Sunday, May 15, 2005

I am still alive ...

Hard to beleive, but it's true.
I am here.
I'm just sleeping a lot and feeling icky a lot. Not to complain, but I'm sick of being sick adn tired of being tired. It is really wearing on me these days, and it's wearing on my family.
I tried to cut back on the sleeping medicines, but I got so awfully sick, I had to go back to taking it every day. I am about 10 weeks now so I am really hoping that means within 2 weeks I will get better.
This pregnancy is just so far out from what my first two were like. I can't really put it into words, but my other pregnancies never felt like this. This pregnancy is borderlining unmanagable for me. I can't explain it any other way. I asked my dh late last week if it was possible to just knock me out until November. This is how I honestly feel. I just want to go away and hide. I hate how I am feeling right now. I hate seeing how my family is not enjoying this either. I hate that my 5 year old told me she wishes I wouldn't be sick anymore. It breaks my heart. It really does :-(
Not only that, but I'm having wierd feelings about this baby. I hate to type them becuase I'm afraid someone will read this and think yep, she's crazy. She's absolutely lost it. Lock her up in a padded room and throw away the key. But anyway, I am having dreams that my baby has down syndrome. Not that it would be the end of the world, please don't get me wrong here. But yet, for some reason the thought absolutely terrifies me. I mean, what is wrong with me to even think this? And what if this "feeling" is correct? What does that mean. I don't know ... I think it's silly for me to even think about it at this point too. I mean really, if I'm wrong, why waste the energy. And if I'm right, it doesn't matter. It can't be changed.
I think I'm just making myself worry becuase this pregnancy is so far out from my other two, that I'm looking for a reason why. I don't think there has to even be a reason why. Maybe my body is just more sensitive this time around? Maybe, as roughly 99% of my family is hoping this is a boy and so it's harder on me? Who really knows? And frankly, who really needs to know?
Blah. I think I just need a vacation! And I think I need to feel better and stop taking the medicine. And I think I need to stop thinking so darn much!
Anyway, I feel better getting it all out. And I'm really not crazy, I swear, just anxious and nervous! LOL!


Leslie said...

Brandie, I know you're NOT crazy. When I was pregnant, I oftened wondered if my babies would be healthy or not and also had some wild dreams. I'm sure you know how many wild hormones there are raging in a pregnant woman's body... and besides, you seem like the analytic type (like me) always thinking. My dh says my brain's always in high-gear & he's right. : ) So, hang in there Brandie & I'll be praying for the icky sickness to go away hopefully very soon!
I hope I could reassure you that you ARE still a good Mommy! (because I can tell that you are!)

Mel said...

((Brandie)) Hang in there. Eventually this will all be over . . . and then you can be sleep-deprived. :)