Skipping Along

Thinking ....

2008-01-22T14:07:00.000-06:00

I have this idea running around in my mind. It's sort of a crazy idea and it might not be entirely practical, but interestingly enough, my husband is supportive of this crazy idea. Which might actually be bad because it encourages me further. LOL!

I'd like to move. Move away from here - because, well I don't think living here sits well with me anymore. I mean, I do love living here because I have a lot of family around me and I do love my family. And I love being close to them. But I don't know - something about the suburbs is just feeling less and less comfortable to me. We don't have much land. My dh works his ass off, and actually brings in a decent pay check, but it doesn't go very far out here. We have been talking about him possibly getting a new job, and if he's going to get a new job, doesn't seem like a good time to completely uproot our family and move half-way across the country?

And I think I know where I would like to move, but I (and the kids) haven't spent much time there so before we decide to settle there, I want to have an extended visit out there. So I am honestly considering sometime next winter (November/Decemberish) to pack up the children and stay out there for about 6-8 weeks. This would all happen with the hopes that my husband could get time off of work and stay with us over Christmas/New Year.

Yes, it will be quite lonely without him there. The kids will either love it or hate it, or probably start out loving it and then grow to hate it. And it means I will be a single parent for that time, although we do know someone out there and I'm sure I can get a few breaks.

But it leaves me with questions ... where does one live when they only plan to be there for 6-8 weeks? I can't imagine the 4 of us staying in a hotel room, (plus wouldn't that be expensive)? But if rent a house/apartment, then there is the need to pay for 2 households and can we really afford that? I'll need to have the ability to cook - because we certainly can't afford (with money or our health) to eat out all the time? And how do I know what to bring with and what to not bring with? How many pieces of clothing, how many pots and pans, how many books, how many toys, how many movies, etc, etc. And the how the heck will I entertain myself and 2 kids for that time? Well, okay, that's part of the reason I want to do this - to find out about the area, to discover what is there (or not there) before we decide to make this sort of decision.

And these questions fill my mind. And although if we did do something like this
it would be 10-11 months away, I'm really assuming I can't just make arrangements a few days before I want to leave. But I just don't know where to start. I'm going to have really spend a while thinking about all of this and really deciding if in fact this is something I really want to do because when I see a plan on paper, it looks really hard. Of course, maybe it will end up being easy. And that would be a sign that it was all meant to be ... right?

Crazy or Adventurous?

2008-01-18T23:56:00.000-06:00

Well, we are either crazy or adventurous! Earlier this week we booked train tickets going from Chicago to Boston - at which point we will then rent a car and drive to New Hampshire, spend the night, and head over to Maine!

For most of the trip, Little Man and I will be in a little sleeper room and hubby and girls have regular seats. I imagine though, aside from ~~bribing~~ getting him to sleep, that wild boy will be busy exploring the train and the sites that surround us. Or hopefully there will be some empty seats and we will be able to spend some time with the rest of the family during that first part of the trip.

I personally can NOT wait. I think it will be fun and exciting, albeit a bit stressful as well. We did ask the girls if they could pick, would they fly to vacation or take a train to vacation and both of them immediately said train! Now that those tickets are booked, I am getting more excited about this vacation!

I have to admit, at first, I was quite hesitant about it all ... I was really thinking we couldn't afford it (although, my in-laws are very graciously paying for our transportation out there and also for the cabin we will all share while we are there), that we really needed to stay home and that 2008 would be the year for extreme penny pinching to eliminate as much debt as possible. Not to mention in the next 13 months we have: 3 weddings to go to - 2 are out of town and 1 has both my daughters as flower girls (which also means 3 bridal showers), several baby showers, 3 or 4 graduation parties. And that's all we know about now. It's only January! And I feel like there will be a lot of travel and lots of money to spend. I also feel like I should be getting a job somewhere, but seriously, how can I get employment and expect to keep the job when I know that I will have to request so much time off? Ugh.
But I am starting to feel much better about it all. Of course dh's raise helps alleviate some of that worry. But there are still some worries there. And I will definitely be looking to get some work at some point this year, but I might have to be a bit more creative about it.
And of course, I was right about watching every penny we spend, but of course for about the first half the year it will be to fund traveling and then for the second half it will be for debt repayment. But I am feeling much better about how the year will play out. And I can't wait for all of these great things to happen now!

(would it be too nerdy to admit I am already starting packing lists and picking which knitting projects to bring on the train as well?!)

6 weird things ...

2008-01-18T22:20:00.000-06:00

Smoov tagged me earlier to tell you 6 weird things about me. Although you might learn 6 things about me, I'm afraid what you'll really learn is how boring I am LOL!

"THE RULES: Each player of this game starts with the "6 weird things about you." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 6 weird things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you are tagged" in their comments and tell them to read your blog."

1. I recently decided I want to live on and work a (very) small farm. Which is funny because my parents are farmers and growing up all I could think was I don't want to be a farmer LOL!

2. I hated school, until high school. Not much made sense before then and all of a sudden in 8th grade, things finally clicked. And now I love school. And I love learning things. I have a feeling I will be back at school again someday, but now isn't that time.

3. Mostly because of the above, I feel that academics really can be delayed until later in childhood - which is pretty contrary to what I see going on around me. But since I homeschool, I can do what I want with my kids and we are very relaxed with structure and formal education with them right now - they are young. They learn more through reading books they've picked from the library, playing games and using those pretend situations to "solve" things, and what not. More than one person has voiced concern about our path (but surprising a few people have actually agreed with it!)

4. ALL I wanted to be when I was growing up was a school teacher. Once I got my degree - all I didn't want to be was a teacher. (homeschooling doesn't count because I don't have a boss LOL). When I have to pick a career, I will be taking some time to explore more options and really wish I had done this while I was still in school some time. Oh well. Good thing we are allowed to go to college for more than one degree! LOL

5. I take everything very literally. Which means I'm easy to trick and often don't get sarcasm. My mom says I was like this even at a quite young age. Apparently, I haven't been able to outgrow it?

6. I hate going to parties/gatherings/etc and having to talk to people. Just hate it. And get very nervous about it, which usually means I spit out kind of stupid things. Ugh. Have I mentioned I hate it? Because I really hate it.

So there you go, 6 weird things about me ... but I'm not sure I'm not all that weird ... but maybe you'll think otherwise!
I'm not going to tag anyone, but if you read this and want to play, please do - and leave me a comment so I can come read it! =)

Not much to say ...

2008-01-17T15:22:00.001-06:00

I am feeling really sick. The kind of really sick that makes you just want to rest and relax and not do anything at all.

So since I have nothing to say at all, you must click this link: http://www.flickr.com/photos/library_of_congress/
The library of congress is putting pictures up at flicker and I think it is SOO neat. There are some incredible photos there. I haven't looked at it much, but what I have seen is so awesome ... really, go look!

Answered Prayer!

2008-01-11T01:25:00.000-06:00

Oh we got fabulous news tonight
My husband got a raise!! It's not a "end to all of our problems" kind of raise but it's a "yes, we can actually breath again and not have to worry how we will pay it all because now we can and there will be a tiny bit actually left over" kind of raise.
We weren't even expecting it - and certainly not today. He called to tell me that he was late because he had his review. My heart lept. And he said "Can't talk now, see you when you get home" because, well he was calling from work.
Between the time of that call I just prayed, please be 20 dollars a week, please be 20 dollars a week (his company is hurting a bit right now so ANY raise is a blessing and I didn't want to aim too high here folks). But yes, it is even a bit more than $20.00 a week!
I am so excited.

The cost of our insurance rates increased this year, so his first paycheck of the year was actually less than the last one of 07. That was depressing. His raise will take us back to the original pay, plus some.

Ugh. I am SO happy about this.

Of course, I still don't think he is being paid what he deserves - but I'm not sure I will ever think they are paying him what he deserves LOL! ;-)

Checking in!

2008-01-08T23:31:00.000-06:00

I am here. I am alive.

I have had an interesting month to say the least. I think I began the month depressed, feeling very much like doing absolutely nothing. I am doing much better right now. And it feels good to be out of that period. But I admit, I also feel like I need to cut back, do fewer things (but do those few things better than I have been). I like to do a million things, but I believe part of what happened was I had TOO much to do, too many places to be, just too much on my plate.

I closed my etsy store (maybe temporarily but maybe forever)
I limited activities and places to go to with the kids (this is definitely temporary but I needed to do this)
I have bowed out of some internet groups and similar on-line things I had participated in.
I have realized my family does not need 5 star dinners each night (which I've never been good at but I always plan these grand meals and then feel guilty when they don't happen. I plan simple, easy, but mostly healthy meals. I can do that without feeling like I'm rushing or being pulled in too many directions or getting frustrated if it doesn't happen. It's easy to substitute spaghetti for another simple meal that didn't happen that day.

I think this will be good for me.

I am trying to focus on:

keeping the house clean (I've never been good at it, but not I have time to focus on it!)
the children's schooling (which got a little lost with the holiday rush)
budgeting and saving money (because well, this year will be EXTREMELY tight financially. Every cent I can save is a HUGE help to the family)
learning to enjoy life more. I am too anxious. I need to relax. I need to unwind. I need to laugh more and enjoy more. I need to focus on the good and not only the bad.
being healthy

And so, those are my goals for a while. And those will be where my focus is for a while. I truly hope I can get a better handle on all of this - I don't want to be perfect. In fact, I already know I won't be perfect, but I want to be better.

So far in this new year I have almost completely cut out sugar from my diet. I am truly proud of myself because of this. Beyond proud. I won't tell you how I lived before January 1 - but it includes multiple cans of soda, lots of cookies, candy, snacks, and other crap. Aside from a few slips (which truly have been IMO minor) I have had no sugar each day - aside from one can of coke. Okay, so maybe not the best, but it's my favorite and I figured if I gave up everything I would be dooming myself to fail. But I am serious about this - I haven't eaten bread. Well actually I have given up wheat, dairy, gluten, peanuts, and all fruit. (mostly I am having yeast issues and I needed to cut ALL sugar, even those from healthy sources). This is interesting. I am essentially on the same diet as my 5 year old so I can really see things from her perspective. It's not that bad, although sometimes the cravings are SOOO bad! Although she does get fruit and I don't limit the sugar because most things that are safe for her have very little in them anyway and she's already given up soo much food.
I have been doing this for 7 days now. I still get a bit of craving, but they have tapered way off. I will not lie - the first night I woke up at about 4 am with one fo the worst headaches ever and my first thought was to get a can of coke, a cookie, some cake and then eat candy! My body did not appreciate the withdrawal like that.
I do not plan to stay on this diet forever. I believe in February I will start to bring back the wheat and dairy and sugar (it's in most breads people!) but I hope that I will have reset my palate enough to trust myself to eat it in moderation and get my sugar from my fruits and non-junk food items. We'll see how the yeast stuff is going though, because I can't bring it back until that is going better.

I have also started a gratitude journal (on paper with a real pen). I think this is good. My goal is to write just one thing each day that I am grateful for. Nothing fancy, just simple and nice and easy. Right now I am trying to take the "bad" parts and turn them into something to be grateful about. An example - Friday my husband had to work late. I was quite unhappy about it. But on Friday I wrote “Today I am grateful for my husband’s job – even though he is coming home late tonight – it is his job that pays our bills, houses us, clothes us, and feeds us. And we are lucky to that we do not have to worry about unemployment at this time”
I think this will be good for me. It will force me to think positively, if only for the five minutes I spend writing in it.

I believe I am starting 2008 off on a good foot. I hope I can keep this good footing for the entire year. I am still scared to death about how we will afford to survive this year (of course it doesn't help we are taking a vacation in July even though we technically shouldn't - but it's too see family. Important family and since tomorrow is promised to no one, we are getting really good at justifying the expense even though I still have no freaking clue how in the heck we will pay for it.) But I also think it is the right thing to take this trip and I am hoping something will happen.

Maybe my husband will actually get the raise I think he is due soon. Maybe his company will do so well this quarter that there will be a bonus. Maybe I will get another part-time job. Maybe I will get so good at saving money on groceries I can cut out grocery budget in half (so far this week I have cut it 75%!) and we can save money that way. Maybe we will get a tax return that we can stick into savings and label it vacation. Maybe my husband can sell his side business! Maybe winter will end early and we won't be paying a high as bill for as many months as we should. Lots of maybes are still floating out there. Lots of options to help cut spending (although just a little bit in a lot of categories, but it still all helps!). And I would like to think that at least a few of them will manage to happen to help us out. And I am trying to remain optimistic in this sense. And who really knows ... even the time to vacation (7 months!) so much can happen! And between now and December - again, so much can happen! We are not anywhere near where we were 12 months ago. We are in completely different spot than we were 6 months ago! So I try to remain hopeful about it all.

I'd like to think that as strongly as I feel taking this trip is the right thing to do, that something will happen to help us pay for it. Of course, I'm not sitting back waiting for money to fall from the sky, but you know, I just think that it will all come together in the end, so I am trying to not worry about it too much. Of course January is hard because the insurance deductibles reset, it's been cold so the gas bill will be high, gas prices have gone up, and all that jazz. My only comfort is that we did not overspend Christmas. We stayed within our budget. And when the credit card bill came in (with the holiday spending on it) we paid it without flinching. We simply have to transfer the Christmas funds from the savings account to the checking account. We also have been saving every month for car insurance and life insurance - both due this month. And again, it felt SO good to not have to worry about them. To just pay the bill and transfer the money over from savings.

For having the foresight to do that brings me so much joy (and we've never done that before, but the Financial Peace classes we took, talked about this very thing and I'm so glad we got it). This has to be one of the first times we haven't had to scramble to pay these yearly/twice yearly bills. That feels so incredibly wonderful to me.

Anyway, I have rambled so much tonight. I apologize for that, but there was so much on my mind, so much to share, so much to talk about it to get in this blog!

a new year

2007-12-30T03:35:00.000-06:00

Well a new year is coming - and very soon!
I am having a difficult time deciding if I am excited or very nervous about this. I believe the next year will bring a lot of new things in our life. I am honestly not looking forward to many of these changes. I want to be happy about all of these changes. I want to view them as exciting new adventures. I am trying. I hope that I can feel this way and soon.
we'll see what the future holds though!

For now, I wish everyone a healthy and happy 2008!

Merry Christmas!

2007-12-25T01:30:00.000-06:00

I hope that each and everyone one of you are having a fabulous Christmas time with your family/friends/loved ones =)

Enjoy this wonderful time of year!

And ... of course, I wish you a grand 2008! That it is a year filled with much happiness, good health and lots of fun times! =)

Howdy all ...

2007-12-01T00:20:00.000-06:00

Hello everyone.
I'm sorry I went MIA there for a while. Honestly, I'll probably be MIA for a bit longer, but just wanted to say hi to everyone ... and thanks for the e-mail/messages asking if everything is okay.
Things are okay, just busy and over-whelming and it was time to cut-back and hence this blog was on the list of things to cut back on for now.
I am hoping after the holidays to find more time and get back on here on a regular basis ... until then, have a Merry Christmas and enjoy the month of December! =)

Sleep ...

2007-10-23T13:32:00.000-05:00

It should come so easy, but it does not. Once again I was tossing and turning late into the night last night. I finally fell asleep a little after 4 am. That was after laying down, tossing and turning, getting back up, laying down tossing and turning, waking up my husband who had to try his "cure" for not being able to fall asleep (and yes, his cure $ex), more tossing and turning, and finally falling asleep.
Not being able to go to sleep is really and truly starting to piss me off beyond belief. It is so frustrating to be tired and yet not being able to sleep. Really, what is up with that? I don't know.
Before he fell asleep last night he begged me to go to see a sleep doctor. I'm pretty sure a sleep doctor isn't what I need, but who knows, maybe it is? Next week I should be getting a "natural" sleep aid that I am praying and hoping will work and help me out tremendously ...

Until then I am just one very tired momma who is awake FAR too much.

Ramblings of an insomniac ...

2007-10-18T02:24:00.000-05:00

My insomnia has come back with full force. It has brought me to tears. Also, my tooth infection is starting to flare up again. If this post sounds a bit like a tired, irritated, crazy woman is writing it, well, it's because that's just about how I'm feeling right now!

A bit ago I mentioned some problems my dd is having with the neighbor girls. Unfortunately, it seems that for the moment, she will need to distance herself from these girls. She has cried twice now because they tease her (most recently about her spelling). One of the girls, who was playing quite well with my dd before, now comes over to play and lets my daughter know the other girls talk about her behind her back (and no, I have no idea if it is true or neighbor-girl is lying to my daughter or what). I do know that my daughter has a broken heart and isn't sure what to do about it all. She wants to tell the girls how they are hurting her feelings. Honestly, I encouraged her to NOT do that. IMO, that will simply give them more fuel to tease her with. I told her that with a best friend or a good friend, you could do that, but I didn't think these girls were close enough to really listen to her heart. I feel bad, like I shouldn't have discouraged her, but honestly, I don't want them to tease her anymore either! And I don't think her explaining to them about how hurt she is will make it stop.

So, anyway, yesterday she couldn't sleep because she was upset about all of this. I felt bad. So, last night, as I layed in bed tossing and turning, I prayed that God would somehow help us out with this (which I understand might be a weird thing to pray for for some people, but my daughter's heart is hurting and I want to find a way to fix it so yes, I prayed about it!). I also prayed that somehow we could find other people to play with. The girls here are a bit older than her and they all go to the same school, church, extra-curriculars, and frankly, I just think my dd will always be the oddball out because of that (and also because they picked on another girl prior to us moving in and now she is in the little clique and my dd is the target). Anyway, today, I called an old friend who we have talked to once in, oh, 2ish years? And we weren't really close, but I knew they lived very close to us and we had an open invitation to call. Well, the mother and I ended up chatting for an hour or so! We have a play date set up for next week. And she told me about a homeschooling group that meets 3 blocks from my house. Not only was it awesome that she remembered me, that we had such a great conversation, that we are going to play over there, but we will now have an opportunity to meet 12 other families in our town because of the info she gave me. Seriously, I just had to send some thanks up to the Big Guy because really, I had goosebumps and felt like this one phone call was a HUGE answer to prayers.

My insomnia is awful bad right now. My chiro (who is also my angel for helping get my youngest daughter on her diet that is making life so much better for her) is going to put me on melatonin to help, but it's a pill that has some other things that will help. Trouble is that I can't pick it up for about 2 weeks. But I have some plain melatonin here that I will try and see if that helps. Speaking of our chiro, who I also like to call Awesome doctor who made my daughters life 1000 times better than it was prior, I found out today she will no longer be doctoring where we go. In fact, she is leaving the state completely because they laid her off. People, I teared up when she told me that. Ugh. I then had to tell her how much she has changed our lives and blah, blah, blah. And then she teared up and told me I wasn't allowed to cry. And I said, I don't sleep anymore an so I cry all the time and this was sad and I couldn't help it. M is quite sad to see her doctor leave as well. Next week will be our last visit with her and so I need to think of something to give her as a farewell gift because she honest to goodness changed our lives. And well, truthfully, I will probably leave the practice now too. It's 30 minutes away and we have one about 5 minutes from our house. I have been thinking about leaving because it's a decent chunk of time to go there, but I really liked her and wanted to stay with her because she is awesome. The other doctor there is pretty darn good too, but well, I don't have the emotional pull to him to drive that much. Blah. I hate good byes, even if it is just a doctor, but she honestly changed my life.

In other news, we've been blessed again. I have 10 dozen ears of corn in my garage right now waiting to be frozen. I'm given 2 dozen away for a friend to freeze and then I will begin working on my stash. After I blanch and freeze it all, I'm also giving some to granny and gramps (who won't be making the normal trek to Florida this winter) and I will probably have enough left over to give out to lots of other people too! I have also been giving out ears of corn to other people I know. My parents have another 15 dozen that they don't know what to do with and I'm so afraid it will go to waste so I want to single-handedly keep as much of it from the dump as possible. But again, I will have enough corn to see us through many many meals and frankly, that is just awesome IMO. And I am so grateful. I told the people at the farm this week that have and will single-handedly save me a LOT of money on groceries and just how thankful I am for that. And then I teared up again because I'm all freaking emotional these days.

Speaking of being blessed, I have a job! I can work from home. In my pajamas if I want or late at night when I suffer from insomnia! LOL! I will be working for The Motherhood, which even if they weren't going to be sending me a paycheck I would tell you is a WONDERFUL site and I love it. Although my paychecks will be small, they will be paychecks. That is wonderful. I can now feel like I contribute financially to our family and the tightness we are feeling will get a little bit less tight (although, we will still be very budgeted and still in a position to watch every single dollar we spend). But this is good news for us. And it's a step in the right direction. And I am so thankful and it's a website I would be active on even without the paycheck, and can you have a better job than one you enjoy so much you would do it for free? Nope! I don't really think so! =)

Anyway, that about sums up my life right now.

In a funk ...

2007-10-09T00:46:00.000-05:00

Again. :-(
I think I'm ready to just cut my entire mouth out at this point. I also think the medicine he's got me on is too much for me.
Unexpected bills came in today that will really really strain us. I know, I'm sort of a sissy girl, but I just cried when we sat down to figure it all out. We will make it, but well, the rest of October will mean spending absolutely as little as possible. Good thing we just stocked up on groceries over the weekend I guess. I think I could feed us the rest of the month and only buy milk and some fresh fruit/veggies. Which is a blessing, because I can not imagine the pain of wondering how to feed your family. Ugh. Just thinking that there are moms out there worried about that tonight really breaks my heart and makes me wish I was a millionaire just so I could give most of it away.
Tomorrow is a very busy day, and I'll be honest, I seriously wish I could just crawl into bed and sleep all day. My body is so work out. It is just craving sleep so badly right now. Which, obviously isn't helping my mood at all.
My husband assures me this will pass. That life will be tough for a bit, but it will get better. I have a feeling the selling of this house will happen though so we can have a bit more breathing room. And it does break my heart. I do know though, that this house is just a structure, and a home will be wherever we make it, but boy, it is hard of thinking of leaving.
And we are so blessed, that I don't want to come here and whine. Because I really am thankful for what we have. And I am thankful for what we have been giving (and even now I know that there will be some clothes coming for my kids that someone is graciously passing down to us). And I am grateful that my family is healthy.
I do try to hold onto all of that, but boy is it hard when you are looking at the budget and going "Okay, if I only drive when I absolutely have to, we can funnel 50 from gas towards that bill. And we're stocked up on groceries so next week let's slash the grocery budget in half and put the rest towards the bill. And the kids have enough jeans to make it until November, so we if do the winter shopping next month, the clothes budget can go towards the bill. And yeah, we were going to put x into savings, but that will all go towards the bill" well, it's hard and the reality of the financial picture is really hard to miss.
But as my dh said, we have food, we have clothes, and we are so very lucky for that. We are not going without. We are just going without more. We have enough to get by. And so, I'm trying to keep dh's words in my head and his spirit in my head right now
(on an interest note, last week he was the one who was saying we can't make it and I was being the cheerleader for him! I figure as long as we get bummed about it at different times, then we will survive this time!)
Anyway, that's what is on my mind tonight.

I NEED chocolate!

