we need a second fridge/freezer for our house. I know, you'd think one would be enough. However, we left a house with 1 fridge/freezer 2 just fridges and 1 just freezer. We had lots of room for lots of things. Here we have what I consider a small fridge/freezer combo. We drink lots of milk in this family. Ideally I could buy 4 gallons each week. But I really only have room for 2 in my fridge. Which means dh stops to pick up milk a lot on his way home. And the freezer, I could always use more freezer room! But, the whole tight on money thing and all that, well, really, it's a pipe dream for us.
Today the doorbell rang and their stood our neighbor. He told us was getting rid of one of those mini-fridges and would we want it otherwise they will toss it out with the garbage. Sure! Dh and I replied. Still won't solve the milk problem but it would be perfect to hold a few cans of pop and the kid's juice and give me more shelf space (our fridge is always cramped on space for real!) So we walked over to get it. I stayed and chatted and noticed a real fridge/freezer in their garage. I innocently asked what they planned to do with it (they are going to sell their house soon) and she said they were going to offer to sell it to whoever buys their house. Really? Sell it? Hmm ... how much would you ask I asked. She thought and said she didn't know, maybe 50 dollars? Holy cow! That's nothing really if you think about it. I called dh back. He said he'd look at our garage to see where we could fit it in and get back to them. They said it would stay in their garage until they moved probably and to take our time.
I am determined to see that fridge set up in my garage! I am determined that it is an answered prayer request on my part.

And I wonder, with those three very nice things that just happened - would it have happened if I was in my grumpy bad mood? Well, okay, dh's side business would have been fine because it really runs without me. But would my friend have come over and told me about this other part-time work if she thought I was too crabby to be around? Would the lady at B&N yesterday have spoken to me in line if I stood there with a scowl on my face. Furthermore, if I was still doing my whole "woe-is-me-life-sucks" inner thoughts, would I have even over-heard her conversation? Probably not. And if I had, would I have been too involved to think to ask her about it? And even if I had done all that, would she have seen a very unhappy person and chatted more than necessary with me? And what about the neighbors? I could have easily said, I don't know, ask my dh, got him, walked away and never gone outside to chit-chat with them. Which if they knocked a few days ago, I probably would have done that. And dh wouldn't have asked about the fridge.

So, really, mood does affect us in so many ways! I am so glad I was able to shake off all the crap from the last week and a half. And enjoy life when it's not perfect. Because, really, it will never be perfect. But it can be really good if I can just sit back and remember to enjoy it!

Just in case ...

you didn't already know how much of a dork I was, I just want everyone to know that I finished the last and final book of the Harry Potter series today.
What to say about it? Oh, so much to say .... but I won't say it just in case someone is taking their time to read it and enjoy it. I, personally, needed to see how it ended asap and so I did LOL!
Anyway, if you've followed the series and liked them (or maybe even didn't like them but you already read the first 6) read it. You should! And if you do read it, let me know what you thought!

Blogger Issues?

Is blogger resetting everyone's blogs?
I signed on to my bloglines account today and almost everyone has 15-30 new posts ... ummm, I'm thinking some weird cosmic thing did not happen last night that moved everyone to post that many new things!
Maybe my bloglines account is going crazy?

Hmmm ... but yeah, I'm betting I don't really have 500+ posts to read as bloglines is saying!

Another Late Night ...

Not that a late night should be surprising, but I'm kind of ready to be done with all this not being able to fall asleep crap. There are so many good things happening around here - which I did begin to notice after having a nice conversation with myself that was something along the lines of "snap out of it! So dh isn't getting his raise? Life goes on. The sun still rises. You have your family and love and friends and good things. So, adjust the budget, be done with it and enjoy life!" Which is exactly what I needed to tell myself. And no, it could not have come from anyone else. It had to come from me.
It also helped that my oldest is at a sleep over and dh took the other two out of the house for an hour today so I had time for ME! What a nice surprise from him. As dh said we will weather this storm. The sun will shine and then another storm will come. And that's okay because it's how life goes. And he's right. So I'm think I'm out of my funk ... YEAH! And nothing can bring me back down now.

Tomorrow night I will get my hands on the last Harry Potter book. I could not be more excited. Tonight I worked on my oldest costume for the party we are going to - it is only about 80% done. Which I promised myself I would do a little each day to avoid last minute finishes, but alas, I did most of the work tonight from about 8pm to 2am and will have to put in about, oh, I'm guessing an hour tomorrow maybe? But I hope she will like it. I just want to get the book and start reading LOL! If not for her, I'd show up at the store at 11:45 pm and then wait for my turn to buy it. My sis is going with me as well, and we are going to race to finish the book. Probably she will since she won't have, you know, three kids and a husband who would not like her to hide with the book all day on Saturday just because she wants to, but I plan on at least keeping the competition close.

