On homeschooling ...

We have completed 2 weeks so far. And I have to say, I'm pretty unhappy with it.
Not unhappy with the choice to keep the kids home, not unhappy with their work (my oldest is doing quite well if I do get a chance to brag a bit!). I'm unhappy with the direction we are taking. Frankly, most of what we are doing is boring. I want it to be fun and exciting. I want my kids to be enthusiastic about learning and doing their schoolwork.
So I think, I'm going to take a very big directional change with how things go around here from now on. I want to have a LOT more reading going on ... reading, reading, reading ... my goal is a minimum of 2 hours reading total a day. I also want to incorporate more creativity into our day. Painting, drawing, sketching, writing, acting out plays, singing, building, etc, etc, etc.
I really think my kids will not only have more fun with this, but blossom more and learn more in the long run. I still want to do all the academics - writing, math, science, social studies, but yet I want to do more than just that.
I originally kept them home because I did not like the classroom setting as a whole nor do I think my oldest especially will do as well in that sort of environment. It occurs to me that over the last two weeks, we've recreated a classroom here - just with a lot less children! Well, if that's the case and all I'm going to do, it's silly to keep her home, IMO. So I'm going to jazz it up a bit, change things around.
Fall is coming upon us. I dream of going to the park, doing some reading, maybe some math, then observing the nature around us, drawing what we see, writing poems about it, running around the park, playing on swings, do some more artwork, have a picnic lunch, do some reading, and play some more. Now maybe I won't have something that sweet going on here, but I sure will try! So, here's hoping this week we can get the essence of that vision in what we do. We have already started a few painting projects, my oldest has a purse on the loom, the youngest is creating collages, and I think we are off to a great start honestly.

In other news, this week should actually be a hectic one! We have several errands to run tomorrow, I think my g3 will start gymnastics Wednesday, Saturday we will do family pictures (FINALLY! LOL!), my g3 will become g4 Sunday (boo-hoo!), next week the girls start some classes, Awana starts back up, my moms birthday is coming up, I have about 2 million projects myself to finish in the next few weeks, and blah, blah.
I hope that I can find some peace and quiet with the kids through my newfound direction in schooling them.
DH starts his third job in two weekends, and next weekend is packed with activity ... so I'm also trying to mentally prepare for him to be working 7 days a week, minimum of 12 hours a day. This time of year is always hard on me, but this year, I already feel stressed to the max and so I'm nervous about getting through it in one piece. I have decided to go to the Y this week, check it out, and start my membership. That way I can start working out (and hopefully start working out frustration) as well as getting a brief break from the kids each day when they are in the childcare room. It will also give me a place to go when things get too stressful around here. Dh wants to wait until November to start the membership - um, yeah, cause he will be working every day from now until then! I want to start now so I can find a mini-get away while he's busy working each day! LOL!

Happiness is ...

Happiness is

1. the baby sleeping for more than 2 hour stretches (one week of it and still going strong! YEAH!)
2. swinging in the hammock with my dh
3. my child telling me she loves me as she gives a great big bear hug just because
4. catching up with my cousin on the phone yesterday =) Hopefully I will have more catching up with some phone calls today!
5. sleeping in on a Saturday morning
6. doing pilates with my girls - okay doing pilates is not happiness, but the girls wanting to be like me makes me happy ;-)
7. Doing more catching up yesterday - one with a friend expecting a baby boy in November (and I hate to admit it but we haven't spoken in about 14 months :X) and another cousin who just bought a new house!
8. Hanging out with other moms who, like me, are not quite perfect and being able to commiserate together on the tough days!
9. Trying something I wouldn't have thought to try a year ago, and even if it doesn't work out, being satisfied just in trying and not letting fear of failure hold me back!
10. Buying 30 boxes of crayons for $3.00, 30 glue sticks for $4.50, 5 bottles of glue for 45 cents, and 10 notebooks for $1!!! I love deals on things like that LOL!
11. Good friends to laugh with and cry with.
12. My dh letting me sleep all night long while he contended with the baby!
13. Finally finish knitting all the pieces to make my dds sweater (last night at about 11:45pm I did it LOL!)
14. Birthday celebrations
15. A cousin staying to help decorate cookies and a cake even though she doesn't have to and probably has about 100 other better things to do - all just to help out!
16. Whole grain goldfish ... I love them and so do the kids!
17. A cousin who will watch the girls and give me a break!
18. Pretty pictures drawn for me by the kiddos!
19. My daughter walking up to me, on her own, and asking to start school
20. Hanging outside with the family on a beautiful day
21. A cremsicle shake on a warm day.
22. Venting with a friend when I'm feeling stressed and knowing she is just listening and not judging at all.
23. Babyboy suddenly deciding he did not need to be attached to my hip all day today!
24. Not having to wake up for school early this am when we were awoken by a bad thunderstorm in the middle of the night ... homeschooling is good for that ;-)
25. Playing a new game called Fish Tycoon ... I am trying to convince dh that I need to buy the full version
26. dh pampering me when I don't feel well.
27. sleeping 5 hours last night all because I pulled babyboy into our bed - apparently he sleeps well in our bed.
28. Welcoming a new little one into our circle of friends! Welcome little Miss M! =)
29. Babyboy giggling hysterically in his sleep in the middle of the night!
30. Finally buying Fish Tycoon (see number 25)
31. Paying off debt (as of today, my dh and I are officially debt free! WOO HOO!!)


August is Happiness Is Month! Come on and play!!

Well ..

I had fun things to write about tonight ... earlier I couldn't wait to come and type.
But then my mom called. Not feeling ready to go into details, but my youngest sister is in the hospital right now. :-(
I just, I don't know, maybe it's what she needs (no she is not in there because of infection, virus, cold, etc).
Here's hoping she gets out soon, but yet not too soon if that is in fact where she needs to be to get the help that she needs.

Misc Updates ...

So, we started school last week. It's going really well. Once again my 6 year old is blowing me away. Things are just too easy for her - much like when we started last year. We are going to plug along with the easy stuff to build up confidence, and soon it will be getting harder - well at least I hope so. I had some logic puzzles that I thought would really test her. Well they did, for one day. Now she has it down and runs with it. I do hope they pick up here as we get farther into the book. We'll see. I have another math book that has some puzzling tasks so I think it's time to pull that out soon (something I thought I wouldn't be using for a few years @@)
My 4 year old keeps asking to do "school" as well. I've given her a few projects to work on. She does them, for all of a few minutes, and moves on to just playing. It's fine with me, and it shows me where her attention span and readiness is (which is where I thought it was - not ready to start anything).
Babyboy has been pretty cooperative through all of this, which I very much appreciate! =)

On other notes, I have not started running. :-( I want to, I do. I can not seem to get away to run. My dh leaves for work at insane hours in the am (Last week he left for work between 4:30am and 5:30 am each day). And he is staying at work late - getting home at 6 or 7, then it time to get the kids down, babyboy gets exceptionally cranky at that point. When can I go? I can't. However, some very good news, is that in a mere 3 days we will be out of debt. Completely debt free. I do not kid when I tell you we have paid off a ton of money over the last 2 years. I think the average american has something like 7500 in debt. 2 years ago we had more than that, we had more than double that. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited! I think we shall have champange to celebrate no debt.
But, that means we've been making hefty credit card payments to get it paid off. Now we won't have to (but we plan to stock pile the money away and pretend we are still making those payments as a house purchase should be soon).
So, I say all this because our treat to ourselves will be memberships to the local YMCA. That means I can go work out and take the kids to the childcare and finally get going on this. I am SO excited. Dh even said, he plans on coming home, having dinner with us, and then maybe all of us heading over there so he and I can work out together. Or maybe he'll go over there, take the kids, and give me some free time at home - however it works out. I am so excited. I wanted a membership there this spring, but it would have delayed paying debt off, and in the end I decided it was not worth it.
So, for the moment running is sidetracked, but it's still on the agenda.
And I swear this time I am not saying I can't get away as a convenient excuse. I really can't get away. And it's eating me up. I am eager to get started!
Aside from that, not much else going on here. I'm very anxious to move and move soon. That is definitely on my radar right now. It's not on dh until Jan. 1 but I can look on-line all I want and plan the perfect place to move without him ROFL!! =)

Really on journaling ...

