Because it's my blog, and because I can, and because I feel like sharing a bit more than superficial ramblings tonight, I will talk about one of my "issues."
So here's the truth ... when I look into the mirror, I see a fat, ugly, plain looking person. I think I need to lose weight, do something about that mark on my face, I focus in on the circles under my eyes, how I never have that glow other mothers have (I have even seen it with my own eyes. I know it exists, I have never found it. It hides from me). I feel short, I feel like my body is ill-proportioned, I dislike the color of my hair, I dislike the style of my hair, I dislike the length of my hair. I hate how my skin looks, I hate how most clothes fit me. I generally don't really enjoy looking at myself in the mirror because it turns into a lets-find-every-flaw-possible-and-probably-invent-a-few-that-don't-really-exist session.
[Note: for those who think I'm posting this as a way to fish for compliments, I am not. First of all, only about 4 people read this blog. Secondly I *believe only one of them has ever seen me in person. And thirdly, despite me feeling like I look like crap most days I have a dh that showers with me compliments, and even though he really means them, hearing compliments makes me feel worse and not better, so I certainly am not in any way looking for them. Instead I am being completely honest and not holding back - which I might add, I really do hold back a lot on this blog because sometimes I just don't want people to know what goes on in my head. Okay, I'm going to breathe again and return to point.]
I can usually avoid thinking about this issue as long as a)I am the one holding the camera. I don't like others being able to take pictures of me. And I really hate the people who insist on taking your picture even when you request they do not. b)I avoid mirrors as much as possible during the day and only take a fleeting glance when I pass them and c)I don't go clothes shopping unless necessary.
And today, I went clothes shopping. And it never fails. When I go, I pass up too many choices, thinking surely someone with my gross shape would never look good in that style. And then when I find something I like and I think might work, I grab the size I think I need and try it on. And every time I start with a size too big. Now, one might think having to go back for a smaller size would be a good thing. It's not. It sucks. It's a reminder to me of how far off my internal dialog is from apparently what is reality. Sometimes I actually have to go back a few times to get the correct size. I makes me insanely crazy truth be told. And then I feel stupid for being so stupid. And feeling stupid some how translates into me being more ugly and more fat and I get stuck in this cycle of hating myself and how I look.
And I hate it. And it makes me not like myself even more. And you know what worries me the most about it all ... will my girls pick up and this and think it is how they are supposed to feel as well? Aren't they going to get their cues from me? Now, I really do not say anything out loud when they are around. Well, okay, I'm sure I do, but I truly make a conscious effort to not say anything when they around. But I think my kids are pretty smart. And I think they pick up on the unspoken pretty gosh darn well. And then I feel like I must be failing them as a parent, which as you can imagine, leads me to think that I am a terrible mother which means I'm a terrible wife, which means I'm a terrible person, and I also happen to be ugly and fat and I'll ruin my childrens' lives because of it. See, almost every thought I have somehow comes back to this concept of I'm not smart enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not thin enough, I'm not pretty enough. I'm just not. good. enough. period.
::sigh:: These thoughts in my head. They are not pretty. I don't know how to overcome them. I don't know how to contain them or tame them or just make them get a little bit better ... because even just getting them a little bit better would be nice on some days.
I suppose talking about it will help ... I hope so. This will not be an easy thing to post. I will probably think about it for several hours before falling asleep truth be told. I will fret over who will read this and what they will think of me now. I will debate about whether to come back and delete it. Even now my chest has a very tight feeling in it ... I mean, this is really a hard thing to write about. But I hope if I say it now and see that tomorrow the sun still rises, it will take away some of the sting and someday I can sit down and talk about how I really think I'm okay all around. Won't that be a lovely feeling?