A friend came over today and allowed me to get a little baby fix. Which was so nice to hold a teeny thing in my arms (he turned 3 weeks today). Awww ... I miss those newborn days. But it was nice to hold him and rock him a bit. He even kindly fell asleep in my arms. So sweet and so wonderful. I really do like little babies a lot. Probably if I were in charge of how many kids we had without any input from dh, well, I'd have a lot by now just to keep a fresh supply of babies around!

Okay, enough rambling from me for this evening. I'm off to attempt to sleep as tomorrow will be a very busy day ... I have a lot I need to squeeze into it!

Bad day around here ...

I really have nothing else to say about the day.
It just sucked. I wish I could start it over and do it all again very differently.
Oh well, tomorrow has to be better because I don't think I could feel much worse right now ....

When Will I Learn?

There is a debate - how much do you share with the on-line community? A lot? A little? Just enough to get by or is your life an open book.
I tend to lean towards the open book side of things. Which is not wise for someone like me, someone who can easily get hurt by words. Because it stands to reason that when you share a lot, you tend to get more feedback and it's not always nice and friendly. And once again, I set myself up. I opened my big mouth and didn't like what I heard in response. As a matter of fact, it actually left me shaking. And left me frustrated. And yet, I can see where the person is coming from. I get why they were asking. Because they only know what they read and hey, it's probably not that far-fetched of an idea and I'm betting other people were wondering the same thing but didn't have the guts to say it. And I'm not mad at the person who said anything ... for those of you wondering it was basically asked but not in these words, if I was making up the medical issues, specifically of my 4 year old ... I'm really not. It seems like a lot and frankly, I talk about it way more on-line than IRL so it probably feels like I am obssessed with it (which I am a bit because it's my dd and I want to help her) but it really isn't in my every thought every day. And I'm not dragging her to the doctors once a week. Maybe once every 3 months (assuming no colds come up to visit the regular doc) so it's not that much, but it does dominate my on-line talking.
And so I am mad. But I'm mad at myself for setting myself up for the comments. Because truthfully I do bring it up a lot. And I probably don't need to. I need to learn that "think before you type" lesson. And I'm mad at I don't know, I suppose, God that my dd does have to go to the doctor more often than others. And that she does have more doctors than most adults I know (a reg ped, a podiatrist, a gasrto, and a neurologist and she sees each at least yearly). Probably that's not the best approach to take. But it's the truth. But I'm also mad at myself because I wonder what did I do to make this happen ... did I eat something bad when I was pregnant? Or not rest enough? Or not take my vitamins enough? Or how about the time I feel twice in one night when I was pregnant? The doctor assured me I couldn't hurt the baby, but I was about 37 weeks and what if I did? What if that fall jarred her brain and did something? I know, it probably seems silly. And then I look at my oldest who had lots of respiratory issues until she was about 3/4ish. And I look at my second who has on-going issues, and I look at my third and I see that he has asthma and my bet is at this point someday someone will tell me he has AD/HD. And I remember something someone told me - not about me - but she said that some people's dna was not meant to get together and so it can cause a lot of medical issues (from needing help with conception and/or a family where several children are born with serious medical issues). And I wonder to myself - was my dna flawed? Did my flawed DNA cause my children to have these issues? And isn't that silly? As if I am so important that it was MY dna that did it! How completely self-centered is that thinking? And frankly, it's a waste of time because I can't go back and fix it, even if I could pin-point what caused it.
All I know is that I don't care if someone disagrees with me politically, or about the healthiest way to eat or other issues.
But it hurts a lot when someone questions my parenting and furthermore accuses me of lying about my kids. Trust me. I wouldn't lie about this. But in the future you can rest assured that I won't be such an open book about it. I won't set myself up like that again.

One last note, despite everything, I don't think I could love my children anymore! They have taught me more than I have ever taught them. They have caused me to grow and change is so many wonderful ways. They have challenged me - Well, I should say some of the issues that have come up as a mom have challenged me, have challenged the way I think. I've become more honest and more flexible and less anal about life in general. And I can not thank my children enough for the wonderful gifts they have given me. And I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Can someone please explain this to me ...

My insurance company covers an annual PAP test (I know, the really fun one we women can't wait to have @@) BUT they won't cover the office visit to get it. So they are covering the actual test but the rest they are not.
Now, not a big deal for dh and I, but what I'm wondering is people who are already super tight on money, how many women won't go in for their pap exam because let me tell you, the actual test was 50.00 and the rest of the office visit will cost us 130.00 bucks. I'd rather pay for the test and have my insurance cover the visit people! Not only that, but my insurance does not cover ANY well-visit/health checks if you are over 16. That means if I went in for a physical exam right now, they wouldn't cover it. How does that make sense? Wouldn't it be cheaper for them in the long run to encourage yearly (or every 1-3 year) physical exams so that hopefully we could find problems when they were small and not wait until they are large?
It ticks me off and really I think the smarter route to go would be preventative medicine and not trying to fix things after they are broken. I'm not saying I expect a full body scan every 6 months, but it would be nice to know that every 2 years I could go into my doctor, have a normal physical, make sure everything is okay and go about my day and that my insurance company supports that!