Okay, so about this journaling, which is what I had originally set out to write about last night ...
I have loved journals. I started keeping my own in middle school. What first prompted me to write was Ann Frank's diary. I used to imagine that I would live through some very important historical event and my diary would be one of the few things left to document it. So I wrote. Mostly about silly things honestly! As I didn't have any historical thing happening, and honestly, were it happening, I probably would have been oblivious to the real impact of what was going on around me.
Anyway, I kept my journal. And as I mentioned yesterday I had the love of my life in high school. And so I wrote about him in my journal. And I wrote about my sad heart and the love that would not be and how I was sure I was destined to grow up old and lonely and bitter because no one would ever be as great as he was.
And that's when it happened. My younger sister (who was 3-4 years old at the time) went in my room, grabbed my journal, brought it to my dad and asked him to read it to her. And read it he did, although not to her.
I was so upset. I was devastated. He teased me, thought it was funny, and said half of it didn't even make sense to him.
I yelled at him, I went to my mom, I cried, I was determined my entire life was ruined. Well, my life was not ruined, but my trust was destroyed. I vowed to never write in a journal again. Because I didn't feel comfortable writing what was in my heart. And I didn't. And I took the diary my dad read and burned it. I was beyond upset.
I wish now I hadn't burned it. I'm sure it would have given me a few laughs now, and I wish I hadn't stopped keeping one.
I picked up journaling again briefly during my pregnancy with my oldest daughter. Mostly I wanted to journal the pregnancy to someday show to her. But it didn't last long. And I didn't think about it again.
Until March of 2004. I read about a group of moms who all kept journals for a week and read each other journals to better learn about each other ... to learn about moms who worked, moms who stayed home, moms with several kids, moms to one, etc, etc. I was a member of an AOL message board. I thought the idea sounded neat, so I went to my message board and proposed we all start blogs on-line to better learn about each other.
[I will interject here to say I am responsible for Actual Unretouched Photo, My Life or Something Like it, sMoov, as well as a few more but those links I could pull up very quickly]
And so began my new blogging fever.
At first I mostly blogged about fluff ... not really ready to trust and really expose myself. But as I blogged and read more blogs I felt a need to open up more. So I did. But I started another blog through tripod. I released the address to only a few people and wrote to my hearts content. I made sure to not use my families names so no one could google my family and find the site. I wanted to be able to write freely, but I wanted protection from people reading it who shouldn't and laughing - much as my dad did that day roughly 12 years ago. It stung. And it hurt. And I don't want to go through that again.
Now I blog sometimes getting deep and really opening up. And sometimes I blog still guarded about what I will release.
What I will do with these blogs of mine I do not know. Will I save all the entries? Do I want my children to someday read all of this? Honestly, my husband doens't even read this blog - he knows it exists, he's never asked for the address and well, I've never offered it freely. Not that he doens't know anything I write about in here, but I don't know, it would seem weird to me if he was reading it. Maybe that makes me weird.
But that is my story on blogging, on journaling, on writing my deepest darkest thoughts ... or on not writing those deep dark thoughts.

On journaling ...

I've always been drawn to journaling.
I used to keep one as a child. Mostly started in junior high. And then in high school.
And in my journals I was honest - blatently honest. And at one point (okay, more than one time, but this particular time) I was in love. It was true love. True love of the most deepest kind ever. Of course, the problem with all of this love is that it was unreciprocated love. The love was walking a one-way street.
It was painful. I was in love with my then best friend Mark. My world revolved around him at the time. I am actually blushing as I write this now remembering all of this. We were connected, bound to be tied to each other for life ....
I met him in 8th grade. I loved his hair, his eyes, oh, well, I loved just about everything. Except for the fact that he was dating one of my friends. He advised me to get a boyfriend so we could doubledate. I did. A loser. I didnt' really like him, but how could I let my true love down? and maybe if we did something together, like a double date, he would "dump" his then girlfriend and discover I was his true love just waiting to be ...
I did eventually dump my guy, he broke up with his girl. And I hoped upon hope upon hope. Until I was sidetracked by guy B ... eh, what can I say ... I was young, free, wild - okay,s o I wasn't, but Homecoming was coming up and I didn't want to be dateless! LOL!
But I felt so badly for B that we didn't last long. I never even kissed him. I was on my second boyfriend, 14 year old and still had not been kissed.
And then I got brave ... very brave. I told best friend that I didn't want to be friends anymore. Just like that. Told him. He wasn't shocked. He knew. He said he liked me, as friends, and that was that. So to spite him I started to date a kind of bad boy/popular/jock at school. Well, that didn't work out too well. Bad boy/popular/jock, whom we will rename as jerk, and I broke up, and my friendship was on the rocks. But that was it. I was done with guys. Recently turned 16 and jaded. I had only had a few boyfriends, all 3 of which weren't exactly the nicest guys on the block and the guy I was madly in love with wasn't talking to me all of a sudden.
Fine. Then. I was done. with. boys. forever. Except, I really wasn't!
My friendship with love of my life got good again. I did manage to stay away from the whole dating scene for almost a year. When in walks another loser - we'll call him stalker boy. Well, it's not like I knew he was a stalker when we first started dating. I was soon to be 17 and apparently dumb still.
Anyway, things with him didn't work out so well. We broke up. And at the same time the love of my life and I had a HUGE fight. I mean BIG fight. The problem was I didn't know what it was about. I tried to hard to figure it out and to no avail. I managed to find out later, through the grapevine, stalker boy was extremely jealous of friendship with love of my life and did things to sabbotage our friendship so he could have me all to his self. I suppose, in some wierd twisted way that should be a compliment, but I'm glad I didn't think so back then and knew it only meant to stay even farther away from him than I had already planned to!
So love of my life and I became friends again once it was apparent I really wasn't the mean, back-stabbing friend he thought I had been. And that's when it started to get tricky. Prom was coming up, our friendship was back on track. I was still in love with him. Life was good in that "I am stuck only being friends with the guy I totally love" sense. And prom came and went. And ym hopes of hooking up with him were dashed again. Until he told me that he really did want to ask me to the prom but was too nervous. He decided he was in love with me too, and we should have dated, but he changed his mind and dated someone else. I was livid. Just livid. So done with him, it wasn't funny. I moved on, and dated the next loser - we'll call him wimpy boy. Of course at the time, wimpy boy was the love of my life and we were going to get married, but get this .... the whole time he was telling me how much he loved me, he was cheating on me with the girl my real true love of my life was dating! How dare she, steal one guy from me and now two?! Not to mention, how could she cheat on the real love of my life! He was a gem, a jewel, an amazing guy! The nerve! And then to top it all off, the love of my life admitted he was deeply in love with me, but now far away at college and so it was meant to be the love that never was ...
Yes, high school drama can be so fun when you look back on it! But it all exploded a few weeks after I left for college. So there I was, my second month at college, boyfriendless, friendless, feeling sad.
And that's when I met my now dh - as my mother has said "The first non-loser Brandie ever dated!" Now, if that aint' a compliment, I don't know what is!
But I have to admit, in the back of my mind I still wonder about my friend. What is he doing? (he's in med school somewhere in the US right now) Is he dating anyone? (Last I heard, no he is not) Does he think of me?
I know I shouldn't, but I think of him. I'm sad I never got to kiss him just once. But I'm glad I never got to kiss, not even one time did we cross that line.
I imagine if we met today, things would feel awkward at first, but after a few moments, I have no doubt we would be laughing, remembering all the silly, funny, stupid, crazy things we did during our teen years. I imagine my dh would like him, think he was an okay guy. I have to picture if he is with anyone right now, she is a nice girl.
I think of him and I smile. I do. I'm glad I'm here now though. I'm glad he was the great love that was never meant to be. I'm glad our friendship survived high school, that he was always there for me to call or go hang out with. As a matter of fact, I should even go e-mail him now and see where life has taken him. [We do typically exchange e-mails about once a year when something big happens i.e. I'm getting married, I got into med school, I just had my third baby]
It is getting close to what should be a ten year high school reunion, I have to wonder if he will be there ... if I will be there ... and then my dh can meet him. I'd like them to meet. I'd like my dh to know who this person was who was so important to me back then.

Okay ....
that is honestly not the direction I had planned to take tonight at all ... but it was a fun trip down memory lane for me.
Tomorrow I shall write what I originally planned to write tonight! LOL!

Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten

Music Video of Unwritten by Nataha Bedingfield I am just loving this song right now ... I even turned it into the ringer on my phone! I called myself several times to make sure it worked tonight. And yes, my dh did laugh at me and say I was quite silly!

There is hope ...

So reading other blogs - which I like to do often - and came across Rocks in My Dryer and over there she's talking about sleep issues and insomnia.
So I read - 1) because I like to read her blog and 2)I have trouble falling asleep at night - I toss and turn, no matter how tired I feel, I just can't fall asleep. Now, I have been complaining about being tired lately due to baby being around - but this is not a problem that is just around when I have a baby. Oh no, I have been fighting it forever as far as I am concerned.
Now, I have anxiety issues - which I think I have actually mentioned before, and I always thought the anxiety was why I couldn't fall asleep - all those racing thoughts running through my head, that I just can't turn off my mind - even when I'm soooo tired it hurts, etc, etc.
But I've been working on the anxiety (thanks to therapist T) and it's getting better - not 100% where I want to be, but a lot better than where I was 2 years ago (when I honestly felt like I was on the verge of completely losing it and snapping because I was borderline to the point where I wanted to hide away forever and stop functioning in the world as it was too overwhelming which was easy to do with the internet because I only had to type what I wanted and no one could look at me and be wiser when I put on my facade ....
Okay, so where was I? Oh yes, the anxiety is getting better. But the sleep issue is not getting better. Even on the nights when my dh will take baby to let me sleep, I have a hard time falling asleep. Which just is wrong.
So, yes, over at Rocks in my Dryer when I see her mention Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. And I'm thinking at first delayed what? So I click and it sounds interesting. So I google DSPS to find out more. And the more I'm reading the more I'm thinking oh my gosh! that is sooooo me! that is exactly how I feel. Holy cow. How could I have not heard of this before.
So dh gets home and I practically run him over at the door - YOU HAVE TO READ THIS RIGHT NOW AND DON'T YOU THINK THAT IT TOTALLY DESCRIBES ME AND READ IT NOW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK!!!! Oh, yeah, hi dear, welcome home - READ THIS!
So he reads it. And he agrees. That it sounds like me practically perfectly.
And so now I feel like there is hope. What if this is in fact why I can't fall asleep at night and I toss and turn and turn and toss and never feel rested and feel kind of blah most of the time because I NEVER GET ENOUGH SLEEP.
I can't even believe it.
Dh and I are going to look into this more. We are going to figure out where to go from here, what to do about it. And hoping that babyboy starts to sleep through the night soon because once he sleeps through the night, then I'm going to be working on getting myself to sleep through the night!

