Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Not listening ...

Today I had the chance to read this over here:
Isaiah 40:11 He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.
[emphasis hers ]

I suppose I should have read that and felt better about everything. I should have put a smile on my face and thought, that's a great verse and just when I needed to read it!
Instead I read it and thought yeah, well apparently I am not very leadable because I don't feel anyone is doing any leading of my these days and certainly not gently.
Which of course leads me to believe my issues these days are probably stemming from my attitude more than anything else. Although I'd rather I could blame it on the never-ending illnesses, the stress of buying a house (which happens tomorrow) with the packing and cleaning nad organizing and all that jazz.
And the even sadder part, is right now I'm just too crabby and tired to even think about how to change it, which makes me slightly depressed.

So in another note, we happened to be watching Little House on the Prairie today - the one where Laura is getting her dd baptised and has asked Mr. Edwards to be the Godfather, while not knowing he is struggling with alcoholism.

So my 7 year old asked me who her godparent was and we chatted about how she hasn't been baptised yet it's something she must do. And she said "Well, I already asked Jesus to be my Savior mom, so I'm probably ready to be baptised."
::blink, blink:: So I casually remarked "you did?" thinking she was mistaken because surely I would have known (and secretly wanted to be a part of that prayer). And so she explained to me that a while ago, when she was having trouble falling asleep and was thinking about what she had learned at church, she prayed to God to ask Him to be her savior and told Him that she believed He sent Jesus to earth and He died on the cross for her sins and she wanted Him in her heart.
Oh. I didn't know.
Now I feel like a person with a bad attitude who is also a crappy mother, because surely, oh surely, I should have known she prayed this. So on one hand I'm thrilled she did that, and she understood what she did and she did it on her own, not waiting for someone to lead her through it - but really thinking and deciding to do it.
On the other hand, I'm sad I wasn't a part of it, that I didn't get to talk to her about it and share that moment with her and then celebrate with her. I wanted that moment. Yes it was very selfish of me, but it's the truth - and I'm not about lying here just to look better to the outside world.
I think she picked up on my feelings because as she was holding my hand she said "Don't worry mom. Someday you can help M and maybe even C pray their prayer."
I suppose I shouldn't be too shocked by this all. She always has been independent. And I have always been a bit saddened by it. I dreamed of helping and teaching and guiding. What I find is mostly she is already 5 steps ahead of me and I'm in the background fumbling to keep up.
But I love her and I'm glad she did it, even if it wasn't with me, it's a good step for her to have taken.
And now, we will start discussing baptism. And this time, I know she needs my help because the church won't do it without me! LOL!

1 comment:

Tammy said...

Brandie, Brandie, Brandie......I wish I was closer and could say, just go take a relaxing bath, have a cup of tea or cocoa, go, get away for a bit for yourself. I am thinking of you.