Although, I haven't exactly liked our policy for a while (in terms of my dd's therapy, the dental part is almost non-existent, etc, etc). They do not sell the policy we have - and she told me today they haven't sold it for a few years. So maybe soon they will make my dh's company pick a different plan. And all I can pray for is that when that happens, we end up with a better plan and not something that covers even less.


p.s. my results from my pap came back perfectly normal. Not that we expected anything to show up, but it was nice to know that it was normal!

My Personal DNA ...

I've seen this around a few blogs and have decided to play along



Interesting, huh?

On books ...

I came across this list today: 1001 books you must read before you die

I have read 23 books on the list. Which puts me at about 2% of the list! LOL!

How many have you read?
I think I might start pulling some books off of this list to read =)

Life ...

No matter how hard I try to stop it, life continues to roll by. And with it comes good and bad.
On Thursday and Friday my 16 year old sister spent the night. Which I think I've said before, but I LOVE that she wants to spend time with me and willingly comes over! She's not forced to come, she doesn't have to come, but she does. And that rocks! She told me while she was here that she loved me and she loved my kiddos and maybe someday she might even love my husband. I think that's pretty cool honestly!
Also a cousin of mine who is my oldest dd's age was over those two nights as well. They all played (mostly) pretty well together! I hope she had fun here and I know my girls enjoyed her being around as well. This is our first sleep over with her but I have a strong feeling it will not be our last.

Dh had another meeting at work about how they won't be doing any reviews/raises right now. He said it was tense and not pleasant. And although you would think a min. wage increase in our state would be a good thing, for my dh's company it is not. It has already had some pretty bad outcomes ( a-they raised their rates to accommodate the higher salaries b-they lost costumers because the states around us have a lower min wage so companies across the border can do the work for less and c- there will be no merit-based raises this time around because his company is mostly made up of temporary workers making min. wage. So this increase will affect his company a lot.) Anyway, I know that sounds cruel because lots of people fight to increase minimum wage, but it's not as simple as it sounds. We already had a higher min. wage then the states around us. Now the gap is just larger. It has been theorized (of course by those who tried to fight this increase) that our state will probably lose jobs as some companies will opt to move to a lower wage state - afterall, they need to make a profit - and that in the long run this will backfire and make things harder for a lot of people. Time will tell what will happen in 6 months. Last min wage increase, dh's company was able to absorb the pay increase within 6 months I think. However, this year, income was already down for them (as in way down - dh wouldn't get a raise right now even without the min. wage thing) so I'm nervous about how this might all pan out. I have already expressed to dh that I believe he should start looking to see if another job might be out there currently ....

Anyway, the point is, things will be ultra-tight for probably a year more now. I know we will survive it, and thankfully we will not go without home, food, clothes (and in that regard we are so lucky and I am so grateful I will not have to worry about if I can feed my children each day). But still, when you are used to the extras, it will be hard to not have them anymore - like cable, when you are not voluntarily giving them up! And yes, I do sound like a spoiled brat. I don't mean to though.

On to happier notes: Harry Potter comes out in one week. I am very anxious to get the book! My 7 year old is very anxious to get the book (despite the fact she won't be allowed to read it and hasn't even been allowed to read the first book yet! LOL!) My 16 year old sister is going with me to get the book, along with dd. Next Friday should be a fun evening indeed. I am curious to see how it all ends. My sis told me she thought she could finish the book before me ... we'll see. The race is on LOL!! I told her as long as we were both reading all day Saturday, at least we knew when we were done we could call each other and discuss whether it was good or not!

And now I've rambled on about things I never even intended to talk about tonight. I really had at least two other topics I wanted to tackle ... maybe tomorrow I can hit one of them.

How I taught my son his first swear word!

Yes, I did. Last night as a matter of fact. It went sort of like this:
Dh: "I have some bad news."
me: huh, what?
Dh: They told me today at work that they are cancelling all reviews for this period, giving no raises, and pushing reviews to December
me: fuck. you're kidding?
little man: "ck! ck! ck! ck! ck!"
dh: rambling on about how he already spent one day preparing the review for his department (since he is the manager) and why couldn't they tell him before he had already put in all the work since he's swamped already as it is and that day couldhave been used for other things
Me: no baby! stop it!
little man: :::getting louder:::: ck! ck! ck!
Me: oh yes, YUCK! YUCK! Mommy said yuck! Yuck that daddy isn't getting a raise!
dh: now talking about how one person already told him if he didn't get a raise this review period he would be quitting so he was betting he would leave once he knew there would be no reviews happening period, let alone any rasies
Little man: ck! ck! ck!
Me: oh great. Our son is trying to say the f word because I let it slip when we first started talking. You are welcome, in addition to you not getting a raise - which we so desperetaly need and you getting to be the awful manager who tells his guys that they can't have a raise either, now you can also tell them your wife is teaching your son to swear @@
DH: Oh, that's right, it means I don't get a raise either. Shoot.
Me: and probably if htey are pushing back reviews it means they money is tied up and they can't give any rasies, so if we are lucky you'll get like a 2000 raise come December. Oh. Joy.
little man: CK! CK! CK! CK!
Me: yes, yuck. It's just yucky all around ...