One tired mommy ...

My child is sleeping terribly again. He was okay for a week maybe a month ago? But he is back to where he was and actually getting worse :(
I just don't know what to do about it. And I do not hold him all day - he gets put down and he does cry. And it does break my heart, but I can't hold him all the day long. I have two other kids and a house to take care of. Not to mention he is a big kid! It's not easy holding him all day long honestly LOL! Poor kid. But it seems instead of things slowly getting better, they are getting worse and rapidly. I hope this si the "it will get worse before it gets better" and that in a few days things will be doing really well.
In the mean time, I'm ready to run out of this house screaming as fast as I can. I need a BREAK. Not just a break, but a BREAK. I thought I would get one tonight, but lo and behold, dh got stuck at work @@ Which happens all too many times IMO. It is all adding up to make me want to just scream as loud as I can.
On the good side, a friend came over today and got us out of the house. We took my 3, the one extra I was watching and her one to the park. The older kids ran around and played. My babyboy mostly sat on my lap or crawled on me, but occasionally he crawled more than 2 inches from me. It was nice to get out with her and just talk and vent. And she talked and vented, so it did us both good I think. And it was nice to get out and chat. And even though babyboy was attached to me most of the time at the park, it just felt better than when he is attached to me at home ;-)

Well ...

It seems my son has recently developed an allergy. And not only did he get this allergy, but he contracted some sort of virus, sickness, whatever. It has gotten much worse over the course of the last few days. My husband and I have been treating it as best we know how, but my ability to be sympathetic towards him is wearing thin.
Unfortunately, this isn't something that we can rush him off to the doctor for ... you see my son's new allergy is to the floor and his new virus is need-to-be-attached-to-mom's-hip-itis.
I love him, I do, but this whole wanting to be held all day long and not giving me a break is really really really starting to wear on me.
Last night dh gave me some "free time." My son cried for about 30-45 minutes. Dh said he crawled around, dh believes that he was searching for me. And only after he had crawled around the entire basement did he consent to letting dh hold him. During which he cried for a bit more and then quieted down until he fell asleep.
Meanwhile, I was upstairs, hearing him cry, having my heart break for him, but at the same time, thankful he was screaming next to dh and I was at least getting a bit of a break. Probably I should have left the house, but it was 9ish at night and not many places to go. So I sat, watched Psych and did some knitting.
I know 9 months is a big seperation anxiety phase, but my other two were never this bad - constantly needing to be in my arms and crying if I was so much as 2 inches away from them ... yeah, they were nervous when we were out and about, but they were at least okay at home.
::sigh:: I just keep telling myself that this phase will pass too. And hopefully soon.

On other news, ever have that feeling someone is mad at you, but instead of just telling you they are mad or upset they ignore you? Yeah, I've got that feeling these days. It's frustrating. I just wish that if someone was upset with me, they would at least tell me, then ignore me so I knew what was up. Maybe the person is just busy and doesn't have a moment or maybe they are mad, or maybe my messages have been lost in translation ... I don't know. I just hate not knowing.

Sad ...

Grandpa has been not feeling well lately.
Anyway, the short version is that he is now in the hospital. :-( I'm sad. But glad he finally went to the doctor who sent him to the hospital. He needed to be convinced to go there.
I'm sure he will be fine, but I don't know. I see a lot of things happening here that happened to my grandpa before he passed away. It makes me worried.
Sadly the hospital is packed. Apparently a bad virus has hit our area. He went in through the ER - my dh (who was there) said people were in the halls of the ER. They said they needed to admit him to run more tests and watch him but there were NO rooms left and there were several people ahead of him waiting for rooms as well.
My dh's and my fear is that the hospital is full, the staff is overworked, and they will keep him the shortest time possible and let him go. And grandpa will say he's feeling better just to come home, even if he isn't really feeling better. He's that kind of stubborn guy! He didn't even want to go this time - but thankfully he did go.
I just have to say bless the people working at the hospital right now and I'm glad I'm not there. The staff surely has to be kept on their toes right now with all those patients.
I wasn't the one there with him, but I wonder will they transfer him if space is that tight? I don't know ....
Anyway, praying that they can figure out what is going with him and fix it. And he will be home in better health soon.

Pigsty

I feel like I'm stuck in a pigsty. Not because things aren't clean, it's because they are not organized. It's very frustrating. We have things everywhere - but we have no real place to put them anywhere. So they end up in piles and boxes and spread and all over the place.
All I want is to organize everything. I want book cases and shelves and storage bins and drawers, chests, cabinents, whatever I can get my hands on to organize these things.
Of course, this is not an option for me at this time. 1)this is not our house so I can't move all their things to organize mine. 2)the basement and our bedrooms are our "areas" to do as we please with. But with moving looming pretty near in the future - who wants to drag a bunch of furniture downstairs, unpack all the boxes we have, place things, only to have to repack boxes and move furniture out within a 6 month period? That would be silly to do. So for the moment I'm stuck. Not a whole lot can be done.
I could in theory reorganize my boxes and actually sort things out. I do this every so often since we have moved in here. And it seems like it lasts for about, oh, 2 weeks, before we have torn apart boxes in search of some missing things.
It's all frustrating and annoying and well, a PITA. We will move soon. We have to move soon. Or I will go out of my mind and just flip out!
And you know what will happen then? I'll complain that I have to organize things and find ways to procrastinate on it! Such is the story of my life! LOL!

Yet another crazy scheme!

So today, I kind of out of the blue, told dh I'd like to run a 3K race at the end of August.
"Yeah. Okay." He said - obviously this is not hte first time I have just told him something out of the blue that would make anyone else go "Really? Why would you want to do that? You are nuts! No way can you do that!"
So we'll see what happens with that. I am actually pretty sure I can not run in the race I want to run in, as I have a bridal shower later that same day that is far away. But I think if maybe I can pull it off I will try!
So, today I went to the track by our house. It wasn't pretty. Not one little bit.
I am embarrassed to say it, but I will anyway. I run roughly .39 miles. Then I walked about the same bit. And then I ran about .2 miles, and then I walked until I hit 1.5 miles total. And when I ran that last bit, everything was burning and I couldn't breathe too well.
So, yeah, like I said not pretty.
I have since come home and gotten some links to read (thanks wendy!) and realized I should have warmed up by walking first, then tried to move into running. But oh well, what's done is down.
I also read today when first starting to run, one shouldn't run more 2 days back to back. Who would have thought? Not me! I would have figured it would be better to run each day, but apparently it's not! Anyway, now I feel on a mission. I've never run before. I can tell you the last time I ran a mile was for high school gym class my junior year of high school? So not anytime recently. But I am going to work on it and see what I can do.
Prior to today, I would have never started. I would have assumed in the end I would have failed and so why bother even starting. Of course that meant I never did do anything too terribly tough becuase I never attempted to do anything hard which only made me believe that I couldn't do it. Afterall, there is not a lot of cofidence to be gained when you look back and have pretty much almost no accomplishments. But it's misleading. If I had tried a few things, maybe I would have achieved. but I never even tried. Pretty sad.
I don't want my kids to grow up like that. I want them to have confidence and not be afraid to try new things. And this is the kind of thing I think is best taught by example. So an example I will be. I will try. I will do my best. I may not run the race (can't miss the shower) but I will try to do it and we'll see what happens. I won't run it to be the first to finish. I won't run it to try to break any time records. I will run it to prove to myself that I am strong person who does not have to live afraid of failure and afraid to try. And I will show my kids that really, if they put their minds to it, they can essentially do anything!
Anyway, wish me luck and I shall try to keep progress posted! =)

I have a twin ...

I swear it. It doesn't matter that she looks like her parents, I look like mine, we were born in different months and in different years (although really it's only about a year that separates us). I swear we are twins. We are so alike it's scary. And yet, it's exciting!
I love calling her and talking to her. We see eye to eye on so many issues - and the issues we don't see eye to eye on, well, we are able to disagree politely and not get upset about it. We can talk about anything and everything, and actually we do! I can call her and say "I know this is crazy, but I was thinking ...." and chances are she has had the same thought! And then we laugh because we were both sure that we were the only person EVER in the world to think that.
I feel like I have a bestest friend ever - and well, apart from dh (which is great and I love him, but come on, every girl needs a girlfriend) I've never really had a best friend like this before.
I can laugh with her, cry with her, have her come over and help me great ready for a big fancy evident, or she could come over while the kids and I are still in pajamas, last nights dishes in the sink and me being exhausted cause the baby was sick and kept me up all night. And I wouldn't feel self-conscious or worried that she might think badly of me. I would be relieved she was over helping me get through the day! I could call her and ask her to babysit in a pinch or I could call her and tell her to get a babysitter cause we are going out to lunch sans kids!
I LOVE it. I have not had this kind of comradery with anyone before. It's amazing. I love it. And I can't imagine how I survived so long without that kind of friend in my life. I'm just glad that I did find it and she doesn't think I'm strange or weird or crazy (okay, well, she might actually think that about me, but it doesn't scare her away from being my friend! LOL!)
Okay. I'm all done gushing now. I just realized that I'm truly lucky to have this and I wanted to write about it

Pilates

So, Sunday I started to Pilates again.
Now, when my soon to be 4 year old was a baby still, I had to have the Winsor Pilates DVD's. So I went on-line and ordered them. Yes, them. Not only did I get the one DVD, but the DVD for arms, the one for butts, and the one for the tummy, along with the DVD set that included the basic work out and the advanced work out. You can imagine how thrilled this made my husband.
And I did it. I started with the 20 minute work out and after a week moved to the advanced work out. I even did the work out for arms once and the legs once. And then after an entire 3 weeks, I quit.
I had many excuses - the baby, my then 3 year old, keepipng up with the house, blah, blah, blah.
And the DVDs sat and sat and sat.
Until Sunday. Sunday I pulled it out and did the 20 minute work out. And I did it Monday. And I did it today. Since I stopped doing it last time, I kept saying that I was going to start again tomorrow. And tomorrow never came, until Sunday. Of course I'm doing it to be healthy - my cholesterol is on the higher side of normal, and I'm tense a lot - so it will be good for me to do this. Of course the real motivation is a dress that I'm wearing at a wedding in October. And it will look a bit better if my waist was a little less "poochy."
I have to admit, I'm enjoying doing it. And was actually bummed I didn't do it yesterday (you know between running around and trying to get my child to stop crying it didn't happen). So I hope I can continue to do it. And next Monday I think I'll be ready to move up to the advances dvd, but I want to take it slow and not put my body into too much shock ;-)

Holy Tired ...