2007-10-05T22:33:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I so need chocolate. Like 5 hours ago.
My tooth is infected again. I am on a stronger antibiotic this time. We attempted to finish the root canal on Wednesday. We didn't. I have to go back (hopefully) in 2 weeks to finish it. But all that work made all the pain come back. Yesterday it seemed tolerable enough (with the aid of some advil) but I knew we were headed for pain when I woke up this morning because of the pain. And it's not the tooth so much, as there's a cyst or something below the tooth - so it's actually below that tooth along the jaw line where the pain is. Not only that, but I can feel whatever is in there if I touch it - which stupidly enough I keep trying to feel it which makes it hurt more! Yes, I'm an idiot at times.
Aside from that dh has been gone a lot this week. The kids miss him. I miss him. He works so hard though so it's not like I'm mad he hasn't been around. I just miss him. We've hardly had a chance to talk much. Our longest conversation this week - was on the phone today.

Aside from all that whining, I was able to get my house pretty clean this week! It looks messy now, but that's just things out of place. Most surfaces have been scrubbed, dusted, vacuumed, mopped, swept, washed, wiped, and just cleaned! That feels good. I've planned my meals for next week. Tomorrow I will go shopping and probably do a trip where we will bulk up on items. I've found I tend to do two weeks of bulk shopping and then 2 weeks of light shopping. And we are running out of all those things I bulked up on a few weeks ago!

Tomorrow I have to work! I haven't had a pay check since - well, I think since 6ish years ago? Crazy! Just a few hours in the evening for my parents selling tickets. The nice thing is that between crowds I can pull out some knitting. Definitely a perk for sure!

So incredibly blessed!

2007-10-04T00:39:00.000-05:00

Dh and I have been so incredibly blessed lately, it is amazing.
First of all, twice in the last two weeks we've been given almost a complete meal for free from my family's business. Sometimes they close without food being sold (hamburgers, hotdogs, brats) and twice they've give the leftovers to him. Since it's about a 15 minute drive, they are actually slightly warm when he brings them home! We merely pull out some chips and fruit from the fridge and eat dinner! Hotdogs and hamburgers may not seem like a big deal, but really, it is.
Then on Sunday night he brought home an entire box of apples for me to make applesauce with. I finally got around to doing it tonight. I had to toss about 25% of the apples because they were "seconds" and didn't feel like waiting until tonight to be messed with. The rest though, were still beautiful and I till can't figure out how they were considered seconds! I made enough applesauce to fill 12 1-pint jars up! Combine that with the 6 already in my freezer, and that should last us at least 4 months. And I have children who LOVE applesauce. This is an incredibly blessing for us.
Now, it gets even better! He was also given 14 ears of corn (that had been grilled already but not sold). So we cut off the kernels and froze it. I have enough corn for at least 4 dinners in my freezer now.
Honestly and truly, this is incredibly wonderful for us! The awesome thing, I can get my hands on another box of apples pretty much once a week until the end of October!
I am so incredibly thankful for these gifts.

Now, don't get me wrong ... because I don't want to leave anyone with the wrong impression. We would be able to put an adequate amount of food on the table without these gifts. But, regardless, this truly helps! Because we are trying to fix the mess we made of money over the course of this year. And we are at the point where every little dollar counts. And so this is tremendously wonderful!

Lately ...

2007-10-03T00:23:00.000-05:00

I've been spending time going through all our digital pictures (which date back to 2001!) to delete all the blurry, heads missing, bad shots, etc, from the hard-drive. No need to store pictures I absolutely would never print up. Plus, I have a terrible habit of taking a series of 7 pictures in a row in the hopes of getting one good one.
I am not completely done and have already freed up a lot of space on the hard drive LOL!

Aside from the feeling of getting a little bit more organized around here, it's been an interesting trip down memory lane. I can't believe how little the girls look in those pictures! Little Momma was a newborn in some of them! We have a few of Little miss really young, but most pictures start around her 3rd birthday! She has changed so much and it really struck me how much she has "grown up." And even Little Man, who granted is only 21 months old now, but to see his newborn pictures ... It is so amazing looking back on them.

But I noticed a few things:
1. I have so many pictures of Little Momma laying down ... on the couch, on the floor, just laying and hanging. Not to say I don't have any pictures of her playing, but they are a small percentage of them. I have her laying and looking at books, I have her laying and holding dolls, I have her cuddling with blankets. She truly has changed the most of all my kids - you wouldn't know today that she had extensive therapy from about 18 months to 3 years old! And thank God for that truly. I am so glad how far she has come, and she had to work hard to get here and I am so thankful we are where we are today with her.

2. I have tons of pictures of the kids painting, exploring, playing dress-up, playing with rice and beans (yes, I have buckets of both for my children), of them helping me cook, of walks and parks and all sorts of fun things. But something has changed .... I don't do those things so much anymore with the kids. And that makes me feel sad truthfully. I don't know if moving into another house stopped some of it and then being sick while pregnant made some more of it stop and then having a very high maintenance child stopped the rest of it ... that's my guess. But it is time to get it back!

So I've been trying. I took the kids out last Saturday to a (free) event locally that the girls at least enjoyed. I pulled out the box of beans the other day and all three kids went crazy for them! Of course there were quite a few spills with Little man in the mix, but I didn't let that bother me! I am letting Little Man help me out more often (which is helping in two ways, I can actually accomplish housework and he's too busy "helping" me to whine about not getting my undivided attention 24/7). I have been playing blocks and barbies and trains and school with the kids. We go outside, we work together, we talk, we have more fun. We are still going in small steps but I am trying hard to get that back. And given what feels like an endless supplies of art stuff in our basement and the tight budget we are on right now, I have a feeling this is exactly the sorts of things I need to bring back before the winter weather really sets in and we are feeling housebound when the temperatures are in the teens for a week at a time!

Already starting ...

2007-09-28T15:33:00.001-05:00

Today my 7 year old came to me pretty sad.
A few girls in the neighborhoods made fun of her clothes. They said her shirts were not "cool." They also teased her because they weren't bought at 2 stored that are apparently in around here. Furthermore, they laughed and guessed her clothes were bought at Target or Kohls.
I knew this day would be coming. And I feel her pain (I never shopped at the right stores growing up either). And it's killing me to know they are are already teasing her about this ... the girl is in second grade! Do kids really care about where the clothes they wear come from? Do other parents buy the clothes the children insist are "cool" without thinking about the cost or the message they are sending their children? Well, apparently kids that young do care about it.
And because dh and I don't believe in catering to what is cool and what is not, my dd will pay the price by having these kids make fun of her.

We did talk about it today. I told her what is on the inside is more important, but that it is sometimes hard to remember that when you are young and trying to be cool. I told her she is beautiful no matter where her clothes are bought. I told her to not let anyone make her feel any less pretty because of it. I gave her a big hug. I told her I was sorry that it was happening. I tried to make her feel better. I tried to alleviate some of her pain. She smiled when we were done. She told me she knew the inside was more important. But she told me it's not fun to be the "uncool" kid.

I can't fix this. And I'll admit ... there is a part of me that wants to run out to the "cool" stores and buy her a few shirts from there so that she can be like the others, but I won't do that. Maybe when the budget allows for it, or we are going just because it is a place to shop, we'll go to them. And maybe we'll buy something ... but I don't want to teach her at 7 to cave into peer pressure!

But folks, my heart hurts for her. And I hope this isn't going to happen often or anytime soon. Because I've been there. And it doesn't feel good. And it isn't easy to remember to judge someone by the inside when you are 12 and the other kids are laughing at you.

CGI

2007-09-27T14:30:00.001-05:00

Right now the Clinton Global Initiative is happening in New York.
My friend Emily is there right now (and blogging about it here).
Today she shared the link so that we can watch it live via the web ... go check it out ... here.
I've been able to sneak in a bit between everything else going on here and wow - some amazing things going on there. Lots of good talking. Lots of good sharing. Lots of good ideas. Go, watch, listen, learn and maybe something will spark with you and you will be moved to do something!

I've been neglectful ...

2007-09-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

of this little blog here.
Some days I am bursting with 1,001 things to tell you about, and other times, I'm silent - not having much to share.
Right now although I am silent, it feels as if 1,001 things are happening around here. Except I lack the words or the time or the motivation to come and share it all. Sometimes I need to come here and type everything out and other times I need to mull it over in my head for a while and then I'm ready to come type it all out.

We are in the midst of all these changes around here - which seem big to talk about and yet are small in the day to day routine of things. I suppose that's a good thing. Small changes in the routine are easier to incorporate, are easier to make habit and are easier to stick to. We are doing fabulous on our budget. We are spending wisely and "acting our wages" finally. Of course, to really do that well, we will probably be selling out house this spring. It leaves me with a bit of sadness. I like our house. I like our neighborhood. It will feel as if we just got settled and then we will have to move again! We'll see how that goes. I have also started to fall in love with housekeeping tasks and meal planning and grocery shopping and all that jazz - something I've never wanted to do before, much less actually enjoy it! DH was just replaces at his company (but thankfully not fired from it - right now he's training the replacement and will hopefully be moved to another spot in the company). It leaves me a little bit anxious though! What if they decide to fire him in a month? He isn't all that convinced that the other guy will even work out though so maybe he won't stay replaced for more than a few weeks!

My son is driving me nuts. He is just constantly challenging me, whining at me, wearing me out, driving me crazy, and pushing all my buttons - all at the ripe old age of 21 months old! Something has to give here. I am trying to readjust my parenting strategy with him. I'm trying to swoop in and redirect before we get to a temper tantrum point, but well, I'm not always successful with that! Today though he helped me make some applesauce which proved to be a good distraction for him and great fun for us as we watched him try to "sneak" bits of apple from the pot when I wasn't looking! But we're trying .. and I know miracles don't happen overnight.

My Little Momma is doing fabulously well on her diet. I keep waiting for it to stop working (I know, sort of sad) but it keeps on working well! So yeah for that! =)

I suppose I should also tell you that the scrapbooking the other night was FABULOUS. I am so glad I didn't cancel it - we had fun. I finally finished the book I have been working on. I got 3 embroidery orders. And I laughed. A lot. So that was good.

The parenting seminar I went to a few weeks ago was good as well - and my church has been doing a small group study that is more in-depth which I've gone to a few times (although we skipped on Sunday). It is good stuff. However, it is really for kids 3 and over - the things we talk about just don't translate to a tiny guy very well (i.e. we talk about having the child change their heart and taking breaks and being able to answer "What did you do wrong? Why was that wrong? What will you do next time?) Although these things are working well with my girls (ages 5 and 7), not so much with the 1 year old. Oh well. We'll get there with him. And hey, it is working with my girls and has lowered the amount of yelling a lot so I'm thankful for that.

Anyway, I think that pretty much covers all of life for the moment. And now I must go tend to the applesauce I am making and which is smelling so YUMMY!

In 20 hours ...

2007-09-18T22:33:00.000-05:00

I will be hosting a scrapbooking gathering at my house.
This should excite me - I'll get together with some ladies, I'll get to scrapbook.

However, I am filled with terror and dread!

1. My entire house is a pigsty. Tomorrow somehow I will need to clean, sweep, mop, vaccuum, organize, finish laundry, teach the children, entertain the school and not lose my mind.

2. We have almost no food in the house, about 3 diapers left, no paper towels left. So I have to go to the grocery store. Which is usually a nightmare trip truthfully.

3. My mouth still hurts. I made it to the dentist today to find out in the spot that was hurting - an old filling leaked into the root (or something - I was only half listening), my body saw it as a foreign object and began to attack it. Oh, yeah, that sounds lovely. So we had to start a root canal today. It was not pleasant. I tell you, my mouth does not stay numb long. (This has been on-going since I can remember and also happens with topical numbing creams like lidocaine). They do some work, it starts to hurt, they stick me again, do some work, it starts to hurt, they stick me again. It never fails that we get to the almost done part and I grin and bear the pain instead of stopping to get numb again. And even though I do it by choice, it still sucks frankly.

Anyway, my mouth is still pretty sore and frankly shopping/cleaning/entertaining is not on my list of things I want to do. I will attempt to do it all anyway, because at the end of the evening, I will be glad that I had people over and that I could get that time to work on my scrapbook! But I will probably whine my way through it tomorrow LOL

That is all. Just wanted to get that out there and whine a little to the internet.

Do. Not. Procrastinate.

2007-09-15T11:50:00.000-05:00

I am the QUEEN of procrastination. I have procrastinated on nearly everything at some point in my life. Every time I get something pretty close to the wire, I promise to not procrastinate next time. Apparently, I am procrastinating on putting that promise into action! But it seems that each time I am able to squeak by. And I have to say, sometimes the rush of trying to do things in a short time, well, sometimes it can feel good (in a weird way I guess). So far I haven't had anything really bad happen due to my procrastination.
Until this past week. Not only was I burned once by procrastinating, oh no, I was burned twice.
First, I sometimes I procrastinate on laundry - but eventually the cries of my family running out of underwear get me to do it. However, sometimes I put my son in cloth diapers, and sometimes I don't. Apparently last time I put him in cloth for a few days, I forgot and never did that load of laundry. I think the last time he wore cloth was a month ago? Maybe? I won't tell you about it - only that even after washing everything about 10 times, everything in that basket will be thrown away. Actually, if I had found them the night before garbage day, I would have tossed without washing. But since I found it almost right after the garbage was collected, I could not let it sit for another 6 days like that. Really, all I can say is, it was gross. And I'll leave it at that.

Second, when I had my teeth cleaned this fall I was warned about some cavities. A few on one side and a few on the other (yes, I get a lot of cavities and I've discussed it here before but it's just how it is). So I had the one side worked on and promised to come back to get the other side. Besides, I told myself, it's not like any of it hurts or anything. Until Thursday night that is. I was innocently brushing my teeth before bed. I then flossed and even used Listerine without problem. Laid down and approximately 43 seconds later pain was searing through the left bottom of my mouth. I got up, took a few Tylenol, and tried to go back to bed. Tried to suppress the tears, took a few more Tylenol and finally, about 3 hours later fell asleep. Now, the crazy thing is that when I woke up, it didn't hurt. I actually wondered if I dreamed it! But to be on the safe side, I phoned the dentist (hoping to get in the next day or two). Oh no, Mr. Dentist wasn't going to be in the office again until Tuesday. I was told to take ibuprofen next time and call back if the pain increased. So I went about my day and in the afternoon the pain started to come back - but nothing too bad. Until it got really bad and I popped 2 advil, sat on teh couch and just started to bawl! Yes, I bawl and I'm a wimp. Big Man stopped to buy some orajel on his way home. It helped a little bit - but then the advil kicked in and so we decided to go out to dinner (since it was my mommy's birthday). And it was good, until towards the end when it felt like someone walked by and stuck a knife through my tooth and gum. I went to the car (where I bawled some more) and waited for the rest of my family to finish. When we came home, Big Man called the dentist. And I now have an antibiotic in case it's infected and some vicodin to take. And it's helping, but there is still some pain there. And Tuesday feels like it is 4 months away.

So, well, if this won't teach me not to procrastinate, I'm pretty sure there is no hope for me on that subject!

9/11

2007-09-11T13:22:00.001-05:00

Today marks the anniversary of what happened not all that long ago.
And thoughts are swirling around in my head. 9/11/01 is a day I will never forget. I didn't even know about it right away - nope. I was watching PBS kids with Little Miss then. And dh called me and told me he was leaving downtown Chicago (which actually, he is down there again today - kind of weird since he goes to Chicago about once a year for work). He told me to change the channel to find out what was going on - he couldn't even really explain to me what was going on, only that it was bad and a LOT of people were leaving Chicago so traffic was pretty bad.
I flipped the station and almost immediately burst into tears. I was so scared. And then the building fell. And all I could do was just sit there. It was awful. I called dh again, kind of hysterical and begged him to come home. He couldn't. His boss wanted everyone at work. And not only that, but they weren't allowed to watch the coverage at all (and yes, typing that today fills me with a sadness and anger - I wonder if they regret that decision now). I did not want to stay home alone. I was terrified something would happen in Chicago/near Chicago and I was just completely afraid to be home alone with my daughter. I called my mom. I was supposed to go to college classes. I didn't. It was an hour drive and I just couldn't make myself get in my car and go. Instead I went to my mom's house. And I sat there most of the day. We watched coverage. I was terrified and scared. Everything seemed so surreal to me.
I remember most of all, waking up the next day, needing to go to classes, needing to take my daughter to the sitter and struggling to figure out if that was safe to do or not. I did do it.
I will tell you right now, I did not directly know anyone who lost their life that day. I did not know anyone who was injured. (I did know a few people in the area who had crazy experiences to share with me) but something inside of me just couldn't handle all that was going on.
I ended up dropping out of two of my classes that semester. I couldn't focus on things for a while and I had a hard time leaving my daughter as many days I was supposed to. So I dropped some classes and was only on campus a few days a week.

Fast forward a year later .... and the first anniversary of 9/11 was approaching and I was getting ready to give birth to my second child. Because of how things were going with the pregnancy (meaning they weren't going quite as well as they should have) my midwife wanted to induce me. We decided 9/10 would be a great day to do it - but then she looked at me, very seriously and said "Will it be a problem if she is born on September 11?" I felt taken aback - Of course not! I responded. She was concerned the inducement could carry over to the 11th and wanted to prepare me for that possibility.
I went home, dh and I chuckled about it. And then told ourselves that if she was born on 9/11 that would be a beautiful thing - something good on a day that would seem so sad. We thought it might even be kind of nice if she waited to be born that day!
Well, she wasn't. She came on the 10th just as planned. And it was wonderful. Truly it was, but then I turned on the coverage of the memorial. And I sat in that bed, holding my new baby just bawling my eyes out. The pediatrician came in, turned off the tv (told me I was in no condition to be watching something so emotional), opened the windows, checked her out and told me to spend the morning bonding with my new baby.
I think that is how I spend each September 11th now - I know it's going on, it is in my heart, but I for all intents and purposes turn off the tv (meaning I don't really like to watch the stuff on TV nor do I really read about it) and go about life with the kids.

Today we are playing, doing school, we will run errands, and we try to just do what we do.
But in my heart and head, I am saying prayers. I am still mourning the loss of life, I am mourning what happened since then, I am mourning how that sense of safety feels like it went away. And I am also waiting in anticipation - of the next attack, of the next attempt. I'd like to think we can stop it from happening again. But that might be a little naive? I hope not, because I really do hope that we don't have something like that happen for a while ....

Reading the wrong blogs ...

2007-09-10T18:48:00.000-05:00

Today, just by randomly browsing blogs, I came across three blogs that talked about Christians. And basically said all Christians are judgmental because all of them judged non-Christians harshly and thought anyone who wasn't a Christian must not have morals, must not be nice or good people, and should be avoided at all costs.
Then the preceded to talk about how they couldn't be friends with Christians because of those reasons.

And I thought to myself, well, aren't they doing the same thing they are accusing all Christians of doing? Furthermore, are all Christians really like that? My husband (who is not a Christian) would probably say no, not really. Especially since I am a Christian. I think he's pretty nice, pretty intelligent and has some pretty darn good morals. I thought he was nice enough to marry and even nice enough to have children with.

Most of the time, I could care less if a person is a Christian or not, just so long as they are nice and friendly. I am friends with Christians and non-Christians. I do not think that only believers are nice or that only believers have morals, nor do I shield my family from them.

Do I think I'm perfect? Nope. Not at all. Do I think anyone who says they are a Christian is perfect? Oh goodness, no way! Have I hurt people's feelings in the past? Yep, probably more times than I am aware of!

But, I have to admit it hurts to think that if I walked up to some people and said I was a Christian, chances are they would want nothing to do with me from that moment on. I admit, they probably have been cast aside or treated poorly by people in the past, but truthfully, haven't most of us been treated poorly at one time in our life? I can't cast out an entire group of people based on the actions of one, because really - there wouldn't be anyone left for me to talk to!

Anyway, I'm rambling. And just sharing. I don't have answers. And I don't want to debate with anyone about this. I simply want to share and blab about what is going through this head of mine.

More tossing things ...

2007-09-09T22:48:00.000-05:00

So last night, I went through a lot of my magazines - which of course I save because, well, I might need them one day. I looked through and decided which to keep (admittedly over half of them I still own) but I picked a lot to dump.
Then I (quickly) flipped through and ripped out any articles I wanted to save. I purposefully flipped quickly otherwise I might want to keep all the articles LOL!).
Actually, I was surprised by how few articles I kept.
As an extra incentive I teased my dh that he should pay me a quarter a magazine. He agreed, thinking he might owe me 1 or 2 dollars.
I got rid of:

44 magazines!

And kept just a small pile or articles:

I already had a binder started when I did something similar a few years ago, so I just added them into the binder. And we had a huge pile to add to the recycle bin today! LOL!

(cross posted at My 101 in 1001 List)

I also went through the bathroom shelf and got rid of about half of my lotions. Which is fine because some of those bottles I've had longer than I've been married. I know, it's so sad. I have a hard time letting go, but I have to admit, getting rid of things has been a very good thing, and I am enjoying it a lot!

Just in time ...

2007-09-07T16:56:00.001-05:00

Tonight the whole family is going to a parenting seminar called Parenting is heart work.
Right now, it feels like hard work. And I'm ready to go and hide for a few days.
Mostly it's my 1 year old. This kid throws fits like I've never seen. He screams in the grocery store, temper tantrums in the library, fights me about everything, can't handle it if Thomas the Tank is not on TV (which it is not on most of the time). He stresses me out. He pushes all of my buttons on the same day - no, the same hour!
Don't get me wrong - I love the kid. He's got spunk. And when he's not fighting/crying/tantrumming he is really happy and it's hard to not laugh when you're playing with him. I just wish I could get more of that side of him.
Oh well. Tonight he will be in a nursery playing games, and I will hopefully be learning something useful to help me through these days! LOL!

On a Mission ...

2007-09-05T18:35:00.001-05:00

Today I have set out with a new mission for around the house.

I want to start a household binder. Nothing fancy, nothing store bought, just something I can make at home to keep our things together. I haven't thought much about how I will accomplish this quite yet, but I thing the tabs I want to include are:
menu's/recipes
grocery lists
Chores
Budget Info
Holiday/Birthday section
Important Phone Numbers
To do Lists
Kids Info
Medical Info

This will be first on my list of items to accomplish. After that, I think I want to do a School Binder, Home Binder, Garden Binder, Craft Binder and then make an "I'm Bored" binder for the kids.
We'll see ... I need to finish this first binder before I can think about these other things. I think the next few days will find me gathering recipes, shopping lists, creating spreadsheets, gathering all the important phone numbers into one place, typing lots of things and also trying to make it look pretty! That is just as important to me afterall! LOL!

Here's hoping if I spend a lot of time working on it now, it will get easier in the future. Afterall, come October, dh and I will both be working part-time and there is a chance I might also do some part-time work come November/December to help kick-start our savings and get the budget stuff under control! So if that does occur, I really want to get things a lot more organized around here!

Homeschooling: Week 6

2007-09-04T14:46:00.000-05:00

This week marks our 6th week of school. I know, I know, we did start early. For most people this will be somewhere between the first to third week of school.
Anyway, you'd think with 5 weeks under our belt, we'd be in a good rhythm, a good schedule. Things would be going pretty smoothly and we'd have a flow to our days.
Well, you would be wrong. For the most part, Little Miss enjoys her work and has fun with it. She likes what we are reading and hasn't been complaining about the worksheet items we are doing either.
And yet, we can't get on a schedule. Things come up, we have to run errands, the phone rings, Little Man is crabby, etc, etc. This week I need to really focus on us getting into a good rhythm with things. I need to increase time spent outdoors and reading and decrease time spent with tv/computers/video games.
We will get there. I will say we are doing much better this year than last year, and for that I am very thankful!