I guess I should just be thankful all he repeated was the ck sound, but still. Way to be mom of the hour me!

Misc. Ramblings ...

Smoov said
"And it really pisses me off when strong, ambitious women are seen as something bad or odd or whatever. Not that you said that, but this train of thought just led me there."

It is sad that it does go that way. I wish I were seen as strong and ambitious though! I am not seen that way, nor do I feel that way! Most days I feel like I'm fighting a really strong current to get back to the beach while wondering if someone will throw me a life preserver to make it a bit easier (as in, come watch my kids so I can clean! or come do my laundry for me! or would you call and offer to come over for dinner because you are going to pick up a scrumptious meal for us from Olive Garden!). I'm probably more viewed as the timid, girly female who need a man to take care of her or else. Not that I am that bad, but I do rely on my dh for a lot and my dad still does quite a bit to help us out and to take care of his "little girl." I like the help, I like knowing there are people who will help out in a clutch and love me and take care of me, but sometimes I wonder if they do it because they want to or if they do it because they think I need them to, kwim? Anyway, I know I am competent, I just might need a few trials to accomplish things and am not helpless because of it!


In other news, while cleaning yesterday, I decided to make the shelving unit in my living room actually look nice! Yeah, the shelves without books and movies had things on them, but mostly things that were thrown up with no thought to placement or anything like that. So I moved things, brought more things in, arranged things, etc. Still not perfect, but I like it a LOT more than what it was before. I also had more to work with since my mom brought me over roughly 6 Longaberger baskets that she doesn't want anymore. What! Not want them! I just don't understand them! I love baskets. I really love the longaberger baskets- with their fabric linings and plastic linings they look lovely and can hold things very easily. Okay, so three of them are being displayed empty at the moment, but two have turned into yarn holding baskets! And one is in the basement hiding while I make a spot for it!

After working upstairs and liking what was going on, I went into my sewing room. And I looked around and realized I do not like it. I need to reorganize it and make it look better and I need to score more counter space. Unfortunately, I really think that I will have to move things out of the room to get the look I want. And I don't think I have anywhere else to put things at the moment. But now I can't work in there without thinking about how to rearrange it all!

Also, I've done a bit of reading lately, but 2 I want to pass along: The Knock at the Door and 19 Minutes. Knock is a non-fiction book and 19 is a fiction book. Both moved me a lot and where the kind that I didn't want to put to down! Oh, almost forgot another one who made me feel that way - The Friday Night Knitting Club. Despite it's title, I do believe you will love it even if you do not knit!

I have been to Goodwill twice now to shop. Once we went for just the kids. This week when we went I just peeked at the woman's clothes. Low and behold, I found 3 tops that I wanted to buy, and they fit and I bought them. This is terrible, but it took a lot for me to do that. It kind of makes me feel, I don't know, as I told dh I felt like I was back in high school and in my mind I was thinking "please don't let anyone I know see me here!" I am a bit ashamed to admit that - but it's true. Hard to argue with the prices though - we got: 3 tops for me; 1 short, 1 pant, one skirt, 1 sweater, 1 boardgame, and 1 tie for my oldest; 1 skort, 1 hoodie, 2 books for my middle (didn't find anything for the little man) and it came to 37.00. Which means I paid approximately 2.85 per item. Not bad when usually 37.00 might buy a shirt and a half. Also, the sweater/skirt/tie for my oldest are part of our attempt to turn her into Hermoine Granger for a party on Sunday and also for when the new book comes out. They aren't exact matches to the character, but she's 7 and I'm not spending 50 dollars to get an authentic sweater for her!
Anyway, my rambling in all of this is to say that I'm really trying to cut our spending without taking away all of our extras. I don't want the kids to think they can't have a few new clothes every so often (and yes, I know they don't need them although I tried to get a few fall/winter things which they will need soon enough) because the budget is tight. Fortunately they have no preconceived notions of shopping at Goodwill and they think it's like going on a treasure hunt there! They told me, there is always something different here mom! Who knows what we'll find today. Funnily enough, we were able to find a few things we donated there LOL! Which I was a bit amused by! Anyway, dh told me he is proud of me for shopping there (although I'm sure proud is too strong of a word) and that he might go with us next time to see what is in the mens section. Afterall, if the kids and I have to adjust clothing spending, I think it's only fair that he should as well - not that he spends much on clothes but he always needs new pants for work!

Anyway, that's a pretty good amount of rambling for now!

Blogger isn't allowing me to put a title in here ... strange ... but anyway,

Tomorrow company is coming over. At this point it might be 3 people, but none-the-less, I am being a busy bee cleaning - which actually, thanks to a dh who is outside with all the children, I am cleaning uninterrupted and getting a lot done! This is nice. I'm used to vaccuming little bits of the carpet with the dust buster, and dusting one piece of furniture at a time. So, not only am I cleaning, but I am really deep cleaning. I've needed to do this for a while right now. People, I cleaned the baseboards and the chair rail so far! Amazing really!