I am so tired today it's not funny.
Babyboy did not sleep well last night. I'm actually not sure if he slept at all or not. We were up until very late - around 1. From about 10:30 to 1 he pretty much cried, screamed, whimpered, cried, etc, etc. Then he fell asleep in my arms. Every time I tried to move he would jump and scream.
So I held him for about 90 minutes all the while dozing in and out myself. At that point I nursed him and then managed to get him to sleep in his own bed - but he was up so often.
Today we actually had places to go, people to see and things to do - which is rare for us. So I could not catch a cat nap here or there as time allowed.
And he's been quite fussy all day. If he sees me, and I'm not touching him, then he starts crying. It's been rough with him for the last 24 hours.
So tonight dh says "let me try to put him to bed for you." Oh sure, because he's been so crabby today and dh thinks he just put him in his bed and he'll go to sleep. So I'm rolling my eyes as dh takes him upstairs - ready to go up and get him when I hear those first cries. And you know what? The kid laid down and apparently went to bed for my dh @@ Okay, I'm thrilled he's sleeping. I'm thrilled I'm getting a break from a clingy child. But hello! What does dh have that I don't have? Actually the question I should be asking is what doesn't dh have that I have. I'll tell you - breasts. Dh doesn't have them. So when babyboy looks at me he thinks: food! I must eat! Feed me now mom! Now! NOW! WAAAAHHHH. When he looks at dh he thinks: daddy! Haven't seen you around all day. Let's play.
I love feeding my baby. I love knowing that I can provide his nutrients and his food. I love the time we get together, when he eats and he looks up at me, pauses eating, and smiles, and goes back to eating. I wouldn't give it up unless I absolutely had to. But I will tell you this. I do not enjoy being thought of as a giant boob that must constantly provide milk for him.
But this time will end. He is my last baby. Once he weans, I will be forever missing those moments with him. I just also need a break every now and then. I know that and I can admit that. ::sigh::
I'll get it - I told dh he can choose to take baby Friday night or Saturday night - I don't care which, as long as I get one night of uninterrupted sleep. Which will be glorious and wonderful!

Woo-hoo!

It is too good to be true. Over the course of the last week - I have planned out my entire school year! Okay, not my school year, but the year for my 6 year old (who will tell you that she is going to be 7 soon and therefor almost grown up!).
So I have all my yearly goals and I have them broken down into month goals. During the next week, I will plan out our first month in detail - which will be easy, because for the first month we only go for 2 weeks. I also work on the unit studies for the second month as well. It feels so good to have it planned and things in line for the moment.
I will admit, it's not perfect. Some of the language arts is a little sketchy. I don't have a curriculum for it - I have guidelines for it, so I know what she needs to know by the end of the year, so I'm kind of winging it. And by winging it, I mean not using a set curriculum from a publisher and doing what they say to do, but pulling my own resources and creating a curriculum from several different sources. We will be keeping a close eye on it though so in case that doesn't seem to work for us, I will start researching curriculums later in fall.
The other up in the air thing is starting history now or not. I think I would like to dabble in it with her for now but not sure how to dabble in it. I know what curriculum I would like to do with her but I'm not sure if now is the time to start it. It is not a common first grade curriculum, but I don't want that to hold me back. However, I have filled our schedule with the other subjects. I think what we will do is take a few breaks from other studies during the year to do short history jaunts. That will be a good compromise I think. Glad I just thought of it LOL!!

Things going on here ...

Lots of things going on here lately.
First, dh's company is 90% sure they will be relocating to a place just 15 minutes away from where we lived 2 years ago. So that will increase my dh's commute when it happens. Not by too terribly much - it will probably jump from 20 to 40 minutes. We can live with it. But if we stay here (as opposed to picking up and moving across country) we will probably want to move closer to over there.
Second, dh told me he is going to put his business on the market when the season ends in November this year. This thrills me to no end because it takes too much of my dh's time, it causes him stress, and life has changed dramatically since we started the business a few short years ago. Along with this he will step down in a role he performs for my parents business, which also thrills me and again gives us more time as a family. He will still help them out, but just not in the capacity he currently does.
The background on all of this is that dh grew up with a workaholic father. He worked a lot and a lot. My parents had periods where they did nothing but work, but then had times where they didn't have to work so much, but at that point, well, hanging out with me was not what they wanted - and as these periods really started happening close my teen years - well, I didn't want to hang out with them either! LOL!
Dh vowed he would not spend his children's childhoods working away and not really knowing them, and I decided I wouldn't wait to get to know my children until they hit the point in life when they didn't want me to get to know them. I also always dreamed of staying home, but my dh working a 9-5 job and being home in the evenings and weekends and having all this glorious family time to spend. Then came reality. We started out with our first child young and broke. I was still going to college and dh was working his butt off to provide money for us. I worked part time when possible to help get bills paid. At that point dh had his full-time job and seasonal job for my parents (which is mostly every weekend in September and October with about 10-15 days of work sprinkled through out the summer). It wasn't that bad - we still had time together and when he was away I was doing college work and taking care of baby and blah blah blah.
Then we bought our first house - my "baby" was now about 18 months when we did it. Although we didn't buy a very expensive house - it was expensive for us. Our house actually was borderline condemnable when we bought it - we could not get the permit to occupy until we had completed 2 weeks of work (which including an entirely new electrical system, new flooring over 80% of the house, taking some parts down to the studs, re dry-walling those parts and then scrubbing and repainting every wall, new plumbing work, sealing leaks in the foundation, etc - which we were blessed to have friends - both who were professionals in terms of all this work and then just those good friends who came and helped. We did it all in 2 weeks and moved in. How I remember those days - we paid all the bills and at the end of hte month had about 20-50 dollars left in the account! But we were happy - I was still going to school, dh was working hard, we were so into our little girl. Then came dd number 2. She was born adn I still had one semester left in college (so still paying hte babysitter), dh had had a few raises, but we still were living on a pretty tight budget, and we were welcoming another member to our family. So things rolled along and dh decided there had to be a way to generate more money and so he started a business! And the business made money. At first was a simple business and didn't take up too much time, but ti was a good business. So after one year we tripled the business. Which took up more time. Dh couldnt' do it alone, so he hired a few employees. Now we are 3 years later and the business could grow even more, but dh has niether the time nor the desire to do it. He has recieved more raises at full time job, so money isn't so tight, we are about $3000 dollars away from being completely debt free and so there is no need for my dh to work 1 full time job, 1 part time job, and 1 seasonal job each and every year. You add up all those jobs and it means he is almost always working, almost always stressed, and almost always busy. We hardly get time together the two of us. He hardly gets time with the kids. He's stressed and tired. I'm stressed and tired, and it's just not worth it anymore. We want more than that.
So, the business will be sold (and it has already broke even so anything we sell it for will be pure profit for us! Yeah!) and he will lessen what he does for my parents.
So yeah, that is where things stand now.
So just think - one year from now things will be so different. We will not be in this house anymore and there is a possibility we will not even be in this state anymore! My dh will no longer own a business. He won't have to work more than a few weekends a year for my parents, we will be the parents of a 1 year old, 4 year old, 7 year old! All three of them will be running around and ready to have fun and we will have a husband and a father around more often to hang out with and spend time with. And though I know life won't be perfect, it will be a lot better in a space of our own with the time to actually spend time together!

Commercial ...

Pardon me while I give a little commercial here.
It's for a friend of mine ... our oldest dd's were born a few months apart. She lives down the block from my mom, and is a wonderful, smart woman.
She just wrote a book and I feel it's my duty to plug her book! It's such a neet book. It is called C is for Carbon.
This is a book about chemistry for kids. She is a chemist and she used to be a special ed teacher - so she is smart, knows how kids work, and the book is fabulous!!
Not only did she create this wonderfully fun, yet informative book, she also has lesson plans to use with her book (in case any fellow homeschoolers, teachers or parents who want to work with their kids at home are reading this).
I am so excited for her - and excited to use this book in my curriculum this year!! The best part is if this book takes off, she is planning on writing a series of chemistry books like this for children. And as I'd like to see more books from her, I have made it my duty to share this book with as many people as possible so that she can sell, sell, sell and start printing up the second book!
Anyway, I think it's a great book and it's written by a great mom.
So there, that's my commercial! Hope you enjoyed it ;-)

In an unrelated note, I'm going to be updating my links soon - they are dearly out of date. So, I know I don't have more than a few people reading, but if you do read and I don't have a link to your blog, please leave me one so I can add it =)

I'm not fat but ...