Labor Day ...

2007-09-03T09:32:00.000-05:00

Happy Labor Day everyone!

I leave you with this today:

Wah, wah, wah

2007-09-02T19:40:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting here feeling pretty sorry about myself.
I know, it's dumb really, but it's the truth.

Anyway, tonight dh and I were both supposed to be home. We were supposed to hang out, talk, play games (on the computer) and mostly just enjoy each other's company. Frankly, we've not spent much time together this entire summer and it's really just seemed like too much away time.

But guess what? I'm here. Dh isn't.
I suppose I should mention he is working tonight. Which is better than say, ditching me to go out with the guys, or drinking our money away, or for me to say that I he's not here and I don't know where he is. I know I should be glad he's not here because he's working. And I know I should be glad that he works so hard to support my family and allow me to be a stay at home mom - and I am. I am very glad for all of that. But sometimes I am selfish and I WANT TIME WITH MY HUSBAND.

::sigh:: Off to find some chocolate, grab some knitting, and curl up in front of the tv for the night ...

Rhythm of life ...

2007-08-29T23:18:00.000-05:00

Every time I think we are getting into a good rhythm in our life, it seems like something happens!
I suppose what I really need to learn is to be more flexible with things and accept changes and hiccups without worrying so much about it all. But it's true that's one thing I struggle with - if I have a plan for the day and it goes awry, it just makes me feel out of sorts.
I need to learn to handle that better and not let things bother me so much!

Today my son spent much time crying. It was in fact very hard on me. I'm sure it was rough on him as well, but really by the end of the night I needed to hear NO more crying or whining. I was done with it all. Thankfully Big Man put him to bed (4 different times no less) and I could finally breath and relax.

The next few days will be fun - I'll have 2 extra little ones to keep track of. Okay, they are 4, so not too little, but it will be fun to add another 2 girls into the mix and see what happens LOL! I think my girls will have a blast with it all honestly and I'm looking forward to everyone entertaining each other =) Of course, this is also helpful since well, at this point, every single dollar coming into this helps a lot so yeah for a few extra dollars coming in! I have an adult friend coming over tomorrow too (along with her little boy) and amidst all the chaos of children we will try to get some scrapbooking in. I hope that we will be a bit successful LOL!

Anyway, I am really going to try hard to not little things bother me so much from now on. I do believe my days will go smoother if I can just learn to relax a little bit more!

I will! I will!

2007-08-28T22:32:00.000-05:00

Little Man has quickly turned into a typical toddler. His day is filled with shouts of "mine" or "my truck" he has even said to me while I am puttering on the computer "my puter!"
Ah yes, he thinks everything is his, everyone comes over to visit him and now he thinks he can do anything. All day long I here "I will!"
For instance if I say "I'm going to turn off the TV" he races ahead of me yelling "I will" and turns off the TV. If I say I'm going to go get his blanket he yells "I will" and gets it himself. If I ask Little Miss or Little Mama to do something, yep, he yells "I will" and tries to beat them to it.
Now this extends to other things. For instance, if I say "I have to make dinner now!" he will run to the kitchen shouting "I will!"
Silly Little Man I think. Now really, he can't make dinner. He's not even two! But he has no sense of that. He thinks he can do anything he wants to do. He knows no limits and no bounds. So he doesn't know how to cook? That doesn't matter. I think he believes once he gets in the kitchen the knowledge will come to him - or maybe he has faith that his father or I will help him with the things that he needs to do. That we will reach in, lend a helping hand and he will get the task done.
And really, is that such a bad outlook to have on life? To dream of reaching the stars, to accept help when you need it from others, to have faith that someone is out there wanting the best for you (in my case that would be my faith in God) - really, I think I should start taking lessons from him. I think my son is probably a pretty smart guy and I will try to mimic his enthusiasm for life.

Woo-hoo

2007-08-24T11:33:00.001-05:00

Power is back up ...
Of course 2 hours till we are supposed to be hit by major storms again. Crossing my fingers they are wrong about it LOL!

It's raining ...

2007-08-24T09:04:00.001-05:00

It's raining
It's pouring
The tornado sirens
are roaring

The lightning flashed
And the thunder crashed
And now we don't have power!

Yeah, yeah, power doesn't rhyme, but it's the truth!

Yesterday started out as any normal day.
But it all became quite crazy after surviving 2 tornado sirens, 2 powerful storms, and one normal storm - which knocked the power out!

But between neighbors checking on us, us checking on them, getting help, borrowing a generator, and feeling we did all we could do, dh and I finally managed to hop into bed at 2 am.

We woke up to the power still out, but my husband plugged in the internet service for me anyway!

So now with the generator, I don't have to worry about the basement flooding, the food going bad, and I can check weather and pass the time checking e-mails! LOL!

Trying to find time ...

2007-08-23T14:32:00.000-05:00

to run in and do a quick update.
Thank you so much for good thoughts yesterday and some kind words.
When I wrote last night, things still had that raw feeling to them. Dh went to bed feeling defeated - and he is not typically a person who feels that way. I stayed up to write and was also feeling very defeated.
After writing and then laying on the couch to veg in front of the TV, a few good ideas did come to me as to how I can help earn a bit of income for my family - because even if it was just a bit here and there, we are at a point where every thing helps.
So I began to write an e-mail to my then slumbering husband to read at work today. As I typed that letter more ideas came to me. Each one was small, but when put together it could start to make an impact.
Today I sat down with my girls and I told them that things were tight and we will be making changes around here. We talked about no more fast food, how birthdays and Christmas would be smaller this year, we talked about spending our money wisely, we even talked about how we might have to cancel the cable (which would be big for them since 90% of their tv viewing is disney channel).
I am proud to say my girls said okay to everything I talked about. They asked what they could do to help us. My 7 year old offered to have a lemonade stand and to share money with the family. I was blown away by how they didn't get upset or sad but merely said okay and wanted a plan! (And slightly embarrassed that I didn't react more like them last night but only a little bit and of course I didn't give them the complete doomsday report either LOL!)
So we talked about the ways they could help us - by remembering to turn off lights and not waste water and to not let clean clothes get into the laundry pile because even if we did all that and saved 10 dollars a month on the electric bill that would be very nice.
I feel better today for several reasons -
1. I've had a decent night's rest. Life will go on, even if we have to make changes. Really, we will still have food, shelter clothing and I am SO grateful we don't have to worry about any of that. I mean compared to the rest of the world, that makes us so extremely lucky.
2. As I mentioned a few days ago, I really feel there are a lot of positive things going on my life right now - in my family's life. How quickly I forgot that for a while last night. But I remembered and maybe this is just a part of the bigger picture of all that is going on right now. Maybe in 10 years I will look back and laugh about how sad I was last night and how it turned out to be one of the best things to happen to us. I mean really, how great would that be? And even if it doesn't turn out to be one of the best things, it doesn't mean we can't survive. Perspective. I have to keep some perspective here (which also applies to point 1 because perspective will show that I am still luckier than most).
3. I have faith. I do believe there is a God up there who loves me and cares about me. I do believe that things will be okay. We might not be millionaires, but we can still be happy and do lots of great things in this world. And maybe God has a plan that I am not privy to yet, but it might turn out to be better than I can even imagine at this moment.
4. I have lots of good friends who will be there for me!
For instance, Kris, when you said

Dear Hubby and I went thru a similar time back when I was pregnant with our son. We had to sell our home to stay 'above water'. It was such a hard thing to do, such a difficult time in our lives, but we survived and we look back on it now as a time of very valuable Life Lessons that we learned because of it. We were around 25/26 at the time. It's not the end of the world. As you say, a house is a house. HOME is wherever you are together as a family. I will certainly pray the Lord gives you peace in all this. Just remember, this too shall pass. You won't be stuck in this Valley forever.

I remember you talking about times you've been down and things have worked out. I'm so glad you are there to share these things with me. Because I can take comfort that one, I'm not the first (and I know I won't be the last person) with these struggles. And two, you made it through it all and if going through it will make as wonderful a person as you, then it's worth it! =)

And Ornery's Wife,

A new "lurker" here, and I have enjoyed reading your blog. As a fellow believer, I urge you to remember the following things about our Father

Thank you for your reminder of those things. You are right! And stop lurking! LOL! Comment more often =)

And Sallie, thank you too!

We wanted to pay off our debt before we bought a house so we used this calculator to give us an idea of what to do. It was helpful for us

What a wonderful feeling to be debt free! I hope I'm there with you soon LOL!!

Dh and I haven't had a chance to talk much today, but we did share a few words. He has a plan. He is running a side business. We have personally loaned the business most of the money it is using to run. The business runs from about April-November. He will aggressively try to market it in order to sell it, or come April he will liquidate the business and pay us back as much as we loaned as possible. He is set on doing this. I am feeling torn.
On one hand - doing that will give us some savings and might be enough to pay off our second mortgage. Although it really is a small payment each month, that would be one less payment to make each month. Also I will get him back over the summer. The business gives us a bit of income each year and gives us some tax write-offs (all legally I might add) but I'm not sure the money is equal to the time dh puts into it. And truthfully I have been ready for him to sell it for about a year now!
But I feel sad for him. He worked so hard to get this business going. He has put so much time, money and energy into it. I am so proud of what he has accomplished. He started this business when we were in a similar position - we needed more money to survive and so he did this to get us another income. And I appreciate it so much. And he has so much time and energy invested into it. I'll be sad that he has to lose that.

But this makes me love and appreciate my husband even more. Because I woke up ready to move. Don't get me wrong, I was sad about it - but I'll do it if I need to, you know? But my guy, my great guy, decided to give up his little business instead of moving the whole family. And I know it was hard for him to decide to do that, but I appreciate it. And I know our kids will appreciate it as well.

Anyway, on top of all of that, something else very exciting happened today. Something that only helped me to remember that there is a plan out there. That things will be okay. And I'm actually happy and excited about it.

No matter what happens, I am going to work hard to keep my attitude in check. Things will happen. Afterall, we are human. Things happen - both good and bad. This is just another part of our journey through life!

Edited to add:
After I posted this, I read this over at Shalee's Diner. Yes. I needed that read today! And you should read it too! =)

I think I might be sick ...

2007-08-22T22:47:00.000-05:00

Dh and I went over the budget tonight. I mean we really went over it and dissected it and crunched numbers.
It is not a pretty picture at all. In fact, things look positively awful. Something has to give soon or else.
I am so terribly upset and sad right now I can't believe it.

And I feel pretty damn stupid for not seeing what was coming sooner - as in before we decided to buy a house. Really, someone needs to come in here and ask me what the hell we were thinking when we did this. And why, please tell me why, were we approved for this loan? Actually, we were proved for a much larger loan - really? I can't even imagine right now what we would have done with an even larger loan.

Anyway, all that aside. I'm kind of pretty sure that we might have to in fact sell this house and move. Which leaves me so torn. I know, I know, it's just a house. We can't take it with us. But I love my house and I love my neighborhood, and the kids are so happy here and when we bought the house I was just filled with a feeling that was the house for us.

Ugh. I guess the good news in all of this is we are figuring all of this out before things got really bad (as in lots of debt or losing the house or whatever). The good news is that a house is a house - as long as my family is in it we can make it through. We theoretically could stay in this house. However, to do it without going further into debt each month, we would have to: cancel our cable, cancel the landline, spend nothing on entertainment, hobbies or fun. We'd have to drive my van as little as possible (essentially pretend we only had one vehicle except for very important things), we'd have to become VERY good bargain shoppers and pretty much not save money at all each month. So basically, we'd have this great house but nothing else. Well, frankly, if that is what it takes to stay here, I don't want to stay here. I want to have fun in my life. I want my kids to have fun. I'm not saying I want to vacation in Europe twice a year, but people, I need some money to spend on fun, not needed items.

Of course, as my hubby told me tonight, we can't make any rash decisions. We need to really take a week and make sure we have all the info we need to make any decisions at all. He also said to give him a few days to make a plan. Okay. Unless he has a secret stash somewhere, well, I'm not sure what sort of plan he might come up with! LOL!

Anyway, we are walking a tough path here for a while. I know, I just know it will all work out. I also know that it won't be easy.

So blessed ...

2007-08-22T00:34:00.001-05:00

I've been feeling extremely blessed lately - which is great but has left me wondering why me? and well now what?
It seems that opportunities are just falling at dh's and my feet. It's also very strange. And I can't help but wondering why me? why us? where is it all coming from?
See, I look around and sometimes wonder if all these opportunities and good things wouldn't be better for someone else to get? Maybe someone else could take them farther and do more with them then me. Not that I think I'm a terrible person, but I know there are people out there who are smarter than me, wiser than me, have more experience than me, and do a lot more than I do! And I wonder if there opportunities made a wrong turn some where and ended up at my door! Is that weird of me or what?

I am also left to wonder well now what? What do I do with all these opportunities? Well, I am following up on each and every one of them! They have all been so great and things that make me feel all excited and happy and wonderful inside! I feel like I'm being given the ability to change my life in so many grand and positive ways here folks. All of it is almost over-whelming! Tonight dh and I started the FPU classes I won not that long ago. Over the weekend I was asked to teach knitting classes this winter (it's almost a fluke how that happened, maybe I'll explain another day). I feel like I've had some changes in my heart lately and am really learning some valuable life lessons here (especially with my whole learning to live with less thing going on and the Bible study I am participating in).

It's almost as if I am caught up in the perfect storm, but it's not a storm so much as it's all sunshine and butterflies and laughter and happiness. And so I'm really thinking and searching and praying about what comes next? Because I hope there is something next. I hope it's something fun and exciting and challenging. I hope it's something I can do to give back and/or pay it forward. I hope that maybe all of this is going on right now to prepare me for something I can do to make a difference in this world. Because, really, how amazing would that be?

And really, when it comes down to it, what I am really hoping is that all this goodness and opportunity is not being wasted on me. I just don't want to waste it and throw it all away. Although I am quite determined to not let that happen.

But I feel like there is a part of me, holding my breath, just waiting to see what awesome things will follow everything going on right now. So I have been doing a lot of praying lately about this. Just praying that my heart is open, my eyes are open, and my ears are open. And that somehow I can give back in a positive way and do something good for others. And that I won't waste all that is going on right now. Because it just feels like there is something around the bend, something exciting and wonderful and I want to be prepared for it!

Cost of homeschooling?

2007-08-21T23:14:00.000-05:00

Today our local paper ran an article about homeschooling. You can read it here.

Just a little blurb:

“Home schooling is far more costly,” Janik says, adding, “As long as the government stays off my back, I’m happy with it.”

Home-schooler parents pay for complete curriculums for each student. At Heritage, the parents also pay the workshop teachers. And just because a kid is schooling at home doesn’t mean he doesn’t need pencils, paper, a calculator, books, a computer and the usual list of supplies.

It adds up.

Just for Janik’s six kids, including the 3-year-old twins who take only two preschool classes each, the cost of teaching her kids at home and through the one-day-a-week instruction at the workshops is about seven grand a year, she says.

“Home schooling families that do not choose to use a co-op have less expense, but probably spend money in private lessons or park district-sponsored classes such as gym and swim at the Rec Center in Elgin,” Janik says in an e-mail. “There are many programs available to home schoolers, but it all costs money that is over and above what we pay in taxes.”.

Now, I don't keep track (yet but will start now) of costs of schooling my children at home, but I am pretty sure we don't spend 1,150.00 a year to do it either.
Now, I do spend money at the park district - but my kids would take classes there homeschooled or not. So I don't see that as a homeschooling cost so much as I see it as a parenting cost (if that makes sense). My oldest was in a co-op the last three years (however, we will not be in one this year). The first year we paid 200 as she took one class for the year. The last two years we paid 600 for three classes she participated in. As far as curriculum, well, most of it I buy used. The math program we are using I bought off of e-bay 3 years ago for 110.00. It is for preschool through 6th grade math. A lot of our reading books I bought used from other homeschooling moms.
So far this year, I spent 20.00 in purchasing items and we will be doing no co-ops. We have, however, already checked out more books from the library than I can keep track of. I plan on spending about 100-200 dollars more. [Which means, even if we used the co-op, the cost to homeschool my oldest would be about 800-900 dollars.] My 4 year old will be doing some activities. Most books are things her sister used or workbook type things people have given us. Just for fun, I'll say I'm going to spend 100 dollars to do "preschool" with her.
I did buy some new folders/notebooks/etc this year. I spent about 30.00 on them with all the sales going on, that 30.00 went a long way as well.
I am going to guess that we will still need to buy some miscellaneous arts, crafts, handiwork supplies and that might be 100.00 (again, I'm going high here on my estimates).
For fun, I'm going to pretend that I might have forgotten something and might have to spend another 100.00.
That puts the high end of the estimates at 550.00 to do 2nd grade and preschool with my girls.
If I pretend that my 7 year old was taking co-op classes and for fun, I'll pretend to let my 4 year old to take one class as if we stayed she would have been eligible. That would add an addition 1000.00 and so I'd pay 1550.00 for two students this year MOST.

I do, however, realize that as my oldest gets higher up, we will be spending more money on her. But I also know that books I have already bought for her to use, will not cost anything when her sister and brother begin to use them.

It might be more than fees the public school parents pay (although a relative of mine just paid 200 in fees, another 205 in athletic fees, 300 for the rental fee for her high schooler's books, and then lunch fees, gym uniforms, etc - I think we aren't paying a whole lot more than some people in the Chicago suburbs are truthfully) but I don't think it's too expensive. Private schools around us would cost a lot more per year per child!

If you homeschool and don't mind sharing, how much do you think you will spend this year homeschooling with your children?

Go read!

2007-08-21T10:09:00.000-05:00

This has to be one of the neatest blog posts I've read in a while.
Rita created a post with lots of links to other blogs, but it's written in such an interesting way.
Anyway, go here and read!

Waiting ...

2007-08-20T18:29:00.000-05:00

There might be a phone call coming in tonight that might contain some exciting information.
And so I'm pacing the house, waiting for the phone to ring.
Now, our phone hardly ever rings. Of course, we've had 2 phone calls tonight already! LOL! Every time I hear the ring I jump about a mile high. I think my dh things it's a bit funny, and really, it is.
Here's hoping the phone call I am waiting for comes soon!

Update: It's now quarter after nine. The phone call didn't come. I'll admit I'm a bit bummed. Hopefully the call will just come later. Or I'll get an e-mail instead!

On a roll over here ...

2007-08-19T23:27:00.001-05:00

Over here at the skipping house, we are on a roll with this whole "clean out the clutter" campaign that I am running.
Today we tackled the toys. Now, we just did the toys in April, but it has been clear to dh and I that we needed to do more in the toy area. Mostly because we just feel like in general our kids have too many things and secondly between now and December 25 we will have a birthday for all 3 of our kids and Christmas to deal with. Our families are so extremely generous - which we are grateful for, but sometimes I wish they would scale back as well. My kids are given so many toys. They can't possibly play with them all. I'd rather have money for the college fund or really, I'd just rather they spent time with them. Wouldn't that be the nicest gift of all - a trip to the movies, or taking them to the park. My kids are simple - they don't need much truthfully. I think they would rather have time/attention over things. The trouble is now my kids are used to getting a ton of things and they know which relative to ask for all the things from. They are smart. They see advertising and think that they want them right then.
Anyway, we did such a good job today! I am extremely proud of my girls. We took 5 boxes of toys and got it down to 2 1/2. We emptied out a small bookcase and left a bit of space in the another bookcase as well.
Interestingly enough, when we got towards the end of the sort, my 7 year old out of the blue shouted "Oh no!" I thought maybe she was missing a toy, but no. She told me I didn't take pictures when we started and what in the world would I share on my blog! LOL! I laughed so hard when she said that, and so at the end, we pulled out the camera to show you our work:

The two boxes of kept toys (okay, so they are a bit overflowing - so were 3 of the original 5 we started with LOL!)

The first bookcase. All 4 shelves were packed with books earlier. Now, one shelf is empty and two shelves have spare room!

The other two bookcases. One is completely empty now! Woo-hoo! And the other one looks a lot more organized than when we started.

These are the toys I kept for Little Man. This basket was not completely empty when we started but I knew I wanted to keep what I kept for him to fit in this basket and it does. Very nice =)

Here is what we decided to donate:

We also had one bag of garbage to throw away.

Now, we didn't go though anything in the girls' room yet. So we still need to do that. And we could probably get rid of a few more books if I pushed them, but after all they did earlier today, I don't want to push them.

This week I will begin to go through my items and starting to part with some of them. ::sigh:: If I can do it as well as my girls did their work today then it will all turn out wonderful in the end!

First steps ..

2007-08-15T21:33:00.000-05:00

Monday I wrote about learning to live with less. I even said I was going to get rid of things in my house.
We started today - the entire family (well, minus the little guy). We went through our videos. They now all fit into one spot. So when we want to watch a movie, we can see all that own at one glance.

(well, the bottom shelf might have to be moved below because the little guy thinks the movies there are now toys, but I'm hoping after a few days he'll lose interest and stop trying to open them all up! But, I won't have to move them because they don't all fit and that's exciting!) I would like to point out, there is a bit of room there to grow. We could acquire a few more videos and fit them in nicely.

I should have taken before pictures, but I didn't think about it. Needless to say this cabinet:

was full of videos before. The few in there now are blank tapes to be recorded on or homemade movies we don't want the kids getting into by accident. Both shelves had too many movies on them and they were all kind of thrown in there.

Here is the pile of movies that will be going to good will soon (and in case you are wondering why they look oh so neat, well, that was dh's way to "stack" them up. I think that was his way to toss them in a pile LOL!)

The kids did a good job of really picking movies to toss! And they had to both agree to toss them for them to end up in the pile, but I was proud of the girls. They got rid of the right amount.

I do think that this was a good item to start with. One because the whole family was involved. Two because after we were done it was nice to step back and just see it all so nice, in one spot, with no digging involved to find movies anymore. I mean, really, it just felt good! And now I have an empty cabinet in the house - which is completely nice because we've been trying to find a nice place to keep our library books. I'm pretty sure we found it tonight!

Anyway, that's my first step. Things that need to be done next:
kids clothes
kids toys
kids books
adult books
my fabric stash
my yarn stash
kitchen items
magazines
craft supplies
linens

Here's hoping we can get it done!

Recalls ...

2007-08-14T16:10:00.000-05:00

So there was another recall issued today for toys.
This is the third recall that has personally affected us this year (which seems odd since I think until this point we've only been affected by 1 recall in about 8 years!).

Anyway, the recall sucks. And it's lead again. And it's magnets again. And I had to take away toys that are played with almost on a daily basis from my girls. ::sigh::

And everywhere I look I keep reading why don't these companies just have the toys made in the good old USA where standards are (apparently) higher and the toys would then be (apparently) safer for our children.

I would like to say that I am pretty sure there have been recalls in the past that affected things made in the good old US of A. But that aside, I'm pretty sure I can tell you why these toys are coming to us from other places (mostly places that are not as developed/industrialized as the US). It's all about money.

