Thursday, July 28, 2005

I am a big old ...

blob. That's what I am. I am one of those people who really does hardly anything at all.
It's not that I don't want to be doing things. It's not that I avoid doing them. I live in a house with 3 other adults. I do not cook. Someone else does (by choice and I offer to cook to help out and she wants to cook). I do not have to do all the cleaning - some, not all though, because well, like with my dh's grandma .. her neuorologist told her that any cleaning she could do, she should keep on doing as long as she is able. It's like her therapy almost and also the reason she cooks? So she does what she can and dh and I do the rest.
My kids and I play together a lot during the day, but there is also a lot of time where they have independent play or they play together and don't exactly want me with them.
I do some of the grocery shopping, but my dh also does it, grandpa also does some, and grandma sometimes goes to the store with her daughter (my aunt) when aunt does her shopping and grandma likes to go along and then will shop.
I mean like today. I woke up, got the kids breakfast (of cereal), took 5 year old to camp and came back home. 2 year old and I had a tea party, then she wanted to have a tea party with just her baby. Then we walked a few blocks to the park. She played while I half-watched her and half-read a book. Then she was ready to walk more, so we went to a garage sale where she was promptly ready to return home, so we came back. We had about 30 minutes before it was time to get 5 year old, so she rode her tricycle while I sat outside by her and read. Then we got 5 year old. We came home and I fixed them lunch, cleaned up. 5 year old fell asleep within 5 minutes of lunch (they must really wear her out at camp!) and 2 year old and I had another tea party. Then 2 year old built some block towers while I laid by her and rested. Then she went back to her tea party with about 10 stuffed animals!
When 5 year old woke up, her and 2 year old went to their room and listened to music. I went up and played around (which means I danced and acted silly) and then I left them to play and read some more. I did some straightening up in my room and in the living room. Then we all went outside. The kids played on their scooters with the boy across the street. I chatted with neighbor mom for a while and then read. Dh came home and we ate the dinner that grandma cooked. Then I had to leave so dh did dishes and played with the kids.
But seriously, I do nothing all day long but sit and read mostly. I feel kind of depressed about it now becuase it seems like every other mom does a million and one things. Tomorrow, it will be the same thing, except I will probably vaccuum and take the kids to the pool in the afternoon.
Saturday will be hte same thing, but no camp for 5 year old and we will probably go to the library and I'll do laundry. Which is another wierd thing. The four of usually create 3 loads of laundry a week, 4 on a busy week, and lately I've been doing one load midweek becuase 2 year old is potty training!
I tried to get into an exercise class, I can't find one during a time when either a)dh would be home or b)I can find a babysitter for the kids. I looked into taking a quilting class (becuase I really want to learn how to do it). Again, I can't find a sitter for the kids. There's my biggest problem. I can't find a regular babysitter. I have some people I can call for the once-in-a-while sitting, but not something on a regular basis, kwim? I know a lot of people who want to do it full-time, but I don't need full time. I got a very part-time job in the spring, I gave notice at the start of this month, although my boss is never there and I've left messages for her to call me back and she hasn't @@ I had to give my notice via a phone message (one of the reasons I don't want the job anymore - the person I would report to, is NEVER there!). I told my dh I should join the Jaycees or a Kiwanis club or something like that. The problem is he works all the time, and I can't find a babysitter!
I NEED a life. I NEED to do more things. I NEED something to do so that I can feel like I'm a productive member of society. I need a steady part-time babysitter and money to pay that person with LOL!!!!
Okay, I just have this desire to do more with my life, but yet I feel like I can't figure out a way to do that. Even my dh doesn't have any advice to offer me, and usually he can give out way more advice and ideas than you want to hear!!!


Mel said...

I say enjoy it while you can and don't feel guilty!

Smoov said...

Ok, what I think you need to do is make some friends. You make friends, spend time with them, eventually you learn to trust them and can take turns babysitting each others' kids. I don't know what hours your dh works, but surely he is home sometimes right? I totally understand why you might be feeling depressed, etc. I would too. I had nothing else going on but babies for 10 straight months and I nearly lost my mind!