I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny.
I'm not fat, but I could tone up a few areas.
I'm not fat, but I have a little bit of a belly - both from food and from my 3 kids!
I'm not fat, but I have curves.
I'm not fat, but I have a larger chest area.
I'm not fat, but I often feel like crap about my body.
I'm not fat, but I secretly think that I am.

Why? Why, is it, that I can cognitively be aware of the fact that I am not fat, but yet I hate my body? Hate my curves? Hate my hips widened by pregnancy? Hate shopping for new clohtes? Get frustrated after walking out of yet another store without one thing that looks good on me? Feel like it's all my fault?

Well, I have decided (and was talking with a friend about this which is why I bring it up now) the problem is not me. The problem is the clothes manufactures. Woman's clothing is a joke. A size 6 in one store is an 8 in another, a 4 in another, and 10 in yet another. In one store, I can wear a size one size in their jeans, another size in skirts, and yet another size for shorts. Seriously, what is up with that?
I am in my 20's. I do not want to dress like a teenager, but neither do I want to dress like my mother. I have boobs. Decent sized ones at that - I don't do well in strapless bras, I can't wear the shirts with built in shelf bras, and they don't make bras in my size with tiny cute little straps easiy hidden. Yet, so many shirts out there are designed to be worn that way. And if I get a top with a large enough bust area, it hangs on my waist and makes me look bigger in the tummy. If I buy a shirt that fits my tummy area nicely, it's stretched across my chest, not giving me a look I particularly enjoy.
I don't want my shirts up to my neck, but I don't my boobs hanging out either.

Clothes shopping is frustrating for me. But I won't blame me anymore. It's not my body that is the problem. It is the lack of regulated sizes of clothing, it is the lack of manufacters thinking that all woman must be 5'8", 115 pounds, and a 32B. That is not me, and there is nothing wrong with me for being different.

Anyway, that is my latest realization. And I wanted to share ;-)

Melting ...

I'm melting. And no,it's not cause Dorothy just dumped water on me! I wish... with all this heat, a bucket of water would feel very nice! LOL!
It's so hot here. And I know it's hot in a lot of other places. And some places are even hotter than we are (hugs to all you people who have hotter weather than me). But I was not made to stand 100 degree weather. Yikes. So crazy.
Anyway, so I still want to move. It's been slightly more than a week and I'm ready to go. I keep telling dh that cause he thinks as we get farther and farther from vacation I will change my mind. Or the more I think about it, the more I'll change my mind. Hmmm ... we'll see, but so far, still liking the option of moving.
Nothing else going on here. I did realize the other day I have no language arts for my 6 year old. So, I guess I will be checking out first grade language arts programs for her. But I'm not too worried. I have the reading side covered ... it's the writing side, so it's not like if we started our year tomorrow we would have nothing, kwim?
Speaking of kids, my middle child will be 4 in like a month and half! Holy cow! Where did the time go? I can't believe she will be 4. She has requested a Froggy-themed party. Second was Care Bears. I tried so hard to convince her of care bears, but nope. Her mind is made up. And seeing as she will be 4 soon, I will let her pick and so frogs it will be! I guess she will start her next year of life off hopping!
Babyboy is good. We have a semi-schedule going with him and nights are getting much better. He also taking some food aside from nursing which is helping me feel better. I just couldn't/can't keep up with his demands. He doens't even do a full jar of babyfood a day, so he's not taking a bunch, but maybe 3/4 of the jar and it's enough to tide him over. Although we were given the jars and I dont' really want to have to buy more, so as soon as heat wave passes, I'll be pureeing (really botched that word I think!) my own fruits/veggies for him and trying to get him maybe to do foods with a thicker texture. We'll see - but for now, I'm pretty pleased with where we are with him.
Anyway, that's my happy update for now. I guess the biggest thing is it's still a happy update. I still feel refreshed and able to handle life - which is good, because we tend to be very hectic around here most days!

Wasting time ...

I made a list of all the things I would like to accomplish by roughly Halloween - yes it was a LONG list - and yet, here I sit on the computer wasting time.
Procrastination has been my specialty lately. I have procrastinated on pretty much every little thing and even a few big things that I'm actually quite embarassed about procrastinating on :-( But I don't know, I'm having a hard time actually facing the things i have to do. It seems we are in a period of huge transition and a lot of what I need to do represents change coming or loss of something or gain of something. And the losses are sad - very sad, but the changes and the gains aren't sad. They are just different and well, different scares me. It terrifies me to the point of paralysis. And although I'm kind of speaking figuratively, I'm really not. I mean, I write these lists. I think about doing these things. I want to do these things. I start to do these things. Then I stop because I can find something else to do or something else that should be done first, or that isn't the most important thing so I'll stop that to start this, but this isn't the most important thing so I'll stop this to start the other, etc, etc.
Hopefully though, my HUGE list will be my motivation. I'm calling it my "Fall To Do List" and so hopefully my making such a broad list that spans a few months it will give the ability to do things slowly, in my own way, but yet allow me to finish them and feel a sense of accomplishment. Well I can hope anyway!

Do I or Don't I ...

comment on current news? I haven't really done it in the past, but I don't know ... hmmm ... thinking about this ;-)

Big decisions ahead ...

Well, vacation was so much fun that it might leave more of a lasting impression than just memories and photographs. Dh and I have been talking and talking and talking and talking ... lots of talking lately, about picking up the family and moving to the New Hampshire/Southern Maine area. This would be quite the move and jump for us - going from a Chicago suburb to New Hamshire. Dh doubts my ability to actually survive a move like that, given most of our family (I'd say 90%) is here in the Chicago area. That said, we know that we will probably face a lot of negativity from said family in the area if we were to pick up and move.
But I have to tell you, moving out there seems right to me now and even dh agrees.
We have a lot to think about though - I've never wintered there, and we have a lot to research:

• job market,
• cost of average homes
• homeschooling there,
• doctors,
• dentists,
• will my teaching certificate transfer,
• what is the average income vs. cost of living,
• finding new friends for us and the children,
• what if my dd is in fact dx with something that will require therapy and intervention - can the services be found out there as well
• can I survive without my family close
• how often will we be able to fly back here
• how often will they be able to fly out there
• etc, etc, etc.

That's a lot of things we need to figure out. We also have that we were pretty set on buying the house we are in now if we could. But here's the deal, if we bought this house we would be SO straped for cash that would it be worth it if we had a nice house but had to eat pb&j half the month? I don't know. I'm not sure that dh knows either honestly.
But I tell you what, I am excited at the possibily of moving out there! It excites me. I think this area is just, I don't know, not for me anymore? Anyway ... we'll see what the future holds for us. We should make a decision about by Halloween. If we do move, then we will probably end up parting with lots of our things, so we would want to start trimming then and keep Christmas light if a move is coming in the spring like that!

Back ...

and refreshed.
Last week the family and I had a much needed vacation. It was fabulous and wonderful and full of so many great things (including a lot of new experiences for me as well as the rest of the family).
Let me tell you - this has been one rocky summer for me, for my dh and I, and well we've hit a lot of low points lately. This trip provided a much needed break from the daily grind as well as a good time for dh and I to reconnect.
I am back refreshed, re-energized, and a lot happier than when I left. I am so glad we took this trip (which we almost passed on when it was first discussed).
But we had a wonderful time and I'm back and ready to take on life again! Yeah!
Anyway, more vacation details to come soon I hope! =)

So much ...

to say .. no time to say it! Lots of updates coming after the holiday - I promise! =)
Until then ...
Happy Fourth of July! =)

Here we go again ....

with my 3 year old that is.
So, you know how sometimes you're just skipping along, thinking everything is all dandy and then WHAM! someone blindsides you with what you weren't expecting (or maybe didn't want to hear)?
Yep. happened today.
My 3 year old has a sort of long history - therapy, they thought she was autistic, then not, blah, blah, blah.
Well she has been having a lot of feet issues. So we took her to a podiatrist (sp) to get them looked at. And obviously gave her history (especially that she had been in physical therapy before and blah blah blah).
Went for the follow-up today. So doc says that she HIGHLY advises us to take her to a pediatric neurologist to be evaluated. She sees autistic tendencies in my 3 year old, that she has very low muscle tone, a lot of podiatry issues in kids are linked to neurological disorders and was frankly kind of shocked we weren't advised to do this before.
Well, we were advised to do that before. But we are also advised to take her in to another major hospital in the area and have her evaluated there. So we did. And they said there she was fine and no pediatric neuoroligst visit was needed for her. So we cancelled the appointment.
Boy, isn't hindsight 20/20?
And here I was just thinking recently how far she has come and I was so proud of where she is today given where she was not that long ago in her short little life. And then this. And so tomorrow I will call and take her in, and this time no one can talk me out of it.
And of course as I'm thinking in my head how stupid that is and she doesn't need a neuologist and dh and are I talking, we start to talk about some things. And you know what, when we really step back and look, well, yeah, there are still some issues present. And there are some things going on. And having her looked at is the right thing to do, but man. I'm worn out. One day one doctor is telling me there are issues and the next they are telling me there isn't any. I just don't know what to think. And sometimes I feel like I'm trying desperately to get the doctors the see the issues I see, and on other days I'm desperately trying to understand what issues they are seeing because I don't see any.
It is all very frustrating, and I feel like we are starting all over again with this merry-go-round of dealing with everything. And oh yeah, they want her back in physical therapy, and apparently intense therapy - like maybe twice a week? Holy cow. So I guess tomorrow I will be calling to schedule an appointment with a neuorologist (which I'm guessing it will take like 3-4 months to get in there) and I'll call her old PT for just an evaluation of where she is to see what she thinks of all of this.
But I don't know ... I'm not ready to be back in all of this again. To have to deal with it all again. To face the possibility that there is something going on with her. It's just so draining to do it all honestly. And I think, it's not like her issues are that bad - but yet, that's almost part of the problem ... she's probably a borderline patient .. and do we assume she falls on the side of the line that says she needs help or assume she falls on the other side and not help her?
Well ... I'll figure it out I guess after getting her in to see several doctors I guess.