Really, I truly in my heart believe this.

The US has a pretty decent minimum wage (despite the fact that people constantly lobby to get it higher saying it's not good enough for Americans). But if you compare our minimum wage to some other countries, you will see, even those making minimum wage are making a TON of money! And if the purchase cost of the toys were based on people making that minimum wage to make them, my guess is, most kids would own fewer toys and parents would moan and complain about how expensive toys are these days. I think this applies to most things sold here - not just toys.

We want as much as we can get for as little money as possible. Wouldn't a lot of people be in for a shock if all of a sudden product prices jumped up because they were made in the USA instead of some little old factory on the other side of the world that didn't have to provide health insurance, lunch breaks, fair wages, and other such things we get here. We would all freak. Wal-mart would probably shut down - because frankly, people want 3 shirts for 10 dollars! Not 1 shirt for 20.

I get trying to protect our children. I understand how frustrating it is to think our kids have dangerous toys in their hands and then having to take them away from them. I'm doing it too.
But I'm not really sure Americans are ready to stop using places like China to make our products. We are too cheap. We like low prices. We like good discounts. We shop at stores that promise to sell us things are super-low prices. And we get all excited at how little we paid for something! And so, we buy two of them, or three of them. And soon we have a houseful of things that we probably don't need.

Anyway, just my 2 cents on the topic!

Learning to live with less ...

2007-08-13T23:31:00.000-05:00

This is a lesson I think I need to learn. And well, I'm going to learn it very quickly! However, I might be kicking and screaming a bit while learning it.
I am the type of person who wants more - more things, more money, better cable packages, more toys for the kids, more clothes for everyone, more yarn, more fabric, more living space, more time, more, more, more. And I have to wonder, when will it end? When can I sit back and be content with all that I have? Will I ever reach a point where I say "Wow. I have enough. I'm content." I'm gonna guess the answer is no. Because if I was able to sit back and feel that, I would have done it a long time ago.
I look around my house. We have stuff everywhere! We can't even put it all away there is so much of it! Really, it's sad. I have tons of stuff, my kids have tons of stuff, the kitchen is packed, the bedrooms are packed, the basement is packed, even the laundry room is full of stuff! Honestly, it's disgusting. And it's distracting.
I think being surrounded by so much tricks my mind into thinking I need more. And the truth is, if we had less things, that would mean less clutter, and then I think I would feel more content and relaxed.
But, on the other hand, it's really hard! ::said in my best whining voice!::
I like all my stuff. I use some of it a lot. I use most of it often enough and some of it, I just might need one day!
I read recently that kids really only need 10 toys (and if I remember the blog I will link back). My kids probably have 10 times 10 toys each. Ugh.
And as we face a cash flow shortage, the buying, the spending, the constant getting more will have to end. And it will be hard. I'm also thinking, really, not only do we need to not get more but maybe get rid of some things we already have. (yes, it hurt to type that. because I like my stuff and I don't want to get rid of it! wah!)
::sigh:: I think it's what needs to be done though. Because we need to learn to appreciate what we have instead of always desiring more. And right now, there is just too much here to really appreciate what we have. It will be hard. I will drag my feet. I probably will take too much time picking what to keep and what to say good-bye too, but I think in the end it will be worth it.
And I do wonder if the money crunch is to force us to do this. (Well, by us I mean me. My dh could survive on very little and thinks I keep too much anyway. My girls are definitely taking after me though!) Not that I am going to enjoy budgeting and spending wisely, but hey, I gotta find the lesson in it. It makes the sting feel a little less painful.

With that in mind, look for updates on me actually following through with this.

God is good!

2007-08-12T13:56:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, I know. Some will read the title and shake their heads up and down in agreement and others might read it and do a little eye roll, but really, God is good.
So when I prayed the other night and felt God talked to me through the radio. And I felt awesome after that conversation. The rest of the week has gone along fantastically - it has felt like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, there is a spring in my step, I've been less worried about everything because I've just believed no matter what we will survive (not that everything will be perfect along the way, but we will survive).
Today I've had not one, but two answers to prayer! Now really, I just might have to go buy a lotto ticket or something tonight LOL!
No, first of all, I've been struggling to parent my oldest child. Who is 7 going on 17 with the attitude of hers. I have been lost in dealing with it. Sometimes I just cringe at the things that come out of her mouth, how she "jokes" all the time (despite the fact that no one around her is laughing at all and usually people are mad or sad due to hurt feelings), just this cocky attitude she has so much of the time and how it completely frustrating me. And most days, I really want to just slap her across the face for some of what she says. I don't slap her though. I usually start to yell at her and send her to her room - which is hardly helping at all. And I'm at a loss.
Today the church announced they are hosting a parenting seminar next month entitled "Cooperation, consequences and keeping your sanity." Um, yes, sounds like exactly what I need LOL! So tomorrow I will be signing up dh and I.
Secondly, I have mentioned the financial struggles we are having (basically we have a lot of material things around us but not a lot of money. And although we like all our things we'd like to keep all our things and not have the bank take our house away!). Today I found out that I won this contest over at Hyperactive Lu. It's for a Financial Peace University Membership Kit! The other day I said

And then I started moving to the point that maybe I was expecting too much from God. Let's face it. Chances of me getting a check tomorrow for about 10,000 dollars is pretty slim (not that I don't think God could do that) but I'm sure dh and I will weather this latest round of having to really control spending and my guess is when it is all said and done, we won't lose our house or lose our ability to feed the family so really, with that set, well, the extras we can live without.

And although I didn't get a check today for 10,000 dollars, well, the truth is, that it feels like I did get that check! It is just so wonderful. I can't believe it ... earlier this week I was in tears - so sad and down and just feeling completely overwhelmed and beaten and ready to just give up. And today, today, I feel on-top of the world! The diet is going well, I have a wonderful family that I love (even with some of the attitude problems we face LOL!). Rough days are going to come again. I will be sad and in tears some day. But it will be okay. I know I can cry, get the tears out, then move on with what needs to be done. Because sitting around crying and whining, well, yeah, doesn't do much to help out now does it?

As if we needed more proof ...

2007-08-12T00:23:00.001-05:00

Things have been going along very nicely with my 4 year old and her new diet.
And dh and I both convinced we have finally hit the nail on the head with her digestion issues.
And to add more proof to that, this morning, on accident, dh gave her milk - which is on her no-no list - and wouldn't you know it, this afternoon we had an issue (albeit a small one, but it was there). And in my mind it only goes to reinforce the notion that diet is, and really probably always will be, an issue for her.
But she is loving her new diet really. The entire family has fallen in love with quinoa. Really, you should try it. It is awesome. Tomorrow we are even going to try a cold quinoa cereal recipe I dug up on-line (if it's good I will share it!).
Tonight we had chicken - we dipped half of it in bisquix and half the chicken in brown rice flour for my 4 year old and she really liked it! Then we made ice cream with our new ice cream maker. Seriously, it was DELICIOUS! The entire family had some and we all wanted more LOL! Even if no one in your family has dairy issues, you should try it. And it's not even made with sugar and it still tastes good. Really, does it get any better?

Vanilla Coconut Ice Cream
non-dairy, naturally sweetened

makes 2 quarts

1-1/2 cups cold unsweetened raw nut milk (such as almond, hazelnut or cashew)*
3 cups cold coconut milk (not light)
3/4 cup raw agave syrup
2 tablespoons pure vanilla extract
optional add-ins: shaved & unsweetened dark chocolate; toasted, unsweetened coconut; finely chopped nuts; small brownie chunks; a multitude of other possibilities

Combine all ingredients (except add-ins) in blender. Blend thoroughly. Chill in the freezer to make sure it is all quite cold.

Add to ice cream maker, following manufacturer’s directions for churning. Add the add-ins during the last few minutes of churning.

For soft serve ice cream, eat immediately. For harder ice cream, transfer to an airtight container and freeze for several hours to a day, depending on degree of hardness desired.

*My ice cream maker only makes 1.5 L, so next time I will cut the recipe in half. We used unsweetened almond milk (which I bought at Whole Foods along with the Agave syrup). We ate it right out of the ice cream maker - we could have frozen it a bit more but we were all anxious to try it LOL!

(the recipe came from Such Treasures and can be found here)

Tomorrow will be M's first real test with this diet. They give juice and snacks at Sunday School. We will be bringing her a drink (rice milk which they do sell in the juice box containers) and some snack (I'll figure out in the am) to eat. So far she hasn't minded any substitutions, but I imagine when she's watching a bunch of kids get something different, it might bother her a bit. Then again, maybe not. She's been a champ with it all so far and dh says it seems to him she understands she has to have a special diet to make her feel good inside. She hasn't mentioned anything to us, but we are assuming she might notice she is feeling different but she never did complain of stomach aches before or anything like that so who knows!

Anyway, 3 more weeks on the very restricted diet and then we'll reintroduce the banned foods slowly and see what happens with her. My money was on wheat before, but after today I'm thinking maybe diary is the culprit or it's both of them that were causing some issues. We'll have more of an idea in a month. And I am so thankful that we went and saw this chiro and she suggested these food allergies/sensitivities. And I'm so very thankful it is all working!

And next time, I promise to talk about something other than my middle daughter! Although I might be sharing some more tasty recipes! =)

I <3 Whole Foods

2007-08-09T23:24:00.000-05:00

And my 4 year old does as well - although she doesn't know it.
I found there tonight a bread that she can eat - yeah! I found a cookie mix she can have - double yeah! I found all the ingredients for ice cream there as well - triple yeah!
Now, I know I just listed mostly junk food, however, I also would like to point out I dropped 90 dollars on fresh fruits and veggies tonight - and that does not include the fruits and veggies my parents sell at their farm, because my dad brings me lots of freebies (things that are good to eat but yet might have a bruise on them that keep others from buying them. Which is sad, because a lot goes to waste that way - but I get a lot of free stuff that way too!). My dad is coming over tomorrow to bring me some goodies.
I bought 6 or 7 kinds of flower, 2 kinds of starches, and a whole lot of other goodies for her! As if finding all those items weren't great enough, the lady who helped me was phenomenal! She helped me find lots of things on my list, chatted with me for a while about food allergies in general, pointed out the bread they had that was okay for my dd to eat (I didn't know one even existed! LOL!) and was just sweet! She didn't look at me like I was an idiot when I admitted I didn't even know what some of the things I was looking for were, she didn't laugh when I pronounced quinoa wrong (well, can you say it correctly? I was saying qui-noy-ya and it's keen-ywa), and was just awesome over all! She even told me that Whole Foods has a policy that if you buy something and don't like the taste, you can bring it back opened and get a refund on it! She said a lot of costumers are there looking to try new things and chances are we won't like one of the new things we like so they will just take it back. Seriously? Nice! (Although so far almonds are the only thing my dd has preferred not to eat and they didn't come from there!).

Today was another good day for my daughter too! I called dh at work and told him that. He decided this diet must be helping her and told me "Go. Go shopping. Buy the foods she needs to help her. Don't worry about the price. I will figure all of that out later. You don't worry about it."

Well, the truth is I am worried about it. But we have to buy what we have to buy to keep her healthy. I know we will survive. Christmas may not be as grand as other years, but I know we can make it special anyway. And we'll see what other things we can do to tighten the budget.

Anyway, my whole point tonight, Whole Foods rocks. I love them now! LOL!

Talking to God ...

2007-08-09T01:17:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I do pray. Maybe not as often as I should, but yet often enough.
I've never really felt like I have had a conversation with God though. I know some people pray and they say they hear/feel God talking back to them - with a feeling or something happens right away or some meaningful animal walks/flies/something by them. I've never felt that way. (Although one time I prayed about being so exhausted I thought I would die and was just in tears wanting to get some good sleep and I did instantly feel relaxed and calm and was able to sleep - and as much as I loved it and was so thankful, it felt like God did me a favor and was not conversing with me).
So, maybe this will seem weird to some one, but tonight I think I had a conversation with God. I was praying while I was driving but I still had the radio on. And I was sort of babbling along and having a hard time articulating what I was trying to say. So I finally just said well, I can't get the right words but You know my heart so that's okay. And then this song came on and when I listened I thought those lyrics are EXACTLY what I am trying to say and isn't that just a coincidence! And so I started talking again, using the words to the song as a help point. And then I started moving to the point that maybe I was expecting too much from God. Let's face it. Chances of me getting a check tomorrow for about 10,000 dollars is pretty slim (not that I don't think God could do that) but I'm sure dh and I will weather this latest round of having to really control spending and my guess is when it is all said and done, we won't lose our house or lose our ability to feed the family so really, with that set, well, the extras we can live without. Then this commercial for some conference came on and they played a clip of the guy who would be talking and he said something like

I told my neighbor that Jesus did love her. And she said, 'yeah, well if he loves me, then he needs to show me' And I thought he is showing you through the kindness of others and she just hasn't realized it yet

And I thought - YES! That is what I'm thinking. I'm moping around waiting for Jesus to show me he loves me by instantly making my dd better, sending us big fat checks, and making my life happily ever after! And really, is that so realistic! So I am in the process of learning to find His love in the other things in life, through the everyday "miracles" that might not make the news miracles, but are important enough to our lives to be miracles to us.
At this point I thought, wow, that's two coincidences, maybe I should turn up the radio ...
And so then I prayed how I was scared about how to go forward from here and how I felt I was in this huge storm and this out of control tornado and everything was just raining down on me and I was just going to drown and although I could say I know things will be okay in the future, I wasn't sure how to get to that future. And this song came on the radio ...

I got chills ... the chorus:

So stand in the rain
Stand your ground
Stand up when it's all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won't drown
And one day, whats lost can be found
You stand in the rain

I mean really. How can I come to this blog and not tell you that God spoke to me today through my radio? I know. It sounds crazy. God spoke to me today through my radio. I swear I am not crazy. But I know, I just know He was talking to me. And I know that I can get through this. And I will get through this. I just have to stand firm, but really I need to stand in Him. (I'll admit though it feels sort of cheesy to type that, but I don't know how else to say it!)
Really though, how amazingly cool is that?

Some updates ...

2007-08-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

Well, emotions are a little less raw today, so that's good. Honestly, it's mostly because my 16 year old sister came over yesterday and we found lots of silly things to laugh about and that helped a lot. It's also a little bit because, well, I'm armed with a bit more knowledge (which is something I love having) and of course I had a little talk with myself about how really it's not the end of the world and we will survive this (we might be a little battle-worn but we will survive!)

Anyway, I am armed today with lots of shopping to do, to buy a lot of foods I've never bought before (okay some of them I've never heard of before either LOL!) We have already been to a Trader Joes store. Sadly, though, they didn't have most of what was on my list. Even more frustrating was the cost of what they did have. The timing of this diet coincides with the timing of not being able to pay off the monthly credit card bill for the first time in many years. Of course what I bought there today was some already prepared food that ran on the high side. The soup cans I bought were 2.00 each - and they are about the size of the Campbell's soups, but they aren't even condensed! There is just enough for M for one meal in there. The brown rice pasta was also more expensive, but not quite the gap as the soup. A lot of what I have left to buy is ingredients to make a lot of food from scratch, and a TON of fruits and veggies. However, this is going to hit our pocket book hard. But what can we do? Nothing but suck it up and make it work really. But I have a feeling a lot of extras will have to be given up soon. Well, more about that later ....

Anyway, I think M will be eating lots of chicken over the 3 weeks, so I guess it's good she likes it so much! Dh is also going to prepare a turkey for dinner for us and all the leftovers will go for M. I will probably take the actual turkey and do a soup for her with it. So that should give us a few meals for her - and a few meals that we can ALL eat too!

Bonus for me was finding a recipe for ice cream that she can eat - it has no dairy or sugar in it! Although I need to find coconut milk, and that is going to be a bit tough I think.
I think we've found a few breakfast items and a few lunch items and a lot of dinner items. So although she will eat a lot of repeats, there will be enough variety to get us through the 3 weeks.

I still am feeling worried about it all. And I'm still anxious about how it will all work out (the diet, the money, my dh's business). I hear people say to not worry, to let it all go, etc, etc. But I don't know how to do that. And with me carrying around all this stress, is it any wonder that I got hit last night and today with a very bad headache? Probably not. I want to let it go. I want to lower my worry and my anxiety. I just don't know how. Maybe if I just tell myself to worry less and pray about it, that will help?

Last night ..

2007-08-07T14:16:00.001-05:00

I cried. I just cried. For so many reasons.
I cried because life is tough (I know, nice that after 28 years this still gets to me)
I cried because I feel bad for my Little M
I cried because I was afraid this new diet wouldn't help her.
I cried because I was afraid this new diet would help her.
I cried because dh works too much and I miss him a lot.
I cried because my dd A is kind of a brat and I don't know how to change it.
I cried because I yell at my son too much.
I cried because I yell at all my kids so much.
I cried because right now it feels like I'm stuck in a tornado - just spinning around and around and around but I can't control which direction the tornado turns and I'm just waiting for it to spit me out so that I can brush it off and move on with life the way I want to go.
I cried because I feel so inadequate as a wife and mother.
I cried because my dh tells me that I am a fabulous mother.
I cried because my dh doesn't understand all that goes on inside this head of mine.
I cried because there is just too much going on and it feels like I've lost control.
I cried because I don't know how to behave when I can't control everything.
I cried because it's impossible to control everything.
I cried because frankly, that sucks.
I cried because I'm afraid that things will never get better.
I cried because I'm afraid I will never get better.

And today another day rolls on and that tornado just keeps spinning me around ...

I need help!

2007-08-06T22:30:00.001-05:00

My dear internet, I need help!
My dd has been put on a special diet. Here are the things she can not eat:
orange
orange juice
soy milk products
cow's milk products (i.e. milk, cheese, cottage cheese, cream, yogurt, butter, ice cream, frozen yogurt)
spelt
kamut
barley
rye
corn and corn products
all wheat products (most breads, many deserts, cereals, crackers, pasta, certain soup)
eggs
shellfish
beef
pork
processed meats such as cold cuts
soy products
peanut and peanut butter
high-glycemic-index vegetables
creamed vegetables
margarine
spreads
butter
store-bought salad dressings
mayonnaise
soda pop or soft drinks
white/brown sugars
honey
maple syrup
high fructose corn syrup
ketchup
relish
chutney
barbecue sauce
chocolate
soy sauce
teriyaki

So, I got this huge lit from the doctor. And the book came with about 10 recipes to give me an idea of what to feed her. Um, yeah, some of them contain orange juice and quite a few have eggs. So, yeah. I am feeling sort of stuck here people. And I need help on figuring out what to feed her. I bought two gluten-free cookbooks today - but many of their recipes have eggs and other items on her not allowed to eat list.

I am so sad for her. She needs to be on this diet for 3 weeks. Then (assuming of course we have noticed changes for the better) we can slowly begin to add things back in to see which of them is causing her problems. Part of me hopes this works -according to what we were told not only can this diet help her digestive issues (which trust me would be enough) it could also help with her neurological issues which would be like a huge bonus! Anyway, I am hoping this will help her. But yet, we went to the store tonight (of course it was just Target but they did just put out an organic line of food) and I had a very hard time finding things she can eat. (I've been told to get to a Trader's Joe ASAP for many of the things that she can eat.) And wow, I am having a hard time finding things I can feed her aside from from fruits and veggies. And this will really put a strain on me for the net 3 weeks - Although rest assured, if there is hope it can help her I will do it. I just might whine and complain here about it LOL!

Anyway, is there someone out there who has had to do this for a child or for them self that can give me links or tips or recipes?
And thank you very much for any advice/suggestions/or just even hugs and prayers you can offer!

Get some great software ...

2007-08-06T17:09:00.000-05:00

Head on over to Lindsey's Blog (Enjoy the Journey) to find out about some great software you can get for hardly anything at all.
I ordered mine earlier today and will be stalking the mailman until it comes in! =)

From Lindsey's site:

Softbasics is offering a BACK TO HOME SCHOOL special, just for my readers. You will receive a FULL copy of the 7 program Softbasics Soft-Pak for just $4.50 shipping and handling. At present, the softbasics folks generally offer the 4 math programs in the Soft-Pak for a shipping and handling fee, with the other 3 language arts and testing programs optionally available for an extra payment. However, for this special offer, you get all 7 for just the $4.50 shipping and handling fee.

The software is best suited for students aged 6-13. What I like about it is that it is good, old-fashioned educational software. It is NOT edu-tainment (edu-tainment=lots of bells and whistles, but very little actual instruction). The folks at Softbasics have done a good job developing a product that focuses on the skills but does not go over the top with graphics and things to distract your learner. It is simple, and straightforward. It does not overstimulate the senses when trying to reinforce concepts. I like that. There's enough "edu-tainment" out there anyway.

It is an excellent supplement to any math curriculum. In fact, the folks at Softbasics have teamed up with homeschoolmath.net in developing this product. And, for only $4.50 you don't have much to lose, really!

Feel free to spread the word to anyone; it is great not just for home schoolers but students of all backgrounds.

Go click here to get it!

You are cordially invited

2007-08-06T17:03:00.000-05:00

Please join Kim and I as we continue our study of 1 Timothy...

We meet weekly on “High Places” and join in searching 1 Timothy for the character traits of God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. We search out instructions for believers. We also study questions and ideas as written in the study “Be Faithful” by Warren Wiersbe.

We are just now opening the study to others. Brandie and I will remain as the two “authors” in the blog, but hope that you can join us by adding your comments to each section...

This is a new venture for us, but we hope you will be blessed by what God reveals to us.

And, now the nitty gritty:

When: Mondays: questions go up, then throughout the next few days we post the character qualities and directions for believers. By Friday we try to have the selected questions answered.

Where: Simply come to the High Places blog

How: add your ideas in the comments section under the appropriate post. The labels work as follows:

* Bible book and chapter
*
* Kim or Brandie

* Character Study

* Directions for Believers

* Study Questions

* Nitty Gritty

* Introduction

Please, if you do join in we would love to have a brief introduction.

All answers must be supported by scripture, that way we all have the same “measuring rod” by which to speak.

Who: Any woman who is currently a Christian or seeking to learn about Christianity.

Any comments which malign the word of or character of God will be deleted. Any comments which are gossipy in nature will also be deleted. If you have questions you can email me via the email link on this blog .

Thanks, we look forward to seeing what God reveals to us through the study of His word.
Blessings and Shalom,
Kim (and Brandie)

p.s. I'd like to say to everyone that Kim wrote this up and I simply copy and pasted! So these wonderful words came from her mind, but I thought they were so perfect I simply couldn't say it any better!

Candles from France? Really?

2007-08-06T01:32:00.000-05:00

I don't know about TV where you live, but around these parts, Glade has a commercial out for their new fancy candles. The lady lights them, then pulls the wrapper off, and tries to convince her friends that they came from France.
Really - are we that trivial and so busy trying to keep up with the Jones's that we now have to lie about our candles. I mean really? Seriously.
I just can't wrap my head around this commercial. I do not understand why someone would have to lie about candles.
Can someone please explain this to me?

Homeschool Open House!

2007-08-05T16:41:00.001-05:00

I was reading Kelli's blog over at Living in Grace and saw she participating in an open house. It looked fun, so I read hers, and clicked on over to Less of Me ~ More of Him, read the info and decided to play along!