Aside from that, I have two costumes to make by Sunday, reorganizing the basement, spend most of Thursday outside of the house, finish laundry and make sure the house actually stays clean all day tomorrow. Again, I am feeling quite swamped truth be told. Another busy week here - although lately they have all been busy. I suppose I should stop calling them busy and say they are typically over-filled LOL! I still dream of getting rid of the kids for a week to get more done and take some time to just unwind and do a whole lot of nothing! Dh joked we should fly his mom out here and let her take the kids out each day, but I'm sure the vacation time for her is gone, otherwise I'd be on the phone with her right now planning it all.

Anyway, I should get back to cleaning before they all rush into the house!

Hello ....

my name is Brandie and I am judgmental. Actually I am extremely judgmental.
The problem is, the person I am most judgmental about - is me! Oh, I admit I used to be judgmental about people - you gave your child how much juice to drink? ::gasp:: You wasted your money on that! You are NOT going to college! Eh, I'm still a little judgmental towards other people, but like when I see a small child not in a car seat or I hear parents being mean to their children. Most of the little things don't bother me anymore, and frankly as long as your kid is safe and healthy and you are safe and healthy, I'm not that concerned about what you do (or don't do).
I think most of my judgementalism (I know, that's not even a word) left me about 4-5 years ago when I really got to know a wide variety of mothers through the internet. I learned pretty quickly that although we may do a lot of things differently, most of us are truly doing what we think is best for our kids and our family. That was a nice point to reach truly. It kind of allowed me to let my guard down a bit.
Although I am still (not so secretly) paranoid about people who are judging me. And I am certainly judging myself. I hold myself to extremely high standards. My dh likes to say that my standards are too high and part of why I feel so unsure of myself as a wife and as a mother and as a person is that I am a failure in my own eyes because even if I was the most perfect person, I'd never reach my standards.
I like to tell him that my standards are absolutely fine and he should be happy I have standards that I try to reach! HA! Try to argue with that my darling husband! Except, sometimes I feel like I suck so bad, I might as well give up. Or I start to think that my kids would be better off if I weren't in the picture. Oh, I will never quit being their mom. And I will never leave them thinking dh would just marry someone better for them. But sometimes I think my dh might have a point. And sometimes I go to therapy and talk about this with my therapist and he says the same thing dh says even though I don't let him know dh has already said it to me!
And I wonder can a person have standards that are too high? How do you know what is good and what is too high? I don't want to aim too low here. And do I even need to impose standards on myself, or should I let it all go and just be the mom without thinking about it? And can people really do that? And how do they do that? And I don't know how to just let it all go! That's impossible! And thinking that is terrible and then I start to create all these standards I must live up to. ...
See how this is a big circle I feel like I am stuck in. Like a little hamster running around a wheel in some cage. Except I build the wheel and I built the cage. And I don't know how to get off of it. And maybe it isn't exactly working well, but it's something I know already and I'm comfortable there. And if I leave the confines of the cage, well there is a big scary world out there! I don't know if I'm ready to face that ....

I know I am probably just babbling a lot tonight. I apologize. I'm just getting those thoughts out of my head. Really. Not having any point other than trying to get it all out and hope that something that comes out clicks and makes sense in this head of mine!

Dreams and dreams ...

Yesterday evening my body just quit on me. I am not surprised thinking about it now, but it did catch me off guard last night. I felt sick in my head, sick to my stomach and so exhausted. I really think that my body was so tired from all the recent insomnia it just shut down to force me into sleep. And sleep I did. For about, oh, 12 hours. Then I was up for a few hours, and then, back down for another 1 or 2 ... it's all sort of hazy truly. Either way, it felt glorious to get sleep again. And I'm still feeling tired so I hope tonight will bring another insomnia free night. I would also like to add that my dh rocks. Because he let me sleep. He told me he knew I needed it. And really, how awesome is that? He could have been mad. He could have woken me up. He could have let me sleep in and then rubbed it in my face for the rest of the day. But nope, he didn't. And it's only one of the reasons I love him so much!
Anyway, during my nap this afternoon I had a dream that I was tired and sleeping so much (like I had been last night/this morning) and in my dream my family had to call 9-1-1 and when we got to the hospital we discovered I had a heart problem that was causing everything. I kind of woke up and wondered if maybe I should go visit my doctor tomorrow. And when they ask me why I'm there, how crazy would I look if I said "I dreamed I had a heart problem!" My dh told me probably I shouldn't go in tomorrow, but should this being all tired all the time keeps up for a few more days, he might think I should go in and mention the tiredness.