Random utterings ....

So, life here has been okay. Some minor bumps in the road. I've found a house to move into ... and it's only a little more than double what we could afford. But gorgeous none the less, and of course reminds me even stronger of how much I want to move right now. But it can't happen at the moment. I have mostly accepted that fact. Mostly. But I still dream.
I have been trying to "simplify" life around me. Well, I guess basically I have been cutting back a LOT on some things - my computer time is probably less than a tenth of what it was a month ago, hardly any TV. But I've been filling time with being with my family - imagine that ;-) And crafting. We are spending huge amounts of time outside these days - walking, playing. I've discovered some areas around us that are great fun. And of course, I've been cleaning. The grandma still doesn't really want me to cook (well, the basic reason is the gp's don't like my cooking basically. Oh well. So I don't even offer anymore. It is met with no's and the few times I have cooked here, they haven't liked it, so I don't believe I will ever cook while they are home and we live with them). Eh, more time for me to do other things - which I have been baking. And so far everyone has enjoyed my baking so that's good ;-) And of course, cleaning. I hate cleaning. I really really hate it. I probably would do it a lot less often if we didn't have other adults living with us. But we do, and they want things clean. So I have been pretty good about keeping the house pretty darn good these days. I'm sure it's appreciated by the gp's as well as my family as well.

I'm happier right now than I've been in a while. Which is good. I have almost kicked drinking coke too ... big step. I won't even admit here how much I was consuming, but let's just say a good day was drinking only 3 cans. :X Yeah, pretty bad. Now I have one a day. And well, I feel much better doing that. And probably I won't even drink that much anymore, but instead of just not drinking it at all, I dropped to one a day and now I'll just drink one if I want one, which I haven't even really wanted one the last few days. So very good.

I think I got caught up in too many things - most of which was being upset about the living arrangement. And I was so caught up in being upset about it, I forgot to do something about it. I also think I tend to get stuck on this computer without meaning too and then half my day is gone. And really, not a good thing for anyone.

Anyway, that's life right now.
And before I forget - today dh and I celebrated our 7th anniversary. =) And I love him now even more than I did then, and I got to say, we are both still in love with each other as ever and that's great. We thought about it, in 7 years of marriage we have:
- had 3 kids
- bought a house
- had a college graduation
- sold a house
- bought a car
- started a business
- aquired a ton of debt
- paid off a ton of debt (about 95% of what we had is now gone WOO HOO!)
- stayed committed to each other
- and we still love each other and have passion for each other.
Overall, I'd say, I'm pretty glad I married such a great wonderful guy. And I plan to stay by his side until death do us part, through thick and thin. It's a good place to be in. No matter what else happens, I know he'll stand by my side, and I'll stand by his. So even on those days when I'm not very happy with him, I still love him and I know we'll get through that bump together. And for that, I am truly a very lucky and blessed person. =)

Some days ...

my children are trying to make me have a heart attack.
Today it was my 6 year old's issue.
The background:
At a relatives house. House in on a lake. On teh way there tell ALL children lake is off limits today and to not go near it or else.
Getting ready to leave: Ask 3 year old to go around back and tell 6 year old time to leave. 3 year old goes back and comes back and tells me "I can't tell A because she's on the boat right now." I say "You mean her and K are playing in the boat on the sand right?" She says "No, they are on the lake."
I'm totally thinking that the 3 year old is mistaken and so I go around back. 3 year old is not mistaken. My 6 year old dd and her 6 year old cousin are on the lake in a paddle boat, with no life jackets and without having anyone's permission at all.
Um. Yeah. That's a problem.
Okay. Trying not to just start screaming and sounding like a raving lunatic at her.
Bottom line is we went home. She spent the rest of the day inside. She will not play wiht her game cube for a week. She may not go on the lake (with permission, life jacket and adult) next time we visit even if the other kids are out there having fun.
And then it was big talk time with the parents - and we were honest and up front and did scare her a bit. We talked about what happened if she fell out of the boat in the middle of the lake (she can't swim and her cousin can't swim either). We talked about how if that happened she could have drowned, which means she could have died.
She was very repentant. She cried a lot. She said she was sorry. We told her we loved her and wanted to keep her safe and that was all we were trying to do.
In short. I think she got it. I doubt we will see her pull that stunt again. And well, I hope that next time we are over there said boat is maybe chained down and that even if she wanted to do it again (which I don't think she will after today) that she can't do it either.

A kind of peace ...

I think I have acheived a sort of peace within myself this week.
I'm glad I can finally feel this way, and only hope it isn't just a short lived phase!
I think 1)I got a lot off of my mind lately - amazing how far that alone took me. And 2)babyboy has gained a slight sense of independence these days. Mainly he can sit - and quite well - I'm talking 15-20 minutes at a time. Which means I no longer have him attatched to my hip all day. Maybe about half the day right now, but still, a HUGE improvement from where we were just last week. I also believe he too is enjoying his newfound bit of independence. I plop him down, give him some toys, do something and usually talk to him a lot - but sometimes not even a lot depending on what I am doing. Not only that, but his two big sisters will plop down next to him and play with him too. That is super-duper handy for me. So I do some cleaning, putting away, organizing, laundry this way. But I also get some reading time, knitting time, sewing time, or work on a jigsaw puzzle just to do something I enjoy once in a while.
Someone recently commented that they don't know how I have time to do all those "fun things" like I do. I felt kind of stunned by it at first - like they must have this picture of me sitting all day and doing my fun stuff (only in my dreams!) and then I chuckled a bit and said back "If you knitting as much as you spent in your car driving around - you'd make 10 things to my every one!" And you know, she laughed back with me and said I was probably right. Then it dawned on me, she wasn't saying it to be mean or imply I don't do anything around here. I think she just said it to honeslty see how! And thankfully it's someone I know so I know she is in her car A LOT every day. I actually do not envy that at all! I think she spends more time in her car than out of it (4 kids, baseball, soccer, doctor's appointments, preschool, 2 in el. school, one in high school - yes, she is one busy mom for sure!) so I was able to say something light hearted adn funny and avoid getting all defensive and riled up too mcuh anyway.
I guess that's kind of how I have to start viewing more things around me. And I need to keep this kind of peace I now have inside me. And the bad days will come. But at least I now have hope for the good days and I know they will follow soon. And if not, there can't be more than 14 days until I get to leave the kids and take a break anymore LOL!

Taking a break ...

from a lot of things right now.
Mostly computer time - but I think it's a good thing for me right now.
I need to take time to unwind and not be so uptight. I need time to just absorb everything around me and learn to deal with some things I wish I could change, but can not at this moment.
BUT, the good news is that in an attempt to speak up, to say this is what I need, well I went to dh. And mostly told him nothing new - that things are not working right now, are not going well that something needs to be changed. Of course, I am ready to move. He is not. So it's an issue. But, as I said, this time I didn't just let it end there. I kept talking. I said well something has to happen. And I had an idea.
I now will have a sitter every 2 weeks for one night - from 3pm to 9pm. From 3-6 I get to do whatever I want, however I want to, wherever I want to. At 6 dh is welcome to join me, or find something to do by himself, or go get the kids and spend time with them if he so choses. The best part is that the kids will be babysat not at home. And here is why - many things I like to do, I would want to do at home - my sewing, scrapbooking, knitting, being on the computer, or just catching up on much needed sleep. Now, even with a sitter, the children would still be right there. So the kids will be away from the house. And I can decide to also be away, or to just stay home.
Nice, eh?
And yes, I realize some people might look at me and think I'm a spoiled housewife. I stay home and play with the kids all day and now I get to have a babysitter? Well, fine if that's what someone wants to think. I know that's not the case and I have decided that is all that matters. I know what I need to do for me and for my family and frankly, well, people who will judge me based on only knowing 1)I'm a sahm and 2)I get to get away every 2 weeks, well, hey, their opinion doens't really count ;-)
So that in a nutshell is life around here. Things are crazy. I am stressed. I have a lot going on, but I think I can manage to survive it. And next weekend (my first night of being able to get away) I will get a much needed break from it all and hopefully that will go a long way to helping me relax for a bit.

Thinking about ...

changing the name of this blog.
I am not skipping along anywhere these days.
I don't know ... I'm even contemplating deleting this blog all together. I feel an incredibly strong drive to just pull away from well, basically everything. Last time I felt this way, I did delete my blog. Just up and took it off the internet one day. Then I got brave and started this one up again ... but now I think all I do is whine and complain and well just how fun is that? Not very. And I feel very anxious and exposed and I want to run and hide. And the question should be from what exactly?
The whole like 3 people who stumble upon this blog by accident each day?
I don't know ...
things are just not fun over here anymore. They are not going well. And I am definitely not skipping along these days ...