So welcome, everyone, to my Homeschool Open House!

What can I say about us.
I have 3 blessings - they are 1, 4, and 7. We are only formally homeschooling the oldest right now. This will technically be our third year, but our first year was very light! This year I have made a switch and we will be using the Ambleside Online plan for many of the subjects. I am excited to make this switch and hope we can use it effectively. The more I read about Charlotte Mason, the more I really do like her style of education!

We are also using Math-U-See and MCP Phonics. Although the CM guides say to wait on grammar, we are doing a bit of work with that as well!

We are very unstructured thought out our day. Some days we "school" in the morning, some in the afternoon, some in the evenings. I let my dd decide which work to do first and which to save for last. She enjoys having this input, although she knows if she puts it off and doesn't get her work done, then she loses that freedom and I will set the day's activities.
I will say however, that I think I will need to set more of a schedule up this year than for previous years especially with the added music, nature, art, Shakespeare and what not. I know we can't do ALL those things each day so I may assign each one it's own day or let her assign them at the start of the week! We'll see how it goes - which is how a lot of our systems are worked out. We just go with the flow and change it as needed.

This year will be interesting as we adjust to a new way of doing things. I admit, all the emphasis on nature is a bit scary to me. Although it sounds good in theory, I am not an out doorsy kind of person! It will stretch me to be out in nature with the kids SO much (especially with our Chicago winters! I will NOT willingly be out in the 30 degree temps stomping through snow!) Although I have no doubt I will look back on this year and be glad that I did it, I will need that extra push! Also, we're only a week into it, but I believe we can get through some of the reading much quicker than scheduled. I suppose it's because most kids are doing year 1 at 6 and she should probably be in year 2 or 3. So we may work through year 1 in less than 36 weeks and move onto year 2. However, my dd is loving what we have read so far and that is encouraging!

Also, I have yet to purchase any books. I got them all from the library for now! I could probably do that for the next 2 years, but I think (if we still like this curriculum in a month) we will simply purchase them. Some books last for a few years, one gets used for 6 years, and with 2 others coming up behind her, trying to request them all, and then adjust our year based on when they are available for check-out, well, I'd rather just buy them truthfully! I guess the beauty is that I only need to buy what I really want to own and that is nice!

Okay, I think that's enough rambling for now! Thanks for reading! =) And please, if you stop by, say hi so I know who you are =)

My Brain is Fried ...

2007-08-04T18:55:00.000-05:00

Today, the one day my dh was supposed to be home all day, of course, he got called into work. I was out for 90 minutes this am for the chiro appointment for my dd and myself. Then I came home, he was here for about an hour and back to work he went. I had 3 extra kids here, was feeling very stressed out and not ready to deal with all the kids by myself. I didn't have much of a choice though.

Bad news from the chiro - the MRI of my jaw showed that the joint is deteriorated far more than normal for my age. Lovely. That was just what I wanted to hear. Or not. So I'll have to have a copy sent over to my dentist and I'm going to bet he will send me to an oral surgeon. I don't know. I suppose I am way over thinking this. Maybe even though is more than normal for my age, it's not that bad. However, it means we need to get things in my mouth in working order because the stress of my jaw not moving correctly is most likely what is causing all the wear and tear in there. The chiro is positive she can help fix the tracking issue, but of course she can't fix the damage that is currently there. ::sigh:: As my dh said today, well at least now we know more clearly is going on in there. And that can't be a bad thing.

Anyway, the kids were quite overwhelming to me today. I know they weren't trying to be, but there was a lot of arguing and fights and this one is mad at this one and that one said something mean to this one, blah blah, blah. I tried to get them involved in activities that I thought would help, but most of my ideas didn't fly with them. Oh well. I tried. And now they are gone - and not two minutes after they left my oldest dd asked if someone else could come over and spend the night! I very calmly told her that tonight was not a good night for that, when I wanted to scream NO WAY!!!!! NO MORE CHILDREN CAN COME OVER! EVER AGAIN!

For the rest of tonight I am going to try to relax. Tomorrow I have quite a few things that I need to accomplish and I think just not doing anything tonight will go a long way to making me feel more human!

The Silver Lining ...

2007-08-03T17:38:00.000-05:00

My husband has hardly been at home this week. In fact, you might say our home has merely become a place for him to sleep. He's been busy with work. And although I am pleased he works so hard, frankly it completely and absolutely sucks. I have feeling like a single mom - because I NEED the help he gives me. I crave it. I crave time and space and a break, generally he provides me with these things. But my guess is home will mostly be a bed for him until Halloween - given all the changes at work, the fact that he will start another side job, and a whole list of other reasons. And I hate it.
I mean, I really hate it. I do not know how mothers who do not have husbands/significant others or wives who husbands travel for work often do it. I stand in awe of them and just amazed by what they can accomplish. I'm sure I could survive that lifestyle if I had to, but I'd probably barely survive. And some of you do it so wonderfully and make it look so effortlessly, I applaud you. Because, frankly I am ready to rip my hair out, kick my husband's @ss and send the kids all away to camp for a week.
I was telling my mother all of this yesterday and she said "Well, I think you need to just be grateful that at least you can be home. That is nice, especially for the kids." And I think she is right. I can't imagine how chaotic things would be if both dh and I had to juggle jobs, especially with how chaotic his happens to be. And I know that I should be glad I can stay home. But some days that is the issue. I stay home. And I want to get away. I want to walk a mall without a stroller. I want to sit at a restaurant and not try to entertain the kids. I want to grocery shop without little ones asking for more things than we need to buy. I just want a break. But really what I want is a husband who is home for more than 8 hours a day.
This sucks. It really sucks. And I miss my husband and my kids miss their dad. But unless we'd like to sell the house, stop eating and not wear clothes that fit, this is how it will be for a while. But it's tiring on me. And it wears me out and some days it feels too much to handle it all alone.
But I will try to hold my mom's words in my heart. At least I am home. And at least they have someone who they know will be home when they need a hug or to hear a story or a playmate or a lap to lay upon - even if that someone is crabby some days!

Crazy Day!

2007-08-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

Well, it wasn't supposed to be a crazy day, but it turned out to be one.
First of all, the chiropractor visit yesterday was just plain weird! I've never been adjusted before and never heard so many cracking noises from my body before like that. It was just - well, weird I guess! LOL! Although when she did my neck, it really bothered me. And then she did something to the muscles by my jaw and that hurt too (although she did warn that would be painful). She took my back x-rays and should have the film tomorrow.
My 4 year old did good, although about half way through she wanted to be done, but managed to hang in for the rest. She is going back tomorrow happily, but wants me to hold her hand this time. We are also doing a food journal for her for the next few days (and I was put under strict orders to NOT stray from what we normally eat to make it look better than it is. Don't worry, I haven't yet and really, don't have the time or brain power to fake it! LOL!) We are going to explore the possibility of food allergies at work in her system. She told me specifically looking at wheat, which would suck because we buy lots of whole wheat products now. I don't know what I would do if I had to avoid them for her. But if I have to, I will. I don't have any inkling that the allergy will be what it is, but figure it can't hurt to check it all out, kwim?

Anyway, today we went to visit granny and grandpa. It was a lovely visit. I even left with some nice rhubarb to make jam with from the neighbor! One dd went to an aunts house and the other two went to a friends house. I left for my MRI appointment. Got lost and showed up 15 minutes late. So, I lost my spot. Which stunk. Because I ended up finishing at 6:15 and if I had my spot, I would have been home with all the kids by 6:15!

So an MRI is not at all what I expected. First of all, I didn't know they were so freaking noisy! So incredibly loud. It really threw me off. And the space did seem small, but not that small. I was more afraid I would move and make something not work than I was of the small space actually. And I had to keep my jaw clenched, which hurt a lot and took up a lot concentration. For the end, I had to bite this HUGE thing so they could get a picture of the joint open and wow, did that hurt. Which means, my jaw was sore and I was crabby it was so late already. But I am glad to get it out of the way.

So, grab the two kids, grab McDonald's (it was 6:30 - we were an hour from being able to eat at home and I'm guessing that will look grand on M's food journal. But oh well, I won't lie. We get fast food about once a week. May not be the best, but we do and this is exactly what the doctor wanted - a true picture of our eating habits).
Then I go get the third child, make the drive home. Run in and grab clothes for Miss M who is going with my mom in the morning. Then my mom freaks out when I tell her to please keep track of what M eats and drinks. She promises to only give her "good" things so her food journal looks great. To which I explain to her that she should not go out of her way and to just feed her as normal. I don't think she will! I will be interested to see what she writes down. But then I finally make it back home where I can breath - and it was only 8:25. I hate days like today. Mostly because it stinks to run around that much. And even worse, most of it wasn't planned until about 3:00 this afternoon. PLUS, we were going to have tacos for dinner and assuming I wouldn't get home until just at dinner time, I had the meat all browned, ready to go. Tomorrow we have a party so I can't have my tacos until Saturday. Bummer.

But I'm home, the craziness of the day is over. And tomorrow I have to be nowhere until 3:00pm. I plan on doing nothing all morning (well, except things I want to do and would enjoy! LOL!)

Another school year ...

2007-08-01T01:32:00.000-05:00

was started in our house yesterday!
Yes, yes, I decided we needed to start now. Mostly because there are some things from last year we have not quite finished up. So to make up for that, we are starting early this year. And also because I am not opposed to the idea of schooling year round frankly and we may just go straight through until summer 2009! We'll see because ...

yesterday, my dd suddenly developed a stomachache. Which she needed to rest on the couch for, with the tv on of course. I told her if her stomach bothered her so much that she couldn't do some reading, well then, she needed to be in her room resting. Amazingly, her stomach began to feel better and she finished up what needed to be done (and frankly, we are not starting with all our subjects and the load is relatively light right now!). Today she begged to be done early to play with the neighbors and promised to do double work tomorrow with what she didn't finish today. I admit, I let her go play. Because, it wasn't going to be in front of the tv or computer screen. And I think playing is important. And because I only planned for 4 days of work this week, but she doesn't know that, so if we have to spread it out over 5, that's fine with me. And I do feel a bit guilty for her since the kids around here haven't started back at school. And I think if other kids are out and she is running around then school for the moment can wait. I have planned most of our weeks to be done completed in 4 days to allow for this flexibility.

Anyway, this year we sort of switched gears and are trying out the Charlotte Mason method of education. I'll admit, I am still reading up on it and so am not positive of how it will play out, but I remember reading about it when I first decided to homeschool and I remember being quite moved by a lot of what was said about it - using living books and not twaddle, not needing to dumb things down for kids (but obviously talking at levels they can understand), etc, etc. And a few weeks ago I came across Amblesideonline.org - which has lots of info. And I decided to follow their plan (of course, I am also in the process of reading several books for parents about this). We are beginning with year 1 and going from there. We'll see. So far I have gotten lots of interesting books from the library that are recommended. I will have to purchase most of them to continue the year smoothly, but I wanted to test it out first before making the monetary plunge! We'll see how it goes. Frankly, I'm guessing most kids my dd's age are onto year 2 right now, but I think it is wise for us to start at year 1 and make up sometime by starting early now and going through next summer. Because really, by the end of August next year I think we can be at elast 1/3rd into year 2 and maybe by the following fall be in year 4 - assuming of course, we stick with this for that long! We'll see ... so far I like the books and the ideas and the materials. But we'll see if any of that changes as I learn more and we get farther into it!

Maybe some good news?

2007-07-30T22:09:00.000-05:00

So today I went to a chiropractor. And it was just a "let's see what's going on with your body and tell you how we think we can help it" all for free sort of appointment. I also actually took my middle dd to see if they could help any ...

As for me ...
Well, I'm crossing my fingers that they can help. She is going to try to do something with the muscles in my jaw to help with the TMJ (which will hopefully help with the pain, the headaches and some of the sleep issues). They are also going to work on my back (I slipped a disc about 6 years ago and have had issues with it ever since).
The bad news is - she is thinking I might have some issues with my discs (as in they are degenerating too quickly for my age) OR she is concerned that there might be some arthritis going on with my back - and quite possibly my jaw.
Right now, I am slated to go in 3 times a week for a month. She said at that point, we'll know if what she is doing is helping or not. And if it's helping, that's good!
She has also ordered x-rays of my back and an MRI of my jaw. She wants to really get a good look at those joints (and it's actually nice because the oral surgeon also suggested an MRI of my jaw so I can get copies sent out to them!)
Anyway, my grandpa had awful arthritis. And had lots of joints replaced. And I'm really kind of scared they are going to find out I have it too.
Hopefully, it's just some muscle issues or whatever that can be solved with some good treatments and then I can have a while of pain-free living (because once the symptoms are under control she told me I would stop going to see her and not have to return unless/until symptoms came back.
I will say I was encouraged to hear her say that after a month or two, I shouldn't have to return because a)it wouldn't help anyway or b) the symptoms should be under control enough that I don't need to see them anymore! Frankly, I'm not in a mood to have to see the chiropractor every single week for the next 5 years or something like that!

As far as my dd -
Great news. She tested her muscle strength and although she said her muscles were slightly floppy, they were completely in the range of normal! YEAH! This is the first exam she has gotten and not been flagged for low muscle tone. She even said her arms and legs were extremely strong for her age, and the slight weakness is in the trunk area. One thing I can mark off my list of concerns for Little Miss M!
Also, they will do some adjustments on her to help with her chronic constipation issues. I have heard from one (and only one) person recently that chiropractic care helped her with these issues and thought, what is the harm in trying it out? Again, M is slated to go in 3 times a week for 4 weeks (so basically we are booking all our appointments together). She told me too, that within that month there will be a huge difference or not, and either way, none to minimal care should be needed after that first month. I would love if we could get M off the daily laxative. Or even if we could just start to lower her dose. Because I hate having to give her a daily medicine and I am worried about her becoming too dependent upon it every day.

Anyway, I will be seeing a lot of this doctor over the next 4 weeks! And I will be relying on a lot of people to help watch the other two children while M and I get some adjustments.

I am praying that this will help the both of us. And that the problems are really just simple and quick to fix!

Nice day to go shopping ...

2007-07-30T16:54:00.000-05:00

Today I went shopping.
I took all three kids and one of my sisters.
And we grabbed lots of clothes to try on. We ended up bringing home

For me - 2 jeans and 2 sweaters (one which is angora and to die for!)
For my oldest - 3 jeans, 2 corduroy's, 1 skirt, 3 shirts, 2 warm-up pants
For my middle - 1 jean, 1 pair like sweat pants, 4 shirts, 2 dresses
For my sister - 2 shirts

And we also brought home 2 pairs of jeans that were too small for anyone and somehow ended up in our pile. Not sure how that happened but I think I put back 2 pairs that would have fit my middle dd and kept these ones when it should have been the opposite. Oh well.

They had nothing for my son, which was kind of sad.

Anyway, I brought home 29 articles of clothing and one book.
This was very exciting to me because I spent a grand total of ::::drum roll:::: 87.48. Now, that means I paid less than 3 dollars per item.

That means in terms of winter
I need only dressy holiday clothes
My oldest needs - 1 or 2 more jeans, some warmer dress-up clothes, a Christmas dress and some jammies
My middle child needs - nothing I think (because in addition to what we bought today she should have lots of clothes that are hand me downs from number 1)
Youngest needs - well, he still needs an entire winter wardrobe. But his clothes aren't that expensive yet so that will be an easy order to fill.

And we will be done for winter-time (unless they all go through growth spurts around February, which knowing my children will probably happen). I am guessing about 200 more dollars in clothes for winter-time (but hopefully I can keep it less than that). I don't think spending 300 dollars for a 6 month period for 4 people is that bad. I think it's pretty thrifty of me frankly and am pretty proud of all the deals I got today.

And yes, I did shop at the local Goodwill. I also had a 15% off coupon and another 5% off that. According to my receipt, I saved 28.00 with those discounts today. Not too shabby if I do say so myself!

My next major spending spree will be on curriculum items for the school year and I hope that I can get such good deals when I buy those items as well! =)

Contests ..

2007-07-28T13:01:00.000-05:00

Well there is a large amount of contests going on around the internet these days.
And really, I like contests ... so here are a few

Own a laptop? Want to carry it around in a stylish and yet, earth-friendly bag ... well then this contest is for you: Blog about your Blog is hosting another great contest where you can win a 180$ laptop briefcase from Eco-Handbags. Eco Handbags produce eco-friendly handbags, because they are all made from recycled products.
So if you have to, you may also enter, but really, if you don't, well that's okay! Just means it's more likely for me to win LOL!

Another great contest is going on over at 5 minutes for mom ... they are giving away an an Insignia® 37″ Flat-Panel LCD HDTV!!! This incredible prize is valued at $799.99 and is courtesy of Best Buy. Wow! Seriously, really, we want to put something like this in our basement. So, if I win, well, I already know where it is going! But, if you also have a place in mind to put it, click here and put your name in the running as well!

If I come across any more great contests I'll give you a heads up!

Found two more ...

One is for 2500 of cash. Really, who among us could not find a way to use an extra 2500? I have a million and one ideas for it! LOL!
Over at Ashwin’s blog, you will find one crazy blog owner!! You can win $2500!! To enter just copy this text and paste it in your blog!! But hurry, this competition will not last long! So get posting!
Edited to add: Apparently this contest was a complete fake. I suppose that saying if it's too good to be true, it's probably not holds true here.

If you are a fan of Gymboree, then this contest is for you! Over at Love Shak, Baby they are giving away 250 to two readers. The contest is here.

So really, go enter all of these! And if you win, think about sharing with me LOL! Just teasing ;-)

This week ...

2007-07-27T23:56:00.000-05:00

has been absolutely fabulous.
Seriously. It has just been grand. Have things been perfect? Nope. Not at all. Far from it actually. There have been some ups and downs - but I had quite a few lightbulb moments this week, I made contact with an old friend, I made a couple of new friends, I was very productive almost every day this week and accomplished a lot, I have renewed excitement for my store, and I have fallen in love with my family all over again!
Really, it's been a truly fabulous week!
I love weeks like this one - when even through all the imperfections of it all, there is a silver lining to be found. That is something truly grand!

Post and ye shall receive ..

2007-07-27T13:08:00.000-05:00

Well, not really, but it almost feels like that.
After posting yesterday (and spending several hours trying to locate the Heather I was searching for, somehow, I ended up finding her parents phone number through yellowpages.com. Fortunately for me they live at the same place they lived way back when, so I knew I was actually getting their number. If anyone could give me her number, it would be her parents, right?

So today, with shaking hands (literally) I dialed the number and politely asked to speak to one of them. Then I think it all came out in a rush "My name is XX XXX and I don't know if you remember me but we went to church together several years ago and your dd Heather has been on my mind and I'm trying to track her down. ::Big breathe:::
Fortunately, all of this did NOT scare them off. And her mom actually remembered me! She said they had spoken of me since I fell out of touch with Heather and she gave me her new number and a brief synopsis of the last 5ish years of her life! Then I talked to the mom about me for a few minutes. And called Heather!

Wow. Is all I can say. We chatted only briefly today (because I was calling her cell and she wasn't home) but we have plans to talk much deeper over the weekend. She is a mom now! (She was engaged last we talked) and her a little boy! She said thought of my often when she was pregnant and when her son was first born. First of all, I can't believe it was this easy to find her since yesterday I felt I hit a brick wall. Second, I am so excited she ever remembered me! But third, that she has actually thought about me the last few years? Wow. Blows me away completely. I can not wait to talk to her on Sunday. I can not wait to catch up and learn more. And hopefully this time, I won't fall out of touch (because that is what happened. I fell out of touch with her).

On my mind ...

2007-07-26T23:59:00.000-05:00

Someone I knew when I was in high school and college is on my mind lately.
I want to get in contact with her, but I don't have a number! I know she was married, but I do not know her married name.
I have a first name and a last name. It's Heather Thomas. Guess how many Heather Thomas's are in this world? Yeah. Lots. Very common name combo there.
I want to bang my head against a wall. I was hoping so much she would be easy to track down - through classmates.com or reunion.com. But nope. And I checked the high school alumni page, not there either.
I'm so bummed.

Anyway, Heather Thomas who graduated from STC, if you are out there and happen to be reading this, I'm thinking of you!!

Although, I doubt it. Who knows, maybe someone will know someone who knows her ....

Hmmm ...

2007-07-25T01:13:00.000-05:00

Well, I might have the ability to babysit for someone full time. I'm feeling very torn about it.
First, it would be a blessing on our budget - if I funneled the money just into the kids extra activities, that would be SO helpful on our pocketbook. I think it would work out - she's a 4 year old we've met before and her and my 4 year old hit it off really well in the past. Plus I would be helping another mom out, and that would feel super nice! She starts kindergarten next year, so I'm almost 100% positive that the gig wouldn't last more than one year - which is nice because I don't have to think about if I'll want to do it in 2 years, kwim?

However, I'm pretty sure it would be Mon-Fri 8-6. And well, sometimes I get into issues with getting doctor's appointments for me because I can't find someone to take my kids during the day - what would I do with another child here? Switch to places that do work on weekends and evenings? Do I really want to switch my doctors? Honestly - nope!
Second, will I leave the house less if I have four kids underfoot? I would like to say no because, well, she is 4 afterall! I won't need diapers or strollers or bottles or anything like that for her, but yet, I might stay home just because, kwim? And I don't want to do that!

Anyway, I'm really thinking and praying about doing this. I have been telling dh if I could babysit to pick up money I'd consider it, but now that an offer is on the table, well, I'm sort of scared! Not to mention, I had high hopes in my etsy store, but seeing as that isn't taking off so well - maybe I do need to really do this and have another child around here!

Hmmm ... decisions, decisions!

Very productive day ...

2007-07-23T13:51:00.001-05:00

I'm not usually a productive person, especially this early in the week! Usually I am productive towards the end of the week as I rush around trying to finish all that I need to by the weekend! Not only have I been productive today, but I haven't just done the things that needed to be done! Woo-hoo!

So far today I:
planned the menu
did the shopping for the week
returned the books due to the library and picked up my holds
Folded and put away 2 loads of laundry
Gathered all the dirty laundry, sorted it and run a load and a half
diced and smashed 4 pounds of strawberries (only 6 more pounds to go!)
made one batch of strawberry jam
did some knitting
run the dishwasher
cleaned all the sand off the deck from our big mess this weekend LOL!

I know that may not seem like lots to a lot of other people, but seriously, for me, to be this productive so early in the week is amazing! And I am still plugging along the list. The kids are being so good and either helping me or entertaining themselves. Very nice =)

Just an FYI ....

2007-07-23T08:59:00.000-05:00

Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer is hosting the Dog Days of Summer Bloggy Giveaway.

There will be lots and lots of giveaways over there - over 100 listed already! So go check it out and see if there is anything you would like to win.
I am not participating on this blog, however hop, on over to my other blog for a chance to win a really cute apron!

Life and other ramblings ....

2007-07-21T23:18:00.001-05:00

Life is always interesting isn't it? I've spent most of last week and the week before it, frankly feeling like crap. Feeling mad, sad, hurt, angry, upset, worried, panicked, etc, etc ... life has been a whole lot of not nice feelings.
And then, just the other day I mentioned to you, my dear readers, that I managed to shake it off ... and let me just tell - what a difference a few days makes!