Anyway, that was a sleeping dream, but today I had an awake dream ... I have decided that it would be pure heaven to send the kids out of the house for one week. That's all I want - 7 days of no children here. There is so much organizing I want to get done, so much sewing and knitting. And really, I just want a break from being mommy for a few days. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I know somewhere, some woman is shaking her head at this very idea and I don't measure up to her standard of a good mom. But, the truth is that I do need a break. Realistically, I don't send them to school or day care. I am with them a lot. And sometimes when we get a lot of something we need a break - even if we love those someones a whole whole lot! Of course the reality of it is about the only people I could theoretically send them away for a week too, live VERY far away - 24 hour drive or a plane trip out there. And really, I don't have the money to fly all the kids out there then fly myself home to get it all done and then fly back get them, and fly us all home. And to drive 24 hours to turn around, well, that doesn't make much sense either. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure those I am thinking of are out of vacation time right now, or at least don't have a week of it to watch my darlings.
:::sigh::: Maybe this wintertime, when my parents have a break from work and live all of 15-20 minutes away could take them for a few days. That would be nice ... even if it is 6 months away LOL!!

Once Again ...

I'm awake at much too late of an hour. Insomnia is, pardon the expression, a bitch. I have read far too many books lately (although they have been good books at least), stayed up late knitting far too long, and have had too much trouble waking up in the morning. I have circles under my eyes that I'm sure make people wonder what is wrong with me.
This just absolutely sucks. I just want to sleep like a normal person. I want to lay down with my dh and wake up feeling awake and refreshed.
:::sigh::: And I keep thinking with all these extra awake hours, I should be getting lots and lots of things done, ya know? But my brain just stops working and I can't do much that requires a lot of thought. And so it is merely wasted time, time to wish I was sleeping while I'm really doing nothing much at all. It wouldn't be so bad if I could stay up late and accomplish things. And if I was one of those people who could live on 6 hours of sleep. But I don't do much and I need a lot more than 6 hours of sleep. I figure eventually I will just fall asleep out of pure exhaustion at like 8 at night. I can only hope!
Anyway, I'm off to read and hopefully even fall asleep sometime soon!

PS I wanted to add, I have majorly cut back on my coca-cola consumption lately - mostly because it's bad in gerenal but also to make sure that the caffeine is not an issue with this insomnia. So far it isn't helping too much. I have even gone a gone a few days without having any coke at all (seriously, this is a major feat for me). I don't know - maybe there was so much caffeine in my body built up that it's still affecting me?). Well, so far it has not made many changes. Although I do know it's healthier for me in the long run.

A wonderful evening!

We had tonight, what can only be called a wonderful evening! It was perfect, well except for the fact that dh wasn't there because of work, but ::sigh:: if we would like money to eat, wear clothes and buy things, it's a part of life!
Anyway, I decided to take the kids to the local carnival. Tonight they were doing wristbands from 5pm to 11pm (no, we didn't stay that late) but for this area, wristbands usually are good for 2 maybe 3 hours. We used ours for four hours. All three of my kids got plenty of use out of them! I think they all went through at least what would have been 50 tickets each - and individual tickets were 1 each. I feel like we spent 51 dollars and got about 150-200 dollars worth of rides! Pretty nice feeling.

And my 7 year old proved once again she is growing up. We brought a friend of hers with us. And they went on a lot of the "big kid" rides. Just 2 years ago she was afraid of some of the little kid rides and now she was going on the real fast and spinny and rides that required certain heights to ride! ::sniff, sniff:: And she was so excited to go on all the big rides. It was fun to watch her as she beamed with pride for being brave enough to go on the big rides, and yet at the same time she was more than happy to go on the "baby rides" with her siblings ... I think it sums it up perfectly for where she is in life ... ready to try new things that are meant for the older kids, but still perfectly happy to do the little kid things. I know in a few years she won't want to be caught dead on those same baby rides she so enjoyed tonight. But it was fun to watch her tonight - the joy, the excitement, the look of happiness over conquering something!

And my 4 year old did the same thing with all the little rides - she actually rode a lot of them and had fun. No whining things were too loud or too fast or too scary! Nope, she was a brave girl as well - having so much fun on those rides. And again, I had so much fun watching her looking so brave and having so much fun. For once, she melted into the crowd of children - looking so happy and excited and just having a lot of fun! It was so nice for me to see that as her mother. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come for her. Maybe she has reached a new point in her young life where the sensory issues aren't so overwhelming to her, that don't interfere too much with daily activities. What a wonderful point to reach. Now I am just crossing my fingers this isn't a rare occurrence!

And since I've talked of the other two, well, Little Man pretty much stuck to two rides tonight - the airplane and the little cars! The airplane he wouldn't go on alone but the car he loved and rode it at least a dozen times - it was so funny. Thankfully, since it wasn't busy a few times he sat on the same car for several turns in a row!