Untitled

So far as a parent, I have been okay with what I have done. I might hem and haw and over think things, but in the end I've always been pretty sure that in the end my kids will be okay. And yes, sometimes I do wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but usually in the end I'm pretty sure I'm doing the right thing for my kids and me.
I do not fell that way anymore. I feel deflated, I feel like a failure. I am worried my kids will grow up hating me, that they will be dysfunctional in this world and I will be the one to blame. I'm starting to wonder if they will even survive childhood. Heck, I'm starting to wonder if I will survive the week.
Why now? Why do I feel so completely lost and baffled and confused and like I'm screwing up? I don't know. Could it be that my 5.5 month old still wakes up an average of 4 times a night? That I can't put him down for more than 5 minutes during the day without him crying? Or maybe it's because my 3 year old cries at the drop of a hat? Is still too rough with her baby brother - and often when "playing" with him makes him cry and upset? That my 6 year old can't sit still for 2 seconds? That she asks the same freaking question 3,482,971,582,563,937 times before I snap? (Is it snack time yet? Can I have a snack now? What will we have for snack? Is it time to eat a snack now? Is it snack time? Now is it snack time? Can we eat a snack now?) No. And if you ask me one more time I swear you will never be allowed to eat a snack again for as long as you shall live! Okay, so I don't say that to her, but I want to. Is this normal 6, 3, and 5 month old behavior? I don't know anymore.
My neighbor commented today that it's time to "take the boobie away" from my baby. Then told me to just let him cry. Neither of which I'm prepared to do, and neither of which do I think will have him sleep through the night if I were to do it anyway. He takes after his oldest sister ... she didn't start to sleep through the night until 18 months - despite having weaned at 12 months and we did attempt to try the CIO method before I knew better. Neither of which affected her ability to sleep through the night.
I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Like I'm just struggling to survive the day. I do this: I'm tired. I'm very tired. I'm physically tired and I'm mentally tired. I'm tired. That's the long and short answer as to what is going on lately. I'm just tired. Tired of so many things. I could sit here probably for a long time and list all the things I'm tired of.
I don't want to be tired anymore. I want to be a confident mother. A confident wife. A confident woman. I want to have a smile at the end of the day that isnt' forced. I want to yell at my children a little less and teach them lots of things each and every day. I want to be happy and vibrant and full of energy. I want to do all these things so badly. But I don't even know where to begin or what to do or how to do it.

The bump ....

Last Saturday I felt a little bump. Just short of an inch below where my bra band would run almost centered, but off to the left. It was tiny - very small. I could only feel it by pressing.
I made dh feel it to make sure I wasn't imagining it. He did feel it and told me to keep an eye on it. Wait a week and see what happened.
Thursday night I noticed it was bigger. It actually felt like a misquito bite - my skin was raised, but yet, I could tell it was under the skin just like I had originally felt it.
I admit it made me very nervous. I didn't like that something was there. I didn't like that it was bigger. I didn't like it's location. I was very upset about it all. Okay, I was a nervous wreck. I was thinking all sorts of not good thoughts.
Friday I went to visit my doctor. I fought bought tears when they asked why I was there (becuase I am a cryer. I cry a lot) and explained. And so I laid down and pressed the spot where it was.
Except, then it wasn't there anymore! And so I felt around and around and around. She probably thought I was a tad crazy. I was also there becuase lately I have been feeling very naseous so she started to ask me about that when I found that little bump again.
So she felt it and I braced myself .... what would she say? Thankfully, she said it was a cyst. She doens't even think we need to do anything unless it does get bigger ... which it really didn't the night before. The little (and it is truly tiny) thing moves around with my position - hence it can be hard to find or easy to find depending on apparently how everything else inside me is squishing it around.
So that was out of the way, I felt relieved and she went back to asking me about feeling naseous.
And then she said it "Well, I assume you've already taken a pregnancy test and know it's not morning sickness."
Uh. Huh? What? No, never even thought of that as an option. I said well no, I didn't. But I mean, I don't think I am. Of course she asked if I was sure. Well, no, when put on the spot like that, no, I'm not sure. But I mean I'm pretty sure ... my dh had a vesectemy (although we haven't had two clear samples yet), I'm nursing, still no period, and well we usually use other protection forms. She said, well, okay ...
then it's acid, told me to take over the counter zantac, and then tossed in there that if things don't improve in a week, then I should probably take a pregnancy test just in case.
Umm, okay.
Now, I'm not worrying about a bump near my breast but I'm wondering if the bump in my abdomin will grow. And I'm thinking about it. And I'm thinking about it. And I feel even more naseous Saturday and then today I couldn't take more than a few bites of anything.
My dh went out to buy my zantac, and brought home zantac and two pregnancy tests. I immediately took one of them (come on, admit it, you would have too!) and I looked. One line. Oh thank you!!! Not pregnant .... dh looked very relieved as well.
So for now, I have no bumps, or lumps, or anything like that to worry about. ::phew::

Misc. Updates ...

Well, things are going so-so over here.
There are a lot of things going on. Dh and I are having a disagreement on what is kind of a major issue. Right now he is winning for a variety of reasons. I'd rather not go into detail just quite yet, but, well, I'm afraid of where this disagreement may take us by the end of summer.
We are in the midst of having a huge garage sale - well it would have been huge had it not decided to rain off and on today. Oh well. We'll end up with a few bucks when it's all said and done on Saturday.
As far as my sister goes, well, we won't be talking about that here anymore. Everytime I think things will change and start to improve for her, well, something happens (and mostly things out of her control) and I can't take this roller coaster ride. I suppose it's mean and it's the coward's way out, but I'm leaving this ride. Mostly because according to my mom not too long ago, her relationship with me is an issue @@ (she claims my sis's therapist told her that, but I don't believe her and actually told her to tell that doctor to call me and I'd GLADLY talk to him about our relationship. Yeah, phone still hasn't rang - surprise surprise). Well, I don't know what to do anymore. I can't have my sister stay with us. We don't even have our own home @@ (which don't get me going on that issue) so what can I do? I refuse to ride this ride anymore. My mom wants to blame me? Fine. Let her blame me if it will make her feel better. In the meantime I will continue to be there for my sister doing what I can when I can. But aside from that. I'm off the ride. I do not agree with what my mom has decided to do. I do not think the health care professionals in my sisters life are advising her to do these things either. And so I'm done listening to it. I can't anymore. I'm not strong enough to bare her burdens and my own. Call me weak. Maybe I'm a bad sister. Maybe I'm a bad daughter. But my family and me has to come first and I can't be in this battle anymore.
I think that about sums it up for now.
I know, things don't sound good in this post, but I'm feeling extremely stressed right now. And I don't do stress. Once I'm able to calm down and step back, things will be good again, but at this moment, I'm struggling to keep emotions under control . I will survive. I know I can. And when I feel this way again I will handle it a bit better and a bit better and someday I might actually feel like a normal person who is capable of dealing with life ;-)

Happy Birthday

to me!! =)
Yep, it's my birthday! And I LOVE birthdays =)
So I love today!! And we had a great day. Just did our normal Tuesday routine for most of the day. Then around dinner time, we made a cake - yum! =) Then we ate dinner, opened presents and ate our yummy cake.
So here's the loot LOL!!:
Actually, Saturday going to Wicked was my present from my momma.
My mil and her dh sent me a nice big strawberry bag (which will probably be the perfect size for an in progress knitting blanket!), a zipper sweater, and a gorgeous antiqued-silver oval picture frame. It is simply calling out for a black and white photo of the kids!
My dh and girls gave me a lamp to put by my sewing machine, which I have been needing and it's all set up adn now I can see when I am sitting at my sewing table! Yeah!!!
But we hung out and loved each other all day, and that was awesome. Especially given that my dh was not supposed ot be home tonight (which I admit bummed me out). But then today he called and let me know that he was going to be home afterall! WOO HOO!!! That was probably the best present of all. Becuase I love your birthday and I love to spend it with my family most of all. So it was a perfect, wonderful day! I'm so excited and so glad to see another birthday come and a bit sad to see it go! LOL!
=)
Hope everyone else had a great day as well!

Happy Mothers Day!

