On Selfishness ....

Here's the thing about selfishness ... it usually hurts the people around you, but you're so busy being, well, selfish, that you fail to notice that. And then, when that happens, the results in the end aren't usually what you expected or hoped for.Here's the thing about selfishness ... it usually hurts the people around you, but you're so busy being, well, selfish, that you fail to notice that. And then, when that happens, the results in the end aren't usually what you expected or hoped for. In fact, they are generally much worse and possibly painful.

Sad to say, this is the lesson I had to learn last night. It was not an easy lesson to learn. I am still sitting here today, feeling awful and horrible and wondering, when did it get so bad? Why didn't I pick up on it sooner? How could I have hurt the person I love most in this world, and more importantly, why was I oblivious to his hurt until he had to really show me his pain?

Of course, it all started innocently enoughly - doesn't it always? Okay, maybe not always - but this time it did.
All I wanted was some alone time, time to do whatever I wanted to do, time to relax ... and I found it after everyone went to bed. And I stayed up late. Then later, then later ... and now I'm usually in bed around 1 am.
My dh usually goes to bed around 9:30ish and wakes up around 6ish to go to work. I stay up late and wake up with the kids around 9 am.

Dh has said in the past, always it seemed jokingly - seriously, but yet not too seriously - that he hates how we are on two different sleep schedules. Every night he usually asks me if I'm going to bed when he goes to bed and I rarely do. I loved my alone time, my time just for me, to do whatever I wanted (well, of course aside from making too much noise!). I need this time - a break from taking care of the kids, and the house, and the cooking and whatever else comes up.

But, my dh needed that time to be with me - to not be alone in bed, to lay there and talk to me about life, about the kids, about what's coming up, about our goals and dreams and all that jazz. And he was missing that time and desperately wishing I would join him.

I, on the other hand, was enjoying my time alone ... I spent it reading, knitting, sewing, on the computer, whatever I wanted! I watched the news, I watched Jay Leno, I watched late night reruns, and was very happy.

Except, last night, dh was very upset - emotionally upset (not yelling at me upset). And he poured it all out. I felt awful. I felt terrible. I felt like I had hurt him so much, when my intentions were just to get some me time. He said he understood that I wasn't trying to hurt him, that I was just trying to find that time. I had only wished he said very clearly to me sooner that it bothered him so much. But then again, he had hinted at it. And if I weren't so eager to get my own time, I would have picked up on it.

I'll be honest, I don't want to give that time up. I like having my alone time. No, I LOVE having that time, at the end of each day to unwind. I want my time - but I also don't want to give that time up with my husband, especially when he needs it so much. Now, he can't really stay up as late as me - he has to work the next day and he has to be there early. So what it boils down to is I need to change my sleep schedule. I need to learn to go to bed much earlier, and in doing that, let's hope that I can learn to wake up earlier - earlier than the children, and I can get my alone time that way. I've never been an early to bed, early to rise kind of person, so this will indeed be quite the challenge for me. But I am motivated to do this .... it will be an interesting transition - I have a feeling I will get a lot of reading done over the next few nights, as I lay in bed for several hours as I think my learning curve will be pretty steep!