I have to say, it was nice to be out with all of them tonight and not feel like I was going to lose my mind, or a child, and to actually sit and have fun. We are having more and more of those moments around here and it's nice. The girls have grown so much and Little Man is also growing up. I admit I get too frazzled too quickly, but that frazzled feeling is coming less and less on outings with my children. Although it is a bit bittersweet because as they age it gets easier and easier to be out and about. And I do miss having a baby around, a teeny tiny thing. But it is precisely not having that teeny tiny baby that is making outings easier. So, on one hand I love this new found freedom I have to take the kids out (although, it's not always roses of course! They are children after all and far from perfect) but on the other I have this desire for another little one in this house. Either way, there won't be another baby and I am currently struggling to accept that fact. Although on a night like tonight, it is a bit easier. And in a few years, when little man is out of diapers and I won't need a stroller anymore, I suppose it will be even easier! But regardless, I really did enjoy myself tonight. I marveled at all of my children and it truly was a fantastic time! And to think, it was all spur of the moment decision to go! But sometimes those spur of the moment things are the best kind, aren't they?

Here's some Total Momsense

Hilarious!

Happy Fourth of July!

Happy Birthday to America!
What a fun-filled fourth of July we had here ...

First of all, yesterday we trekked 2 hours to reach downtown Chicago (and no, it does not normally take 2 hours to get down there) to see the fireworks.
Now, we pulled into a parking garage down there to park (to the tune of 25 dollars! Ugh. It was hard to pay that). Anyway, when we pulled in they had security guards warning people that there would be delays when leaving after the fireworks. Ummm, really? Do you think?! There are only over a million people down there, and did people not expect there to be delays coming out of the city when lots of roads are closed for the Taste of Chicago and everyone would be leaving roughly at the same time? Anyway, I thought that was pretty obvious information, but apparently someone somewhere thought that people needed to be warned!

So we made it downtown. We made it to the Yacht club - what did you think this princess was going to fight for a spot on the grass amongst lots of strangers? Nope. Much too spoiled for that!

As with years past we went with dh's work which meant tickets into the CYC! They had a lovely meal ready for us and most importantly VERY delicious desserts.

DH ran around with Little Man - there was only one close call with him nearing the edge of the dock, but luckily there were no falls into the lake.

We did some dancing to the very nice live band And then sat and prepared ourselves for the show about to start.
They were fantastic! Gorgeous fireworks ... I, who was pretty much dragged downtown kicking and screaming, was enthralled with all the fireworks there were. Just amazed!

All three kids did great with them .. in fact Little Man fell asleep during the show. I'm still not sure. Granted we weren't right next to where they were shooting off from, but the booms were still pretty darn loud!

The show ended and we decided to hang around the CYC for a bit ... since there would be delays getting out of the city. Keep in mind, we have done this every year we go downtown because of how hard it is to get out of the city. So about 5 minutes after the show ends (and after most others had left) it starts to rain a bit. And then it gets harder. And so we go to a tent. And kind of stand under it. At which point, we decided to walk to the car to get out of the rain because dh was pretty sure it would only get harder (he was right!).
Here is my only depressing thought for the night ... as we walked the whole 2 blocks to the car, all I could see was trash everywhere. Chicago puts garbage cans out ALL over the place. I mean like every 10 feet. I did not see one garbage can that was overflowing, and yet, the garbage all over the ground. It was so depressing to me. Are Americans so lazy we can't walk 10 feet to a garbage can? We can't bring a garbage bag with us to our picnicking site and throw our trash away? So depressing frankly. And it made me think people in general are huge pigs. Okay. Enough ranting.
So we get to the car, where we sit for 15 minutes. Then try to leave and face the huge delays. Needless to say, I got much knitting done in the car yesterday due to the drive there and home! I really tried to soak it all up. We knew we weren't doing much today.
My dd was in a parade, so we went to that and she had a lot of fun being in it (and the rest of us had a lot of fun watching it!).

Came home and was prepared to relax for the rest of the day, which we did a lot of. Then tonight my dd comes in and asks if she can watch the fireworks with the neighbors. And I'm thinking what fireworks? (Our town shoots off fireworks which shouldn't be surprising but was somehow left out of the list in the paper). They were going to walk 2 blocks away to get a good view and I let her go. As she was leaving with them, the neighbor next to us was setting up camp in his yard and Miss M went to play with the kids there. That is when he told us we would have a great view of the fireworks from our houses. So I grabbed a few chairs and Miss M, Little Man and I went and watched the fireworks there. Now, as if there weren't enough fireworks, at least 4 of our neighbors purchased their very own fireworks - and I am not talking bottle rockets here (although many of those were shot off tonight!) We are talking big huge fireworks ... that could rival the town's fireworks. And they kept coming and coming. We were outside until 10:30 - now at 11:15, I can still hear the booms. We were told by three separate neighbors that this is tame compared to most years because so many people have to work tomorrow. If what I saw tonight was tame, I am nervous to find out what a "normal" year around here looks like!
But it is fun and all the kids have fallen asleep so I don't mind too much ;-)

Anyway, it has been a great fourth of July over in this house! I hope the rest of America is having fun too!!

Holy tired ...

You would think if I took a sleeping pill last night, and went to bed earlier than I have in who knows how long, I might wake up feeling refreshed and awake. Well, you might think that. I thought that was how it would work.
However, it is now noon - I took the pill 14 hours ago and I feel so darn groggy and tired. I want to just lay down and take a nap! I am feeling a bit what I call loopy in the head. This is not good for today. We are supposed to go downtown this evening to mingle with my dh's coworkers, and with the children none-the-less. I need to wake up. I need someone to come over here and slap me a few times and shout WAKE UP!