Today was a grand old day for me and my family. We all had a blast ... me especially! LOL!
It actually started out at midnight last night ... about the time I arrived home (went downtown last night to see Wicked! It was absolutely wonderful and marvelous and great. My momma took me for my birthday - which happens to be Tuesday. Dinner, the theater, we went down in a limo - fabulous) So get home from being away from babyboy since 2 am. Let's just say I grew like 2 cup sizes while we were out LOL!! And I needed to pump ;-) So, I'm pumping and about 10 minutes alter babyboy wakes up and wants to eat. So I'm feeding him and dh and I are talking about things. And then we hear screams and crying. So he goes up. g3 woke up and threw up all over the place. So I get babyboy fed and normally he would fall back asleep, but not last night - he was wide awake. So I get him in my room with g6. And I go comfort g3 while dh is cleaning up the mess. Poor thing was so upset by it all.
So dh took them to a birthday party yesterday and apparently they ate whatever they wanted to eat @@ No wonder the kid threw up all over the place.
So get her to bed, get 6g to bed, then get babyboy to bed (finally LOL!).
This am started off pretty well. I recieved breakfast in bed. Love it! I had waffles, eggs, apple and chocolate milk =) My family rocks! LOL! So after a few minutes we moved to the safety of the kitchen table without one spill in the bedroom.
That's when I got my present - a mop! LOL! Which fits in with another story I may tell another time ... needless to say it made me smile.
And then I got another present ... the Magic Bullet. Now if you haven't seen this infomercial yet, well you are missing somethng LOL! We first saw it maybe 2 years ago and my oldest immediately fell in love. She HAD to have it. She's been wanting us to buy it for a long time now. So, that's what they got me for Mother's day! Tonight we made chocolate mouse in it! yummmmmmmmy!!! Oh. So good. Amazingly good. And way to easy to make - I'll have to do it more often. Tomorrow we will probably make either a shake or a smoothie. Double yum! =) Then we have had a lot of fun just hanging out and cuddling and loving each other. Babyboy has been an absolute doll today. The girls have had fun hanging out!! We just love it!! =) We've have a grand day!
So happy mother's day to all my fellow mothers out there =)

I need ...

to learn to relax. I need to do it. Not today but yesterday. I try so hard to relax ... but I suppose that's the problem - trying so hard. How can you relax when you are worrying you arne't relaxing correctly?! See, I can't even relax about trying to relax. It's awful. It's terrible. I'm going to kill myself from stress if I don't learn to do it soon though.
And I really don't want that to happen.

Plugging along ...

Still here. Still plugging along.
Some things are still down. Some things are up again. I am trying very hard to keep my sanity and some days are easier than others.
I think I will have to learn to a) lighten up b) go with the flow and c) and to simply plan for a worst case scenario pretty much this entire summer so my expectations will never be let down.
Yes. That is my plan for the summer. Becuase I'm still not quite sure I will survive it. But I think, I think if I try really hard to not explode I will succeed. Or at least I won't explode in front of anyone and I hopefully won't bitch out anyone. And if I can at least do that, then I think it will be safe to call this summer a success.

Bumps in the road ...

No, not even bumps. Big, deep, wide potholes in the road today.
First my babyboy just started screaming. Crying, screaming, upset, didn't want to be held, didn't want to be put down, didn't want to eat, didn't want to rock, had on a clean diaper. Just screaming and red faced :-( Checked him over for a hair wrapped somewhere or clothes pinching, and nothing. So I gave him tylenol and chalked it up to teething.
Then my 3 year old (I think I'll call her 3g from now on - get it 3 year old girl?) fell off of her bike.
Cried, calmed, sent off to play. Not too long after, my 6g accidentally smacked 3g in the head with a bat. Not just a fake, not really playing, bat, but a metal bat, as she was practicing trying to hit a homerun. So, yes, there was a LOT of pain and crying. And a swollen ear :-( Shook her up a bit. Poor thing. Finally get her settled.
Along came the big bombshell. My mom called. Bad news with my youngest sister. She took 13 of her anxiety pills last night. About a month ago she took 9 at one time I think? So, second time for od'ing in a month. They have to take her out of school and put her into some intensive day therapy intensive therapy program. My heart is breaking for her. And yet, half of me wants to ask her "What the hell were you thinking?!?!?!?" I guess the good side of it all is that the doctors don't believe these are suicide attempts (although she has threatened to kill herself in the past). Here's the kicker ... she 13. 13 year olds. She just turned 13 not even a month ago, so she's a young 13. Ugh. I feel sick for her. But I feel sad for her. I want to hug her tightly and protect her. But I also want to grab her and shake her and tell her "You scared me! Dont' you EVER do that again." (Sort of like what a lot of parents do when kids get lost or run into the street). I talked to my mom on the phone for quite some time today. She is upset about all of this too. Ugh. I have a lot more I could say about this, but won't for now. But I guess if you have a moment to spare, please send my sis some good thoughts? And pray that we can figure out what is driving this and finally finally get her some good help.

These are the days continued ...

Some more memories
The flowers I recieved from my darling daughters today. So sweet - I love them =)

These are the days ...

Despite having issues with other people in my life, my family continues to be my joy and strength and love.
As Knittymama writes about with a baby there are three kinds of days in the rocking chair while disaster strikes around you, getting a ton of things done quickly usually while baby is sleeping or just a combo of the above two.
I feel like I rarely have any super-mommy days anymore. heck, I hardly have a super-mommy day these days. But this weekend I really was tied to the rocking chair while disaster struck all around me (well, yes, the disasters had a lot to do with my rant yesterday and a mini-vent not that long ago). But my babyboy needed me and needed me to rock him and hold him tight. Although I hold him often - he generally wants you to walk while you hold him, so I don't actually have many days in the rocking chair (although days where it seems nothing gets done happen quite often). But this weekend, I had lots of cuddle time partly becuase he demanded it (demanded by crying and fussing and acting positively miserable if we didn't) and I looked at my husband at one point while babyboy was sleeping in my arms, a smile across his face indicating some nice dreams - my 6 and 3 year old was running around outside with a friends and their laughter could be heard in the living room, him sitting on the couch just chatting with me. And I realized this is it. This is that moment that so many people dream about. That perfect moment - all kids are happy and content, dh and I chatting (while also gazing into each other eyes). For those precious moments, life seems just perfect and full of bliss. And I thought it was a picture perfect moment - not becuase it would have looked perfect for that instant, but for that moment all was perfect in our life. And life was good. And that one moment made all the sleepless nights, all the arguments I have to break up between my girl, the little tiffs dh and I get into, all the less than perfect moments - it's okay that we have those, that we go through those bumps, becuase every so often we get these perfect moments. And life is sweet and good. And I just thought I love my family so much - and not just at that moment when it was all perfect, but I was full of love when moments later, dh got up to do work, the laughs from outside turned into a little spat about who's turn it really was for some toy, as babyboy wiggled in my arms becuase someone threw open the door and walked in loudly.
I do. I am in love with my family. I am in love with them so much ... I just couldn't believe how much it hit me right then. Don't get me wrong, I knew I loved them before that, but all of the sudden I just had a deep love and an appreciation for them - the good and the bad, the ups and downs.
Have I lived a perfect life? Nope. Far from it. Has life always been cheery and rosey? Nope. It hasn't. Would I trade it for something that was "better"? Nope. Not in a million years. This family is stuck with me forever!

On a side note, today I discovered why I was plastered to the rocking chair with babyboy most of the weekend - his first tooth came in today. And as if one big thing wasn't enough today, he also apparently learned to sit up by himself while I was holding him all weekend too!
These are the days =) And I couldn't be happier.

I am so tired ...

of people who don't help out. Not because they can't ... because they don't want to. Because it won't be fun. Because apparently I was put here on Earth to do things while they sit and watch. And not only do they sit and watch - but they also tell you all that you are doing wrong.
I'm so tired of people who think me being a SAHM means that I do nothing all day long and so must have the ability to do things for them instead. And they don't ask me to do these things, they just assume I can do them. After all, I stay home. I must have nothing better to do.

There. Rant over. Move on with life. I will attempt to do the same. But one day ... one day soon ... I may be posting about how I just freaked out and let loose on someone in my life because I just couldn't take anymore. And should that happen ... I'm not so sure I would even feel sorry about it ....

Mini-vent ...

Well, maybe it's not a mini, but it's a vent.
My aunt has 4 kids, now her oldest is 15 so not a problem there, then there is 9, 6, 3. Well I have a 6 and 3 myself. And her 6 and 3 and my 6 adn 3 like to play together - following along so far?
Anyway, we watch each other's children if we can. She'll call and ask if I can watch her kids for something and I'll do the same thing. Which is great. It's nice to have someone to call and do that with.
So, now here's the vent ... it's a bit one-sided these days. I have extra children A LOT. She's in the process of moving. And I totally get that. And I'm so glad I can help her out - becuase it's not fun packing with a bunch of kids running around. And for the most part, when the kids are here they are well behaved. But yet at the same time, part of me wants to say NO! Keep your kids home for the next two weeks. I need a break. I need a cool-off period. Then start calling me. Which, probably in two weeks she'll be all moved and then I will be watching them less.
Well, here's part two of the vent. Now that gp's are home. She'll call and talk to the grandma about the kids coming over. Grandma will say yes, then ask me ...
Now, it makes sense she talks to grandma (it's her mom afterall LOL!) and of course grandma wants to help (it's her daughter and grandkids afterall) but let's face it. I have like 75% of the actual watching of the kids duties ...
I guess my point is, I don't really mind watching her kids in the big picture of things. Yet, at the same time I need to vent a little so that next time she asks, I do NOT look at her and say NO! I can't do it anymore!
It's just that her 9 year old plays a lot of sports. She likes to leave the younger two here if she can. And it sometimes feels like I'm running a daycare. Seriously, if I were charging hourly, I'd have a lot more spending money these days!
I guess really I feel conflicted. I want to help. I like when she watches my kids. But I'd like a little break from her kids (heck, at this point I'd like a day off from my kids LOL!!).
But in the end, I'll keep on saying yes when she asks. My kids will have fun playing with her kids. And I'll survive ... although you might hear my grumble under my breath from time to time ...

Time of Day ...

What time of day are you?

You Are Sunset

Even though you still may be young, you already feel like you've accomplished a lot in life. And you feel free to pave your own path now, and you're not even sure where it will take you. Maybe you'll pursue higher education in a subject you enjoy - or travel the world for a few years. Either way, you approach life with a relaxed, open attitude. And that will take you far!

What Time Of Day Are You?