Last night dh and I had a little fight. Okay, well, I wanted it to be a BIG fight, but I kept my voice low as the girls were sleeping and the thought of them waking up to shouting parents wasn't on the agenda for the day. Well a fight with my dh wasn't on my agenda either, but it must have been on his - since he started it. And yes, I realize saying he started it makes me sound all of 6 years old. But it's the truth. He started it.
He said something very hurtful. And then, just to add salt to open wound he dared me to prove him wrong. I'm not kidding. He said, and I quote "Go ahead. Prove me wrong." I bit my tongue very hard. Very hard. While a bunch of not nice words ran through my head. While visions of me screaming very loud at him ran through my mind and while I was inside my head compiling a list of every wrong he has ever committed in an effort to not make this little fight a one-sided bashing of moi. And instead I sat quietly. Okay I stood. Silently. Which he took to mean I couldn't prove him wrong and thus his hurtful comments were okay.
That's when I had to set him straight. That's when I told him if I even attempted to open my mouth to prove him wrong than we might not speak to each other for a few minutes. That I was fuming inside. And instead of saying something, okay, really instead of SCREAMING something I would regret the next day I was going to remain silent for a while.
I am proud of myself for knowing when to hold my tongue. I am proud of myself for not flying off the handle and screaming. I am proud of myself that when I finally did speak I did not sit there and attempt to "prove him wrong" by listing a bunch of crap, but simply said to him, "If you do not honestly believe I am doing the best that I can, then nothing I can say will convince you right now." Because, well, it's the truth. We've been married almost 7 years now. I truly believe that.
So last night I was mad, beyond mad, just furious and ready to fight.
Tonight I am sad. One, he never did apologize for the hurtful things he said. (In his defense he did come home and say the house looked nice and was being very sweet today whcih I get is his little way to try to right the wrong, but I wanted to hear him say sorry I wanted to hear him acknowledge he said something hurtful). I am also sad because tonight we talked about how being here, in this house, trying to get ready for the gp's to come home, was a BIG part of what happened last night. In fact, if they werne't comign home - no fight would have happened. Or if we were in our house, it wouldn't have happened. BUT then he said he didn't want to think about moving now. Ummm, okay. Being here is becoming an issue for us, but he doesn't want to move? Okay ... so what's more important, the house or us? I don't know ... I know he doesn't really think the house is more important than me, but yet at the same time, I am ready to move. I am ready to start house hunting. I am ready to be in our place, with our own space, and all that jazz.
I guess the good news tonight is I don't really hate my dh anymore. And yes, I did sort of kind of hate him yesterday (although I still love him). But I'm not sure I like him yet again ... maybe that will come tomorrow.