Because 1) although financially things suck at my dh's main source of employment, his side business had the two most phenomenal weeks ever during July (this weekend is back to normal, but that's okay!) which is just awesome. And someone has a lead on some super part time work that pays incredibly well that dh can pick up in the winter if we need him to. Now, I hate to think h has to work all these jobs, but his side business ends in November, so if he only worked 4-6 hours part time for this other place, he'd be putting in less hours than he does in the summer, so although you might think my dh never sleeps because I make him work all these jobs, it's not like that - which is nice!

2) While waiting in line yesterday at the book store to get my wristband to come back later at night to get my Harry Potter book, the woman 2 behind me was talking about her son with Asperger's syndrome and some book she was buying that helped to teach social skills. Now, lack of social skills is the one thing my 4 year old struggles with the most right now. As a matter of fact, we are currently trying to teach her to look at the person she is talking to because she doesn't understand that eye contact is something people usually do when talking. So, I heard her mentioned this, apologized for interrupting, but asked if I could get the name of that book. She gave me the paper she had on it - very kind - and we started talking a bit. She is an aid for children who have disabilities and gave me some places to call to try to get M involved with other kids. She also told me about a place she goes to near us that has actual social therapy. Now, okay, I admit it, if someone told me 5 years ago their child was in social therapy I would have had to bit my lip to keep from laughing. Even I can see how it sounds kind of funny! But for someone like my M, who doesn't understand how to interact with others (who also tells me she has no friends) this could in fact be a huge answer to prayer! The woman told me they start one on one with the therapist, and then they will pair up two kids to get them to learn how to talk to each other, and then they will get together in groups of kids and all that stuff. Which would be fabulous! I'm trying to explain that she has to say hi to people if she wants them to play with her. That she has nicely ask someone for their name if she wants to know what it is. That she has to make eye contact with people when they talk. But my explanations are not getting to her. So, I will be definitely buying the book (which is called The Hidden Curriculum: Practical Solutions for Understanding Unstated Rules in Social Situations in case you were curious). Eh, I don't think we will sign up for therapy now, but I know if she continues to struggle we have another place to turn. And even more fun, the kind woman gave me her name and number if I ever wanted more info or anything like that.
Seriously, all that because of Harry Potter folks! It's true.

c) I was just complaining to my husband yesterday we need a second fridge/freezer for our house. I know, you'd think one would be enough. However, we left a house with 1 fridge/freezer 2 just fridges and 1 just freezer. We had lots of room for lots of things. Here we have what I consider a small fridge/freezer combo. We drink lots of milk in this family. Ideally I could buy 4 gallons each week. But I really only have room for 2 in my fridge. Which means dh stops to pick up milk a lot on his way home. And the freezer, I could always use more freezer room! But, the whole tight on money thing and all that, well, really, it's a pipe dream for us.
Today the doorbell rang and their stood our neighbor. He told us was getting rid of one of those mini-fridges and would we want it otherwise they will toss it out with the garbage. Sure! Dh and I replied. Still won't solve the milk problem but it would be perfect to hold a few cans of pop and the kid's juice and give me more shelf space (our fridge is always cramped on space for real!) So we walked over to get it. I stayed and chatted and noticed a real fridge/freezer in their garage. I innocently asked what they planned to do with it (they are going to sell their house soon) and she said they were going to offer to sell it to whoever buys their house. Really? Sell it? Hmm ... how much would you ask I asked. She thought and said she didn't know, maybe 50 dollars? Holy cow! That's nothing really if you think about it. I called dh back. He said he'd look at our garage to see where we could fit it in and get back to them. They said it would stay in their garage until they moved probably and to take our time.
I am determined to see that fridge set up in my garage! I am determined that it is an answered prayer request on my part.

And I wonder, with those three very nice things that just happened - would it have happened if I was in my grumpy bad mood? Well, okay, dh's side business would have been fine because it really runs without me. But would my friend have come over and told me about this other part-time work if she thought I was too crabby to be around? Would the lady at B&N yesterday have spoken to me in line if I stood there with a scowl on my face. Furthermore, if I was still doing my whole "woe-is-me-life-sucks" inner thoughts, would I have even over-heard her conversation? Probably not. And if I had, would I have been too involved to think to ask her about it? And even if I had done all that, would she have seen a very unhappy person and chatted more than necessary with me? And what about the neighbors? I could have easily said, I don't know, ask my dh, got him, walked away and never gone outside to chit-chat with them. Which if they knocked a few days ago, I probably would have done that. And dh wouldn't have asked about the fridge.

So, really, mood does affect us in so many ways! I am so glad I was able to shake off all the crap from the last week and a half. And enjoy life when it's not perfect. Because, really, it will never be perfect. But it can be really good if I can just sit back and remember to enjoy it!

Just in case ...

2007-07-21T18:34:00.000-05:00

you didn't already know how much of a dork I was, I just want everyone to know that I finished the last and final book of the Harry Potter series today.
What to say about it? Oh, so much to say .... but I won't say it just in case someone is taking their time to read it and enjoy it. I, personally, needed to see how it ended asap and so I did LOL!
Anyway, if you've followed the series and liked them (or maybe even didn't like them but you already read the first 6) read it. You should! And if you do read it, let me know what you thought!

Blogger Issues?

2007-07-20T10:42:00.000-05:00

Is blogger resetting everyone's blogs?
I signed on to my bloglines account today and almost everyone has 15-30 new posts ... ummm, I'm thinking some weird cosmic thing did not happen last night that moved everyone to post that many new things!
Maybe my bloglines account is going crazy?

Hmmm ... but yeah, I'm betting I don't really have 500+ posts to read as bloglines is saying!

Another Late Night ...

2007-07-20T02:11:00.000-05:00

Not that a late night should be surprising, but I'm kind of ready to be done with all this not being able to fall asleep crap. There are so many good things happening around here - which I did begin to notice after having a nice conversation with myself that was something along the lines of "snap out of it! So dh isn't getting his raise? Life goes on. The sun still rises. You have your family and love and friends and good things. So, adjust the budget, be done with it and enjoy life!" Which is exactly what I needed to tell myself. And no, it could not have come from anyone else. It had to come from me.
It also helped that my oldest is at a sleep over and dh took the other two out of the house for an hour today so I had time for ME! What a nice surprise from him. As dh said we will weather this storm. The sun will shine and then another storm will come. And that's okay because it's how life goes. And he's right. So I'm think I'm out of my funk ... YEAH! And nothing can bring me back down now.

Tomorrow night I will get my hands on the last Harry Potter book. I could not be more excited. Tonight I worked on my oldest costume for the party we are going to - it is only about 80% done. Which I promised myself I would do a little each day to avoid last minute finishes, but alas, I did most of the work tonight from about 8pm to 2am and will have to put in about, oh, I'm guessing an hour tomorrow maybe? But I hope she will like it. I just want to get the book and start reading LOL! If not for her, I'd show up at the store at 11:45 pm and then wait for my turn to buy it. My sis is going with me as well, and we are going to race to finish the book. Probably she will since she won't have, you know, three kids and a husband who would not like her to hide with the book all day on Saturday just because she wants to, but I plan on at least keeping the competition close.

A friend came over today and allowed me to get a little baby fix. Which was so nice to hold a teeny thing in my arms (he turned 3 weeks today). Awww ... I miss those newborn days. But it was nice to hold him and rock him a bit. He even kindly fell asleep in my arms. So sweet and so wonderful. I really do like little babies a lot. Probably if I were in charge of how many kids we had without any input from dh, well, I'd have a lot by now just to keep a fresh supply of babies around!

Okay, enough rambling from me for this evening. I'm off to attempt to sleep as tomorrow will be a very busy day ... I have a lot I need to squeeze into it!

Bad day around here ...

2007-07-18T23:34:00.001-05:00

I really have nothing else to say about the day.
It just sucked. I wish I could start it over and do it all again very differently.
Oh well, tomorrow has to be better because I don't think I could feel much worse right now ....

When Will I Learn?

2007-07-17T14:28:00.000-05:00

There is a debate - how much do you share with the on-line community? A lot? A little? Just enough to get by or is your life an open book.
I tend to lean towards the open book side of things. Which is not wise for someone like me, someone who can easily get hurt by words. Because it stands to reason that when you share a lot, you tend to get more feedback and it's not always nice and friendly. And once again, I set myself up. I opened my big mouth and didn't like what I heard in response. As a matter of fact, it actually left me shaking. And left me frustrated. And yet, I can see where the person is coming from. I get why they were asking. Because they only know what they read and hey, it's probably not that far-fetched of an idea and I'm betting other people were wondering the same thing but didn't have the guts to say it. And I'm not mad at the person who said anything ... for those of you wondering it was basically asked but not in these words, if I was making up the medical issues, specifically of my 4 year old ... I'm really not. It seems like a lot and frankly, I talk about it way more on-line than IRL so it probably feels like I am obssessed with it (which I am a bit because it's my dd and I want to help her) but it really isn't in my every thought every day. And I'm not dragging her to the doctors once a week. Maybe once every 3 months (assuming no colds come up to visit the regular doc) so it's not that much, but it does dominate my on-line talking.
And so I am mad. But I'm mad at myself for setting myself up for the comments. Because truthfully I do bring it up a lot. And I probably don't need to. I need to learn that "think before you type" lesson. And I'm mad at I don't know, I suppose, God that my dd does have to go to the doctor more often than others. And that she does have more doctors than most adults I know (a reg ped, a podiatrist, a gasrto, and a neurologist and she sees each at least yearly). Probably that's not the best approach to take. But it's the truth. But I'm also mad at myself because I wonder what did I do to make this happen ... did I eat something bad when I was pregnant? Or not rest enough? Or not take my vitamins enough? Or how about the time I feel twice in one night when I was pregnant? The doctor assured me I couldn't hurt the baby, but I was about 37 weeks and what if I did? What if that fall jarred her brain and did something? I know, it probably seems silly. And then I look at my oldest who had lots of respiratory issues until she was about 3/4ish. And I look at my second who has on-going issues, and I look at my third and I see that he has asthma and my bet is at this point someday someone will tell me he has AD/HD. And I remember something someone told me - not about me - but she said that some people's dna was not meant to get together and so it can cause a lot of medical issues (from needing help with conception and/or a family where several children are born with serious medical issues). And I wonder to myself - was my dna flawed? Did my flawed DNA cause my children to have these issues? And isn't that silly? As if I am so important that it was MY dna that did it! How completely self-centered is that thinking? And frankly, it's a waste of time because I can't go back and fix it, even if I could pin-point what caused it.
All I know is that I don't care if someone disagrees with me politically, or about the healthiest way to eat or other issues.
But it hurts a lot when someone questions my parenting and furthermore accuses me of lying about my kids. Trust me. I wouldn't lie about this. But in the future you can rest assured that I won't be such an open book about it. I won't set myself up like that again.

One last note, despite everything, I don't think I could love my children anymore! They have taught me more than I have ever taught them. They have caused me to grow and change is so many wonderful ways. They have challenged me - Well, I should say some of the issues that have come up as a mom have challenged me, have challenged the way I think. I've become more honest and more flexible and less anal about life in general. And I can not thank my children enough for the wonderful gifts they have given me. And I wouldn't trade them for the world.

Can someone please explain this to me ...

2007-07-16T14:56:00.000-05:00

My insurance company covers an annual PAP test (I know, the really fun one we women can't wait to have @@) BUT they won't cover the office visit to get it. So they are covering the actual test but the rest they are not.
Now, not a big deal for dh and I, but what I'm wondering is people who are already super tight on money, how many women won't go in for their pap exam because let me tell you, the actual test was 50.00 and the rest of the office visit will cost us 130.00 bucks. I'd rather pay for the test and have my insurance cover the visit people! Not only that, but my insurance does not cover ANY well-visit/health checks if you are over 16. That means if I went in for a physical exam right now, they wouldn't cover it. How does that make sense? Wouldn't it be cheaper for them in the long run to encourage yearly (or every 1-3 year) physical exams so that hopefully we could find problems when they were small and not wait until they are large?
It ticks me off and really I think the smarter route to go would be preventative medicine and not trying to fix things after they are broken. I'm not saying I expect a full body scan every 6 months, but it would be nice to know that every 2 years I could go into my doctor, have a normal physical, make sure everything is okay and go about my day and that my insurance company supports that!

Although, I haven't exactly liked our policy for a while (in terms of my dd's therapy, the dental part is almost non-existent, etc, etc). They do not sell the policy we have - and she told me today they haven't sold it for a few years. So maybe soon they will make my dh's company pick a different plan. And all I can pray for is that when that happens, we end up with a better plan and not something that covers even less.

p.s. my results from my pap came back perfectly normal. Not that we expected anything to show up, but it was nice to know that it was normal!

My Personal DNA ...

2007-07-15T21:34:00.000-05:00

I've seen this around a few blogs and have decided to play along

Interesting, huh?

On books ...

2007-07-15T12:28:00.000-05:00

I came across this list today: 1001 books you must read before you die

I have read 23 books on the list. Which puts me at about 2% of the list! LOL!

How many have you read?
I think I might start pulling some books off of this list to read =)

Life ...

2007-07-15T01:06:00.000-05:00

No matter how hard I try to stop it, life continues to roll by. And with it comes good and bad.
On Thursday and Friday my 16 year old sister spent the night. Which I think I've said before, but I LOVE that she wants to spend time with me and willingly comes over! She's not forced to come, she doesn't have to come, but she does. And that rocks! She told me while she was here that she loved me and she loved my kiddos and maybe someday she might even love my husband. I think that's pretty cool honestly!
Also a cousin of mine who is my oldest dd's age was over those two nights as well. They all played (mostly) pretty well together! I hope she had fun here and I know my girls enjoyed her being around as well. This is our first sleep over with her but I have a strong feeling it will not be our last.

Dh had another meeting at work about how they won't be doing any reviews/raises right now. He said it was tense and not pleasant. And although you would think a min. wage increase in our state would be a good thing, for my dh's company it is not. It has already had some pretty bad outcomes ( a-they raised their rates to accommodate the higher salaries b-they lost costumers because the states around us have a lower min wage so companies across the border can do the work for less and c- there will be no merit-based raises this time around because his company is mostly made up of temporary workers making min. wage. So this increase will affect his company a lot.) Anyway, I know that sounds cruel because lots of people fight to increase minimum wage, but it's not as simple as it sounds. We already had a higher min. wage then the states around us. Now the gap is just larger. It has been theorized (of course by those who tried to fight this increase) that our state will probably lose jobs as some companies will opt to move to a lower wage state - afterall, they need to make a profit - and that in the long run this will backfire and make things harder for a lot of people. Time will tell what will happen in 6 months. Last min wage increase, dh's company was able to absorb the pay increase within 6 months I think. However, this year, income was already down for them (as in way down - dh wouldn't get a raise right now even without the min. wage thing) so I'm nervous about how this might all pan out. I have already expressed to dh that I believe he should start looking to see if another job might be out there currently ....

Anyway, the point is, things will be ultra-tight for probably a year more now. I know we will survive it, and thankfully we will not go without home, food, clothes (and in that regard we are so lucky and I am so grateful I will not have to worry about if I can feed my children each day). But still, when you are used to the extras, it will be hard to not have them anymore - like cable, when you are not voluntarily giving them up! And yes, I do sound like a spoiled brat. I don't mean to though.

On to happier notes: Harry Potter comes out in one week. I am very anxious to get the book! My 7 year old is very anxious to get the book (despite the fact she won't be allowed to read it and hasn't even been allowed to read the first book yet! LOL!) My 16 year old sister is going with me to get the book, along with dd. Next Friday should be a fun evening indeed. I am curious to see how it all ends. My sis told me she thought she could finish the book before me ... we'll see. The race is on LOL!! I told her as long as we were both reading all day Saturday, at least we knew when we were done we could call each other and discuss whether it was good or not!

And now I've rambled on about things I never even intended to talk about tonight. I really had at least two other topics I wanted to tackle ... maybe tomorrow I can hit one of them.

How I taught my son his first swear word!

2007-07-11T14:26:00.000-05:00

Yes, I did. Last night as a matter of fact. It went sort of like this:
Dh: "I have some bad news."
me: huh, what?
Dh: They told me today at work that they are cancelling all reviews for this period, giving no raises, and pushing reviews to December
me: fuck. you're kidding?
little man: "ck! ck! ck! ck! ck!"
dh: rambling on about how he already spent one day preparing the review for his department (since he is the manager) and why couldn't they tell him before he had already put in all the work since he's swamped already as it is and that day couldhave been used for other things
Me: no baby! stop it!
little man: :::getting louder:::: ck! ck! ck!
Me: oh yes, YUCK! YUCK! Mommy said yuck! Yuck that daddy isn't getting a raise!
dh: now talking about how one person already told him if he didn't get a raise this review period he would be quitting so he was betting he would leave once he knew there would be no reviews happening period, let alone any rasies
Little man: ck! ck! ck!
Me: oh great. Our son is trying to say the f word because I let it slip when we first started talking. You are welcome, in addition to you not getting a raise - which we so desperetaly need and you getting to be the awful manager who tells his guys that they can't have a raise either, now you can also tell them your wife is teaching your son to swear @@
DH: Oh, that's right, it means I don't get a raise either. Shoot.
Me: and probably if htey are pushing back reviews it means they money is tied up and they can't give any rasies, so if we are lucky you'll get like a 2000 raise come December. Oh. Joy.
little man: CK! CK! CK! CK!
Me: yes, yuck. It's just yucky all around ...

I guess I should just be thankful all he repeated was the ck sound, but still. Way to be mom of the hour me!

Misc. Ramblings ...

2007-07-11T12:23:00.000-05:00

Smoov said
"And it really pisses me off when strong, ambitious women are seen as something bad or odd or whatever. Not that you said that, but this train of thought just led me there."

It is sad that it does go that way. I wish I were seen as strong and ambitious though! I am not seen that way, nor do I feel that way! Most days I feel like I'm fighting a really strong current to get back to the beach while wondering if someone will throw me a life preserver to make it a bit easier (as in, come watch my kids so I can clean! or come do my laundry for me! or would you call and offer to come over for dinner because you are going to pick up a scrumptious meal for us from Olive Garden!). I'm probably more viewed as the timid, girly female who need a man to take care of her or else. Not that I am that bad, but I do rely on my dh for a lot and my dad still does quite a bit to help us out and to take care of his "little girl." I like the help, I like knowing there are people who will help out in a clutch and love me and take care of me, but sometimes I wonder if they do it because they want to or if they do it because they think I need them to, kwim? Anyway, I know I am competent, I just might need a few trials to accomplish things and am not helpless because of it!

In other news, while cleaning yesterday, I decided to make the shelving unit in my living room actually look nice! Yeah, the shelves without books and movies had things on them, but mostly things that were thrown up with no thought to placement or anything like that. So I moved things, brought more things in, arranged things, etc. Still not perfect, but I like it a LOT more than what it was before. I also had more to work with since my mom brought me over roughly 6 Longaberger baskets that she doesn't want anymore. What! Not want them! I just don't understand them! I love baskets. I really love the longaberger baskets- with their fabric linings and plastic linings they look lovely and can hold things very easily. Okay, so three of them are being displayed empty at the moment, but two have turned into yarn holding baskets! And one is in the basement hiding while I make a spot for it!

After working upstairs and liking what was going on, I went into my sewing room. And I looked around and realized I do not like it. I need to reorganize it and make it look better and I need to score more counter space. Unfortunately, I really think that I will have to move things out of the room to get the look I want. And I don't think I have anywhere else to put things at the moment. But now I can't work in there without thinking about how to rearrange it all!

Also, I've done a bit of reading lately, but 2 I want to pass along: The Knock at the Door and 19 Minutes. Knock is a non-fiction book and 19 is a fiction book. Both moved me a lot and where the kind that I didn't want to put to down! Oh, almost forgot another one who made me feel that way - The Friday Night Knitting Club. Despite it's title, I do believe you will love it even if you do not knit!

I have been to Goodwill twice now to shop. Once we went for just the kids. This week when we went I just peeked at the woman's clothes. Low and behold, I found 3 tops that I wanted to buy, and they fit and I bought them. This is terrible, but it took a lot for me to do that. It kind of makes me feel, I don't know, as I told dh I felt like I was back in high school and in my mind I was thinking "please don't let anyone I know see me here!" I am a bit ashamed to admit that - but it's true. Hard to argue with the prices though - we got: 3 tops for me; 1 short, 1 pant, one skirt, 1 sweater, 1 boardgame, and 1 tie for my oldest; 1 skort, 1 hoodie, 2 books for my middle (didn't find anything for the little man) and it came to 37.00. Which means I paid approximately 2.85 per item. Not bad when usually 37.00 might buy a shirt and a half. Also, the sweater/skirt/tie for my oldest are part of our attempt to turn her into Hermoine Granger for a party on Sunday and also for when the new book comes out. They aren't exact matches to the character, but she's 7 and I'm not spending 50 dollars to get an authentic sweater for her!
Anyway, my rambling in all of this is to say that I'm really trying to cut our spending without taking away all of our extras. I don't want the kids to think they can't have a few new clothes every so often (and yes, I know they don't need them although I tried to get a few fall/winter things which they will need soon enough) because the budget is tight. Fortunately they have no preconceived notions of shopping at Goodwill and they think it's like going on a treasure hunt there! They told me, there is always something different here mom! Who knows what we'll find today. Funnily enough, we were able to find a few things we donated there LOL! Which I was a bit amused by! Anyway, dh told me he is proud of me for shopping there (although I'm sure proud is too strong of a word) and that he might go with us next time to see what is in the mens section. Afterall, if the kids and I have to adjust clothing spending, I think it's only fair that he should as well - not that he spends much on clothes but he always needs new pants for work!

Anyway, that's a pretty good amount of rambling for now!

2007-07-10T19:05:00.000-05:00

Blogger isn't allowing me to put a title in here ... strange ... but anyway,

Tomorrow company is coming over. At this point it might be 3 people, but none-the-less, I am being a busy bee cleaning - which actually, thanks to a dh who is outside with all the children, I am cleaning uninterrupted and getting a lot done! This is nice. I'm used to vaccuming little bits of the carpet with the dust buster, and dusting one piece of furniture at a time. So, not only am I cleaning, but I am really deep cleaning. I've needed to do this for a while right now. People, I cleaned the baseboards and the chair rail so far! Amazing really!

Aside from that, I have two costumes to make by Sunday, reorganizing the basement, spend most of Thursday outside of the house, finish laundry and make sure the house actually stays clean all day tomorrow. Again, I am feeling quite swamped truth be told. Another busy week here - although lately they have all been busy. I suppose I should stop calling them busy and say they are typically over-filled LOL! I still dream of getting rid of the kids for a week to get more done and take some time to just unwind and do a whole lot of nothing! Dh joked we should fly his mom out here and let her take the kids out each day, but I'm sure the vacation time for her is gone, otherwise I'd be on the phone with her right now planning it all.

Anyway, I should get back to cleaning before they all rush into the house!

Hello ....

