Friday, August 03, 2007

The Silver Lining ...

My husband has hardly been at home this week. In fact, you might say our home has merely become a place for him to sleep. He's been busy with work. And although I am pleased he works so hard, frankly it completely and absolutely sucks. I have feeling like a single mom - because I NEED the help he gives me. I crave it. I crave time and space and a break, generally he provides me with these things. But my guess is home will mostly be a bed for him until Halloween - given all the changes at work, the fact that he will start another side job, and a whole list of other reasons. And I hate it.
I mean, I really hate it. I do not know how mothers who do not have husbands/significant others or wives who husbands travel for work often do it. I stand in awe of them and just amazed by what they can accomplish. I'm sure I could survive that lifestyle if I had to, but I'd probably barely survive. And some of you do it so wonderfully and make it look so effortlessly, I applaud you. Because, frankly I am ready to rip my hair out, kick my husband's @ss and send the kids all away to camp for a week.
I was telling my mother all of this yesterday and she said "Well, I think you need to just be grateful that at least you can be home. That is nice, especially for the kids." And I think she is right. I can't imagine how chaotic things would be if both dh and I had to juggle jobs, especially with how chaotic his happens to be. And I know that I should be glad I can stay home. But some days that is the issue. I stay home. And I want to get away. I want to walk a mall without a stroller. I want to sit at a restaurant and not try to entertain the kids. I want to grocery shop without little ones asking for more things than we need to buy. I just want a break. But really what I want is a husband who is home for more than 8 hours a day.
This sucks. It really sucks. And I miss my husband and my kids miss their dad. But unless we'd like to sell the house, stop eating and not wear clothes that fit, this is how it will be for a while. But it's tiring on me. And it wears me out and some days it feels too much to handle it all alone.
But I will try to hold my mom's words in my heart. At least I am home. And at least they have someone who they know will be home when they need a hug or to hear a story or a playmate or a lap to lay upon - even if that someone is crabby some days!


Hind's Feet said...

I 100% understand. Believe me, I really do, no false sympathy here. I just keep telling my dearest hubby thanks for working so hard to love us, and that helps me to realize that I must do the same. But, in the meantime... oh so very hard! I'll be praying.

Damselfly said...

I have only one child, and some days I too feel I just want a break!!! And then I remind myself, like your mom did, that I am fortunate to be able to stay home for him and be there for him. It's a tough balance, isn't it, to want two conflicting things at the same time: to stay home with your child, and to get a break from being a caregiver all the time.