What I will probably do is nap in a few minutes. Then take a bath with Little Man, then take a quick shower to wash my hair as we hop in the car to try to make it to dh's work on-time to get down to the festivities this evening on time. And I will be praying that whole time the pill works its way out of my system (and with as much water as I've been drinking, you would think that it wouldn't be there anymore.

Oh well, on the plus side, I did fall asleep much better last night. And with as out of it as I feel right now, I"m thinking I'll fall asleep pretty easily tonight as well!

I have an announcement to make ...

After having yet another very crabby filled day, another night last night tossing and turning to fall asleep, and talking to a friend (yes, you know who you are and you do rock!) I have just taken a unisom. Wish me luck and cross your fingers that I can actually get a decent night's sleep tonight.
I really really really need this.

Thank you

I can't believe ...

it's July already.
Where does the time go? It seems like it just flies on by ...

Anyway, the weekend went surprisingly well. We really did have fun. An uncle was trying to convince my dh to take the kids and go camping with him (his youngest is the same age as my oldest) and then us wives could get a break .... I won't hold my breath. Dh says Little Man is too young to go camping and he's not really interested in doing it. I told him if waited much longer the oldest might not want to go and he's giving up precious, even if it takes some work to get them, memories. And yes, I layed it on REALLY thick thinking it might almost have a chance of happening ROFL!!

Last night dh sort of confronted me, in about as loving as a way as he could. And he told me he was worried about me and my mood issues lately. It's nice that he's concerned, but yeah, kind of sucks to be on the receiving end of those comments. They aren't exactly the sweet nothings I dream of being whispered in my ear (although, to give my dh lots of credit, he also did say lots of sweet things to me last night to because he's that kind of guy and wanted me to know exactly how he feels about me). Of course he wanted to be able to help me. I don't know how to tell him to help though, so it's frustrating for both of us in that regards, he who is so eager to help and I can't tell him how to do it, and me who would love to have the ability to say if you just do x, y, and z all things will be better. Although, I do feel better today after having talked to him. We have decided together that the insomnia I am experiencing is a big part of the moodiness. I mean, I am a person who craves lots and lots of sleep (I'd be happy if I could get 10 hours a night honestly!) and I'm getting 6 on a good night. So I'm tired. And when I don't get enough sleep, I tend to feel sick to my stomach. So I feel sick. And tired + sick + anxiety = a really crabby, sad, over the top with anxiety wife/momma. It's not pretty - although he did say (God bless him) that even though he saw all these emotions within me, he was impressed at my ability to really try to not be snappy with the kids - which I have so been trying to do all week.
Anyway, the "plan of attack" is to bring all this up at my next therapy appointment - get advice from him, and then probably go to my regular doctor and ask for something to help me sleep. Use it for a few weeks and see if it helps, if my mood does improve with more sleep, and then try to not take it any longer than necessary. If all that fails, my guess is then my therapist will recommend me to a psychiatrist and some other kinds of medicines might be tried. We'll see. I think seeing as the moodiness came with the sleep issues, that if I can correct the sleep issues, the mood issues will get better. Of course, a tiny voice in my head is telling me the relationship is backwards and that the moodiness is causing the insomnia and I'm trying to fix it backwards, but we'll see what happens ....

Of course, although I had fun at the party the hardest part is when people say "So how are things going?" Of course I answer that things are well, kids are growing, blah blah, blah but there was a part of me that wanted to say "Things are awful! I feel like I'm falling apart. I haven't had a decent night sleep since, I don't know! I'm tired! I'm full of anxiety and for all I know I'm probably on the borderline of depression. And I'm tired of pasting a smile on my face and pretending like everything is a-okay when people ask because no one wants to really know that things suck and now that I've admitted it I know you will never look at me the same again! And how is everything in your life going?" Now, what kind of answer would that be? LOL! Okay, I admit, the thought of answering like that does make me laugh!

Anyway, today I had the pleasure of going to a baby shower. Which again, was fun, but oh how I want another baby. I know we can't and more importantly we shouldn't - especially given all the things going on with me. Even if dh didn't get a vasectomy, really, throwing another pregnancy into the mix would be unwise. But, oh, how I can't stop thinking about it. If I got pregnant now I'd be due next spring. If it were a boy, how great would it be for Little Man? Four kids is such a nice round number. Oh the tiny clothes are so cute. I won't even mind the nursing and the diapers and all the extra laundry. The lack of sleep would be an issue, but that first year goes so fast I could hang in through it all, etc, etc, etc. My husband really thinks I have lost my mind when I tell him all of this. I even told him we should adopt because his vasectomy doesn't prevent that! :::sigh::: I hope these strong feelings right now are just because it seems like most of my emotions are very strong. And maybe if I can get all that back in line, the desire to have a baby won't be so strong.

Anyway, that's my very imperfect honest answers about life and how it's going right now!