2007-07-09T22:21:00.000-05:00

my name is Brandie and I am judgmental. Actually I am extremely judgmental.
The problem is, the person I am most judgmental about - is me! Oh, I admit I used to be judgmental about people - you gave your child how much juice to drink? ::gasp:: You wasted your money on that! You are NOT going to college! Eh, I'm still a little judgmental towards other people, but like when I see a small child not in a car seat or I hear parents being mean to their children. Most of the little things don't bother me anymore, and frankly as long as your kid is safe and healthy and you are safe and healthy, I'm not that concerned about what you do (or don't do).
I think most of my judgementalism (I know, that's not even a word) left me about 4-5 years ago when I really got to know a wide variety of mothers through the internet. I learned pretty quickly that although we may do a lot of things differently, most of us are truly doing what we think is best for our kids and our family. That was a nice point to reach truly. It kind of allowed me to let my guard down a bit.
Although I am still (not so secretly) paranoid about people who are judging me. And I am certainly judging myself. I hold myself to extremely high standards. My dh likes to say that my standards are too high and part of why I feel so unsure of myself as a wife and as a mother and as a person is that I am a failure in my own eyes because even if I was the most perfect person, I'd never reach my standards.
I like to tell him that my standards are absolutely fine and he should be happy I have standards that I try to reach! HA! Try to argue with that my darling husband! Except, sometimes I feel like I suck so bad, I might as well give up. Or I start to think that my kids would be better off if I weren't in the picture. Oh, I will never quit being their mom. And I will never leave them thinking dh would just marry someone better for them. But sometimes I think my dh might have a point. And sometimes I go to therapy and talk about this with my therapist and he says the same thing dh says even though I don't let him know dh has already said it to me!
And I wonder can a person have standards that are too high? How do you know what is good and what is too high? I don't want to aim too low here. And do I even need to impose standards on myself, or should I let it all go and just be the mom without thinking about it? And can people really do that? And how do they do that? And I don't know how to just let it all go! That's impossible! And thinking that is terrible and then I start to create all these standards I must live up to. ...
See how this is a big circle I feel like I am stuck in. Like a little hamster running around a wheel in some cage. Except I build the wheel and I built the cage. And I don't know how to get off of it. And maybe it isn't exactly working well, but it's something I know already and I'm comfortable there. And if I leave the confines of the cage, well there is a big scary world out there! I don't know if I'm ready to face that ....

I know I am probably just babbling a lot tonight. I apologize. I'm just getting those thoughts out of my head. Really. Not having any point other than trying to get it all out and hope that something that comes out clicks and makes sense in this head of mine!

Dreams and dreams ...

2007-07-08T22:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening my body just quit on me. I am not surprised thinking about it now, but it did catch me off guard last night. I felt sick in my head, sick to my stomach and so exhausted. I really think that my body was so tired from all the recent insomnia it just shut down to force me into sleep. And sleep I did. For about, oh, 12 hours. Then I was up for a few hours, and then, back down for another 1 or 2 ... it's all sort of hazy truly. Either way, it felt glorious to get sleep again. And I'm still feeling tired so I hope tonight will bring another insomnia free night. I would also like to add that my dh rocks. Because he let me sleep. He told me he knew I needed it. And really, how awesome is that? He could have been mad. He could have woken me up. He could have let me sleep in and then rubbed it in my face for the rest of the day. But nope, he didn't. And it's only one of the reasons I love him so much!
Anyway, during my nap this afternoon I had a dream that I was tired and sleeping so much (like I had been last night/this morning) and in my dream my family had to call 9-1-1 and when we got to the hospital we discovered I had a heart problem that was causing everything. I kind of woke up and wondered if maybe I should go visit my doctor tomorrow. And when they ask me why I'm there, how crazy would I look if I said "I dreamed I had a heart problem!" My dh told me probably I shouldn't go in tomorrow, but should this being all tired all the time keeps up for a few more days, he might think I should go in and mention the tiredness.

Anyway, that was a sleeping dream, but today I had an awake dream ... I have decided that it would be pure heaven to send the kids out of the house for one week. That's all I want - 7 days of no children here. There is so much organizing I want to get done, so much sewing and knitting. And really, I just want a break from being mommy for a few days. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I know somewhere, some woman is shaking her head at this very idea and I don't measure up to her standard of a good mom. But, the truth is that I do need a break. Realistically, I don't send them to school or day care. I am with them a lot. And sometimes when we get a lot of something we need a break - even if we love those someones a whole whole lot! Of course the reality of it is about the only people I could theoretically send them away for a week too, live VERY far away - 24 hour drive or a plane trip out there. And really, I don't have the money to fly all the kids out there then fly myself home to get it all done and then fly back get them, and fly us all home. And to drive 24 hours to turn around, well, that doesn't make much sense either. Not to mention that I'm pretty sure those I am thinking of are out of vacation time right now, or at least don't have a week of it to watch my darlings.
:::sigh::: Maybe this wintertime, when my parents have a break from work and live all of 15-20 minutes away could take them for a few days. That would be nice ... even if it is 6 months away LOL!!

Once Again ...

2007-07-06T23:48:00.000-05:00

I'm awake at much too late of an hour. Insomnia is, pardon the expression, a bitch. I have read far too many books lately (although they have been good books at least), stayed up late knitting far too long, and have had too much trouble waking up in the morning. I have circles under my eyes that I'm sure make people wonder what is wrong with me.
This just absolutely sucks. I just want to sleep like a normal person. I want to lay down with my dh and wake up feeling awake and refreshed.
:::sigh::: And I keep thinking with all these extra awake hours, I should be getting lots and lots of things done, ya know? But my brain just stops working and I can't do much that requires a lot of thought. And so it is merely wasted time, time to wish I was sleeping while I'm really doing nothing much at all. It wouldn't be so bad if I could stay up late and accomplish things. And if I was one of those people who could live on 6 hours of sleep. But I don't do much and I need a lot more than 6 hours of sleep. I figure eventually I will just fall asleep out of pure exhaustion at like 8 at night. I can only hope!
Anyway, I'm off to read and hopefully even fall asleep sometime soon!

PS I wanted to add, I have majorly cut back on my coca-cola consumption lately - mostly because it's bad in gerenal but also to make sure that the caffeine is not an issue with this insomnia. So far it isn't helping too much. I have even gone a gone a few days without having any coke at all (seriously, this is a major feat for me). I don't know - maybe there was so much caffeine in my body built up that it's still affecting me?). Well, so far it has not made many changes. Although I do know it's healthier for me in the long run.

A wonderful evening!

2007-07-05T22:37:00.000-05:00

We had tonight, what can only be called a wonderful evening! It was perfect, well except for the fact that dh wasn't there because of work, but ::sigh:: if we would like money to eat, wear clothes and buy things, it's a part of life!
Anyway, I decided to take the kids to the local carnival. Tonight they were doing wristbands from 5pm to 11pm (no, we didn't stay that late) but for this area, wristbands usually are good for 2 maybe 3 hours. We used ours for four hours. All three of my kids got plenty of use out of them! I think they all went through at least what would have been 50 tickets each - and individual tickets were 1 each. I feel like we spent 51 dollars and got about 150-200 dollars worth of rides! Pretty nice feeling.

And my 7 year old proved once again she is growing up. We brought a friend of hers with us. And they went on a lot of the "big kid" rides. Just 2 years ago she was afraid of some of the little kid rides and now she was going on the real fast and spinny and rides that required certain heights to ride! ::sniff, sniff:: And she was so excited to go on all the big rides. It was fun to watch her as she beamed with pride for being brave enough to go on the big rides, and yet at the same time she was more than happy to go on the "baby rides" with her siblings ... I think it sums it up perfectly for where she is in life ... ready to try new things that are meant for the older kids, but still perfectly happy to do the little kid things. I know in a few years she won't want to be caught dead on those same baby rides she so enjoyed tonight. But it was fun to watch her tonight - the joy, the excitement, the look of happiness over conquering something!

And my 4 year old did the same thing with all the little rides - she actually rode a lot of them and had fun. No whining things were too loud or too fast or too scary! Nope, she was a brave girl as well - having so much fun on those rides. And again, I had so much fun watching her looking so brave and having so much fun. For once, she melted into the crowd of children - looking so happy and excited and just having a lot of fun! It was so nice for me to see that as her mother. Hopefully this is a sign of things to come for her. Maybe she has reached a new point in her young life where the sensory issues aren't so overwhelming to her, that don't interfere too much with daily activities. What a wonderful point to reach. Now I am just crossing my fingers this isn't a rare occurrence!

And since I've talked of the other two, well, Little Man pretty much stuck to two rides tonight - the airplane and the little cars! The airplane he wouldn't go on alone but the car he loved and rode it at least a dozen times - it was so funny. Thankfully, since it wasn't busy a few times he sat on the same car for several turns in a row!

I have to say, it was nice to be out with all of them tonight and not feel like I was going to lose my mind, or a child, and to actually sit and have fun. We are having more and more of those moments around here and it's nice. The girls have grown so much and Little Man is also growing up. I admit I get too frazzled too quickly, but that frazzled feeling is coming less and less on outings with my children. Although it is a bit bittersweet because as they age it gets easier and easier to be out and about. And I do miss having a baby around, a teeny tiny thing. But it is precisely not having that teeny tiny baby that is making outings easier. So, on one hand I love this new found freedom I have to take the kids out (although, it's not always roses of course! They are children after all and far from perfect) but on the other I have this desire for another little one in this house. Either way, there won't be another baby and I am currently struggling to accept that fact. Although on a night like tonight, it is a bit easier. And in a few years, when little man is out of diapers and I won't need a stroller anymore, I suppose it will be even easier! But regardless, I really did enjoy myself tonight. I marveled at all of my children and it truly was a fantastic time! And to think, it was all spur of the moment decision to go! But sometimes those spur of the moment things are the best kind, aren't they?

Here's some Total Momsense

2007-07-05T12:53:00.001-05:00

Hilarious!

Happy Fourth of July!

2007-07-04T10:22:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to America!
What a fun-filled fourth of July we had here ...

First of all, yesterday we trekked 2 hours to reach downtown Chicago (and no, it does not normally take 2 hours to get down there) to see the fireworks.
Now, we pulled into a parking garage down there to park (to the tune of 25 dollars! Ugh. It was hard to pay that). Anyway, when we pulled in they had security guards warning people that there would be delays when leaving after the fireworks. Ummm, really? Do you think?! There are only over a million people down there, and did people not expect there to be delays coming out of the city when lots of roads are closed for the Taste of Chicago and everyone would be leaving roughly at the same time? Anyway, I thought that was pretty obvious information, but apparently someone somewhere thought that people needed to be warned!

So we made it downtown. We made it to the Yacht club - what did you think this princess was going to fight for a spot on the grass amongst lots of strangers? Nope. Much too spoiled for that!

As with years past we went with dh's work which meant tickets into the CYC! They had a lovely meal ready for us and most importantly VERY delicious desserts.

DH ran around with Little Man - there was only one close call with him nearing the edge of the dock, but luckily there were no falls into the lake.

We did some dancing to the very nice live band And then sat and prepared ourselves for the show about to start.
They were fantastic! Gorgeous fireworks ... I, who was pretty much dragged downtown kicking and screaming, was enthralled with all the fireworks there were. Just amazed!

All three kids did great with them .. in fact Little Man fell asleep during the show. I'm still not sure. Granted we weren't right next to where they were shooting off from, but the booms were still pretty darn loud!

The show ended and we decided to hang around the CYC for a bit ... since there would be delays getting out of the city. Keep in mind, we have done this every year we go downtown because of how hard it is to get out of the city. So about 5 minutes after the show ends (and after most others had left) it starts to rain a bit. And then it gets harder. And so we go to a tent. And kind of stand under it. At which point, we decided to walk to the car to get out of the rain because dh was pretty sure it would only get harder (he was right!).
Here is my only depressing thought for the night ... as we walked the whole 2 blocks to the car, all I could see was trash everywhere. Chicago puts garbage cans out ALL over the place. I mean like every 10 feet. I did not see one garbage can that was overflowing, and yet, the garbage all over the ground. It was so depressing to me. Are Americans so lazy we can't walk 10 feet to a garbage can? We can't bring a garbage bag with us to our picnicking site and throw our trash away? So depressing frankly. And it made me think people in general are huge pigs. Okay. Enough ranting.
So we get to the car, where we sit for 15 minutes. Then try to leave and face the huge delays. Needless to say, I got much knitting done in the car yesterday due to the drive there and home! I really tried to soak it all up. We knew we weren't doing much today.
My dd was in a parade, so we went to that and she had a lot of fun being in it (and the rest of us had a lot of fun watching it!).

Came home and was prepared to relax for the rest of the day, which we did a lot of. Then tonight my dd comes in and asks if she can watch the fireworks with the neighbors. And I'm thinking what fireworks? (Our town shoots off fireworks which shouldn't be surprising but was somehow left out of the list in the paper). They were going to walk 2 blocks away to get a good view and I let her go. As she was leaving with them, the neighbor next to us was setting up camp in his yard and Miss M went to play with the kids there. That is when he told us we would have a great view of the fireworks from our houses. So I grabbed a few chairs and Miss M, Little Man and I went and watched the fireworks there. Now, as if there weren't enough fireworks, at least 4 of our neighbors purchased their very own fireworks - and I am not talking bottle rockets here (although many of those were shot off tonight!) We are talking big huge fireworks ... that could rival the town's fireworks. And they kept coming and coming. We were outside until 10:30 - now at 11:15, I can still hear the booms. We were told by three separate neighbors that this is tame compared to most years because so many people have to work tomorrow. If what I saw tonight was tame, I am nervous to find out what a "normal" year around here looks like!
But it is fun and all the kids have fallen asleep so I don't mind too much ;-)

Anyway, it has been a great fourth of July over in this house! I hope the rest of America is having fun too!!

Holy tired ...

2007-07-03T12:00:00.000-05:00

You would think if I took a sleeping pill last night, and went to bed earlier than I have in who knows how long, I might wake up feeling refreshed and awake. Well, you might think that. I thought that was how it would work.
However, it is now noon - I took the pill 14 hours ago and I feel so darn groggy and tired. I want to just lay down and take a nap! I am feeling a bit what I call loopy in the head. This is not good for today. We are supposed to go downtown this evening to mingle with my dh's coworkers, and with the children none-the-less. I need to wake up. I need someone to come over here and slap me a few times and shout WAKE UP!

What I will probably do is nap in a few minutes. Then take a bath with Little Man, then take a quick shower to wash my hair as we hop in the car to try to make it to dh's work on-time to get down to the festivities this evening on time. And I will be praying that whole time the pill works its way out of my system (and with as much water as I've been drinking, you would think that it wouldn't be there anymore.

Oh well, on the plus side, I did fall asleep much better last night. And with as out of it as I feel right now, I"m thinking I'll fall asleep pretty easily tonight as well!

I have an announcement to make ...

2007-07-02T21:59:00.000-05:00

After having yet another very crabby filled day, another night last night tossing and turning to fall asleep, and talking to a friend (yes, you know who you are and you do rock!) I have just taken a unisom. Wish me luck and cross your fingers that I can actually get a decent night's sleep tonight.
I really really really need this.

Thank you

I can't believe ...

2007-07-01T22:32:00.000-05:00

it's July already.
Where does the time go? It seems like it just flies on by ...

Anyway, the weekend went surprisingly well. We really did have fun. An uncle was trying to convince my dh to take the kids and go camping with him (his youngest is the same age as my oldest) and then us wives could get a break .... I won't hold my breath. Dh says Little Man is too young to go camping and he's not really interested in doing it. I told him if waited much longer the oldest might not want to go and he's giving up precious, even if it takes some work to get them, memories. And yes, I layed it on REALLY thick thinking it might almost have a chance of happening ROFL!!

Last night dh sort of confronted me, in about as loving as a way as he could. And he told me he was worried about me and my mood issues lately. It's nice that he's concerned, but yeah, kind of sucks to be on the receiving end of those comments. They aren't exactly the sweet nothings I dream of being whispered in my ear (although, to give my dh lots of credit, he also did say lots of sweet things to me last night to because he's that kind of guy and wanted me to know exactly how he feels about me). Of course he wanted to be able to help me. I don't know how to tell him to help though, so it's frustrating for both of us in that regards, he who is so eager to help and I can't tell him how to do it, and me who would love to have the ability to say if you just do x, y, and z all things will be better. Although, I do feel better today after having talked to him. We have decided together that the insomnia I am experiencing is a big part of the moodiness. I mean, I am a person who craves lots and lots of sleep (I'd be happy if I could get 10 hours a night honestly!) and I'm getting 6 on a good night. So I'm tired. And when I don't get enough sleep, I tend to feel sick to my stomach. So I feel sick. And tired + sick + anxiety = a really crabby, sad, over the top with anxiety wife/momma. It's not pretty - although he did say (God bless him) that even though he saw all these emotions within me, he was impressed at my ability to really try to not be snappy with the kids - which I have so been trying to do all week.
Anyway, the "plan of attack" is to bring all this up at my next therapy appointment - get advice from him, and then probably go to my regular doctor and ask for something to help me sleep. Use it for a few weeks and see if it helps, if my mood does improve with more sleep, and then try to not take it any longer than necessary. If all that fails, my guess is then my therapist will recommend me to a psychiatrist and some other kinds of medicines might be tried. We'll see. I think seeing as the moodiness came with the sleep issues, that if I can correct the sleep issues, the mood issues will get better. Of course, a tiny voice in my head is telling me the relationship is backwards and that the moodiness is causing the insomnia and I'm trying to fix it backwards, but we'll see what happens ....

Of course, although I had fun at the party the hardest part is when people say "So how are things going?" Of course I answer that things are well, kids are growing, blah blah, blah but there was a part of me that wanted to say "Things are awful! I feel like I'm falling apart. I haven't had a decent night sleep since, I don't know! I'm tired! I'm full of anxiety and for all I know I'm probably on the borderline of depression. And I'm tired of pasting a smile on my face and pretending like everything is a-okay when people ask because no one wants to really know that things suck and now that I've admitted it I know you will never look at me the same again! And how is everything in your life going?" Now, what kind of answer would that be? LOL! Okay, I admit, the thought of answering like that does make me laugh!

Anyway, today I had the pleasure of going to a baby shower. Which again, was fun, but oh how I want another baby. I know we can't and more importantly we shouldn't - especially given all the things going on with me. Even if dh didn't get a vasectomy, really, throwing another pregnancy into the mix would be unwise. But, oh, how I can't stop thinking about it. If I got pregnant now I'd be due next spring. If it were a boy, how great would it be for Little Man? Four kids is such a nice round number. Oh the tiny clothes are so cute. I won't even mind the nursing and the diapers and all the extra laundry. The lack of sleep would be an issue, but that first year goes so fast I could hang in through it all, etc, etc, etc. My husband really thinks I have lost my mind when I tell him all of this. I even told him we should adopt because his vasectomy doesn't prevent that! :::sigh::: I hope these strong feelings right now are just because it seems like most of my emotions are very strong. And maybe if I can get all that back in line, the desire to have a baby won't be so strong.

Anyway, that's my very imperfect honest answers about life and how it's going right now!

Blah ...

2007-06-28T23:56:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling quite blah today. And really, I am feeling a bit blue and a lot anxious.
Everything is heightened by the fact that I haven't had a decent bedtime in far too long. So I'm also quite tired.
This weekend we will have two parties to go to. And they are both family functions. And I think I should be excited - getting to see aunts, uncles, cousins, etc, etc. Really it should be fun. But it's not. It has my stomach all in knots and twisted up and feeling icky. Because this family really is perfect. Oh, no, I know they are not. I know they each have problems. But my biggest problem is they aren't shared, they aren't talked about. Children wear their best outfits and don't get them dirty. They are quiet and polite at all times. Everyone has wonderful marriages, money is never tight, the house is perfectly cleaned and kept up. No one talks about not knowing what to make for dinner, or about whining children, or how they get mad at their spouses. Nope. Because everyone is perfect and wonderful and happy. And frankly, me and my troops are not perfect!
Now, I love my family dearly and my kids are pretty well behaved. But they are kids. Sometimes they forget to say please or they whine for another cookie. And then adults all gasp. And I feel embarrassed and I get upset with the kids. And I get upset at myself because obviously if I were simply a better mother this wouldn't have happened. And then dh gets mad at me because he says I hold the kids to higher standards when we around this side of the family. And it isn't that fun.
But I want it to be fun. I want to talk and catch up and hug and let the kids run around and not worry about the stupid little things that could happen. After all, they really are only little. But most of all, I want everyone to stop pretending they are perfect and nothing goes wrong for them. Because it's not natural. And it's not like I want everyone to stand around and moan and complain and whine either - I don't want a sad party, I just want to be able to relax and not be so paranoid.
I'm going to try to relax myself this weekend. I'm going to talk about how wonderful and perfect my kids are, but also mention that baby boy tired me out. And how M whines, but she is getting better, and although I love my dh, he really does work too many hours and I miss him, and that A wants to spend too much time on the computer so sometimes I have to kick her off of it. And how I just love my new house, but now that we have bought it money is tight. And I'm doing pretty good, but a bit tired because there just aren't enough hours in the day. Because my life is pretty darn good people. But we are not perfect. I am not perfect. The kids are not perfect. Nor do I want them to grow up thinking they have to be held to this unreachable standard and the only way to get it is to go to a party and pretend like things are perfect.
And maybe on Sunday I will be back to tell you how splendidly wonderful the weekend was. And how if I don't walk into the party already tense and on egg shells I was able to relax enough to really enjoy myself! And that would be wonderful and awesome. Because I do like my big family a lot. And they are truly all very nice and caring people. And I want to enjoy them for that side of them instead of worrying that I might not look perfect!

Clutter ...

2007-06-28T01:16:00.000-05:00

My house has a lot of clutter. Mind you, most of it is artfully hidden (in boxes behind doors that company should never open or above the garage or tucked in the corner of the laundry room). Most of the clutter is hidden, and yet, lately, it has been taunting me.
Clutter has never bothered me before. And now, all of a sudden, I feel compelled to go through it all, toss part of it, give the most of it away and only keep a few things. I never get this urge. But for the last two weeks, it's all I can think of. Strange really. And I have a few projects with deadlines. But once those are done and over with, I am taking a break from all other projects. And I think I'm going to tackle some boxes and some clutter and get rid of as much as possible.
But it's a farce really. Because I think (and I could be reaching here) my mind feels very cluttered lately. But I don't want to tackle it. I don't want to think. I don't want to ask myself the tough questions nor do I want to answer them. So I think trying to clean out my boxes is really an excuse to procrastinate and avoid. Which, although, wouldn't be healthy to do forever, really, I don't think a few weeks will hurt. Maybe by then I'll be ready .... and in the meantime, my clutter-hating-husband will sure appreciate any and all efforts I make to get rid of the clutter.

So many ...

2007-06-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

thoughts floating around in this brain of mine, that I don't even know where to begin truth be told. All I do is think about things and "write" blog entries in my head. I think of tons each day. Then I sit at the computer and wham. All of a sudden my mind is blank. Or I change my mind about sharing something I should share, or the kids interrupt and my thoughts leave, or it's so late I'm too tired to think ... stuff like that. And for the life of me, I can't think of anything worthwhile to say. ::sigh::
Anyway, here now, I present to you, random thoughts/updates/etc from my much too tired brain ...

dh and I both have a print out to track our spending. We have to know how we are spending to create a budget. So we'll start now and look it all over at the end of July and figure out how to tighten things up and what we can eliminate. We already have a few ideas of ways we can save (ie I will go to the local goodwill for clothes for the kids and only go to other stores should we not find anything there)
I have (sadly) a lot of hatred in my heart for one person. She has hurt me, stung me, upset me, caused problems for me far too many times. I have decided that I can not talk to her about this at this time but that I can not also be around her either (because frankly I doubt she will change her behavior until I let her know just how hurtful it is and that's not a step I am willing to take at this point). Lest you think I'm innocent in all of this. I am not. I have done things to hurt her. My biggest contribution is the gossiping I do and also I probably am too sensitive to the things she says now (always assuming her goal is to hurt, criticize or make me look like a complete @$$ as many times as possible. Probably she only does that half the time (okay, really that was a joke!)). For now I will avoid her at all costs, get my half of the issue together and then decide if it's worth it to try and mend things or not ...
What made me think about all this was the sermon on Sunday was about conflict and how to fix it. And the whole time the pastor talked, her name was in my head. Like God was saying FIX THIS NOW. And I really felt like the pastor was just talking straight to me and I was supposed to really listen and get something out of it. And I really wanted to. But I'm not ready to confront yet.
I have been highly strung lately. The stress is starting to gang up on me. I am also currently in the process of biting off more than I can chew. As soon as all commitments currently in progress are finished, I will have to say no more often. Or say yes but tame down what I do (i.e. if I need to bring cookies somewhere, it's okay to buy store cookies. I do not need to bake them from scratch and then meticulously decorate each and everyone to perfection. That just is not necessary at all!)
This week I need to make a bunch of chocolate and whip out a handmade item for a baby shower that is Sunday. This is an example of the over-boardness I was referring to above. I should have bought the chocolate and the gift (although the truth is that making it is much cheaper and given our current budget, I really did do the most financially feasible way)
I am supposed to have a scrapbooking night at my house tomorrow. I forgot about it until someone rsvp'd me today that they were coming. Although, really, that is only one rsvp and if it's just her then I'll be fine. She's awesome and won't expect a completely and totally clean house with 52 choices of snacks to have. And probably if even 1-2 more people decide to show up, I'll be fine. I will, however, be in trouble if say 5 more people decide to come. Because I don't have the table space for that many people to scrapbook.
My dd has golf tomorrow morning. It starts at time before we usually wake up. Which means little man will be quite crabby for most of the day. We were invited to also go swimming. Which would be nice, except I'll have a crabby little man and he isn't a fan of the water oh so much these days. And I want to go socialize with everyone, I just don't want to chase a screaming, crabby, afraid of the water but wanting to grab the toys that are floating in the pool and so he stands too close to the edge to try to reach them and might almost fall in a few times toddler around the pool. And yes, we have tried it before. And yes both times I left in a huff with a crying toddler and two unhappy girls who didn't want to leave the pool and their friends because of their baby brother.
I have one more coke left in the fridge and that is all. I puposefully did not buy anymore. I need to stop drinking it. And when it is the house, I drink too much. Plus, coke is kind of expensive. Almost no stores ever put it on sale anymore. So I need to stop drinking it for money and health reasons. Although, tomorrow, knowing I have company coming over that likes coke, I'll probably pick up another 12 pack and extend my need to stop drinking it for a few days (then I might make dh hide most of those cans so they are on hand but I can't access them). I know, I know. It's so sad. I don't mean to drink it. I just like it. And when it's here it's what I pick. But I've been drinking a lot and I'm in the habit. Once I break the habit, it can be around and I'll be okay. But I think I need to go cold turkey to get there.It's so sad to me that this is how I feel about coke ... although I could think that about things that are much worse and coke is my only vice really. So it's not that bad, and at least I don't drink like 5 cans or anything like that a day. Really, it's just 2 (okay 3 on a bad day) but it would be better if I was drinking 2 or 3 a week instead of a day.

And that concludes this rambling list. I really should skedattle off to bed now.

Little Bits ...

2007-06-22T00:28:00.001-05:00

This is how I feel like most of my tasks are accomplished - I do a little here, a little there. It seems I'm always trying to finish things in between lots of interruptions, distractions, or getting side-tracked.
And mostly that's okay. I feel like I am a wife/mom first and the cleaner, cooker, baker, laundry-doer, sewer, knitter, reading secondly .... however, some days I just really crave the time and ability to start something and completely finish it.
Truly, I clean a lot each and every day, but my entire house is never "cleaned" at the same time. For instance, yesterday I vacuumed half the downstairs and today I got the other half. Now, my house isn't that big and certainly doing the entire first floor wouldn't be hard. But we have to pick up everything from the floor. And my son's favorite thing to do these days is dump back everywhere. Boxes of train tracks, legos, blocks, puzzle pieces, movies - they are everywhere. I have him "help" pick-up as much as possible. But frankly he's slow and easily distracted. If I can get him to pick up a handful, that's a great achievement.
We don't have a playroom. The bedrooms aren't large so we can't keep toys confined to them. So we have toys spread out. I try to keep them in the basement and only bring up a few things at a time. But my kids are all very mobile and move toys between floors very easily. But just once I want to clean the entire house from top to bottom. I bet even if it were just me doing it it wouldn't even take 4 hours tops. But it seems like while I'm cleaning the living room they are messing up the front room. When I clean the front room they are eating lunch and so the dining area gets messy. While I take care of lunch dishes, the living room gets messy.
And this extends beyond cleaning. I can't even sit and knit an entire row of a project. I remember when I used to be able to complete rows each day. Now I can complete some stitches! And laundry, my goal is only one load a day. If I can get two done that's a big bonus. I used to run 4 and 5 loads through a day!
And I am so sad to see my little man changing from a baby to a toddler (okay, so he really did that already and my husband says he going from toddler to preschooler, he's still 1 and I'm not ready to speed him up that quickly!) part of me looks forward to when he is 4 or 5. To a time when he can sit and entertain himself or play in the backyard without constant supervision. To a time when he can do more chores and help out and to a time where he won't dump out 5 boxes of toys just because he can. (of course I know at 5 he will probably dump out boxes of toys but hopefully by then it will be to play with what was inside for more than, you know, 32 seconds).
And yet, I know there is a day where I will want this time in my life back. Where I will miss it and mourn it and tear up when I think about how wonderful and grand these days of having such young children around were.

And yet some how in the midst of wanting them to age faster but being so sad that they are growing up, what I am really struggling with is trying to sit back and enjoy what I have right now in front of. To think of only today and not be sad for yesterday or anxious for what tomorrow brings. Because they do grow so quickly. And they change so much. And I don't want my memories of their childhood to be the wishes of being able to be in a different stage (whether ahead or behind where we really are) but to love and enjoy the moment with them now.

Stuff ...

2007-06-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

I've started an "101 in 1001" list. You can find it here.
I'm up to number 51 and out of ideas. ROFL! I suppose at least I made it halfway though!

My friend should be having a baby any minute now. Well, her ob's said she has to go into labor on her own by Friday am or they are doing a repeat c-section. She wants a v-bac so badly though, so I have my fingers crossed that in the next 24 hours she will go into labor on her own. Lots of irregular contractions - some painful some not. I figure that is a good sign for her, but she has an appointment tomorrow evening to check things out. She is going to try to convince the doc to induce her if things have been in fact happening, but my guess is the docs won't want to do it. I told her today I was praying that God would give her a sense of peace this week and that no matter what happened (vbac or c-section) that both and her and new baby would be healthy, but if He could, vbac would be nice! I think she liked that prayer, or maybe I just hope that she does. I'm secretly hoping she goes into labor tonight or tomorrow night because maybe they might call me and I can go and be there? Which, well, people, I think that would be one of the neatest experiences of my life - to see a new baby being born (while not being consumed by labor pains!).

Anyway, my sister (who is 16) came over tonight. I have to say, I got in touch with my giggly, immature, crazy girl side tonight and it was fun! I don't have those sorts of moments very often, so it was a nice break from the everyday routine. Although I had work I wanted to do tonight that I didn't get down from all our goofing off, but I think it was worth it!

Anyway, that about sums up things from here.

Thinking ...

2007-06-18T18:07:00.000-05:00

Yes, it can be quite dangerous whenever I think, I know. But I have been in fact thinking today about these lists called 101 Things to do in 1001 Days.
It sounds fun, sounds like a challenge, and more importantly, it sounds like something that is manageable.

If you go to the link up above, you can click on other lists. People have been making these lists since 2/9/2003! Wow. So I'm starting to think that maybe I should make a list too. However, as I've explained before, although I have a knack for creating gorgeous lists, I do have trouble following up on them. But this seems like a good challenge to partake in.

Hmmm .. I will have to mentally put a list together and see where it takes me!

I just joined ...

2007-06-18T15:54:00.000-05:00

a Bloggy Bible Study!
Want to join in with me? Go here. So far there are 3 of us. I know we'd love to have more people participate if possible. But it sounded interesting to me so I signed up! I figured this would be a nice direction to head now that I have read the entire Bible!~

Here is the sBloggy Bible Study page. I am not sure if it is a public blog, so if you can't pull it up, well, it's private then! But if it's public, look around and maybe you'll want to join in the fun?

Sharing ...

2007-06-18T12:35:00.001-05:00

Saw this article first at The Lilting House and it caught my eye, so I wanted to share it!

Let children be children

Is your 5-year-old stressed out because so much is expected?

Penelope H. Bevan

Sunday, June 3, 2007

I was watching one of my second-grade girls try unsuccessfully to tie her shoes the other day, and I thought, "This is a person who is supposed to be learning plural possessives?" I think not.

We've just finished test time again in the schools of California. The mad frenzy of testing infects everyone from second grade through high school. Because of the rigors and threats of No Child Left Behind, schools are desperate to increase their scores. As the requirements become more stringent, we have completely lost sight of the children taking these tests.

For 30 years as a teacher of primary kids, I have operated on the Any Fool Can See principle. And any fool can see that the spread between what is developmentally appropriate for 7- and 8-year-old children and what is demanded of them on these tests is widening. A lot of what used to be in the first-grade curriculum is now taught in kindergarten. Is your 5-year-old stressed out? Perhaps this is why.

Primary-grade children have only the most tenuous grasp on how the world works. Having been alive only seven or eight years, they have not figured out that in California there is a definite wet and dry season. They live in high expectation that it will snow in the Bay Area in the winter. They reasonably conclude, based on their limited experience with words, that a thesaurus must be a dinosaur. When asked to name some of the planets after he heard the word Earth, one of my boys confidently replied, "Mars, Saturn, Mercury, Jupiter and Canada!" to which a girl replied, "No, no, no, you gotta go way far outer than that."

Research has shown that it takes approximately 24 repetitions of a new concept to imprint on a young brain. The aforementioned plural possessives come up twice in the curriculum, yet they are supposed to know it when they see it. This is folly.

Currently, 2 1/2 uninterrupted hours are supposed to be devoted to language arts and reading every morning. I ask you, what adult could sustain an interest in one subject for that long? Yet the two reading series adopted by the state for elementary education require that much time be devoted to reading in the expectation that the scores will shoot up eventually. Show me a 7-year-old who has that kind of concentration. Show me a 64-year-old teacher who has it. Not I.

The result of this has been a decline in math scores at our school, because the emphasis is on getting them to read and there isn't enough time to fit in a proper curriculum. Early math education should rely heavily on messing about with concrete materials of measurements, mass, volume and length, and discovering basic principles through play.

There is no time for this. The teaching of art is all but a subversive activity. Teachers whisper, "I taught art today!" as if they would be reported to the Reading Police for stealing time from the reading curriculum, which is what they did.

It is also First Communion time in second grade. Yes, I teach in a public school, but First Communion happens in second grade, and it is a big deal, the subject of much discussion in the classroom. The children are excited.

A few months back one of my girls exclaimed, "Jeez, I have a lot to do after school today, Teacher. I gotta do my homework, go to baseball practice and get baptized." I laughed to myself at the priorities of this little to-do list, so symbolic of the life of one second-grader. But there was a much larger issue here. What is happening to their souls? You may ask, what business it is of the schools what is happening to the souls of these little children?

I will tell you. Any fool can see that those setting the standards for testing of primary-grade children haven't been around any actual children in a long time. The difference between what one can reasonably expect an 8-year-old to know and what is merely a party trick grows exponentially on these state tests.

Meanwhile, children who know they are bright and can read well are proved wrong time and again because of the structure of these tests. Teachers spend inordinate amounts of time trying to teach the children to be careful of the quirky tricks of the tests when they should be simply teaching how to get on in the world.

Twenty years ago, I had a conference with a parent, a Sikh, whose child was brilliant. I was prepared to show him all her academic work, but he brushed it aside and said, "Yes, yes, I know she is quite smart, but I want to know how her soul is developing."

The present emphasis on testing and test scores is sucking the soul out of the primary school experience for both teachers and children. So much time is spent on testing and measuring reading speed that the children are losing the joy that comes but once in their lifetime, the happy messiness of paint, clay, Tinkertoys and jumping rope, the quiet discovery of a shiny new book of interest to them, the wonders of a magnifying glass. The teachers around them, under constant pressure to raise those test scores, radiate urgency and pressure. Their smiles are grim. They are not enjoying their jobs.

Our children need parents and teachers who, like Hamlet, know a hawk from a hand saw, who know foolishness when they see it and are strong enough to defend these small souls from the onslaught of escalating developmentally inappropriate claptrap. The great unspoken secret of primary school is that a lot of what is going on is arrant nonsense, and it's getting worse. Any fool can see.

Contact us at insight@sfchronicle.com.

A lot late ...

2007-06-17T23:58:00.000-05:00

Mama2dibs tagged me a VERY long time ago - as in May 5 she tagged me!

So, I'm doing the better late than never thing here and finally getting around to playing.

Here are the rules: Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. You need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

Okay, 7 random facts about me ....

1. I LOVE the shows The 4400 and Monk and Psych. Actually, I watch a lot of the USA channel because I really do like their shows.

2. I have about a 2 degree comfort zone. I do believe it's about 77/78 degrees - any less and I'm cold and any higher and I'm hot. And I'm never just a little hot or cold, I'm either on fire or freezing. We don't always keep our thermostat at those numbers (although we are more likely to in the summer) and so dh often makes fun of me for how many times a day I put on a sweater, take off a sweater, cuddle under a blanket, through all blankets off, etc, etc. Although he has mentioned if I'm this sensitive now, how bad will menopause be for me.

3. I secretly want a boob job. I think mine are too big. But I will never do it because I'm terrified of surgery and all that goes with it.

4. I'm messy. My dh is not messy. In this house it's him being annoyed with me for leaving things out. When we go out I often here wives complain about their husbands being too messy and I don't get it at all. My dh is pretty anal about stuff like that. In fact, I think he's too anal and would prefer him to back off a bit LOL!

5. I love baking but hate cooking. Yeah, I wish I never had to cook. Ever. But I don't necessarily enjoy eating out either. I wish I could eat at home but not have to cook ever. And since dh and I do not have the money to higher a personal chef, I do cook - but not well!

6. I have a hard time sleeping when dh is not home. And he's not home now, hence I'm up too late on the computer!

7. Cicadas are currently in our area. However, they aren't specifically where we live. So dh just came home and brought me some from where he was so that hte kids nad I could see them!

And there are my 7 things. And I won't tag anyone specifically but if you are reading this and you want to play, let me know so I can come visit!

Happy Father's Day

2007-06-17T22:40:00.000-05:00

My husband truly is a wonderful father. And he really did deserve a great father's day.
The truth though, is I completely forgot it was Father's Day. I didn't plan anything with the kids for him this past week. We didn't make him a present or buy him a present or make him some cards or plan extra-special activities for him.
:::hanging head in shame:::
Worse than that? Last weekend was our anniversary - forgot that too.
Part of the reason is he was one that day and gone for most of the week. That not everyone in our family was calling me to deliver good news over the last week, that I was trying to just survive each day last week and didn't really look ahead on the calendar, and that I just plain forgot.
::sigh::
He has assured me that it is okay and I did run to Target today to buy him 2 movies he was just saying a few weeks ago he wished we have. Each girl was able to give him one. But I still feel like scum. Well, I only feel like half scum - he forgot our anniversary and I only remember tonight it was last weekend when I was telling someone how long we've been married. It's now 8 years and not 7. He's not home and I don't think he even noticed we passed it up either.
It feels so sad to me. But I know he loves me deeply and I know I love him deeply and really, as he put it, today is a Hallmark Holiday, designed to get people to spend money. But I still wish we had remembered and had done something special for him. Although, truly, wasn't letting him go away for a week with the guys to relax, unwind and spend time in nature doing all sorts of things he thinks is fun that you probably couldn't pay me to do - I think that is pretty special right? Right. Well, for this year, it will have to do and I guess next year I will have to do something better ....

Answered prayers ...

2007-06-14T19:33:00.000-05:00

All I have wanted for most of this week is for my dh to be home again.
Today he called. They left early. He will be home between 10 and 11 tonight!!!
I am SOOOO happy he will be home tonight ... of course that leaves me wondering why they pulled out of the water so early and I hope that it isn't because of something bad. He couldn't talk much when he called, it was basically a hi-I'll-be-home-tonight-just-wanted-to-give-you-a-heads-up-and-we-can-catch-up-then-bye kind of call.

In other, much more serious news, I spoke to my 7 year old today about what was going on. Mostly because she noticed a certain someone wasn't around and asked me where he was. I have grappled all week about do I tell her this person is in jail or not. And I wasn't quite sure. But when she asked me today, I had a hard time thinking about a cover story. Which probably I should have planned a head, but I did not. So, I took a deep breath and told her "He has not been around because, well, dear, he is in jail right now. He's made some mistakes and unfortunately they were big enough that he had to go to jail." And she looked at me in shock, then burst into tears. She was just crying and crying. At that moment I regretted telling her, thinking why I didn't just say he was in camp or something.
So I asked her to tell me what she was thinking in her head. She told me she couldn't tell me. I let her cry a bit more and then told her that whatever she was thinking, she could tell me and I wouldn't get mad at her. Still she wouldn't share. So I told her when I found out I felt mad sad that he was there, and also mad at him for doing it, and so confused and then worried about him and all sorts of other things. She told me that was what she was thinking too - that she was so sad for him but she wanted to call him and yell at him and ask him why he did that! I think that was natural and I told her that was okay to feel that way. And then she started crying again and told me she was worried he might starve. Huh? I thought - starve? At which point she told me that in jail you don't get to eat except maybe a bit of bread and water and how you get locked up in a little room and can't ever come out. So we had a little bit of a talk about how he does get to eat and he can come out of his room, and we could even visit him, and he can call people sometimes. That made her feel better, but she wanted to know why he hasn't called us. And so I told her I would be visiting him tomorrow and I could ask him to call her if she wanted to talk to him and if she wanted to go visit him, she could (but just not tomorrow) and she was very nervous about all of that. She wanted me to tell her what she was allowed to say so I told her she could say whatever was in her heart and she could even ask him why he did what he did and there were no rules.

We came home and she made him a card for me to take tomorrow that says
"I miss you *** ***
I want you to know I LOVE YOU *** ***
God love you *** ***
I'm praying every night"

(the *** *** are where she wrote his name)

Really, I told her that she wrote the most perfect thing ever and I'm sure he would love to get that card from her.

Then she asked me to tell him that she wishes she could be there to hold his hand because she knows he probably needs a lot of help and love right now.

Again, I told her that was the most perfect thing to say.

Then I told her to not talk about to the younger kids (including middle child here and some other cousins because they didn't know and they were probably too young to need to know, blah, blah. She promised not to tell them but wanted me to tell her again why she couldn't talk about it. And so I told her that the other kids were too young and that I wasn't sure that I should have even told her as stronger as she reacted to it. At which point she looked at me and said "That is why God made you my mom. Because some people would have told me a lie about where he is right now, but you didn't. You knew I needed to know this and so you told me."
At which point, I didn't regret telling her. And I know she is only 7, but sometimes I cry at how wonderfully sweet and sensitive she is and really and truly, I am so amazed that she is my daughter. And I get to have her in my life and I get to see her sweetness and kindness and it just blows me away.

And yes, as I thought about that earlier I did cry - tears of joy and thankfulness for her and tears of sadness for the person who tonight is sitting in a jail, isolated from his family.

Today ...

2007-06-12T23:07:00.000-05:00

Today was a bit less depressing.
I started out very much on edge. And Little Man either read my signals or was just on edge himself (although I'd bet he picked up on my anxiety) and he was a bear this am. And it didn't help that we had 7 other kids running around aside from him and that due to having lots of company over that were basically children I was frantically trying to clean just a bit because frankly my house looked like a tornado went through it. So we had a rough morning really.

And one of the extra children here is a neighbor and after lunch she asked if we could walk and get ice cream. I explained to her I didn't know where any ice cream was so the answer was no. But she persisted and promised she could get us there. And finally I just caved in, got all the kids ready and off we set to walk - because I can't fit 8 kids plus myself in the car without breaking a lot or rules! Now, I have to say we made it to the ice cream store (which also has a whole lot of other things and I can't wait to go back and really look round the store but it was hard to do with our large party)! And everyone liked the ice cream. She, however, took us the long way to this particular store. Mostly because they are walking their dog and this is the route her family does take to get it (yes, her mom and I chatted afterwards) but it is not the fastest way to do it. And after we finally made it home we had walked a total of 2 miles - which to those who exercise a bit this probably doesn't seem like much, but people, I had lots of kids (okay, truthfully 2 of them were teenager which made it better, but I also had Little Man and two 4-year-olds, two 7-year-olds, one 8-year-old, and then the two teens). I am surprised we made it - although the 4 year olds were asking to be carried towards the end, but made it despite no one picking them up! So 2 miles was not easy. The entire trip took over an hour and half. However, it was a blessing. That 2 miles of walking and pushing the stroller and trying to keep the 7&8's from not getting too far ahead and not letting the 4's get too far behind and the 2 teenagers who wanted to go by themselves and not with all of us, and then getting that wonderful ice cream and seeing that cute little store, and realizing I could get us home by a much shorter route, and making it home without losing anyone, anyone getting hurt and no one crying someone made me feel pretty good again. And I think the exercise potion helped me a lot as well.

And now, I'm pretty sure I know what I will do. Well, okay, I know what I will do with half the situation. And I will probably (and hopefully) do it Friday. Meaning when dh comes home the problem will have come up, it will be on the way to be resolved and I won't be upset about it anymore. The other half of the problem, well, it's not so simple. I can't do anything about it right now because I have discovered I am SO completely full of anger and disappointment and just so emotional about it that I need to step back. Get a grip. Re-assess what the situation is and then think about a realistic plan of attack. Because right now, I want to pick up the phone call and scream at someone and say a lot of things that I know would merely be hurtful, upsetting and make things worse . But I am (thankfully) able to understand that without picking up the phone and having to regret it later. I also don't think it's meant to be a problem I deal with alone. I think my dh has to be a part of it. But, were he here now, he'd only hear my whining, complaining, etc, etc and not be much help because he would focus on getting me calmed down and that would be that, kwim?

But dh will be home soon - I am more than half-way through him being gone and I can't wait for Saturday. And I don't know how single moms do it or people who have to be separated for much longer time periods. Because I miss him and the kids miss him and I can not wait for him to be home!